Like most all of you, I've had good times and awful times through the years -- and my depression is directly related to what's going on in my life - for example, if I feel loved and supported (by sig. other and family and most importantly friends), I usually don't even need medication, but when I'm alone (like when I moved from the East to the Midwest to take a job at mid-life), the feelings of being alone in the universe pervade my thoughts. It's so difficult to make friends (really good friends) in our culture, and right now I don't have a nuclear family in a land (minnesota) that's mainly populated by them. But I know depression can hit people who have all of the things I long for, I know it can take chemical hold.
The weirdest thing about my depression (which is here with a vengeance right now), is my feelings of being dislocated in space and time (I don't mean like vertigo, or being dizzy or anything like that); what I mean is more like wherever I would go in the world, it wouldn't feel like home. Like, I'm existing in the wrong place and time, but the reality is, there is not right placle and time and it's my brain chemstry that's causing the disturbance.
I'm thinking also that the meds (I'm on 15 mg of citalopram, but am switching this week to 10 mg of Lexapro - what's the diff?) have done their fair share of damage, bcs. when I tried going off of them recently I had paralyzing fears and feelings of displacement. I hate the depression and I hate the medications too (I'm prob. a good candidate for a placebo).
Years ago I took Paxil which miraculously made me feel okay but that came with extreme insomnia so I had to stop.
I'm thinking that if I found a sig. other, felt loved, and could find some bossom buddies, I wouldn't need the drugs -
If you're on Lexapro, are there any side effects? On Citalopram, after two years I had constant flu-like symptoms and they went away for the ten days I was off of them. I'm hoping Lexapro is better.
I am ridiculously sensitive to meds, so have to stay on low doses.
Hi InMinn, I was wondering, how did you decide to have these feelings towards your need to have friends?
I'm not quite sure I understand your question. It's like I "decided" to have a need to have friends, I just find that I feel very disconnected and altered when I'm not connected to friends and family - for example, moving thousands of miles away and having to make new friends if daunting - it takes years, really, to make really close friends - to know people over time and share a history. I have very great and close friends, but they are mainly back on the east coast. And it seems to get more difficult as you get older - less adventurous, etc.
Do you think it's more confusion as to what you truly need as opposed to 'I must have new friends.' Maybe it's a sense of loss you're feeling and you want to feel connected to people somehow and have fun but maybe if you had a small percentage, just enough of that, you'd feel better?
Are you on any kind of exercise regime? Do you take vitamins? Do you journal? Can you volunteer at a local level for a group you feel important? These are things which help with my depression. I hope you would consider any of these things practical for management of depression. Please remember that you are not alone and it can be difficult to feel connected. Winston Churchill suffered from depression and referred to it as the " mean black dog waiting outside his backdoor". Yes even Winston had trouble.
The feelings of being out of place make me suggest you may be over-medicated. At times I have felt as though I am watching a movie of my life and not always a participant. It is a sign that I need less meds.
I hope you feel better. Your brain is a muscle and you can control what it thinks about, keep that black dog at the door content when head, hands and heart are actively kept busy.
thanks for the good words of advice. I am deifnitely with you on the need to exercise (I find I like mowing my lawn, but hate the gym, but I'll keep looking for the best exercise indoors). The out-of-place feeling was when I stopped the meds altogether, but I do know that over-mediction also makes me feel very displaced. I have started Lexapro (the generic version) a week ago and already (already!) am feeling better, more "in-place". It was simply amazing to me how awful I felt and I think part of it had to be the withdrawal from the celexa, which I had taken for two years. The things you mention to feel connected to people and have purpose are essential for making a place feel like home - it's the connections really that matter, and the chicken-egg conundrum is one needs to feel a little bit "up" to go out and force one's self to do such things. I know the value of faking it until I make it.