I want to start by saying, that I really don't mean to complain. I don't want pity. I just want help and advice.
I know that I am young, and my parents would say too young for depression... but I've struggled for years, always thinking it would get better but it never has. At this point I'm at my wits end, I don't know what to do.
Starting from the beginning. I went to a private school until third grade, because the school district where I live is terrible, the private school raised prices, and my parents couldn't afford to keep me there. From fourth grade until I graduated I went to an online school. I had no social life, I never got out of the house. I went weeks without ever leaving my house. I did play sports, but I never made friends, not because I didn't try, but because I was the weird awkward kid. I sang in a choir, a small teen choir of about 15. Those people changed my life. They taught me the social rules and graces that I had never learned. They became my best friends. But choir only lasts 12 weeks a year, and only one day a week. Everyone lives so far away from me that I never could hang out with them. Plus everyone left for college and, we've all lost contact. But they brought up to speed socially, and showed me just how lonely I really was.
At that point I found a guy that I fell for hard. I was 14, really really young, but at the time, it was so real. It was long distance (again not smart, esp for my age and first relationship) and he verbally abused me. In the end he stole all my account passwords for email and social networking sites and I blocked him from my phone and recovered my passwords. From then on I bounced from guy to guy. Always getting too attached and ending up shattered when they left. I'm pretty sure I bounced from guy to guy because I was lonely. The guy I was dating was always my best and only friend, so it hurt so much more when they left.
Finally one relationship was different. He was my only friend but, he needed me too... he had other friends unlike me but, he still needed me. That was the best relationship I've ever had, one week after prom, when he told me he loved me, he broke up with me.
I'm done dating now. I need to get my life on track before I try that again, because there is no way I can expect a guy to fix my life the way I have been. But that leaves me so lonely. Every ex I've ever had hates me. Every friend I've ever had became too busy for me.
All through all of this relationship stuff I buried myself in schoolwork. I ended up graduating high school when I was fifteen. I jumped right into college (community because I was too young to leave home) and I started doing the same thing. I'm 17 and I have an associates degree...
I kept brushing off my depression, thinking well, whenever I reach (insert goal here) I'll be happy. Graduation, starting college, turning 16, getting degree. But it never gets better... it keeps getting worse, because its like I'm realizing how futile this is. I can't get out into the world because I have three younger siblings and my parents don't have time to take me anywhere. I live in a horrible neighborhood with no one my age. I can't drive because my parents are too busy to teach me. And if there's one thing they see as weakness of the mind, its depression. They think that depression is just someones way of giving up on the world. For lack of a better way to say this, they don't think that its real.
At this point its just like, nothing is worth it. I just sit in my room and cry, and stare at a wall. School work isn't worth it, because it's not going to help, going downstairs to face my family isn't worth it, because if I don't act happy, I get yelled at. I just don't feel like it's even worth waking up in the morning, but I hate going to bed at night. I hate my dreams, that remind me of the brief times I've been happy. I hate my room, where I just sit, and lose hours and days. My parents think I'm just lazy.
I don't know what to do. This isn't getting better on it's own like I thought it would. It's getting worse.
I think getting help would be a good first step for recovering from your depression. More than anything, I think you could really benefit by talking with a professional who knows depression is a real and serious condition. If you're still going to college, is there a counselor you could talk to? If not, is there any public transportation in your area you could use to see a therapist or go to your doctor for help?
I would love to talk to someone about this, but unfortunately, I am still underage and need my parents permission to visit a professional, which they would never give. My parents are way over protective and won't let me use public transportation. As far as college goes, I have gone to the counselor there, but they just told me that before we can really talk, because I am underage, they need my parents permission
The problem is, it's just been getting worse. I've always kind of been like this. So they don't see a huge difference, they just think I'm becoming more lazy.
Things like my suddenly giving up on school don't raise red flags to them, because they thought it was laziness. They lectured me, and to avoid lectures I keep up on it, I just wait til the last minute and... I don't know, don't enjoy it like I kind of used to.
I hate to be turning down your every suggestion. :/
I hate to be turning down your every suggestion. :/
That's okay. When I started seeking treatment for my depression, I didn't have to deal with obtaining parental permission so I don't have any first-hand experience to share with you.
Perhaps your parents would be more willing to let you seek treatment for the physical symptoms related to your depression? Sometimes adults don't know or don't admit they're depressed but end up going to the doctor's because of the physical symptoms caused by depression. I think there is a lot less stigma about going to the doctor's because of sleeping problems or changes in appetite than because of constant feelings of sadness or lack of motivation.
Maybe your parents would be much more willing to acknowledge you're depressed after you're diagnosed with having depression.
The Following User Says Thank You to flamesabers For This Useful Post: Neopay (07-25-2012)
That's really not a bad idea, I never really thought about that. I know that when it comes to looking someone in the eye and admitting I have a problem is not as easy as admitting on here. As far as everyone around me knows, I'm the girl who's got it all together and who is excelling at life.
But I do need help. Time to swallow pride. Thanks for that idea, that actually might work.