I feel angry all the time, please read this..
Even if you don't read this whole post please just comment..something,anything. I'm so lonely...
So my name is Mandy. Ive had some problems with depression for a while now. Since I was a kid I've had a rough life. I went through a really bad depression a few years back after I dropped out of high-school. I isolated myself from all my friends and family and picked up a bad drug habit. I dropped out when I was a sophomore but i just recently turned 18.
Just the beggining of this year I moved away to my aunts house and got completely clean. I don't think about it much anymore only every once and a while when I feel really lonely I wish I could get high. But for the most part I'm feeling much better. After I was feeling strong enough to move back to my hometown without slipping up. I decided to move back in with my mom. I've been here for a few months but haven't broken out of my old habits. I don't unusually have any personal contact with anyone and stay cooped up in my room most of the time. I sleep all day and wake up as the sun is going down. I have a controlling boyfriend.. I met him online and I know it sounds silly to be controlled by someone who isn't ever around me. But he helped me to get clean and I got quite comfortable with using him as a kind of 'safe zone'. I still get the companionship I need without having to leave my room... I'm in the prossces of gaining courage to leave him.. he makes me un happy because I feel tied down but I'm scared to leave my house anyways. Its a vicious cycle.
Anyways... lately I feel like I'm really at my breaking point. I feel like the walls Ive built up around me are slowly crumbling away. And its scary. In my fear I've been getting angry with everyone. But I mostly take it out on him becase I'm around him the most.
I'm afraid if I change my life too quickly ill panic and go back into my isolation but if I stay alone any longer ill lose my mind and hurt myself. All I really want is someone who knows what it feels like to be in this hole... no one seems to understand how it feels... they tell me 'if your so unhappy than change it'.. well if it was that easy I would never have ended up in this position...
Re: I feel angry all the time, please read this..
I'm sorry you're in such a dark place at the moment. While I know I can't fully understand what you're going through exactly, I can relate to you a little.
My life started falling apart when I was around the age of 20 (I'm 24 now), cutting a long story short I got sick, dumped my boyfriend, stopped talking to and lost contact with my friends, dropped out of university and was jobless. I was like you, staying up all night and sleeping all day. I guess I just felt more comfortable being awake at night and felt like I couldn't face the day. I met someone online and got into a bad relationship with them (although we met up in person and I was practically living with them), she wasn't controlling but she had crazy mood swings and cheated on me, but at the time I felt like she was my only support so I stuck around.
I made a great new friend (again online) and she supported me and so I had the courage/strength to break up with my partner. Now I have 2 great real life friends, one is someone I already knew and the other one is the person I met online who I actually caught up with in real life and now we visit each other regularly through out the year.
I am still suffering from depression and I do find it quite hard to get out of bed in the morning but we gotta keep trying yeah?
We can only make it better if we start working towards it, no big changes all at once of course! Just little things, like trying to fix your sleeping habits, eating 3 meals a day and trying to take a 30min walk each day would really help.
I am still working on all these things. It's not always easy, but I know I can get there and I'm sure you can too :)
You can break away from the place you're at now and don't forget: The internet is a big place with lots of people! Using boards like these ones I am sure you can find a supportive group of online friends, so please don't ever feel like you're alone or that your boyfriend is the only one you can talk to.
There's others of us out there who know at least partly how you feel and we're all in this together.
Re: I feel angry all the time, please read this..
I do understand how you are feeling. I have been battling depression and the desire to escape my fears, insecurities all my adult life. Mine started with a severe postpartum depression that never went away (30 years ago). I truly believe that professional help with both medication and therapy is valuable. Medication helps restore the balance in the brains neurotransmitters, which can be off balance for a number of reasons, sometimes genetics, hormonal, seasonal, nutritional. It helps to think of depression as an illness, just like any other, that you would treat if you had it. The isolation, anger, unproductivity, lack of ambition, etc are all symptoms that get better with treatment. Therapy helps to break out of the bad habits and learn new healthier ways to cope with stresses. I would make sure my thyroid level is ok as low thyroid can cause serious depression and is often overlooked as a treatable cause. It is important to get out of the house daily, even for a walk around the neighborhood, to get fresh air, light, and a change of scenery. Light exposure in your house is important too, so opening all the blinds can help. Be careful not to use the internet as your only means of socializing, as it is also in isloation physically. You could start by going to your Dr., then the library to read some self help books on depression. I would be open minded to trying an antidepressant to raise your baseline mood. You will find it easier to help yourself once you are out of the quicksand that is pulling you down. You have done a great deal of good for yourself by abandoning the drugs. That took strength and courage. This can get better too! Keep in touch with us-we are all trying to help one another with tough life problems that we can't deal with alone.
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