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Old 09-11-2012, 06:06 PM   #1
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Am I emotionally broken?

Hi, I am sort of unsure of how to deal with whatever I have, and so I am hoping that someone can help me understand what exactly I am supposed to do. I have had a series of unfortunate things happen to me - although not as bad as many out there. I had an arranged marriage at 19, my mother was severely physically and verbally abusive, and i have big time daddy/abandonment issues because my dad turned out not to be my dad, and my 'not-dad' turned out to be abusive to my mom... I understand all of these and their potential impact on any individual, including me of course. I have been in therapy at the age of 19, then again at 26, and now I am 37 and wondering why I am still dealing with this. I have gone through a long series of medication - Prozac at 19, Zoloft in my 20's and now Welbutrim. In the past I was on medication for about 6 to 9 months and then was able to get off and go back with dealing with my life, but now I have been on medication for over a year and I cannot get things back on track, in fact they are getting worse. But that is actually not why I am in most need of some advice or feedback - I am in a relationship and I think my 'condition' is going to destroy a good thing, and I really do not want it to.
I have had an almost comical string of somewhat traumatic things happen to me - attempted rape, 9/11 survivial, and i'm a cutter - so basically I am a mess. That said I am successful, I take care of my family and work, and I generally deal with my day to day pretty well. In fact, I doubt anyone has any inkling of what really goes on with me. I however cannot control how absurdly emotionally i react, especially in a relationship. I am 100% aware of when I go off the deep end (from breaking glasses, to cutting, to complete insane crying outbursts), but for the life of me, as strong as I can be at work or in dealing with life crisises, I have zero control with my significant other...What is wrong with me? Do I need to realize that I am permanently broken/scarred/tainted or whatever, and I just need to find better coping mechanisms, or can I actually change and 'cure' myself? If so, how? Any advice would be great and thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read this

 
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Old 09-11-2012, 06:54 PM   #2
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Re: Am I emotionally broken?

Hello EmoConfused.

I think finding better coping mechanisms would be beneficial. I think trying to maintain the facade that everything is okay when it's not can be very burdensome and stressful. You've gone through traumatic and difficult situations in your life I think. I suggest being patient and forgiving to yourself as you try to find ways to express your emotions in a healthier manner.

Do you think the previous times you were in therapy were helpful at all? Going back to therapy might be a good way to learn healthier coping mechanisms.

Do you want to be in a relationship with your significant other or be in a relationship with anyone? If not, that may play a role as to why you off on the deep end on your significant other.

 
Old 09-12-2012, 12:13 AM   #3
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Re: Am I emotionally broken?

Hey there.
Let me just start by saying: There's nothing wrong with you.
You've been through quite a lot. And it's understandable as to why you act the way you do.
You've had therapy..and that may or may not have helped you, but you know don't be so hard on yourself. You've had a lot of bad luck. It's okay to be out of control sometimes.
You can't expect to still be positive or whatever AFTER all that has happened to you.

flamesabers is right, I can't explain it any better than he can.

Maybe it would be best to go back to therapy. Talking it out helps a lot.
I think your significant other should try to be more understanding. He might not know about what has happened to you. Wouldn't it be better to let him know?
That way he can try to understand. Or maybe he already does? I don't know.

And as for the cutting, please stop.
I've thought about cutting myself many times. And just thinking about it scares me.
Picturing myself doing it, just makes me want to have a mental break down. It's not as painful as when you really do it, but tell me what does it really do for you? I know that it can help relieve you from your problems, but is it really helping you?
You only will keep on cutting yourself. It will do you no good. You'll have plenty of scars and you will end up cutting your life short if you aren't careful. You are only running away by hurting yourself. Running away never solves problems. I'm sure you know that. The problem will only get worse if you do. No matter how tough of a situation you're in, you have got to find a way to fix it. Even if it will take you years, just do it.
I may sound like a know-it-all, but believe me I am not. ( If only I could do this well in my AP language class..which I'm doing so horribly in at the moment. I'm a junior in high school, by the way. ) I'm sorry, if I'm making you feel worse..but right now I'm also not in a good mood..and it's because of something stupid. ( procrastination )
I hope you'll find a way somehow. Best of luck to you!
I hope to hear from you sometime soon. Try to have a nice day wherever you are.~

 
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EmoConfused (09-13-2012)
Old 09-12-2012, 01:06 AM   #4
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Re: Am I emotionally broken?

It will be okay <3

Last edited by littlebitlost; 09-12-2012 at 01:20 AM.

 
Old 09-12-2012, 01:07 AM   #5
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Re: Am I emotionally broken?

I have no idea what it's been like for you to go through these traumatic events but there is always an Ethiopia waiting around the corner for you. It'll be difficult but I suggest take some time off to figure out what makes you happy and learn more about yourself so that you may be more comfortable with yourself and keep the things that make you happy close to your heart. Start everyday by reading an inspirational quote and try to live your day accordingly there is always hope don't give up just yet. Try to smile and see the beautiful things in life

 
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Old 09-12-2012, 01:19 AM   #6
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Re: Am I emotionally broken?

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlebitlost View Post
I have no idea what it's been like for you to go through these traumatic events but there is always an Ethiopia waiting around the corner for you. It'll be difficult but I suggest take some time off to figure out what makes you happy and learn more about yourself so that you may be more comfortable with yourself and keep the things that make you happy close to your heart. Start everyday by reading an inspirational quote and try to live your day accordingly there is always hope don't give up just yet. Try to smile and see the beautiful things in life
That was touchy. So well said . I like your idea haha. It's so positive .

 
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Old 09-13-2012, 07:13 AM   #7
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Re: Am I emotionally broken?

Hello Flamesabers, xSky and littlebitlost,

I am humbled by your responses and can't thank you enough for taking the time to write here. I had never posted on these forums, and now I see why people do...it is very liberating and soothing to be able to just tell the truth without been judged, and quite touching that even if strangers, there are people out there who can understand things that well, my own family/friends/boyfriend do not...

Flamesabers, ironically, the first time I went to therapy at 19, the doctor asked to see my mother, not me! I think it helped however, and that is why I went back in my 20s. That is around when many of my adult incidents happen, and my father past-away, so I think I had reached rock bottom. My therapist was a miracle worker and to this day I think she may have saved my life. I do not know why, but after a while she explained that she could not longer help me or see me - something about emotional attachement, or about me needing to try to do it on my own - I have no clue. I do not that at first I felt rejected and hurt, but she had given me a venue to vent and had taught me some good coping mechanisms which I put into practice. Long story short, I am now considering therapy again - I just was not sure if it would work given that it's my third time around. I also find it is very difficult to fing a good therapist, but I guess i will begin looking into it.

Ultimately, it seems to me based on the responses that I am somewhat permanently 'affected'. Maybe that is compounded by my own emotional nature, and type A personality. While a bit demoralizing, I guess I can deal with that. My boyfriend had yelled at me to get a grip and fix myself already, and he is young, means well, and has no experience dealing with the likes of me (not many do!), but he did make me wonder whether I was just being weak, and if so, why I was not 'getting a grip' already.

Thank you again, so much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by flamesabers View Post
Hello EmoConfused.

I think finding better coping mechanisms would be beneficial. I think trying to maintain the facade that everything is okay when it's not can be very burdensome and stressful. You've gone through traumatic and difficult situations in your life I think. I suggest being patient and forgiving to yourself as you try to find ways to express your emotions in a healthier manner.

Do you think the previous times you were in therapy were helpful at all? Going back to therapy might be a good way to learn healthier coping mechanisms.

Do you want to be in a relationship with your significant other or be in a relationship with anyone? If not, that may play a role as to why you off on the deep end on your significant other.

 
Old 09-13-2012, 07:20 AM   #8
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Re: Am I emotionally broken?

Hi xSky,

Thank you again for your note - I just wanted to answer your question. I started cutting myself in High School, and at this point in my life I should have stopped. I know it is a horrible coping mechanism, and I deal with it everyday as I do have to hide the scars.

I could explain what it does for me, but I feel like it would not be productive to do so. I do not endorse, I just know it helps me. Maybe it allows me to vent anger at myself, maybe it helps me visualize pain that no one else sees and makes it more real, and therefore makes it ok for me to hurt.

It makes not sense, I know, and I am working hard on stopping. If nothing else, I can no longer deal with hiding the scars, it is so shameful when someone notices and I am running out of stories to explain them...

Anyway, thank you again, and most of us, thank you for saying I am entitled to feel the way I do - even if I am not sure that is so, it is so sweet of you to say

Quote:
Originally Posted by xSky View Post
Hey there.
Let me just start by saying: There's nothing wrong with you.
You've been through quite a lot. And it's understandable as to why you act the way you do.
You've had therapy..and that may or may not have helped you, but you know don't be so hard on yourself. You've had a lot of bad luck. It's okay to be out of control sometimes.
You can't expect to still be positive or whatever AFTER all that has happened to you.

flamesabers is right, I can't explain it any better than he can.

Maybe it would be best to go back to therapy. Talking it out helps a lot.
I think your significant other should try to be more understanding. He might not know about what has happened to you. Wouldn't it be better to let him know?
That way he can try to understand. Or maybe he already does? I don't know.

And as for the cutting, please stop.
I've thought about cutting myself many times. And just thinking about it scares me.
Picturing myself doing it, just makes me want to have a mental break down. It's not as painful as when you really do it, but tell me what does it really do for you? I know that it can help relieve you from your problems, but is it really helping you?
You only will keep on cutting yourself. It will do you no good. You'll have plenty of scars and you will end up cutting your life short if you aren't careful. You are only running away by hurting yourself. Running away never solves problems. I'm sure you know that. The problem will only get worse if you do. No matter how tough of a situation you're in, you have got to find a way to fix it. Even if it will take you years, just do it.
I may sound like a know-it-all, but believe me I am not. ( If only I could do this well in my AP language class..which I'm doing so horribly in at the moment. I'm a junior in high school, by the way. ) I'm sorry, if I'm making you feel worse..but right now I'm also not in a good mood..and it's because of something stupid. ( procrastination )
I hope you'll find a way somehow. Best of luck to you!
I hope to hear from you sometime soon. Try to have a nice day wherever you are.~

 
Old 09-13-2012, 06:09 PM   #9
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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xSky HB UserxSky HB User
Re: Am I emotionally broken?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmoConfused View Post
Hello Flamesabers, xSky and littlebitlost,

I am humbled by your responses and can't thank you enough for taking the time to write here. I had never posted on these forums, and now I see why people do...it is very liberating and soothing to be able to just tell the truth without been judged, and quite touching that even if strangers, there are people out there who can understand things that well, my own family/friends/boyfriend do not...

Flamesabers, ironically, the first time I went to therapy at 19, the doctor asked to see my mother, not me! I think it helped however, and that is why I went back in my 20s. That is around when many of my adult incidents happen, and my father past-away, so I think I had reached rock bottom. My therapist was a miracle worker and to this day I think she may have saved my life. I do not know why, but after a while she explained that she could not longer help me or see me - something about emotional attachement, or about me needing to try to do it on my own - I have no clue. I do not that at first I felt rejected and hurt, but she had given me a venue to vent and had taught me some good coping mechanisms which I put into practice. Long story short, I am now considering therapy again - I just was not sure if it would work given that it's my third time around. I also find it is very difficult to fing a good therapist, but I guess i will begin looking into it.

Ultimately, it seems to me based on the responses that I am somewhat permanently 'affected'. Maybe that is compounded by my own emotional nature, and type A personality. While a bit demoralizing, I guess I can deal with that. My boyfriend had yelled at me to get a grip and fix myself already, and he is young, means well, and has no experience dealing with the likes of me (not many do!), but he did make me wonder whether I was just being weak, and if so, why I was not 'getting a grip' already.

Thank you again, so much.



That's good to know ! I hope everything goes well for you!
May happier days lie ahead~

 
Old 09-13-2012, 07:09 PM   #10
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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xSky HB UserxSky HB User
Re: Am I emotionally broken?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmoConfused View Post
Hi xSky,

Thank you again for your note - I just wanted to answer your question. I started cutting myself in High School, and at this point in my life I should have stopped. I know it is a horrible coping mechanism, and I deal with it everyday as I do have to hide the scars.

I could explain what it does for me, but I feel like it would not be productive to do so. I do not endorse, I just know it helps me. Maybe it allows me to vent anger at myself, maybe it helps me visualize pain that no one else sees and makes it more real, and therefore makes it ok for me to hurt.

It makes not sense, I know, and I am working hard on stopping. If nothing else, I can no longer deal with hiding the scars, it is so shameful when someone notices and I am running out of stories to explain them...

Anyway, thank you again, and most of us, thank you for saying I am entitled to feel the way I do - even if I am not sure that is so, it is so sweet of you to say

I don't know how you manage to hide them . It's sort of amazing that you can though yet at the same time it's sad..:/

Yeah, that's probably true.

Well, actually it does kind of make sense. I can get what you mean. I'm relieved that you want to stop. That's the first step. You're trying little by little.

Don't be ashamed of what you did. You can't control your feelings after all.
You have to learn to accept it. Accept what you did and all that has happened to you. It hurts to think about it right? I know how that feels, but you can't keep on holding to the past. Maybe you're not..but it's going to keep you from moving forward. Learn to forgive yourself. It's not your fault and it never will be okay?
Things happen, I know. Just don't think about it again. The past stays as the past. It can bring you down at times, but that's why there's a future. To get there, we have to stay strong and move on.

I'm like that. Always clinging on to the past. I've regretted so much.
I let time pass by me just like that. I always wished that I could have done something memorable as a kid. Looking back, I had always been a shy kid...I don't know why. Maybe it's in my genes..maybe I'm afraid to speak out..to hear my own voice. I'm still shy as of today, but I want to try not to be.

I had never tried making friends and that's why I have a hard time talking to people. I have a few real life friends now, and a lot of friendly classmates I want to get to know more about. Well, and then there's my online friends. They've helped me so much. They gave me so much support, encouragement, and good memories. If I could meet them in person, I would give them a big hug.
To thank them for all that they've done for me. I'm so grateful.

It's okay to give them excuses sometimes. Especially since you might not know them well. And it would be awkward since you don't know what they might think or say afterwards. But if anything, maybe if he/she seems like they could be trusted or is actually worried about you and they want to listen..tell them.
I'm sure they'll stay by your side and listen carefully to what you're saying.
It could help relieve your heart of your anger, pain and sadness .

Don't try to hurt yourself ever again alright? It's painful.
I've had always thought about it.
Doing all these crazy things to hurt myself because I had felt that I needed to be punished..to be hurt..to finally be able to accept myself. I hate myself, and everything that I've done to hurt the people I love and care about.
I'm always regretting..I hate that.

And you're welcome. I'm glad you're feeling better .

 
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