I'm a teen and I've always been the type of person that goes out of their way to help people. I can't help it I just normally feel sick and so worried when I see someone upset and I help them, it's what I do, but lately, the past few months or so I can't summon the strength to help people. I'd see someone upset and I'd try to ask them about it but my eyes would glaze over and I just wouldn't care, which is out of character for me. Lately it's gotten worse. I see someone upset and I just completely ignore and don't care.
Another thing is I'm so exhausted in more ways than one. Mentally I'm going insane, emotionally I'm drained and I can't even find the strength and will to smile and pretend to be happy. Whenever someone talks to me I try to keep the conversation as short as possible and now I try to avoid conversations all together. I don't have a father and my mother and older brother don't even feel like family. Honestly I feel alone in the dark slowly drowning. Almost as if I'm trapped in a pitch black room surrounded by people screaming at me you're not good enough and no one wants you, I'd try to run but I can't see where I'm running to...
The past few days everything seems so monochromatic. I wake up, go to school, come home, try to go to sleep and then do it all again tomorrow. I don't see the point in it any more. I use to always be smiling and laughing and doing art but now I just stare at nothing all day feeling like someone has come along and sucked the pure life energy out of my very being. Everything seems pointless and everything just leads to disappointment anyway. It's getting worse and worse though. Recently I've been having, what I describe as a heart attack? Just throughout the day it randomly happens. I start to lose my breath, my heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest or throat because it's so fast and strong, and I start to feel distant as if I'm watching through a camera through my eyes and I stumble a bit, but then after 20 mins or so I'm fine. I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares, I feel like the walking dead half the time. Last night I suddenly had a panic attack like when you wake up from a horrible nightmare and you're so scared you can't help but cry. I tried pinching myself but it didn't work and I honestly feel like I'm in a nightmare that will never end.
I have a boyfriend, 2 months now, and even though we go to the same school I never see him. I go to where he hangs out to see him but he's always surrounded by his friends that are girls instead of spending time with me. I tried talking to him about it but now we spend even less time together, like he doesn't want to see me and his friends are more important. I'm not asking him to drop his friends all together but I see him about once a week if I'm lucky and it's not even for long. I feel so worthless and lost and distant and I'm sick of coming home and crying myself to sleep every night with a pain and sick feeling in my stomach and chest feeling unsafe. I don't know what's wrong with me I'm just so exhausted with trying! and I'm always alone..
I'm not the type to ask for help but please help me.
Well, you may not realize it but you just helped me experience a state of joy in reading your post. These ironies are everywhere. I feel so good when I hear of kind and giving people like you. Do not misiterpret what I mean here. I have major sufferings too and don't wish that on anyone. What I felt was a sense of deep and genuine compassion for you, a real "I really can feel compassion for you in your time of suffering". Strangely for me, there is such a profound feeling of completeness I feel when I have deep compassion for another person or living thing, especially when the person is kind hearted as you described yourself.