Hello Adam, and welcome to the HealthBoards. We are so happy that you have chosen to join us here, and let some of these feelings out. When you can vent your feelings it is so much better for you than trying to hold them inside. Although we are strangers, many of us have found great bonds with each other, who have shared similar circumstances with each other. There is always strength in numbers, and we are here to listen and to help.
It is understandable that living through a suicide, particularly of a parent, is very difficult. I can imagine all the thoughts that have gone through your head, both then and now.
Have you sought out and professional help? I would certainly encourage you to do so, as grief is something we have to go through to get to the other side, and allow ourselves to grow from our experience and live beyond it.
Many of us simply do not have the tools we need to do the work to get through all the emotions involved. We need to be able to identify and remove many of the mis-conceptions we hold onto, and replace them with the right thoughts and feelings about ourselves and the departed. This can take help from those trained to do so. It is a sign of strength.
Please feel free to post and let these feelings out. Everyone here is very empathic and is happy to lend an ear to you. There is much to be gained just from releasing all the thoughts that have filled your mind. I wish you the very best...