am i depressed?
First off i'd like to say that i don't know if this the right place to post this. Secondly, please excuse any grammatical errors i might make writing this, as english is not my native language.
Lately i've been getting really depressed and i find myself reflecting on my life constantly. All of the mistakes that i've made and all my talent that i have wasted. I feel empty, meaningless. I feel like i've been given the gift of intelligence and i have just gone and thrown it all away for nothing. It's a horrible, horrible feeling and i just can't seem to shake it...
both of my parents are ex-alcoholics, (quit before i was born) my brother is a drug addict/criminal that has never been a big part of my life due to him being incarcerated, and one of my sisters is also a drug addict (mostly weed but also amphetamine/ alcohol), so needless to say i've had a very different life from all of my friends. (they all have rich, christian, good-moraled parents and had a normal childhood)
i'm not going to go through my whole life story here but basically i've always been looked at as the bright one, and my teachers has always told me i am a very smart boy. I've always done very well in school with little to no effort. But the last 2-3 years i've lost all motivation to do anything. School is no longer interesting to me, and i even took a year off last year, which made everything much worse for me.
I feel like up to this point i've been living a lie. Like everyone in my family knew exactly how ****** up they are and they just decided not to tell me how ****** up my family is. ugh... i don't really know how to put this feeling into words but it feels like the truth about my family has been kept from me, and i've slowly but surely figured out how ****** up everything is.
I don't feel like i am a part of my own family, and that feeling is killing me mentally. I have this constant lingering thought that i dont belong here...
Sorry if this post is meaningless but i just feel the need to vent, this has been going on for the last 2-3 years as i said but this year it has slowly become worse and i don't know how long it can be like this. my mind never rests and i'm loosing sleep every night, even crying myself to sleep, which just makes me mad at myself for pittying myself so much..