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PugLife · 11-12-2012, 05:53 PM

Hi everyone,

I'm a 22 year old female and I'm new to this forum. I thought it would be nice to have a place to talk about things that other people shy away from. I feel that the story of my unfortunate life events overwhelm people so I'm pretty quiet about it with my friends but I wanted to share it because I'm feeling increasingly alone and shafted by life.

I became suffering from depression about 2 years ago. I've always been a pretty quiet and shy person but I've started feeling off around 2 years ago. It could be argued that I've always suffered from depression, but it's never been this bad.

A year ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Recently his condition is getting worse everyday and we were told that the doctor could no longer help him. Now it's only a matter of time. With him being sick he stopped working awhile ago. My mother is a housewife so my dad's work was our only source of income. Because my dad worked overseas most of his life he does not have a pension plan or insurance, nor do we own any property or any form of assets. Both my parents are quite old so it is difficult for my mom to find a job now. I am currently living with my parents and working part-time to cover any expenses I might have being as my parents have no source of income anymore.

I also recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. We had both applied to go to Japan to teach, but I didn't make it and he left. I was feeling very alone and was at a bad job at the time and eventually we decided to end our relationship. My depression was getting significantly worse and he did not want to deal with it anymore. Shortly after he told me that he was diagnosed with brain cancer. As much as I wanted to be there for him, with him in Japan there wasn't much I could do and my depression was only making things worse for him. He loved him very much and just feel like an amazing series of unfortunate events tore us apart. Since our breakup we do not talk but I miss him and cry knowing that there isn't much I could do.

My depression is also making it hard for me to find work or keep work. I had some bad experiences my last few jobs, and although I thought my new job was going very well, I was told that I am not bubbly enough and now fear losing my job. It's not the best job but I need that minimal money I can get. My self-esteem is already so low that I feel that losing this job would make it impossible for me to fake being happy to succeed at another job.

Overall I feel like life is infair to me and that I have no place in society. I do not know what I want to do but am increasingly feeling like I fail at everything because I'm can't be bubbly. I am on increasing amounts of Zoloft but it hasn't helped much. I also went to the ER, saw a psychiatrist and am continuing to see a therapist. I have not been able to sleep without medication for a year now.

I also developed an addiction to sleeping medication.

I don't really expect many people to read this, nor do I know what I expected to happen if I posted it. I just wanted to see if other people thought my life would turn around. I'm hoping it will but it is becoming increasingly hard to convince myself it will.

flamesabers · 11-12-2012, 08:18 PM

Hello PugLife.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through so many stressful and unfortunate events.

I think it's possible your life can turn around but it might be in small increments you may not notice at first. For example, the Zoloft could become more effective with relieving your depressive symptoms. As you start to feel better, the people around you like your therapist and your family may notice your voice and behavior become more lively and responsive. You might gradually feel more resilient and less despairing over your future and place in society.

Do you feel your therapist is helpful at all? I think it can be so hard to be hopeful about your future or life in general when bad circumstances are dominating your life and it feels so impossible for things to change for the better. Something I like when I talk with my therapist is hearing a different perspective on what's been bothering me and how I perceive myself.

What dosage of Zoloft are you taking? I spent about 14 months on Zoloft and I went up to the maximum dose of 200 mg along with taking 20 mg of Buspar and 150 mg of Wellbutrin. I think the Zoloft helped with getting me to be more proactive with my life which in turned helped to improve my overall mood and outlook, but there came a time when I decided to switch to a different med. I'm not sure if it was side-effects or the Zoloft stopped working, but I eventually switched to a different med because of the tiredness and emotional flatness I was experiencing while taking 200 mg of Zoloft.

I lost my father unexpectedly when I was 23. Something that helped me with grieving his death was talking to other people about what I was feeling and how they coped with the death of a loved one. I'm normally a very private person so this was a big change in behavior for me.

I hope writing about what you're going through has helped you feel a little better and not so alienated.

PugLife · 11-12-2012, 08:42 PM

Thanks flamesabers for the reply. I find talking to the therapist encouraging. She tells me that I'll get through it because I'm tough with all the things happening to me. She was the first people who told me I was tough. I spent my life thinking I'm weak. I'm on the 200mg of Zoloft. I'm not sure what they'll do if that doesn't really work out.

I'm just very worried about my work situation. I don't even feel bad at work and feel fine but I am still told I look sad all the time. I am trying my best and thought I was being happy at work but apparently the depression is still obvious. When you think things are doing fine and then suddenly they aren't it crushes my self-esteem. Although I can just "try" to be bubbly at work I feel now that I'm being monitored and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I just feel that them telling me to be more bubbly is going to make me less bubbly.

flamesabers · 11-13-2012, 08:11 AM

You're welcome.

They might prescribe another med to help boost the effects of the Zoloft, or they might recommend switching to a different med altogether.

Hmm, I'm not sure about how to appear bubbly at work. Even when I'm not depressed, I most frequently exhibit a serious demeanor. Maybe your therapist has some advice on how to fake being bubbly enough at work to avoid scrutiny?

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