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Old 11-14-2012, 04:38 PM   #1
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greyclear HB User
Backed into a corner what can i do?

I am 35 years old, out of work, no income and live with my parents. I voluntary quit a job to pursue another one last year in June but that job fell through the crack and renegotiation didn't work. I was not allowed to go back to my old job (company policy) until six months later by that time they had already filled the position. I have been trying for some time now to find work as time goes by I receive less calls and it is apparent due to the large gap from the time of last employment. I do not have any formal training just a lot of experience so this probably doesn't help. What has not helped at all is I have had very little time to tend to my needs and it grows worse as time passes and attitude.

I moved out as soon as I was 17 and lived on my own up until I was 26 and decided to move in with my grandmother who was diagnosed with cancer to tend to her needs. Nine days before she died I had lost my job, laid off with no warning. I spent my time with her and I was very close to her. After she died I was in shock for several months. I did't recuperate till sometime the year after. I had exhausted all of my savings and had to move in with my parents. I left home because my father and I never got along. He is an alcoholic and very self absorbed person. I have tried to make the best of things but I cannot move forward because I have to work where he wants me to work, eat what he wants me to eat, do what he wants me to do. If I do not go along with the flow he will do a very good job at making you feel bad. Out of five kids I am the only one who has not abandon him. My mother has left him several times but was a futile effort, something along the lines of stalking she doesn't really go into detail about it. I didn't really believe it all to much myself till I started to experience it as well, such as always wanting to know where I am going, who I am talking to, what I am doing and even driving past places I am just to see if I am where I said I was going.

After I lost my job in 2006 I was offered another job in late 2007 doing similar work with a higher rate of pay, benefits but a 60 mile commute one way. However the vehicle I owned was not mine it was his and four days before I started work he told me to find another job. I was shocked to hear it and even more shocked to find out how serious he was. I never knew till a year later why. I have struggled to find any work since then where I can move out on my own.

What takes up most of my time now that I am not working is doing things around the house that I am asked of. Disregarding the fact that I have other plans, these are not important (to him). I try to schedule interviews around a time where I don't think I have anything to do but it usually ends up in argument because if I don't get the job right after an interview, I have done something wrong in his eyes. I support a small client doing technology work and what money I make from that which does not exceed more than $100 a month is used up purchasing medicine needed for blood pressure, acid reflux, gas to make my trips back n forth. Because my dad drinks heavily he will never drive himself anywhere and needs someone else to. And because I do live in his house I have to abide by his rules. So if he wants to go to the casino, the store, the bank or just drive around at the crack of dawn you best be ready or your going to get an ear full.

The casino trip are the worst. He will not leave till he cannot get anymore more money out of the bank. These ventures to the casino wear me out physically and mentally. They are not some hour trip they last 10-15 hours, sometimes three to four days a week. He drinks himself into a stupor where he gets violent with machines he plays, has no idea what he is doing most of the time, repeats the same things over 10 times or more and other obsessive issues on how you should be playing. And what kills me is no one reports it and no security guard catches it. If I say anything I risk being out on the sidewalk. He has been kicked off several times but this doesn't stop him. The trip is an hour there and hour back and the trip home is almost as worst as the trip there. You are going to hear belittlement, cheated out of money and asked dozens of times if you have any money on you and if you don't give it you are stingy. (as if I can magically make it appear) You will starve yourself for the day as well, since he drinks he doesn't eat and isn't going to offer you anything. You need to be by his side most of the time because he wants you to get this, cash in this, get a beer etc etc. So far I have broken him of asking me to go but it has been difficult. In return he uses my mom in place of me and my mom is so depressed I feel bad for her because she doesn't have much of a choice either. Even when working I had to do this.

In 2007 I had developed enough stress over my grandmother I had started to develop chest pains and really bad migraines. I started to record my BP to take to the doctor. I was avg 212/130 and higher on a regular basis I couldn't take it anymore I went to see a doctor. All I remember from my visit is him saying Left ventricular hypertrophy I believe is what he said and cut back on fatty foods. It was difficult to explain that I didnt have my own diet but what my dad wanted me to eat which consists of junk food and gorging on buffets after been drinking all day. After a couple years the medicine was not working anymore so he added an additional pill to this. When this was not helping my dad asked me to stop seeing him and go to someone else that he was seeing in the past. Five years later and it is not working anymore. The original doctor we were trying to figure out why I was having sleep issues and problems with being so sleepy after eating but I did not want to inform my dad of any of this which is why I agreed to change doctors at his request. If you doubt his suggestions again your going to hear about it. Anyone who has stood up to him you itll be your last hence why my brothers and sisters have never been around.

With no money to take care of my health I tried family services. Talked with a psychiatrist and a doctor. I remember the doctor telling me if I didnt get my BP under control "I would end up a god damn vegetable" were his words. He gave me a list of clinics I could call for people on low income and I got on a waiting list. These had 2-3 month lists and I never got a call back. The psychiatrist I never spoke about my issues with my dad since it never came up. I was asked what appeared to be canned questions. A month passed after seeing them both a letter came saying I was not eligible for any aide.

Today I realized I have hit a low point which is not the only time but what set it off is because after seeing my client today I was not in a good mood telling someone that hey, ill help you when I get done but in a very low upset voice that came off as dont bug me (they didnt deserve it). The owner had overpaid me by $13 last month and I had told her about it as I thought it was a mistake and she said it wasn't a mistake it was just a little extra and instead of saying thank you, I said don't do it again. I felt really bad after I had left and realized what I had done.

In short I am becoming anti-sociable, very irritable my own friends won't talk to me anymore because I have nothing really good to say that is positive. I am still trying to find work even using the help of a recruiter/temporary staffing agencies but I haven't heard anything back. I have no doubt my deteriorated attitude isn't helping as I was once a charming, witty person who could make anyone laugh. Health wise, my front teeth are cracked off and broken as a result of gritting my teeth holding my words back in stressful situations that I end up crying about later. I hate that I cannot smile without being judged. I am getting very dizzy when I walk around ergo makes me really green, lack of sleep is causing me to lose concentration, even driving if I dont lay my head back on the head rest I feel like I am in a bubble on top of water. My thoughts are going to a dark place, I find myself having a conversation in my own car and no one else is there I don't know why. I generally wait all day to eat anything as I don't want any face time with my dad so I am making myself sick a lot.

My sisters have their own life now probably not what they wanted but to get away from dad they did what they could. I know my brother is in this situation now he is not happy but has to do what he has to do. I dont want to wedge myself into someone elses life to get away from my problems I should be able to do it myself but I dont know what else to do. Some days I fear I am going to stroke out as if someone just turned the light switch off.

 
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Old 12-12-2012, 12:04 PM   #2
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Re: Backed into a corner what can i do?

Just try and relax. Think positive thoughts. Remember how good your life was and good it will be. Jump for opportunities and grab them, driving them deep into the ground and never let them go.

 
Old 12-12-2012, 01:20 PM   #3
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Re: Backed into a corner what can i do?

you're in an unhealthy environment and I think if you could find someway to move out of your parents house, that would be the first step in feeling better. Do you have any friends, relatives, acquaintances that you could room with? the relationship between you and your dad is a co-dependent one and those are hard to shake. you might want to read the book co-dependent no more, it helped me tremendously. I'm co-dependent, and i struggle with it, but I am learning to tend to my own needs instead of always putting everyone else above me.....sounds like you need to do that too

 
Old 12-12-2012, 07:26 PM   #4
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Re: Backed into a corner what can i do?

Grayclear, I grew up with a father like yours and know exactly how defenseless you can feel having to take all that abuse and not be able to do anything. In my situation I was lucky to have found a wonderful woman who understood me and turned my life around. I am so blessed to have her, especially in times like these when my anxiety and depression have taken my strength. I mention this to tell you that you too should have hope and believe with all your heart that life will get better for you too. You need to gather the strength to walk away for the poison that is slowly ruining your life. You are able to see that what your dad is doing is wrong because there is a good person in you who wants something better. If your siblings went through the same thing that you are going through they will lend you a hand and take you in if you ask just so you can get away from what they ran away from. You will see that once you are out of that toxic environment, your mind will clear and you will find it in you to move forward. Believe in yourself and let others help you just like that employer tried to help you. You are not above going back and apologizing for your behavior and trust me; they will appreciate it because it takes a great person to recognize when they did wrong and to try to correct it. I will pray for you to have the strength to find yourself again.

 
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