I was googling clinical depressin after a breakup and found this forum so I figured I would post something since I don't really talk to people about my problems.
In the beginning of September my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She was never 100% forthcoming about her reasoning but after it was all said and done I was fairly certain it was for a guy she worked with. We had lived together for a year and a half at that point. Initially I thought I'd be alright after the breakup and things seemed Ok. A few weeks later though, near the beginning of October I started becoming very depressed and drinking heavily. I couldn't even stay in the area where I had lived with her so I quit my job and moved back with my parents. It was a very hard decision to do this because I haven't lived with them since 2007. There were days I couldn't even make it to work because I just didn't have the strength to get out of bed. Luckily I quit before I was fired.
After I moved in with the parents I lost all motivation to do anything. I know I need to find a new job but I can't even bring myself to look because the future doesn't look all that interesting. My eating is up and down in regards to appetite. I go out and see friends but I'm always putting on a mask to try and seem happy. Every day just drags on and I have to force myself to get out of bed in the mornings. I used to be very nice to people and could see the good in them, but now I just am indifferent to everyone. I don't like talking to people, especially friends and family, about my problems and ow I haven't been happy in 2 months. The person I used to be able to tell anything to is gone. Even when I'm out and Im somewhere crowded I feel completely alone. I wake up sweating every morning and angry. I'm very quick to anger now, over stupid little things.
I just don't know what else to do. I feel as if I don't want to be here or deal with the pain anymore. People tell me "you just need to snap out of it". I would love to be able to just wake up and not hate everything and be happy. But I can't. I dont have insurance so I can't afford to go to counseling or get medication. Ive been trying vitamins (lithium orotate, b12, magnesium, fish oil, etc) but they haven't had much of an effect. I had to start my whole life over and now I'm 26 and living with my parents. I look at myself as pathetic and useless. I want to get better. I've always had problems with depression throughout my life but this time it's really hitting me hard. I guess I just needed to tell my story to someone. I know I don't have it that bad, but my brain keeps telling me I do. It really sucks.
The following user gives a hug of support to Duke25: writeleft (11-14-2012)
Hello Duke, and welcome, we are glad you are here with us. I hope you will find lots of understanding and encouraging people here to listen. As you mentioned, the act of simply putting your feelings down on to "paper" can be very therapeutic in itself. If you can garner some support and kind words, even better. Just by jumping right in and putting yourself out is a very positive move on your part, even though you might feel it is out of despair and depression. One thing most of us can relate to is a broken heart, as we have all had at least one in our adult lives, if not many more. They are never easy, and never without allowing ourselves to go though the process fully. For most, that means doing the time it takes to change our habits and expectations.
It is unfortunate you do not have access to medical services, as I am sure you could benefit from counseling and other forms of therapy for depression, after a thorough examination and diagnosis. You still have the ability to fight your way through, and I would go kicking and clawing my way back to happiness, if it were me. Simply do not allow yourself to be overcome by this event in your life. You are certainly worth every bit of effort it takes to pull yourself back into the game.
I do not know how your relationship with your parents is, but you are staying with them, which might indicate you have a pretty good relationship. Are they someone you can confide in about the depth of your depression? Perhaps they could help provide you with some help, if you can open up to them. it they are like most of the parents I know, they would likely do anything to help you when you are in need. Seek the help you need from any possible resource, that is a sign of strength, as opposed to the opposite, as many people think.
The more that you practice making yourself feel a bit better, the more you realize that the depression can be lifted, if even for just a minute, with small effort.
Our attitudes are something only we can control, and to practice boosting our own attitudes when needed is a great tool to ward off depression. This is not to say that a clinical depression can be thwarted by a great attitude, but it can go a long way in breaking up long stretches of misery that is left unchecked.
I encourage you to keep posting so we can get to know you better, and you can share your struggles with us, to keep your mind free of all the stress and pain you have been carrying. We all need someone to offer an ear when we need to let our feelings go...We are always here to do that.
Look forward to hearing back from you with your thoughts.