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Old 12-07-2012, 07:02 PM   #1
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Relapsing into Depression?

I fell into a deep depression when I was 18. By the time I was 22 I started recovering, I moved to another state and essentially rebooted myself and everything around me. I'm practically almost 27 now. I met a guy that treats me very well and is one of the greatest blessings in my life. He makes me happy and makes me feel like an awesome person. I'm happy with most everything my life, but a few things nowadays. I won't list them all, but one that I have found has triggered my current state of depression is with work. It's a mixture of broken procedures at work and a mixture of what I would guess are issues of my own. I have a few walls that I run into that when faced with them I turn and go another direction completely. Sometimes just switching jobs to avoid the problem. I'm with a job that I don't or can't easily justify leaving (good pay and flexible hours to continue going to school). I'm finding a pattern in when I face these obstacles I can't seem to deal with them. I just become discouraged, frustrated, apathetic and eventually depressed until I make it so I'm not facing those issues anymore. Whenever I start to think about facing them I find myself in negative thought loops that I'm doomed to repeat the cycle.

Part of me wonders if these aren't really problems with me, but problems with the way our work force is setup and in particular the job that I have. (Expectations that have me compromise who I am)

I don't know. I've been finding myself sleeping a lot more, being extremely lazy when I'm not required to be at work or school, lethargic, food doesn't peak my interest much other than the fact that I shouldn't be hungry, I rarely initiate sex with my partner as it seems my sex drive has taken a nose dive, and feeling an overall sense to be doomed to these cycles I seem to be in.

I'm concerned I'm becoming depressed again and knowing how this goes it usually starts off this way. Eventually it becomes more intense and it's a deep hole to climb out of and not always without a lot of help.

Often times I feel that I need something to take the edge off these feelings. Whether that's alcohol or some other drug-related consumption. I go for these things even when the time is not appropriate. I may have a problem. I don't think I've allowed for anyone else around me to be aware of this as I don't like to air my dirty laundry to those I know. I'm a bit ashamed of it and my need of such things. I used to smoke cigarettes, but I quit when I moved. I can't stop drinking coffee, it seems even harder than quitting cigarettes (damn coffee shop on every freakin' corner and the social welcoming of coffee addicts).

I really feel that I have a lot of things going for me as I am currently surrounded by my partners good family and my partner is amazing (couldn't have asked for better), I'm going to school for what I want, I'm fairly healthy - nothing real major...

I don't know why I'm posting to this forum really and I hope that I'm posting to the right forum. My apologies if it's not as this is my first post to HealthBoards. I guess I just wanted to put these feelings and thoughts into a format that someone else (whoever you are) would understand what I'm going though. I'm not comfortable sharing them with the people that mean so much to me. I don't want to risk changing the way they view me or the way our relationships are. I just don't want to feel alone in this or that no one understands what I'm going though. I am open to thoughts, advice, really... anything. And if nothing, at least these thoughts are outside of myself as well.

 
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:01 AM   #2
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USmiss HB User
Re: Relapsing into Depression?

Hi there, sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. It does seem like you a depressed. Are you on medication? It may help give you the boost you need. Your job might be triggering some insecurities in you, but if it's a decent job, then you need to find ways around that. Remember, when we are depressed, we are much more sensitive to negative feedback in the environment and we are hopeless. We also think much less of ourselves and our abilities. If you feel you are inching back towards the hole of depression you experienced years ago, you should seek out help now to hopefully nip it in the butt. Do you see a therapist? It might help to talk to someone about your problems who can objectively give you feedback. Also, does your partner know about your depression? You should share that with him as it would hopefully help to have emotional support from someone you love. Additionally, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs is only going to make you worse. Alcohol is a depressant. PLEASE, if you are self-medicating, get help. You don't want to have this get any worse. Best of luck.

 
Old 12-09-2012, 04:33 PM   #3
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Re: Relapsing into Depression?

I used to be on medication for depression a few years back, but when I moved I found that it wasn't necessary anymore and that I felt flat lined most of the time with it. I weened myself off after six months. It was a rough six months. Doctors don't tell you how terrible withdrawals can be. That was in 2008/2009. My perspective on depression has changed a lot since then. I used to think it was a combination of genetic predisposition and circumstantial triggers, but now I have come to believe that most of it stems from thought patterns and those which you feed are those that take root and grow. I can recognize that my thoughts lately have been negative and hard on myself, but I do find it hard to not think that way now. I don't know why now as I've been able to alter my thinking with my own will in the last four years. I kinda hate the idea of being medicated again. Maybe I will consult with a therapist though. Work is good financially and schedule-wise, but its a very high stress environment. Sometimes I start to wonder if I'll ever quite find a job where I can be happy with what I do an not wrestle with it triggering moods in me when times get difficult. It is the hardest thing to admit to those that you love that you maybe/are struggling with depression. It's a hard road and can be very difficult for family to watch someone go through it. I've been avoiding having to tell them for that reason. Thank you for your advise though. I think I recognize that I need help.

 
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apathetic, depression, discouraged, relapse, sleep



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