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Old 01-22-2013, 08:26 PM   #1
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untitled

hi, ive made this post untitled because, well, because i dont know what to call it. im looking for answers, and it feels like in all the wrong places. my depression blasts me down every day, and i forget things that i should remember like my friends are still my friends, not people who are planning or are leaving. my anxiety is not good either, i stay inside because i utterly dread going out to anywhere like a store, i can feel everyones eyes on me, and it makes me think people are thinking stuff about me. i guess what im trying to get across, is, i need help, badly, my depression knocks me down 5 feet for every inch i gain. every day is not gloom and doom though, i guess i have some fun moments like for 5 minuets, but then it goes back to being depressed.

my very good friend who has been here by my side (figuratively as she is in california and i am all the way in wisconsin) has helped me in tremendous ways. she is helping me identify my triggers, and one of them i am absolutley ashamed of, it has to do with other peoples happiness. i look at their happiness and congratulate them on being so happy in life, and having the things they have, but through that fake smile (which ive gotten pretty good at, hiding who i really am all theese years) the thoughts race in my head of my own life, and then i start to see everything that is missing, the happiness, and that drives the depression into a 15mile deep hole that i cant get out of very easily (usually with the help of as needed prescribed medication) in having this trigger, does that make me a monster? or some kind of evil leech that wants to suck the life out of the world? because thats how i feel and that only drives it deeper :/

something else that worries me to no end, is if people believe me or not, i am being truthful, but i cant get the thought out of my head that people secretly dont believe a word i say and im going to end up in a psych ward or something, which is not where i would like to go :/

are all of theese things real? because frequently i keep thinking "what if it is not real? what if this is just a dream or some type of thing?"

 
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:21 PM   #2
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Re: untitled

Hello Scribbs.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I don't think there is anything unusual or strange about comparing your life to the life of others. When I'm depressed I look at people that are happy and successful and I berate myself for not being able to pull myself together and work endlessly towards achieving my goals in life. It's a vicious cycle in which I end up feeling worse and worse about myself.

When I started seeking treatment for my depression I wondered whether my therapist and doctor would believe me. I had thoughts like "what if I'm just making this all up?" or "maybe I'm just lazy and feeling sorry for myself rather than struggling with depression" running through my mind. Fortunately my therapist and doctor believed me and helped me with getting started on a treatment plan.

I suppose there is no way to know for certain to know if someone will believe you or not. However, I think doctors and therapists can usually tell when someone is depressed versus someone who is not. Are you seeing a therapist? And are you continuing to take medication for your depression?

 
Old 01-26-2013, 12:42 PM   #3
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Re: untitled

thank you flamesabers, but unfortunately im not on medication, the doctors at the hospital i went to decided to take me off the medication, for some reason that they thought it was making me worse, i was prescribed 100mg of zoloft and it had little to no effect on me, although i am seeing a therapist currently and i am on a waitlist for a psychiatrist to see for medications. and im not sure if having a very vivid dream of both of my therapists (the one i had previously before the one i have now) in the same car laughing at me and saying very hurtful things to me prompts a very good relationship to my therapist ._. so im on the fence about getting a new one, i would like to, but it feels wrong and cruel to get a new one for some odd reason.

 
Old 01-26-2013, 04:34 PM   #4
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Re: untitled

I've had to try a variety of antidepressants before finding one that works for me, so it sounds odd how your doctors wouldn't be willing to give you something else. I've taken Zoloft also, and I've had to go as high as the maximum dose of 200 mg to get a therapeutic effect. I stopped taking Zoloft because it made me too tired throughout the day.

If you feel it's appropriate, I suggest talking to your therapist about seeing a new therapist. I think sometimes seeing a new therapist can really help in making a difference, other times people stay with their current therapist but try a different approach with their therapy.

 
Old 01-28-2013, 07:15 PM   #5
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Re: untitled

they talked about another medication they would put me on, but then it got lost somewhere in the 4 days i was there.

and as of right now my depression is getting the best of me, im getting more and more sad as i keep thinking about the fact that my friends are probably ignoring me, and i get more and more worried that they are leaving me or are not liking me. as you can probably tell, i have very big acceptance issues, also i feel like a 12 year old with how unstable my moods get.

i also get in theese moods now and again when all i can really do is just sit there and stare at the wall or something, its like the energy has been drained from my body and my mind cant settle on something, and i have no will to move, only to sit.

my next therapist visit is at least 2 weeks out ( ive been going weekly) and already the start of my week is horrible, the visits are for me like a reset button, although when i go there, nothing seems to stick, i go home feeling confused, and doubting myself, and forget what we talked about.

i also still cant get over the fact that ive been with him for 4-5 weeks now, that seems like a lot of time and i dont want to dissapoint or make him angry by bringing up seeing a new therapist, i sort of feel trapped, and when i go there i understand what he says, but i feel no connection to it at all, like there is an invisible wall that feelings cant go through.

i really wish i was on medication because there is just no end to the downs outside of the therapist visit, also ive been trying to sort of get into things like one thing i really want to do is make music, but every time i try to learn, or load up the program, i instantly get defeated and i just quit :/

 
Old 01-29-2013, 05:27 AM   #6
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Re: untitled

When talking to your therapist I suggest taking notes and/or doing homework assignments in which you can practice on your own what you learned during your therapy session. This may help with retaining what was said during your therapy sessions.

If you haven't, I recommend telling him you understand what he says but it's not sinking in for you. I can relate to this and I've told my therapist numerous times when I felt like I was in the same predicament. While we may be aware there are ways to improve our health and moods, it may all feel pointless and ineffective because the depression feels too overpowering and consuming. I think it's very important for your therapist to be aware of what he's saying is not making a connection with you. He may try a different approach that is more successful with making a connection to you.

Last edited by flamesabers; 01-29-2013 at 05:29 AM.

 
Old 01-29-2013, 05:10 PM   #7
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Re: untitled

thanks, ill try to do that next visit, although stuff gets lost really easy in my room, ill try to keep track of it. and i have told him that i understand what he is saying and that it just not staying there, and before that he asked me if what he was saying was making a connection and i said no so hes trying a new approach, but my fear is that if i change therapists it will be the same, resulting in drawbacks not steps foreward, because what if i get a new one that is the same way or worse :/

also just tried again to start to learn how to make music, got defeated, and quit, that seems to happen a lot when i try to do something

 
Old 01-29-2013, 06:33 PM   #8
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Re: untitled

I know it's easier said than done, but I think until you tryout what I suggested earlier, or possibly get a new therapist, there's no way to know for certain how things are going to turn out. Although it may feel improbable, what if things turn around for the better in regards to talking to your therapist? I know it's not easy to make this kind of adjustment, but you may find it helpful to keep this in the back of your mind.

 
Old 01-29-2013, 07:05 PM   #9
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Re: untitled

yeah, i can relate to that, everything is easier said than done, i am actually scared of what comes at the other side of the tunnel, i know what ive been through and what i am in right now, but the future is what scares me, be it for better or for worse

 
Old 02-02-2013, 03:03 PM   #10
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Re: untitled

please excuse me for my double post, but i feel i need to say this, so, ive been trying to help myself more and more, and ive applied for food stamps, because im under 22 i need to put my mother on aswell, my mother has always said that she really wants to help me, and that she wants to help more than i think i know, but as time wears on, i see less and less of her want to help. when i had food stamps before, although i hated going out to wall mart for food, i felt a little something because i bought something for me, and she has made her mind up that her pride is too good to help me do this, she is stubborn, selective, condescending, and she drives me insane, to the point of lashing out at my own body for no reason other than something just snaps up there.

i know i need to leave this place and i wish i could do it right this second, so i could start being myself in my own place, and beginning to not have her negative energy around me. every time i tell her (try to because she thinks ive given up, and constantly tells me to just fill out applications or just go out and do community service, which is not a good idea for me given my large fear of public areas) it ends up with me being sevearly emotionally unstable and rended that i cant even bring myself to eat the next day or so, she continues to not listen to me, only saying what she thinks is the best. little does she know its hurting very bad, and now this thing with the food stamps, it feels like she is abandoning me for her pride, like she is ashamed of me, ashamed to be my mother, she says she wants to help, but every time i need help she just does what everyone else in my life (real life not the internet) does, they turn tail and run, ive grown to know that my real family is on the internet, my very close friends who have stuck by me this whole time.

i dont know if this is the right place to ask but is there anything i can do? i dont like talking to my mother nor do i feel very fond of her, and i have no where else i can stay, im beginning to get desperate for something to happen but its not happening.

 
Old 02-02-2013, 05:37 PM   #11
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Re: untitled

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scribbs View Post
i dont know if this is the right place to ask but is there anything i can do? i dont like talking to my mother nor do i feel very fond of her, and i have no where else i can stay, im beginning to get desperate for something to happen but its not happening.
I'm not sure if there is an immediate solution to the problem you're facing. I think if you're able to get back on medication and spend some more time talking with your therapist, you may find it easier to cope with the challenges you're facing.

 
Old 02-11-2013, 04:45 PM   #12
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Re: untitled

hi, ive taken a small break from here because of my own inner thoughts which were controlling my behavior a bit, ive been poking around with my therapist and ive asked lots of questions and raised some concerns, the newest thing ive learned is that my hospital records state i show signs of cluster b personality disorders, and from what i have talked with my therapist about im most positive that it is borderline, and also i see in myself that i show signs of cluster c (antisocial) as well. life continues to be bad, and just the other day i went to a psychiatrist to talk to him about medications, he gave me a sample of latuda, and so far its been a couple of days so i cant say what it feels like, but one of the problems i have is that, i can not feel joy, or happiness, maybe i might feel it for 10 seconds but then its either back to being depressed or not feeling anything at all. and things have also not gotten better with my mother, we dont talk anymore outside of the occasional hi, and i grow more and more paranoid like she is going to kick me out of the house, or if she is doing something behind my back, or if she is very angry at me for some reason.

just a little update, sorry for the length.

 
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