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Old 01-27-2013, 12:55 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: california
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spinningupwards HB User
I need help,but I dont have the resources to get any..it's a downwards spiral

I don't know where to start...I guess I've always had some problems with depression ever since i was a little kid but I never really noticed it.I was told it runs in the family. I grew up without a father because he used to abuse my mom and he threw my brother who was a baby at the time agains't a wall so my mom got a restraining order agains't him.While I was growing up my brother would verbally and phyically abuse me,attacking me,hitting me,throwing stuff at me,chasing me to my room where i had to physically press my body agains't the door to keep him from coming in and beating me up.That went on until he became obsessed with making music and spent hours on end glued to the computer making tracks but even then he still verbally abused me any chance he got. The house was always a mess because my brother never cleaned up after himself and I was always expected to clean it up.I was bullied in middle school but not to a degree that would make me harm myself in any way,just enough to make me self-consious and shy. I coundn't take critisism very well at all by then.Any time a teacher called me out about not doign a home work assignment i would spend maybe the rest of the class period sulking almost to the point of tears because I knew they were dissapointed in me.Even today I am still the same way.I have no confidence and It's making it impossible for me to do anything that constitutes as being an adult. I cried and hid myself away all day yesterday because of a sour job interview.All he said was "I have 5 more people to interview today and I'm only going to hire one" and It was an instant stab in the chest. anyways, After I got into high school things started to change for me.I joined color guard which has become my life,i made tons of new friends,and i felt like i was on top of the world.There was a girl in band,her name is crystal,and we became best-friends,we always did everything together.i could literally spend ever waking moment withthat girl and never get bored of her.It was the best time of my life.i dont think i will ever meet someone who does that to me ever again.Long story short,she was a lesbian and she fell in love with me and I was a little skeptical about ti at first because i had never met someone who was gay before but in no time I actually found myself falling for her myself.I always kind of knew I liked girls even in middle school but I had never met anyone else that brought it out until her.Needless to say,best relationship I have ever had,even though it ended sourly.We are friends now,but for the longest time I hated her with a burning passion for what she had said to me the last day.I still find myself wishing things had gone differently between the two of us because we were perfect together.no one would deny that. By the end of my sophmore year in high school I met a guy,*sigh* he was the one love that just tore me apart.we were together 4 months and he was the first boy I ever was sexually intimate with. in the first month i decided to start taking birth control and right after i started it he left for a month to a military academy boot camp where i had no contact with him what-so-ever exept the 3 letters he was able to send me.The combination of the birth control,him leaving,and my love for him it tore me to shreads.that was an all-time-low for me.i cried 24/7,never did anything with friends and if i did all i could think about was him and then i was choke up in tears again.it was a never ending affair for an entire month.By the time he was back in my arms it was too late.the damage had been done.every time we were together I would cry uncontrollably and I needed him more than he could handle so he broke up with me over a text after avoiding me for 2 weeks. i was a reck for the longest time and I am still suffering from the trama,but not because i still love him or need him,but because it changed me.my mind and emotions are completely unraveled.He was the starting point to my ever decreasing ability to function. during the summer before my senior year I spent alot of time online,talking to strangers,trying to find someone to talk to and I met the man I am with today,after 1 and a half years of knowing him and 1 year and 2 months of being together.He plays guitar and we all know how exciting it is to date those boys.He was also 23 when we met,which was also a plus.He lived in Hollywood with a few other guys in a small,over-priced apartment.after 5 months we decided to start dating and he came down every month or so to see me and those were awesome weeks :) then the last time he came down he got stuck down here because someone stole his computer and purchased songs from itunes which left him with no money in his account so his school dropped him from all his classes and so he wasn't going to get any more funding from the military so he had to move down here with me.Probably the worst decision that we could have made because that is what caused all of the problems we are having right now. my sister let us stay at her house in the random open are by the front door,and all we had for privacy was sum curtains that kept getting pulled down and got in the way.terrible living condition.My sister was arrested for committing fraud and trying to steal thousands of dollars from our grandma,while my grandma was letting them live with her house while they saved up some money for their own place.My grandma never talked to her again,even as she was dying,she refused to see her because of what she did to her.
at any given time there two kids would just come walking in to our little tent thing and start trying to talk to us like it was acceptable.no privacy...we also had to pay 450 a month for "food and stuff like that"which is what my sister told us it was for when in reality they were using it to pay their rent and we bought our own food anyways because she always complained about things being gone that we got sick of it. then one month when we didnt have it on time they flipped out on us because they didnt have enough to pay rent so they had to pawn their expensive tv and there was this huge fight.we almost got kicked out because of it.just for the record,my sister is a cronic liar,she lets her 12 year old daughter date and walk around in public in tightclothes almost falling out shorts and belly top with high wedges and make up caked on her face.she is condoning her to a life where in 2 years she will get pregnant,just like my sister(her mom).her daughter stole alot of food from us and she also stole personal items from me like a pair of underwear which she wore around the house,she used all of my shaving cream and shampoo once until i started taking them out of the bathroom when i was done in there and she also stole a sex toy from my drawer(found it in her dresser drawer while looking for something else that was missing) and her mother did nothing about it except throw it away in the trash.she is a chronic liar just like her mom and she thinks she is themost-perfect person in the world and I cant stand it.she never gets punished but when her brother doesnt run to his fathers aid when he calls he gets cussed out by his father and then grounded for 6 months(not even exaggerating).his father is soo lazy,he goes to work,then comes home and makes his son or my sister or his daughter(rarely) fetch him food,make him coffee,throw his laundry in the wash,wash his bowl or plate or w/e,fetch him something on the dresser 10 feet away from him.1 time he spent 2 straight weeks in his bedroom.never saw him once except when he went to work. So you can see my family is really dysfunctional.

i have no job and im about to be homeless with a cat...i cant afford to go to the doctors for my depression,and even if i get a job i have no money for gas to get there. I am in shambles....i dont have a clue what to do anymore...:( I have also gained over 50 pounds in the past 6 months and i have no energy to do anything,i just want to sleep my life away, i hate myself and because soo many bad things have happened to me I 'm starting to believe that i deserve it and that I'm a bad person and that i'm not worth anything...I have no friends,or family besides my mom, and others which im about to lose...

Last edited by Administrator; 01-27-2013 at 07:54 PM.

 
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