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Old 02-18-2013, 09:40 AM   #1
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Beat Down by the World

Hey all, new to this board.

So I have never been to a psychiatrist, or taken any medications for depression.. But I know I am depressed. I have felt this way my whole life.

My current situation feels pretty bleak. I have dropped out of college in the past because I felt so depressed and anxious. I had no motivation to do my work and would just blow all of it off constantly. I was also working 40 hrs a week at the time so that I could pay rent because my parents did not want to help me pay my rent or tuition (rent was $650 a month. I was making $300 a week). I felt kind of hopeless and dropped out of school so I could work more and be able to eat more (I was losing weight). Now I am back in school, still struggling to pay my tuition because my parents claim me as a dependant (I'm living with my mom). And I can't seem to hold down a job. I wind up exploding on every manager I have in rage. (example: Last manager I had would continually call this girl I worked with a "C U Next Tuesday".. It disgusted me how he could treat an employee like that and I told him he's a poor excuse of a man treating employees that way and <cussed him out> and walked right out the door. I continually work jobs like this (mainly pizza shops) and it's the only thing I really have experience in and feel confident doing.

At home, my mother's a drunk. We never talk because any conversation I have with her usually consists of her scoffing at me. Then when she's drunk she'll scream at me about how pathetic I am, try to start a physical fight with me, then cry and asks me if I hate her. My last girlfriend dumped me (early in our relationship, it's understandable) because she felt threatened over my house. I know I need to move out of this toxic environment, but I do not possess the means to unless I chose to live homeless. My mother is one of the saddest people I know. She is incredibly selfish, stubborn, and narcissistic. She has no sense of compassion or mindfulness. She still gets drunk and abuses pills. Sometimes during her depressed episodes, I expect her to be dead when I'm returning home from work.

My father is just as bad, except he doesn't drink anymore. But he still possesses the negative attitudes and mindsets of the drunk. When I was young, he physically abused me (and no I'm not talking about spankings or the occasional slap in the face).. My father would give me black eyes, ruin my self-esteem by calling me fat (I was a chubby little kid) and call me names when I had acne in my pre-teen years. Any hobby or creative pursuit I had in my life, my father would tell me was a waste of time. He told me to take over his business when he gets old blah blah, but he just doesn't understand that I have no interest in doing that kind of work. He continually urges me to drop out of school and just work. "Schools a waste of time, you're gonna go poor like your mother." (my mother has a lot of student loans)

On top of this all, I am just constantly surrounded by a sea of negative outlook, hate, and close-mindedness. My parents are this way, my friends are this way, my co-workers and bosses are this way. In the end of the day, I feel so isolated and lost. I don't even feel human anymore. Sometimes I think I might just be dead and in hell or something. I certainly do not go through physical torture day in day out, but I go through so much emotional stress in a given day it's ridiculous.

Everyone always talks about these wackos on the news shooting up schools or workplaces, but everyone seems to focus on how messed up that person was psychologically. People don't examine how an individual CAN be pushed that far. I feel as though I can totally understand at this point in my life how a person can feel so isolated, so betrayed, so violated, and just go out for revenge. I think it's utterly wrong and disturbing, but I can see why and how these things happen.

At the end of this month, I will probably resign from my college classes and collect the remaining $1500 I owe as debt and continue working in a pizza shop so that I can pay it off. I will continue living and working in toxic social environments because it is my only current option. Because expectation for a decent quality of life is considered an "entitlement" and working 40 hours a week and going to school is not enough to earn it. I literally feel like I am in hell.

Last edited by Administrator; 02-18-2013 at 04:59 PM.

 
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Old 02-26-2013, 07:03 PM   #2
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Re: Beat Down by the World

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I had a rough childhood too and was abused. I can relate to everything you said. I tried to go to college also, but that didn't quite work out well. Because of my depression, I would forget what i was reading, or downright had no motivation to do it so i said F*** it. My step dad always talked down to me, so now all i do is have negative thoughts constantly. I was really young and would run to my mom for help, but she did nothing. Now that I'm older, I have no self esteem or self value. I too feel like I'm living in hell. I hate my life and everyone in it. I can't hold down a job and make it on my own. I don't have any options. I do see a therapist and on medication, but it doesn't work. I do suggest you at least see a therapist, it's nice having someone to vent to every once in awhile. And they aren't biased.

It's funny you mentioned the shootings. The person that does them seem to always have mental problems. My mom knows I have mental problems and she always tells me she hope I don't turn out like the shooters. Really nice thing to say right? So that tells me right there she thinks im a psycho just because i suffer from depression. Hell maybe I am.

Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you're not the only one suffering. I pray everything works out for you.

 
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Old 03-31-2013, 06:28 PM   #3
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Re: Beat Down by the World

I don't know if you live in a small town or a big city, but I imagine a city would offer you more options.

You write very well, and I am sure you could obtain better employment in a bigger city. I worked as a file clerk and liked it for awhile!

You could rent a room in a house with others for reduced rent and perhaps attend college part time, in order to build skills to apply to a future career.

It seems that living in a bigger city offers more options when one decides the job is not working out, the lodging situation is not working, etc.

My work environment is very negative and even more-so if I allow myself to dwell on it. I'd rather not waste my energy on the losers and focus instead on putting together an plan to get out ASAP.

 
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Old 03-31-2013, 06:44 PM   #4
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Re: Beat Down by the World

Quote:
Originally Posted by R3356 View Post

So I have never been to a psychiatrist, or taken any medications for depression.. But I know I am depressed. I have felt this way my whole life.
Hello R3356 and welcome.

Please consider these options that you posted in your thread.

You owe it to yourself to at least see if you will attain positive results by going down this path.

I believe that you want a better quality of living.

Let's make every effort to see that happen.

Respectfully
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Old 04-02-2013, 11:07 AM   #5
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Re: Beat Down by the World

Quote:
Originally Posted by R3356 View Post
Everyone always talks about these wackos on the news shooting up schools or workplaces, but everyone seems to focus on how messed up that person was psychologically. People don't examine how an individual CAN be pushed that far. I feel as though I can totally understand at this point in my life how a person can feel so isolated, so betrayed, so violated, and just go out for revenge. I think it's utterly wrong and disturbing, but I can see why and how these things happen.
You know what? You are completely right on this point. People tell me that I am the reason I am depressed because I make poor choices, failed college over no motivation (like you), just don't work hard, etc.

Nobody thinks about the fact that I lived half my childhood with just my mom (who was the greatest mom in the world, no sarcasm intended) because my dad was such a deadbeat rolling stone he was tired and had to find a different mountain to roll down. Nobody realizes that with my verbally and mentally abusive stepdad, my mom who is an alcoholic because she cant find the courage to leave him, the fact that I was picked on from day one till the end of school, ALL OF THAT ****...is what makes me depressed. You know, you look into someones eyes and what you can see isn't all of what makes up their person...some people just need to learn that there are things under the iceberg that they cannot see...and not to judge by how they look on the outside. I hate a**holes, cheauvanist pigs (I've lived with them all of my life and I have a shaky relationship with my boyfriend because of it), liars, thieves, and people who can't realize that ones who don't think clearly do it because of a medical reason.
I am one of those people, and honestly sometimes it feels like there is a wall between question and answer that cannot be broken down...and I get labeled stupid, the village idiot, you name it...that is also part of my depression.
So you yourself are not a fault for any of this...its all thanks to the people out there who feel like they are put on the earth to make all the decisions as to who is good and who is not. I hope we can both find a way out.

 
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Old 04-05-2013, 09:04 PM   #6
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Re: Beat Down by the World

I have been on many SSRI antidepressants with varying results for the past fifteen years. I was able to finish college and sustain employment due to the stability that meds provided me. At present I am taking Effexor/venlafaxine which has stabalized my depression.

Depression is a very serious medical condition. I look forward to the day when depression and/or mental health disorders are no longer stigmatized and people are finally aware that depression is treatable and suffering can be significantly alleviated. Advances in modern medicine will continue to improve the treatment of depression.

Without medication I am plagued with a negativity so dark and bleak. I had severe panic attacks and could not hold a job. I wanted to die because I felt so absolutely and horribly hopeless.

Medical treatment for my depression has helped me through the worst five years of my life: my own health challenges; my sons' heroin addictions and subsequent treatments; my father's cancer and failing health; an extremely abusive and negative workplace with coworkers who ostracized me, and Management who bullied me with rumours of layoffs and every other trick in the book intended to catch me off guard, humiliate me, etc., and drive me out of my job and onto the streets, into a depressed job market at nearly 60 years of age. Good LUCK!

I truly believe that the medical care I received for my depression enabled me to endure it all and continues to help me maintain a rationality about what is going on around me. Without medication, I always thought that the bad things that happened were MY FAULT, because I was not SMART ENOUGH, good enough, educated enough, etc. Now I know that there are truly people in this world who intentionally will try and trip you up, who conspire and really do want what is mine. NO LONGER do I run away in fear of the bullies. I was once so easily caught up in their drama. But not anymore. My life is MINE and I have earned the right to be free from their drama and the bad choices they make for themselves. No longer do I feel the need to suffer with them; to 'help' them; to feel sad for them. Their choices are their own. Their path is not my path.

Perhaps I have sacrificed some of my 'creativity' by resorting to medication, but if I did, I know that I gained independence, autonomy, and the presence of mind to maintain hope and stability for myself and my sons during the worst times of our lives.

 
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