Need your advice.
New to the boards here. I'm not sure if this is to vent or ask for help, or both, but I need to do this. Let me get my thoughts in order so I can get to what I need to ask.
Easy stuff first. Diagnosed at 20 (24 now) with severe clinical depression, an extremely high I.Q., and severe ADHD-1 Primarily Inattentive. Was born with mild Cerebral Palsy, but that's neither here nor there.
This part isn't for pity, but here's what's happened in the last year:
My Dad died from a blood clot in his leg reaching his heart while working out after a 17 hour flight. It's messed me up a bit. I think it's mostly been from coming into the hospital and seeing him dead on the emergency bed, with the respirator still sticking out of his throat, and then after going to close his eyes since nobody had done it yet, they had opened again. Every single time I close my eyes, even now, they're opening. It'll play no matter what I'm doing. Oh! I also had the most awful attack that morning at work, just before he died. Well, during his death I guess. I came into the back room of the retail store I was working at, took a few steps, and doubled over in agony. Utter agony. It was like my whole being was folding in on itself. It's the best I can describe it. It lasted from 9-9:17 a.m. I know because I checked the time on the phone as I went through the door, and after the pain passed. At 9:19 the phone rang--my brother was calling to tell me Dad had died.
He was an insane man. Popular. Powerful. Literally a man almost everyone we knew looked up to, and came to with their problems. He always had a useful solution. 500 people came to his funeral. His work literally can't find a single person to replace him. It's one of the reasons he was so high up I guess.
I didn't really know the guy. He was always busy. I would get to see him 1 or 2 days a month, and we would get to have dinner every once in a while. We were more friends than what I've seen other Father/Son relationships to be. I did love him though.
I've never been close to my parents. They both pretty much treated my like a freak growing up. I spent almost the entirety of my life, outside of school, in my bedroom so I wasn't a nuisance. Anyway--my girlfriend and I ended up moving back into my parent's place to look after my mum. We've moved from California to Washington, so mum doesn't lose money to taxes, and can live a bit more cheaply. She's never really going to have to worry about that though. She's constantly been telling me how I'm going to inherit *this* property soon. She bought us a house next to her's and we pay little rent in exchange for looking after the property while she's out of the country. She's been a smoker for most of her life and relapsed hard into alcohol and excessive smoking. She's done enough damage to her already frail body for her decline to speed up. She knows it.
As I've said I have CP. I was working at the same retail chain, after the move--but had to quit a few days ago. My body is breaking down quickly from the excessive wear of the job. 9 months ago, the left side of my ribs blew out lifting a box and I couldn't work for about a month. I got hurt on the job, but they officially claimed it to be cp-related. Doctor's couldn't figure it out. It's better, but not fixed. That side is messed up. A couple of months ago, I slipped and fell down the stairs--landing on the same part of my spine with each stair. I've just been able to start walking properly, but I can't lift much very often right now--hence not being able to lift 100lb weight bags, as well as being on my feet all day. Only thing I could do was work, get home, and collapse until the next day.
Anyway, I've started to feel unreal again. It happened when I was twenty, and on antidepression medication--Paxil (I can't remember--my memory is awful) , as well as a mild anti-psychotic to stop that unreal feeling. It's been months in this new city and I haven't been able to make friends here. My girlfriend is struggling due to a job drastically underwhelming compared to what she had offered. I've got enough savings to look for something part time that will help pay the bills. I'm a college dropout and it drives me nuts. I've tried three times. I can't handle how slow classrooms are. How inane the questions get over and over and over again. I tune out after a few seconds. I got lucky, before my last drop out, and was allowed to teach myself calculas. I covered that semester's work in four days.
I just need to find a way to be happy here, and do what makes me happy--but nothing I've done in months has done that.
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