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Old 03-18-2013, 05:54 AM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Question How to Get Spouse to Understand

I'm new here and need some help in regards to my spouse.

I've been dealing with depression for years. I started taking meds when I found out I couldn't have kids and needed many, many surgeries. My female health has never been a picnic, but throughout it, I managed to keep my emotions in check. I have a spouse who doesn't know how to be supportive and thinks I'm using my constant health issues and my depression as an excuse not to do things.

He's never bought a book or did research on depression to figure out how to help me...I always have to ask for help and I'm sick of it. Living with a spouse who doesn't notice anything (new haircut, cleaned garage, changed flat tire on a trailer, shoveled the driveway etc...) is hard enough, but throw depression into the mix and it's like gas on a flame. I think years of suppressing my feelings made me loose it this weekend, because I haven't spoken to him since Saturday after a stupid argument. Instead of him trying to figure out what was wrong, he became confrontational.

I used to be a romantic person but he sucked all that out of me with his lack of caring, so birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries go uncelebrated. I feel like I've given up so much of who I am to him that I don't even know what I'm supposed to be anymore. I tried to convince myself and everyone I know that I'm OK with my depression, but I'm not. I don't have any friends as I've moved two years ago and my family live 6 hours away. I don't know what to do anymore. I give and give and have nothing left.

My husband is too logical and not very emotional and as depression is an illness that affects your emotions, how do I talk to him. How do I ask for help without pointing the finger at him? Any help from men would be appreciated because I clearly don't know how you guys tick.

 
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Old 03-25-2013, 08:00 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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mintlady HB User
Re: How to Get Spouse to Understand

You want help from him but it sounds like he has proven himself to be a spouse incapable of offering help. It doesn't sound like he ever goes out of his way for you... but I'm just getting this from what you wrote, I don't know what your life is like for real. But I just want to say, it sounds like you want to change him in some way, but the truth is that we can't change people. They are who they are. The only thing you can change is yourself. And it sounds like you are tired of dealing with his behavior. It really sounds like he isn't meeting any of your emotional needs... and hasn't been for quite some time.

Maybe I'm 100% off about all that. I don't know. But I think you really should find a therapist. You need to talk to someone who can get to know your life and help you figure out where to go from here.

EDIT: I just read this on another site, you might want to check it out: http://thehairpin.com/2013/03/depression-mothers-in-law-friendzoning#more

The quote I specifically think applies to you: "First of all, never let him (or anyone) use the word "logical" to try to convince you that their emotional reality matters more than yours. That's just ********."

Last edited by mintlady; 03-25-2013 at 08:07 AM. Reason: Wanted to add sometime

 
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