Hi, I'm new here. I'm no stranger to depression but the "bout" I'm in now is, I believe, going to be the end of me. I can't think, can't sleep, have to force myself to do even the most basic of tasks. Even typing this message is exhausting.
I start a new job on Monday, and I have NO CLUE how I'll be able to function at it. Not a clue. I need this job or I'll be out of money in a month.
In addition, I hurt my arm in January and was prescribed Vicodin 3x/day. I've been weaning myself off slowly for a couple weeks now but I think I'm in withdrawal which is only adding to the depression.
I've been to various psychiatrists/psychologists since 2002 when I had my first bout of depression, and have been on countless different anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, etc. None have ever helped one bit - just nasty side effects. Medication doesn't seem to be the route for me.
I am so lonely and despairing. I watch the world going on around me and want so badly to part of it. I want a life. I want to function again.
I'm crippled and losing my mind. The anguish is unreal, the worst it's ever been. I'm terrified of starting this new job on Monday but I can't not work. I've fantasized about checking myself into a mental hospital but can't bring myself to do it.
I know there are no easy answers but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Can anybody help me? Keeping in mind therapy/meds have never helped me before, what should I do? Is there anything I CAN do?
Thanks in advance.
Last edited by mrcpa; 03-29-2013 at 10:26 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to mrcpa: Phoenix (03-31-2013)
I have used antidepressants, extremely reluctantly, I might add, since 1998-- 15 years-- with mixed results, but due to the financial stresses in my life, my work, various health issues, etc., I function better with antidepressants than without. Some have worked much better than others. They all have stopped being effective after some time, so then I switch to another. I have been able to finish college, stabalize my employment, and endeavor to improve my sleep hygeine, my diet, and generally become more conscientious of taking care of myself which included learning that I am only responsible for myself and my own happiness and health-- that I cannot change or control anyone except myself. My life is far from ideal. But I have the freedom, independence, and autonomy I have always wanted. When I was younger and more fit, Yoga was very helpful. Later, walking and vigorous exercise was somewhat effective. I guess there is no 'silver bullet', but a combination of strategies. Before antidepressants I was extremely anxious -- panicky about my future and spent a lot of time awfulizing the future and what I imagined was ahead of me. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, etc. (web search, or find the books at your library) helps me identify the errors I make in my thinking. Thoughts can create real symptoms. When I am in an absolute panic, such as when I am going through really really tough times, my doctor has prescribed sedatives to be used responsibly and extremely short-term during those times when I feel things spinning out of control.
Thank you Phoenix. At the urging of a few family members, I've made arrangements to get involved in an Outpatient Treatment program at a local Psychiatric facility. The program will begin this Friday (after an initial evaluation on Thursday) and I'll attend Monday through Friday 9am - 3pm each day.
I'm hoping this will help me to a great extent, but there is still the financial fear. How can I work if I'll be at a facility each day? Not to mention my diminishing mental capacity. I'm not starting the job I was supposed to start today - why start only to have to quit to attend a treatment facility each day? The program is covered by my insurance (which I pay for) but otherwise I'm terrified of the prospect of running out of money.
Yesterday I felt somewhat of a glimmer of hope. Today I'm back to utter despair. I'm no stranger to depression but I never thought it could be this intense. The pain is unreal. I never thought it would come to this.
Thank you again Phoenix. I think you're right. As badly as I need work - well, money - I am in no shape to start a new position. I know that the program I'm about to enter into is what I need to do, but I'm so scared. Not just about the program, but life in general. Terror. Will I ever get my life back? I used to be a strong person.
I know that the program I'm about to enter into is what I need to do, but I'm so scared. Not just about the program, but life in general. Terror. Will I ever get my life back? I used to be a strong person.
Look at it as entering into another phase of your life.
nothing stays the same forever and in order for progress to be made,one must take the necessary steps in order to facilitate the process.............
Programs get real,then interesting(if you're committed to the cause) and then really interesting.
You can recapture certain aspects of your life but know that as you evolve,your interests may change also.
That strong person is somewhere underneath all the rubble that represents certain issues that need to be addressed.
As you begin to unburden yourself,you'll see what I mean.
Know that nothing happens overnight though.....even Rome wasn't built in a day.
I think you really need to admit yourself in a mental institution for better stability. You don't have to be scare and it is a good thing you want to help yourself and that would be a big help for a faster recovery.
Hi Trish, thank you. I fully intend to do the Outpatient Therapy starting later this week. I won't live at the facility but I will be there every day from 9am-3pm.
I know that this treatment will help me, and also know that it won't happen overnight. It seems like I keep repeating myself, but my fear is that by the time I complete therapy (I don't yet know how long it will last), my monetary savings will be depleted... my mental state may be better but being destitute terrifies me. Maybe the facility can help me in finding some kind of short-term disability payments since I can't work, at least not now. I don't know how these things work.
I'm driving myself even more crazy by worrying about this, it consumes me. Perhaps I should focus on getting better first and worry about the money part later?
Today I'm meeting with a lawyer about Social Security Disability benefits. Since I'll be in this program 5 days a week, I won't have the time to work even if I could. I applied for SSD last October and was denied (stupidly I didn't appeal), but I guess the circumstances are different this time.
I'm about to get intense help. Maybe through this program I'll come out stronger than ever. But for some reason, I don't feel any hope whatsoever. I just still feel indescribable fear and mental anguish and I feel like my mind is slipping away. I'm scared of everything. I really feel crippled. I guess I'm just venting here. Why can't I feel some hope?
One thing I never mentioned before is that I have an 18 year old son who is a senior in high school. He doesn't live with me, I only see him him every other weekend. I haven't told him about any of this. I'm not sure if I should or how.
I think back to 7-8 years ago. I was feeling content with life. I felt like I was on the right track. I had a good job and things were generally good. I just can't believe I've fallen apart so completely.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: mrcpa calico55 (04-05-2013), Phoenix (04-03-2013)
Depression is a very, very serious medical condition, and I am so happy you are taking steps to get treatment. Many who suffer with depression and/or other serious mental health conditions haven't access to proper treatment and/or medication, and often use illegal drugs and/or alcohol to self-medicate. And many who DO have access to medical care choose to NOT seek treatment because of stigma and ignorance that persists with regard to mental health. I believe treatment saves lives. Congratulations, and endeavor to persevere :-)
Thank you Calico. I started the program yesterday and will be in it until April 18. It's too early to say that it's helped me. I felt very surreal yesterday. I didn't feel comforted, I felt very uncomfortable. I felt very out of place. Am I really this ill? It seems like I can feel my mind slipping away.
Even if at the end of the program I feel mentally better, I still have no idea what I'm going to do for work/money. I fear I'm going to lose my apartment and all my belongings. Everything is uncertain right now and I can't deal with it. The Vicodin that I mentioned in the first post on this thread is still a huge concern to me. I mentioned this in therapy yesterday but not much attention was given to it.
I just don't know how I'm going to get through this and life in general. I feel like my mind is gone. Sorry if I'm sounding like a broken record here.