How to help someone who doesn't want it? - Diabetes Message Board

sarez72 · 10-01-2003, 11:21 PM

Hi guys

My dad is a type2 diabetic...he's verging on obese, and for lack of a better term, he's an alcoholic. Not a pretty combination.

Anyway, I thought being diagnosed with diabetes might spur him into some action to do something about his weight and drinking problems. It's safe to say I was wrong. He tried for a week to cut his drinking down, but now he's back to at least 1 bottle of red per night. He doesn't seem interested/scared enough to stop drinking or to start an excercise program.

He may be ready to give up, but I'm not. I am willing to do anything within my powers to get him back on track. I know all too well that you can't help someone until they decide to help themselves, but I'm afraid I can't just sit back and watch him deteriorate.

Unfortunately I think I might intimidate him in terms of health - I'm super health conscious and spend a lot of time excercising, so he probably sees the gap between his level and mine as just 'too hard' to bridge at all. I wish I knew how to reassure/encourage him without patronising him...especially hard considering I'm his daughter and (in his eyes), he's meant to be guiding me through the tough spots! When it comes to accepting help from others, he's very stubborn!

So I guess I'm just after some advice...anything! If any of you have ideas, I would be so appreciative.

I wake up every morning and check in on my dad just to make sure he's still breathing...it's no way to live

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Don't believe everything you know

SharonLee · 10-02-2003, 06:33 AM

I know I,m not going to be much help, but whay can you do with someone who won,t take care of themselves? As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can,t make him drink. The first problem is with his alcohol, can you get him to AA? That does have to be conquered first. I sympathize with your concern for him, it can,t be easy watching him destroy himself when he can live a longer, healthier life if he takes care of himself. Would he read literature about the horrible complications of diabetes if left out of control, and also the effects of too much alcohol on the liver? If he doesn,t want to help himself I,m afraid you have an uphill battle.

MikelBear · 10-02-2003, 08:48 PM

Unfortunately, until your father takes personal ownership of his disease, there is no help, guidance or support you can give him that he will take. He needs to go through a specific process of emotional adjustment in order to get to this stage and begin to deal with his diabetes in a proactive and constructive manner. The steps to this grieving process are as follows:

1--Denial and isolation: “No, not me. It cannot be true.” Refusal to accept the reality of it.
2--Anger: When denial can no longer be maintained, it is replaced by anger, rage, envy, and resentment . “Life is not fair!” “Why me?” One feels a loss of control.
3--Bargaining: “If you’ll just let me...” Making deals with oneself.
4--Depression: “What difference does anything make anyway?” Rage and anger are displaced with sense of loss.
5--Acceptance: Dealing with the condition as a task of daily living, accepting its requirements and limitations, and reaching a state of thankfulness at being able to cope and regain mental and physical health.

Until your father does the hard emotional work of moving through these stages, finally ending up in acceptance, there is nothing you can offer him that he will accept.

Michael
Type 1 since 1965

SamQKitty · 10-03-2003, 10:04 PM

If your Dad is an alcoholic (and it does sound as if this may be the case), then everything Mikelbear says also applies to his alcoholism.

Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? Alanon is for the families of alcoholics, to help them deal with their own feelings about trying to help the family member who refuses to help himself. It might be very helpful to you to meet other people who are dealing with these same issues in life.

[This message has been edited by SamQKitty (edited 10-04-2003).]

camachinist · 10-05-2003, 11:08 AM

I am willing to do anything within my powers to get him back on track. I know all too well that you can't help someone until they decide to help themselves, but I'm afraid I can't just sit back and watch him deteriorate

Parents rarely listen to their children in matters such as these, even when their children are adult and credentialed. Perhaps you could enlist the help of his best male friend.

As others have mentioned, he needs to own his problem/disease before moving to treatment and recovery. Stick with it; he'll get there.

Pat