Yesterday I feel like I ate so much:
Breakfast- a lot of cereal with lowfat cottage cheese and banana
Lunch-Apple, Big turkey sandwich on wheat bread with sweet n sour dressing
Dinner/Snacks- 1 and 1/2 graham crackers, 4 tbs "better'n peanut butter" and 1 tbs jam dipped in cereal, 2 rye krisp crackers with vegi cheese and some turkey, 7 mini rice cakes, honey sesame cashews, 4 gummy worms and a regular frozen yogurt
So today I have been compensating and I am feeling really tired/cranky, but I know that if I don't do this, I will get fat.
This morning I woke up before work (6am) and went to the gym and ran 6 miles. I then had a coffee with some nf milk in it and for lunch I had a bowl of lentil soup and an apple. I've also had a few peanuts today. I'm trying to hold off until dinner (we are having a big bbq at my house), but I'm really hungry. Why can't I just eat normally all the time so that i don't have to do this.........
Sorry to hear you are having a ruff time with this. I am also recovering from an ED (I think) and it is sooooooooooo hard. Some days are great and others are no good. Hang in there you are NOT going to get fat and you are doing GREAT
BTW the "better than butter" is oh so yummy right. I think that is the one that i love. 2.5 g of fat for like 2 tbsp right?? Ok well stay strong and have a wonderful time at your BBQ, try and relax and have some fun, instead of worrying about how much you may or may not eat.
You are not alone and you can beat this
Good Luck
-Jade
Thanks so much, Jade.
Yes, the better'n peanut butter has 2.5g of fat and, although it doesn't taste exactly like real peanut butter, it's pretty good!
Tonight at our BBQ I got really full and I'm feeling sort of bad about it right now. But I'm TRYING not to think about it. If I eat "normally" and exercise, will I be able to maintain my weight, even if I am thin? Tonight I had salad with lowcal dressing, avocado and tomatoe, a little potatoe salad type of thing, and a lean filet mignon steak. Before dinner I had some pita chips, veggies with ff dip and maybe a few other appetizers. For dessert I had a few bites of the inside of peach pie and some berries with fat free whipped cream.....
LS....you did not eat alot yesterday at all!!! I eat ALOT more than that and weigh 100 lbs! And with the exercise you do to top it off you are NOT going to gain weight. Relax girl! You eat really healthy and get plenty of exercise...you should be eating twice what you ate yesterday! I know it's really hard and you have all of these little voices telling you how fat you're going to get if you eat like that...I have them too...but IGNORE them! It's just your ED talking and it LIES! Just listen to your body. Eat when you're hungry and what you're hungry for. Trust your body, it knows what it needs. Take care!
Piscean is right on LS!!! You can do it and you honestly are doing great. This is so hard. I am at a low weight for me right now as well. I can't even post what I ate b/c i know it is no good and not nearly enough for me to be in recovery and I am to embarrassed!!! I have been doing OK but I still eat like a person with an ED. Lots of FF stuff and small portions, it is so tuff to get past these things. I have ate like this for so long and bad habits are as you both know very well "HARD TO BREAK"
I follow both of your posts and I think you gals are doing wonderful!! Keep it up and keep posting I will be reading
You are both very encouraging. It's weird b/c I am not too thin (according to my standards at least) but some of my friends think I still am. I eat SO much, though, and even though everyone tells me this is normal, I don't believe it. I've noticed that I mostly feel bad when I eat alone, when I eat a lot, and it is usually sweets. With exercising and compensating, I haven't gained too much weight, but I know that I have gained some. If I let go and just eat normally (and perhaps exercise less) I fear I will gain a ton of weight. I'm trying to ignore these thoughts, but they are so overwhelming!
This morning I ran 5 miles (which usually isn't THAT hard for me, but it felt very difficult today..probably b/c I hadn't eaten yet) then I had a large banana and a nonfat latte. When I got home a little while later I had some turkey and an apple with lowfat cottage cheese. Trying to eat healthy and light today. Big weekend with a lot of eating and drinking coming up!!
You really dont eat 'so much' like you say! Even on your days of 'overeating' as you say, they are no where near what a normal person would consider a LOT. Sure they may be a lot of little quantities or snacks, but altogether I doubt there has been one day where you exceeded eating like 2400 Cals. Based on the last weight/height you posted on the board, you still are too thin for your height. People (especially with eating problems) often have disordered views of themselves, so for you to base your views on what you see isn't necessarily healthy. Your friends especially will tell you the truth, and on paper, your bmi still says youre underweight. (Do you get regular periods?)
In addition, I don't think you should eat light before you go away. This is because even if you dont overeat on the wknd, ou will convince yourself you did, and you will restrict after you get home regardless of the restricting you did now. Basically, you will end up causing a deficit and you will end up losing weight..which I know you would like to see happen, but it isn't exactly going to make you healthier. Remember your goal- to be healthy physically and mentally, which means eating normally and trying to see yourself truthfully.
I can definitely see myself restricting after this weekend (because I will feel guilty about all the eating and drinking I will have been doing), so I guess you're right that I shouldn't restrict BEFOREhand, but I can't really help it. I'm not doing so badly though. Today I ate a banana and nonfat latte for bfst like I said, then an apple with turkey and cottage cheese for lunch, some pita chips, 10 reeses pieces, and grapes as a snack, and a big chicken salad for dinner with bell peppers, hearts of palm, tomatoes, onions, corn, and fat free dressing. I think I'll have some frozen yogurt for dessert.
I guess I still just have a skewed perspective of what "normal" is. And I don't see how I can be "normal" without being fat and gross. But I guess that's just my head being stupid.
How much could I eat on a normal day, do you think, and not gain weight? I'm pretty active (try to run almost everyday) and have a normal metabolism. If I count my calories and I've eaten over 2000, I feel I've overeaten. Is that legitimate??
Over 2000 isn't too much. Given your height and your activity level, I would almost suggest closer to 2400 as your daily requirement. This is based on what I eat, and I am 5'6 and 118 lbs and not very active at all. Everyone is different of course, so it depends on YOU, but I would say that eating over 2000 is NOT overeating at all. If you said eating over 3000..well..then maybe you'd be on to something :P
Just a question, but why do you insist on fat free dressing and non fat lattes?
I think I'd gain weight eating close to 2400 calories a day. I am 6' and weigh around 137...I want to maintain my weight. How many calories and how much exercise do you think I need?
Of course, I feel bad about today (again). I think it's because I drank last night and just felt like eating junk all day...
Breakfast: Bagel with light cream cheese and tomatoes, Nonfat Latte, slivered almonds and raisins
Snack: Sugar free chocolate pudding with fat free whipped cream, 2 graham crackers, some chocolate covered almonds, 2 fat free kraft singles
Dinner: Big salad with some chicken, hearts of palm, bell peppers, tomatoes, corn, lima beans, olives, beets
Dessert: Frozen yogurt
I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with your eating habits. I have recovered from anexoria, then bulemia, and I still have some trouble with my eating, but I've learned that you have to let things go when you think you've made a bad choice with your food.
The one thing that helps me the most is making sure I get 9 fruits and veggies in every day!! A big salad usually helps me with that. And I snack on fruit to prevent binging at a meal!
Good luck!
LS! I eat around 2400-2500 Calories a day, am 5'6 and 120 lbs, and i DO NOT EXERCISE. That means that I don't belong to a gym or go for runs or anything. The most exercise I would get in a day would be going shopping because I walk more. I am NOT gaining weight. I am like 6 inches shorter than you (sorry I don't know imperial units) and I'm eating about 500 Calories more than you- something tells me that you need to eat more (as everyone else has suggested many times!). If you look at your diet, think about if someone else posted it, would you assume they were maintaining or still dieting? You seem to have a LOT of light or fat free things, lots of salads and veggies, and not very much overall! It seems like you rarely hit 2000 Cals a day, even on your overeating days (where you really havent overeaten at ALL). You should be exercising because you love it or it makes you healthier- NOT TO BURN CALORIES! As it is you are quite thin for your height and you exercise quite a bit. I highly doubt that on a 2400 Cal diet, you would gain weight. Try to avoid the fat free stuff for a first step. You need some fat in your day, and you aren't dieting!
Remember also Ls, that since you are taller, you may require more calories than 2000. Girly DID mention like 2400 calories or so. BTW, you guys make me feel fat,lol. I'm not sure what your maintence is, but one who is 5ft8 per say will require MORE calories than someone who is 5ft1. I'm sure you know this, but like I said a other times Ls, your diet looks really good, and you really COULD eat more without gaining I'm sure.
Girlygirl-I think you must have a fast metabolism compared to me. I don't think even I could maintain my weight eating 2400 calories a day and not exercising.
I think my biggest concern is the feeling of binging. I HATE that feeling of being overly full, even if it is not a "binge" in everyone else's eyes.
As long as I eat healthy and eat solid meals, I feel fine. It's just when I indulge that I feel really bad...
LS, why would you feel guilty if you indulge? Everyone needs to indulge sometime! Heck, I have had ice cream twice today, and I dont even feel guilty because I enjoyed it! Don't over analyze so much!
I definately don't have a fast metabolism! You definately CAN maintain on 2400 Calories- your mind is the ONLY thing stopping you. You need to accept and realize that you hardly EVER overeat, let alone binge. We will tell you if, on the very rare occasion, you DO eat a lot. You need to realize that you will drive yourself crazy with these constant worries. Accept that if you THINK you've overeaten, you probably have not, and you do not have to worry. Try to eliminate those bad feelings that are causing you to constantly worry about it. This isn't just for your own sake, but for everyone elses..think about your friends and how it must be hard for them to enjoy a night out with you if you are always worrying about eating and food and eating too much and exercise and all that stuff! It can't exactly be their idea of a good time! You are VERY thin still and you don't overeat (ever!)...try to fill your days with positive affirmations rather than negative thoughts and worries that bring you down!
Girlygirl is right on LS!! Lately I have just let go of all of my "rules" when it comes to eating and exercise and you know what? I've never felt better!! I'm so much happier and I just feel free! And I'm learning how to accept my body regardless of it's flaws and so far I'm doing good with that too. I feel sexy and attractive. And you know these past 2 days I've ate at buffet places twice and as I ate I was constantly looking around and watching other people eat and seeing what they were eating and how much. Of course I thought I was eating ALOT but everyone around me was eating probably 3X what I was. That taught me right there that I do not eat alot even though I think I do and you don't either! According to your menus that you've posted I eat alot more than you and I still don't eat as much as "normal" people. For an example I was watching this Aisian girl last night at this chinese buffet place we went to. She was teeny tiny...even smaller than me and she went back 3-4 times and got HUGE heaping platefuls of food! I had 2 small plates and a small dish of ice cream and was stuffed! She was still eating when we left so it's hard to say how much she actually did eat. My point is our thinking is so distorted still because of the ED's and it may seem like to us that we are "pigging out" but in reality we are still eating alot less than what is considered "normal". I know I've been eating well over 2000 cals a day...I haven't been counting though. And I'm only 5'1" and a little over 100 lbs. If I can handle it so can you! I have cookouts to go to tonight and tomorrow night for the 4th and normally I would be freaking out about it but I'm not at all. I'm excited and I can't wait to dig in to all of the good food. And you know something else I've noticed...now that I'm eating normally and eating what I want, when I want I don't crave things like I used to and I'm not constantly hungry. I don't binge either because I know I can have more later if something is really good. It's like food isn't everything anymore. It used to be all I thought about but now it's just nourishment and sometimes just for enjoyment. Girl, you need to just loosen up!! That is what we are all trying to tell you! Let go of the fear and just live life! I know it's easier said than done but you do want to get better right? So start today! Get rid of your "rules" and listen to your body. Eat when you're hungry, what you're hungry for and until you're full. Exercise in moderation and do exercises you enjoy. I walk and do yoga because I love to do both. I really want to see you get better. We all do, ok? Take care and hang in there ok? (((HUGS)))
Same thing with me Piscean! I literally just snapped out of my complusive calorie counting like two days ago and I have never felt better! It feels good not to be so wrapped up with food or calories! I feel great, look great and just couldnt be happier. Its weird because I never thought I could jus snap out of my calorie counting, but I did, so easily its almost strange! Our bodies deserve a lot more respect, we are too harsh on them!
Reading that made me wish SO much that I could be that free with myself!! I had an eating disorder in high school that I recovered from and I remember that feeling of freedom when I finally stopped caring and became "healthy." Somehow it snuck back up on me in college, and now I'm just fighting the tail end of it.
I have loosened up a lot and I'm definitely not as careful as I used to be, but there is still that anxiety there. It's like as soon as I let the reins go a little bit, I get this little spark inside of me that says "wait, you're eating just as much as so-and-so and you're going to gain weight!" - this happens even if I'm not overeating!
What I need to realize is that you're right - if I eat what I want and I eat until I'm full, my body will maintain a healthy weight, but for some reason I don't trust it to itself.
I was so tired after this weekend from partying and staying out late, but I hadn't exercised for a coulpe of days so I woke up at 5:45am to go running before work (5miles). It's things like that that I want to ease up on. Like, why couldn't I just wait one more day to exercise so I could have slept more or just exercised later on? It's becasue I become extremely anxious and edgy if I feel fat or if I haven't exercised. I hate it...
Anyway, I am definitely working on becoming more lenient, but I don't know if I can let go any more than I already have. I went to starbux with my dad this morning and he got a muffin with his latte - i wish i could just get one, too, but i just think about all the fat and calories in muffins and scones and opt for my apple and banana instead. I wish I could go grab chinese food with my brother and not worry about how high cal it is, but I can't. It's like I can't just NOT think about it at all. And that's not to say that I don't eat chinese food, or I don't eat chocolate, or anything else, but it's just the fact that I THINK about it that bothers me. And the fact that the next day I'm still thinking about it and will probably compensate. I just wish I could trust myself more and just relax...It's stressful to worry about this all the time.....
It's good that you are working on it, but don't give up yet. Keep looking at it like you WILL be completely free one day, because the more you believe it the more it will happen. It comes slowly, and you NEEED to keep working. It's hard, we understand, but you cannot give up and say you cant. Keep 'scaring' yourself, and testwhat happens. Next time you feel you need to get up at some ungodly hour to go running, try sleeping longer, and see what happens with your weight. If you need to, depend on the scale for a bit. Just keep in mind your weight NATURALLY fluctuates up to like 5 lbs from day to day, so I would suggest every few days to a week to weigh yourself. You will see that NOTHING happens if you sleep a little bit longer. Not only that, but that extra exercise over sleep has been proven to be less helpful in maintaining a healthy weight- sleep is essential! Please try to keep 'scaring' yourself because it will slowly become easier, until you can go out for chinese and ice cream and stuff. (Ps. chinese food is probably the 'best' fast food there is! not only that, but you CAN have a scone or a muffin and not worry..you still undereat like crazy anyways!)
