I am so confused about what I SHOULD do, what I AM doing, and what I WANT to do!!!!
I've posted before about this, but in case you don't remember me I am 6', 125lbs and extremely confused....
Jonistyle - How is everything going with your weight gain? I just read the post about your stomach ache - I'm sorry! That's horrible. Have you figured it out?
Well, I'm currently still in the same exact situation I was in a couple of weeks ago. I KNOW I should gain weight and I've had numerous ppl express concern, but I still can't. It's like I WANT to, but I don't want to. There are two different voices arguing about it in my head!
I just went on a trip with one of my friends and her parents and I felt like I ate very minimally (b/c we were constantly on the go and didn't even have time to snack or overeat - which I loved) and we just got back yesterday.
So here is what is bothering me about yesterday: For breakfast I had a GREEN APPLE and some COFFEE with milk. Then for lunch I had a SALAD with turkey, beet root, tomato, cucumber, carrots, lettuce, pumpkin, and dressing on the side. Then as a snack I had DRIED MANGO and an ORANGE....and later on 2 slices of lowfat CHEESE and some ALMONDS. We went out for drinks and dinner and I ended up having some BRUSCHETTA, a calamari ring, and a little bit of the top of some PIZZA. I guess after drinking (and not really eating THAT much) I was hungry when I got home so I went crazy on teh peanut butter again - I HATE WHEN I DO THAT!!! I was eating it plain and putting it on rice cakes with Jam. Now I feel just awful adn disgusting and don't want to even eat today. I hate that I feel this way and its CHRISTMAS and I should be joyous and happy...I just hate it.
Anyway, I just need some reassurance or advice...this is the hardest position I've ever had to be in.
One minute I look in the mirror and see my chest bones sticking out and know that I need to gain weight to look healthy, and the next minute I'm skipping lunch...why the discordance!?!?
LS, you really, really need to get help. Your weight is dropping gradually and you are severely underweight by any standard. It is not healthy and it is even dangerous. Your mind is not in any state of health either, and you really need to question what you are doing and seek help NOW. Youve been posting for quite some time now on these boards and you don't seem to be changing your habits in the other direction (getting healthier)..things are just getting worse. You need to see that you cannot wait for any better time to get help..no other 'landmakr' in your life should be your focus. I really think that you ened to put aside any excuses or other things that youve said to yourself to prevent you from doign so and you really just need to get help now..
Girlygirl-
Thanks for your quick (and honest) response.
I'm concerned, too, but not enough to think I need professional help, I guess. Some other things I do that I was thinking about today that probably aren't normal are: 1) pretend to leave food out as if I've eaten it (for example, cereal box out, peanut butter jar out) so that my roommates will think I've eaten more than I have, 2) exaggerate how much I've eaten when talking about how gross I feel after eating.
I think I'm just so confused as to what "normal" actually is at this point. I talked to my friend about how gross and full I felt after eating something the other day and she said "you probably just aren't used to being normally full and you confuse that with being OVERLY full," but could that be true? Could I think that the normal feeling after you eat is actually a GROSS feeling, even though it should be normal?
I felt really gross about eating that peanut butter last night when I got home last night, so until dinner I just had: a green apple, 2 slices lowfat cheese, and 4 wheat crackers. For dinner I had lowfat cottage cheese, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and a chicken breast. I think I might have some frozen yogurt for dessert, but I feel like that might be going overboard....
I think you're right about putting aside excuses, though. I keep waiting for things to happen and I need to just realize that I need to take action, I guess. But every time I think that, I just let the guilt overtake me and resort back to my "bad" habits....
PS- what is a good breakfast that you could recommend to me?
Unfortunately, you are seeking rational answers while viewing food and your intake of it in an irrational way. There is no way for you to reconcile this dichotomy. That's why another person is required to help get your VIEW and the REALITY of your situation on the same track.
A good breakfast is two eggs, a small amount of meat, and some toast or potato and a beverage you like...coffee, tea, milk.
Peanut butter IS a high fat food and if you want to view it as gross, there's nothing wrong with that. I view it the same way...the way I view bacon.
The proper way to deal with a food you consider gross is to never buy it again. Why not try that route. To buy it, eat it, and then angst over it is in the realm of neurosis.
You cannot eat enough to gain weight until such time as you WANT to gain weight. Until that shift is made in your head, you will spin your wheels; that's where a trained professional comes in.
Ask yourself HONESTLY, "Do you WANT to weigh 135, or 145?"
Lenin- I know that tactic sounds really easy (not to buy something you know you will feel "gross" from eating), but living with three other people makes that really hard. And also, peanut butter is something that I honestly consider a healthy, necessary food, but I just feel so awful after I eat it! I think I just have this stigma in my head that says it is high fat, high cal, and therefore, horrible!
What I am most afraid of is that I will not consciously make the decision to gain weight- that it will just happen out of nowhere. I think that's what scares me when I overeat or eat something "bad." Even though I know it is unrealistic that I will wake up one morning and be 10 lbs heavier, I actually think that might happen.
And as of right now, looking at my diet and what I eat, I don't think I'm unhealthy. I consider myself an extremely healthy eater and an adequate eater, but obviously something isn't balancing out if I am underweight (or at least very thin).
Even looking back at yesterday (i posted what I ate in the previous post) I feel bad. I should have restricted more, I think. But that is obviously my irrational voice talking. It's so hard to distinguish between the two!!
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