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Old 12-22-2005, 02:13 PM   #1
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Never been so confused...

I am so confused about what I SHOULD do, what I AM doing, and what I WANT to do!!!!

I've posted before about this, but in case you don't remember me I am 6', 125lbs and extremely confused....

Jonistyle - How is everything going with your weight gain? I just read the post about your stomach ache - I'm sorry! That's horrible. Have you figured it out?

Well, I'm currently still in the same exact situation I was in a couple of weeks ago. I KNOW I should gain weight and I've had numerous ppl express concern, but I still can't. It's like I WANT to, but I don't want to. There are two different voices arguing about it in my head!
I just went on a trip with one of my friends and her parents and I felt like I ate very minimally (b/c we were constantly on the go and didn't even have time to snack or overeat - which I loved) and we just got back yesterday.
So here is what is bothering me about yesterday: For breakfast I had a GREEN APPLE and some COFFEE with milk. Then for lunch I had a SALAD with turkey, beet root, tomato, cucumber, carrots, lettuce, pumpkin, and dressing on the side. Then as a snack I had DRIED MANGO and an ORANGE....and later on 2 slices of lowfat CHEESE and some ALMONDS. We went out for drinks and dinner and I ended up having some BRUSCHETTA, a calamari ring, and a little bit of the top of some PIZZA. I guess after drinking (and not really eating THAT much) I was hungry when I got home so I went crazy on teh peanut butter again - I HATE WHEN I DO THAT!!! I was eating it plain and putting it on rice cakes with Jam. Now I feel just awful adn disgusting and don't want to even eat today. I hate that I feel this way and its CHRISTMAS and I should be joyous and happy...I just hate it.

Anyway, I just need some reassurance or advice...this is the hardest position I've ever had to be in.
One minute I look in the mirror and see my chest bones sticking out and know that I need to gain weight to look healthy, and the next minute I'm skipping lunch...why the discordance!?!?

...........confused.......

 
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Old 12-22-2005, 02:26 PM   #2
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Re: Never been so confused...

LS, you really, really need to get help. Your weight is dropping gradually and you are severely underweight by any standard. It is not healthy and it is even dangerous. Your mind is not in any state of health either, and you really need to question what you are doing and seek help NOW. Youve been posting for quite some time now on these boards and you don't seem to be changing your habits in the other direction (getting healthier)..things are just getting worse. You need to see that you cannot wait for any better time to get help..no other 'landmakr' in your life should be your focus. I really think that you ened to put aside any excuses or other things that youve said to yourself to prevent you from doign so and you really just need to get help now..

 
Old 12-23-2005, 01:28 AM   #3
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Re: Never been so confused...

Girlygirl-
Thanks for your quick (and honest) response.
I'm concerned, too, but not enough to think I need professional help, I guess. Some other things I do that I was thinking about today that probably aren't normal are: 1) pretend to leave food out as if I've eaten it (for example, cereal box out, peanut butter jar out) so that my roommates will think I've eaten more than I have, 2) exaggerate how much I've eaten when talking about how gross I feel after eating.

I think I'm just so confused as to what "normal" actually is at this point. I talked to my friend about how gross and full I felt after eating something the other day and she said "you probably just aren't used to being normally full and you confuse that with being OVERLY full," but could that be true? Could I think that the normal feeling after you eat is actually a GROSS feeling, even though it should be normal?

I felt really gross about eating that peanut butter last night when I got home last night, so until dinner I just had: a green apple, 2 slices lowfat cheese, and 4 wheat crackers. For dinner I had lowfat cottage cheese, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and a chicken breast. I think I might have some frozen yogurt for dessert, but I feel like that might be going overboard....

I think you're right about putting aside excuses, though. I keep waiting for things to happen and I need to just realize that I need to take action, I guess. But every time I think that, I just let the guilt overtake me and resort back to my "bad" habits....

PS- what is a good breakfast that you could recommend to me?

 
Old 12-23-2005, 04:27 AM   #4
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Lenin HB UserLenin HB UserLenin HB UserLenin HB UserLenin HB UserLenin HB User
Re: Never been so confused...

Unfortunately, you are seeking rational answers while viewing food and your intake of it in an irrational way. There is no way for you to reconcile this dichotomy. That's why another person is required to help get your VIEW and the REALITY of your situation on the same track.

A good breakfast is two eggs, a small amount of meat, and some toast or potato and a beverage you like...coffee, tea, milk.

Peanut butter IS a high fat food and if you want to view it as gross, there's nothing wrong with that. I view it the same way...the way I view bacon.
The proper way to deal with a food you consider gross is to never buy it again. Why not try that route. To buy it, eat it, and then angst over it is in the realm of neurosis.

You cannot eat enough to gain weight until such time as you WANT to gain weight. Until that shift is made in your head, you will spin your wheels; that's where a trained professional comes in.

Ask yourself HONESTLY, "Do you WANT to weigh 135, or 145?"

 
Old 12-23-2005, 05:43 PM   #5
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Re: Never been so confused...

Lenin- I know that tactic sounds really easy (not to buy something you know you will feel "gross" from eating), but living with three other people makes that really hard. And also, peanut butter is something that I honestly consider a healthy, necessary food, but I just feel so awful after I eat it! I think I just have this stigma in my head that says it is high fat, high cal, and therefore, horrible!

What I am most afraid of is that I will not consciously make the decision to gain weight- that it will just happen out of nowhere. I think that's what scares me when I overeat or eat something "bad." Even though I know it is unrealistic that I will wake up one morning and be 10 lbs heavier, I actually think that might happen.

And as of right now, looking at my diet and what I eat, I don't think I'm unhealthy. I consider myself an extremely healthy eater and an adequate eater, but obviously something isn't balancing out if I am underweight (or at least very thin).

Even looking back at yesterday (i posted what I ate in the previous post) I feel bad. I should have restricted more, I think. But that is obviously my irrational voice talking. It's so hard to distinguish between the two!!

 
Old 12-24-2005, 06:25 AM   #6
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Re: Never been so confused...

And that is precisely why you need to seek extra help..because you personally cannot distinguish between the two. You don't have to know exactly what normal is to get to normal- you just have to know that what youe currently doing isn't normal or healthy. As much as you refuse to see it, you really must understand that you do need help and you need it now- not in two months or a year, but now. There really is no other advice that can be given that hasn't been said already, and that you KNOW already! Everything we say you claim to hear but really, you can't be if you aren't implementing it...I know its hard and that's why it cannot be done alone. For the sake of yoruself, your life and your family and friends, please go get help.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 08:34 AM   #7
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Re: Never been so confused...

hey girl. i don't really know what to say except that you really need to get help now. everything girlygirl said is right. you are still losing weight (and relatively quickly at that) and you are SEVERLY undereating for your height and exercise level. you need someone who is out of your head to take some control of what goes into your body, because the eating disordered thoughts are taking all the control. i feel for you, i really do (been there, done that, as you know!), but i also know that this is the only thing that will work for you. it's too hard and too much to do on your own, so you need a professional to guide you along.

and it WILL make you feel better, i promise. the guilt and the anxiety will start to fade and you'll be able to relax and be happy more often. i'm not saying it'll happen quickly (because it is gonna take time and it's gonna be hard work), but everything WILL start to improve.

as for me, i'm doing pretty good overall. still with the stomach aches and the 3000ish calories a day (talk about filling!) and haven't gained one stinkin' pound. my body must be sort of out of whack or something, so we're just sticking to this for now in hopes that weight will start to go on. it's hard and i feel FAT very often, but i do feel better in my head knowing that someday i'm gonna get better and i'm working towards it now. just please try to get some help. everytime you post, i think of how similar we seem and i think of how much i DID NOT want to get help and then i think how glad i am now that i decided to give it all up and go into therapy. keep me posted!

 
Old 01-01-2006, 05:28 PM   #8
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Re: Never been so confused...

The thing is, there are days (like yesterday) where I feel like it is a ridiculous idea for me to gain weight because I eat/ate so much. Last night I ate SO much chocolate after dinner that I felt sick. For brunch I had 2 pieces of toast, avocado, tomato, and poached eggs. Then as a snack I had some dried mango and papaya, some of a banana, and some cherries. For dinner I had a teriyaki chicken breast with mushrooms, cauliflower, and lowfat cottage cheese. I also had some lowfat cheese and crackers. THEN, after I was so full, I ate a bunch of peanut m and ms, part of a chocolate bar, part of a gingerbread cookie, some yogurt, and some other chocolate. That is not normal!!! So today I feel so fat and disgusting...

And my running has tapered off b/c I've been so busy and I also have this weird side cramp that won't go away, so I've been sticking to the elliptical at the gym. I just don't feel like it does the same thing as actually running does.
I'm feeling really anxious now b/c I feel liKe I am eating more out of control, I'm not running as much, and all of the sudden I am going to gain all this weight!!! I go from one extreme to the other b/c one day I realize that I maybe don't eat enough, and then the next day I feel like I am binge eating!!
Is that normal?

 
Old 01-03-2006, 10:18 AM   #9
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Re: Never been so confused...

I am new to this board and was just reading around when I saw your post. I had to double check to make sure I wasn't on the Eating Disorders link. I am not trying to be sarcastic or funny. Your posts sound like someone who has an eating disorder. I would have to agree with your friends and suggest you seek help. You seem to be obsessed with food, yet you don't eat nearly enough. Or if you do have a good day of eating you talk of how you gorged yourself and then want to work it off at the gym. I am not an expert but know lots about healthy diet and exercise.
You inspired a lurker to post.....maybe I will inspire you to get help.
Sincerely,
Tracey

 
Old 01-03-2006, 12:37 PM   #10
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Re: Never been so confused...

LS, I just want to say it took me a long time to learn what exactly "normal" was again when it came to eating. I had ate such small portions of things for so long and was never used to being "full" that when I did start eating normal it felt like I was eating way too much and I felt stuffed after eating. But I didn't restrict and just kept at it and now I can differentiate between being hungry, full, and not hungry when before I couldn't because I had ignored my hunger signals for so long. And I also know now what normal portions of food look like because before I didn't. To me a couple of tablespoons of peas or 5 or 6 baby carrots was a portion. It's going to take your body awhile to get back to normal as far as hunger signals and you have to relearn what normal portions look like. But you can't do this if you keep restricting yourself and punishing yourself for eating. We all know you want to get better. You've expressed that for quite some time now, but you seem to only be getting worse. LS, this may be a good time to seek professional help. Everyone on here can only do so much as far as giving you advice. I'm sure you already know what you need to do to get better, it's just taking action that you're having problems with. We can't help you do that, but a counseler can. Please just consider it. We all want you to get better too. I feel your pain and I know how it feels to struggle everyday with thoughts of food and exercise and the intense fear of getting fat. There is so much more to life than this. You are so young still and should be out living life to its fullest. Getting help would be the best thing you ever did for yourself, I promise. So get out your local phone book and start looking and making calls. Take care and hang in there ok? ((Hugs))

 
Old 01-07-2006, 02:49 AM   #11
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Re: Never been so confused...

Tracey-
That truly does mean a lot. To have attracted your attention enough for you to post back is a big deal. But the truth is, I don't see the disorder in my thinking. I am currently traveling and will be back home in about 3 weeks, and will seek help at that time. I was actually seeing a therapist AND a nutritionist for several months before I left, and so that is why I am so apprehensive about seeking help again....it seems like something I just have to realize on my own.
Piscean-
I completely understand what you are saying b/c I recovered from an ED once before in High School. I remember that feeling of clarity where you finally realize "wow, I was worrying about that this WHOLE time for no reason!?!" and you just feel so FREE! Life is so much more, which I DO realize (and I believe I am living it to the fullest), but there is always something holding me back or making me feel bad at times when I shouldn't. Always a "you should've exercised" or "you shouldn't have eaten that."
Today is a perfect example. This morning I was hungry for breakfast and at 7:30 ate a banana and a grapefruit and a couple bites of nonfat yogurt. Then I had a black coffee with a little bit of milk in it. I went on a tour of a small rainforest with 2 friends today and was on a bus a lot of the day, but when we stopped for lunch I had a chicken pita type sandwich...I ate a small portion of the tortilla, the lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and some of the chicken. I then had some raisins and 5 small jelly candies. As a snack I had a green apple and some raisins and about 8 almonds. We stopped at a famous ice creamery, but I didn't get any. I felt bad after eating the candies, raisins, and small snacks. For dinner I had a can of soup and a bunch of pretzels. I didn't get to exercise today, which is REALLY bothering me, and all I keep thinking about is how guilty I feel...but WHY!??!?! I don't know!
Am I going to gain weight if I continue eating how I do, but don't get to exercise much in the next 2 or 3 weeks? I'm so scared of that....

 
Old 01-07-2006, 05:17 AM   #12
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Re: Never been so confused...

But the truth is, I don't see the disorder in my thinking.

This morning I was hungry for breakfast and at 7:30 ate a banana and a grapefruit and a couple bites of nonfat yogurt. Then I had a black coffee with a little bit of milk in it. I had a chicken pita type sandwich...I ate a small portion of the tortilla, the lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and some of the chicken. I then had some raisins and 5 small jelly candies. As a snack I had a green apple and some raisins and about 8 almonds.

Hi,
I do believe it is in the way you think. I am not sure, but I don't think your average person (even very health conscious ones) obsess about their food the way you do. To count the number of jelly candies and know exactly how many almonds you had must be exhausting. If I am correct, you don't even need to lose weight, right? You seem to have an unhealthy focus on food all the time.

Now, my husband would be laughing right now, because nutrition is a huge part of my life. I am very interested in eating the right things and feeding my family the healthiest meals possible. However, I eat when I am hungry and make the best choices I can at the time. I do my best to exercise each day and if I don't I try better the next day. I treat myself to "bad" foods now and again but don't beat myself up if I do. Do you see the difference?

You may be right, that you don't need professional help. But you need to get your focus off yourself and food. Are you working? Are you in school? What do you do to fill your time?

Hope this helps.
Tracey

 
Old 01-07-2006, 09:06 AM   #13
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Re: Never been so confused...

Just a thought LS- you say that in high school you 'recovered' form an eating disorder...what makes you think you're fully recovered now? It seems as though you definately have a disordered perception of what normal or healthy eating is, of your body, and of what youre doing to yourself. Weight alone is not a determining factor, but even if it was you'd fall under the 'unhealthy' category. Since you already know you at least have a precident towards problems with your eating, would this not convince you to seek help even faster as to avoid a huge relapse (not to say it already hasn't happened)?

 
Old 01-11-2006, 03:33 AM   #14
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Re: Never been so confused...

Tracey and Girlygirl-
I have realized that you are both very right. I think about food to the extreme and it rules my life (to an extent). While traveling I have tried so hard to eat less than the 3 friends that I am traveling with that I oten have stomach aches from being so hungry and get very irritable. And I feel bad about what I eat when I do allow myself to. It's almost gotten worse.
Today I had a graperuit, a green apple and a rice cake for breakast.
For lunch I had a chicken sandwich, but ate about 1/4 of the bread and then had a lollipop. My friend and I bought some peanut m and ms together and I pretended to eat a few, but didn't really.
Then for dinner I had a beer, a small chicken salad with bbq sauce and some gummy bears afterwards. Obviously I shouldn't feel bad about today, but I do! It's like I am starting to feel bad not just about "bad" eating, but eating, in general!! I am so much happier when I am hungry or not full. It's weird.

I am definitely going to seek help when I get home b/c I want to talk to someone, but for some reason I am still not convinced I need it. It's so messed up.

I guess I have definitely relapsed from high school, which makes me feel weak and vulnerable and sad, but what's happened has happened and I need to face the facts. If I even understand what the facts are!?!?....

My perception of normal has been so skewed that I just hope I can get it back. FYI I am a little over 120lbs right now (I think) and about 6ft. Shouldn't I worry only if I get a LITTLE bit thinner???

 
Old 01-11-2006, 03:44 PM   #15
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Re: Never been so confused...

LS I dont know how to stress this to you more. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND NEED HELP. Do you realize that since tlaking to you these last few months you've dropped already 15lbs and still aren't concerned that you are underweight (even though you were to begin with?). You eat next to nothing and struggle with eating out, fatty foods, "indulgances", your body image, etc.

If you refuse to get help then at least post on the eating disorder board where you may be more inclined to see you really do need help given the similarity of your situation to others there. Forget when you get home- if you are physically able to do it now, get help ASAP.

 
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