xheffalump

Over the past few months incidents that have occurred at home caused me to become very depressed, and as a result I saw a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with BPD, depression, and panic disorder.

During these few months, I lost my appetite and was unable to eat very much. I am now underweight, and now that I am feeling better due to therapy, wish to gain quite a few pounds.

I didn't realise what I was doing to myself until people started pointing out to me that I was "wasting away", that I "really need[ed] to eat" and that I "look[ed] sick". I have sufferred from anorexia in the past, and there's no way I am going to let my body end up in the state that it was again. I know how much damage not eating caused me and can cause me again, but no matter how hard I seem to try, I can't eat a bloody thing.

I have already started to notice the warning signs, e.g., brittle nails and hair, follicular hyperkeratosis (goosebumps that don't disappear when warm), inability to retain body temperature, lack of energy and so on and so forth.

It isn't a psychological issue - I no longer feel as though I need to lose weight or that food is some sort of poison - I have not felt that way for many, many years. It is simply that even very small meals cause me to wretch and want to throw up.

For example, this evening I had a handful of chips (fries) and one sausage put on my plate. I had a few chips, and by the time I got to the last few mouthfuls of the sausage I was retching. Another example - the other night I had two pieces of broccoli, half a baby potato and half of a small chicken fillet before I felt sick. That for me, was a good day.

Just yesterday I could eat absolutely nothing.

I really don't know how to tackle this. Sorry for the length of the post, but has anyone got any advice?