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Old 02-04-2008, 03:09 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Orlando, Fl, USA
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Claudia08 HB User
'You don't look depressed'

Is it me, or should I be angered by that comment? A new nurse practitioner said that when I went in for my monthly medication prescription. I wouldn't care but every time I see someone they write a memo for my file and it all will be reviewed by an SSI judge -- when I finally get a date (I've been turned down twice due to lack of evidence). I am bipolar and I've never gotten help for it, although I've been diagnosed several times over the past 20 years. I've been dealing with depression, on my own for many, many years. I can put on a good front, but everything in my life suffers; esp. jobs, relationships...

My question is, how does a depressed person look? Because when I went in there I was so friggin depressed my body ached and it was taking every ounce of energy to talk to her. My hair was done, and I had make-up on but I was so miserable I wanted to cry. I told her, I feel very, very low and depressed. And she said 'you dont look depressed.'

OH! She said, 'at least you don't stay home in a dark house with your curtains drawn' -- and I'm like, 'yes, I do. I have sheets over my windows...' and she interrupts 'well I went through that too' -- but she had just told me her husband died last year, so I said, 'well, YOU had a reason' and then she changes the subject. plus, I am on Zoloft, so maybe that helps, but I was feeling very, very low, and I'm sorry, how am I supposed to 'look' as bad as I feel? I am attractive. And I have had people tell me I look depressed. In fact, in the waiting room last month a girl said that. But the Doctors won't tell me that? I have 20 years of hiding my depression and *trying* not to look as horrible as I feel. I can fake it just to get by.

My depression is not being taken seriously at this place. It's the county mental health facility and it's cheap. they are hurting for funding and only have 4 therapists to serve 600,000 people! They are swamped. It's a mess, and THEY are going to hurt my case. Should I file a complaint? Do I have to put on a show and go in with my hair greasy? Because I don't take a shower for days, but I have never left the house like that. I didn't think I had to prove I was bipolar. I never had to prove it when I was diagnosed in the past-- in fact I didn't ever believe that I was. Therapists would say you ARE bipolar. Now when I tell a therapist I am bipolar they don't believe me. I want to choke them...

I haven't worked in years, I have panic attacks -- on top of deep depressions, and small things like taking a shower or making dinner can seem like the biggest chore. Sometimes I have No energy. It feels like I have cancer (I've never had cancer but I can imagine what it would feel like). I have anxiety too so leaving the house is very hard. I've been this way for years. I've dealt with it. I've never known any different. Pain, suffering, depression, despair, sadness, hopelessness has always been a way of life for me. Followed by times of elation, high energy, enjoying every second of the day with my new found moments of clarity... It's been a huge burden and I didn't even know I had a problem. Reaching out for help is my last resort. I cannot function. I was losing my home until my dad saved me. Friends and boyfriends cannot take my moodswings. If it was a physical handicap you would see me limping, but it's a mental handicap so you cannot 'see' it. That's why I don't understand her comment, 'you don't look depressed.' You can say that to ANYONE who suffers from depression. I CANNOT prove I am depressed. NO ONE can PROVE they are depressed...

'You don't look depressed' -- what kind of comment is that?

Last edited by Claudia08; 02-04-2008 at 03:13 PM.

 
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