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Old 10-09-2011, 08:47 PM   #1
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Unhappy Scared

Just to give you guys an update, if you all remember, i got approved for SSDI, which has been a major relief. i have been staying w/ my brother and thought my living situation here would be secure. Well, he has been out of town for a few days and called, saying his g/f will be moving in and that i will need to find a place to live.

i am scared and devastated, because as long as i've been living here, i know no one. i can't make friends. i'm ugly and can't connect with anybody. i cannot live on my own because i get very, very depressed. i am the crazy catlady x 4, people cannot relate to me, so it is unlikely a trustworthy family will take me in as a renter.

i am scared to death of being alone in some dingy apartment somewhere, or looking up ads on online sites praying that the person(s) will be trustworthy.

I have a few months to find a place...i cannot do this alone, i need to be in a group home or a place with laughter and people that i know. However, i am so isolated and such an outcast (stranger) in the town i've lived in for years, because i give off the wrong signals nonverbally and have an all out awful vibe. Also talk weird and look weird.

i don't know why i'm posting this, i guess i've been on this board for so long and feel 'at home' here, even though i will be losing my real home. Just hoping for some words of support or something...i truly feel alone, as my brother is in a serious relationship and doesn't have the time that he used to though we have never been really close. It has been great living with him, but as soon as i move out, it will probably be just Xmas cards, the occasional ph call, etc. i just feel very, very alone in this world, i don't know where to turn. My mental health provider is great, but i'm not sure they understand the degree of support, friendship and fellowship i need. I am so isolated and so unable to connect with people that living with my brother has been a relief to that isolation, even if he is just in another room typing on his laptop. I'm just so scared of being alone, as I'm a stranger to the world out there.....I really don't know a soul around here though i've lived here for years, i'm just the weird looking person that ppl try to avoid. i try to make friends but fail.

Sorry to write so much, just don't know where to turn. i know this post is probably hard to respond to. Any practical advice would be great, such as how easy is it to get housing if you are on SSDI? Has anyone here encountered any difficulties?

i really want to live in a group home or some form of assisted living, but i don't think either type of place would take me. i am terrified of any other option out there, because i am unable to make friends -at all- and unable to have a b/f, etc. i am just terrified of this transition and of the future, in general. I will always be alone due to my personality, mental illness, and who i am, so any transition will be completely alone without anyone to help me during those dark moments when the black dog strikes and i fall into a deep despair....i am just so scared i don't know what to do, so any words of wisdom or support will be greatly appreciated

Last edited by sunni123; 10-09-2011 at 09:00 PM.

 
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Old 10-10-2011, 06:43 AM   #2
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Re: Scared

Sunni,
You are not ugly. I bet you are a beautiful person. I have those same, nasty, dark thoughts too btw Sunni. I think I am old now, can't work, i also think that I am unattractive, mentally ill, and so I must live the remainder of my life alone. I try not to think these dark thoughts but they flood my mind sometimes anyway. I think we all have these thoughts from time to time. It really does make you feel like life is not worth living anymore. Hang in there Sunni. Besides your brother, do you have other family?

 
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Old 10-10-2011, 07:56 AM   #3
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Re: Scared

sunni123

ddont despair now, you have been thru so much and made it-you know this life is not easy and to give up is to die-use your computer-you seem pretty articulate and intelligent enough to use it-you can find help on the internet, there are many, many organizations, churches, etc, etc etc if you research....type in your current city and start your search.....good luck
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:10 AM   #4
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Re: Scared

Sunni123, First I liked you the first time I read your post. You are a great person and a lot to offer people You can help others like you I know there have to be support groups around to help you. Do like BB07 said search the internet. And yes just like Blueskies said try not to think about those Dark thoughts. I bet if we took a poll there are so many people on this board that feel like they are ungly but they aren't Myself I just learn to accept myself the way I am I can't change how God made me but I can learn to try to make the best of it. Which sometimes easier said that done. Also like BB07 said you have been thru so much this will pass also when you find a place you will see you will be happy again. Change is hard the unknown is even harder but tell yourself you can do this. I live on a culdesac and there are 11 houses on it two of which two are group homes for the disabled We moved there two years ago we didn't even know that there where those two homes but let me tell you they are the best neighbors there yard is alway neat and they are so friendly the worker and the cleints. my husband got in trouble once for giving one person cigaretts (LOL) . But I know there are places around that you can share a house are an apt. with. Maybe even a collage student. You remind me of my Granddauther. I think there is social service agency that might be able to help you locate a place and maybe even help with finding a roomate that will be more stable give it a try and see if there is something out there. As for your brother I bet he will stay in touch with you. Please please stay in touch with all of us we all care .

 
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Old 10-10-2011, 02:48 PM   #5
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Re: Scared

Hi Sunni,
I am thinking that your DR. could give you some ideas on a living arrangement that best meets your needs. Maybe reccomend a group home for you that gives you enough freedom and support at the same time. Or you might like a share rental. Rent out a room in a house and have access to kitchen. Then you would not be alone living with others. Or if you need a place like a residental facility your Dr might be able to refer you to some places like that. I think you do have options , and things will work out for you. Change is very hard and scary. I do not think you are ugly . Anther thing that might be good is HUD housing . These subsidzed housing places all go by income so the less income you have the less rent will be each month making a apartment affordable. If you talk to a counselor or psychatrist ask them what they think is best for you and your needs. Ask your brother to help you and tell him how you feel. I think he should help you find a place to live because he is your brother and wants his G/F to move in . It is not fair that he is making you do this , but if he helps you find a new place that is not so isolating and helps you be happy then that would be easier on you.
I hope the best for you .
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Last edited by mod85; 10-10-2011 at 02:51 PM.

 
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:20 AM   #6
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Re: Scared

Hi Sunnie,
It's scarey sometimes to think of being alone but there are many who are alone. I am sure your being too hard on yourself about your looks. We all have flaws and have to learn to live with them. And besides..it's inside that counts!
It is also very hard to find someone to live with that is compatible so sometimes being alone works out better for some. You migh try talking to your Doc as stated above or welfare, they usually help people with housing I believe.
There are many many message boards on line. You just have to hunt and look like you did this one. I wish you well and you can do it.

 
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Old 10-11-2011, 06:09 AM   #7
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Re: Scared

I also agree with sunshine12, sometimes it is better to be alone sometimes you even like it. You could join a church group and are some kind of support group I bet there is one out there with the same simulary as yours with the internet your never totaly alone.

 
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:12 PM   #8
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Re: Scared

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueSkies14 View Post
Sunni,
You are not ugly. I bet you are a beautiful person. I have those same, nasty, dark thoughts too btw Sunni. I think I am old now, can't work, i also think that I am unattractive, mentally ill, and so I must live the remainder of my life alone. I try not to think these dark thoughts but they flood my mind sometimes anyway. I think we all have these thoughts from time to time. It really does make you feel like life is not worth living anymore. Hang in there Sunni. Besides your brother, do you have other family?
Blueskies, thank you for your reply - it is a comfort to know that i am not alone in thinking these thoughts and that I am not crazy. I do have other family but no one that either my brother or I are close to. FWIW, you are such a help to this board and are a kind, intelligent person.

 
Old 10-14-2011, 03:58 PM   #9
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Re: Scared

Well my brother is back from his vacation, and he said today there is a chance he might let me stay here, but it will depend on different factors (the major one is what his gf ultimately wants). i responded that it is his choice, of course, that i will manage whatever he decides. I am not getting my hopes up, however. i'm looking into other cities in KY; one about 70 miles away (i don't know anyone in a new city, but how many ppl do i really know here ? ) i'm not sure why i want to move if he decides for sure i need to leave...i think it is partly b/c there are a lot of painful memories here, and landmarks and other visual signs remind me of them constantly. However, moving to a new place is majorly stressful...i don't know if i could emotionally take it, but using the internet to explore. i will also talk to my Dr about all this; in the meantime can only hope for the best and take things a day at a time. Just want to thank you all for the support and encouragement....it really means a lot

 
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