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Old 02-15-2012, 12:10 AM   #1
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Unhappy Please help

I have a problem where i can't make friends (in the offline world) no matter how hard i try

Recently i tried to make friends with other people with mental illness and people with other disabilities, only to find out that they rejected me too...i am a pariah!

To make a long story short, the last two occasions, they were going to pick me up (we had made the arrangements in advance) to go to a support group (a speaker was going to give a talk on mental illness). Both times they didn't show up or return my calls. i found out later that they went without me.

This kind of thing has happened before; usually people are more considerate but the bottom line is i get gradually ostracized. i've asked a couple people what i do wrong; one person said it's my vibe and the other said my wording seemed insensitive. So when someone tells me what i do wrong, i understand, but i make mistakes in new social situations. I fear I have a bad vibe and can hear it in my own tone of voice but don't know how to fix it

Whatever i'm doing wrong, it is causing people to not want to be around me. I really reached out with this group of people, and they seemed very friendly, warm and accepting...i am just crushed that they don't want anything to do w/ me, no explanation. As I just typed that, I am deriding myself for thinking I am so worthy as to deserve an explanation.....who the hell do i think i am anyway???? !!!!!! i just thought since they have mental illness like i do, that i might make a friend

it just hurts inside

 
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Old 02-15-2012, 01:07 AM   #2
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Re: Please help

sunni123, I think from the posting you have done here your a very polite person, I think that when you get older are out of the work force it is harder to make friends, But you really need to understand that you are special and have something special to offer people if (they )can't see that then you don't need them as a friend really your vibe really that is just there demened way of thinking really how awful that someone would come out and say that how horrible really they are the ones with the problem. Okay they went with out you well you don't need them . You will find someone that will be your friend you will see. Some times I feel alone when I am force in social situations but I keep telling myself just be who I am if they like me they do and if they don't then they don't. I guess having to deal with cerbral palsey has helped me be be who I am people shy away from me are look the other way when I start walking its okay I figure its Gods way if protecting me and only making the people that want to talk to me talk to me. I have had to lately be exposed to the elementary school scene again because I am taking care of my granddaughter so I am thown into having to be around youger and ecomonlity avanage people and I have felt out of place not to mention the fact my grandaughter who has a expressive receptive disability and stuttering speech problem along with other disabilies. I feel for her because I have to go to ARD meeting and try to be her avocate. I feeel like the teacher is looking at me not only my daughter as a disability so does the grandmother, The teacher is really in sentive to my grandaughter problems I mean at times I think she cares and at other times I think she doesn't anyway to make a long story short, sorry about rambling on and on, I do feel alone sometimes actaully all the time dealing with this issue. So I know how you feel but in the end you have to just be yourself and let people accept you for who you are your a wonderful wonderful person. Hang in there there are people out there that will like you for you. Have you tried a church group. I know I would like to but then I think what if my granddaughter doesn't fit in there and what if I don't eighter. Have you tried vounteering at a school are somewher. Of course I can't sleep because of the stress with my granddaughter we are going to have another ARD meeting next week. So see everyone has problems Just know there are those that care. I wish I had the right words to tell you I think your a neat person Hang in there.

 
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Old 02-15-2012, 09:19 AM   #3
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Re: Please help

Do not know what they may call it as it can be different in every state. Do you have regional centers or centers for independent living where you are located ? If they do you could try contacting them they both have social type gatherings like movie nights, dances, mall shopping trips and such. The independent living centers also have social skills workshops done in groups. A good counselor for one of these are very good at putting folks together who will jive as friends once they get to know you. They will find out what your interested in and introduce you to others with like interests. It was at a social skills workshop my son meet his best friend who is also now his girlfriend. Best of luck and just think if they have social skills workshops for groups and not just groups with mental illnesses or other disabilities then you are far from alone. A local therapist here only does group social skills for anyone and her groups are always full up.

 
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Old 02-15-2012, 01:37 PM   #4
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Re: Please help

Hi Sunni,
I am sorry you have to go through this, that really is difficult . When peopleturn adults they seem to form their own little cirle of friends and thats it. Try not to take it personally. As hard as it may be do not think you are the cause . People with mental illness are at different places, and sometimes have so much internal struggles they are not much fun to hang out with. Be yourself, their is nothing wrong with you. It their loss, they lose a friend that could of been a true friend for a long time, and without even giving you a chance is wrong. I don't even know what that means, you give off a bad vibe? What does that mean? that is just a excuse. Hold your head up high and know that your a good person.

 
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Old 02-15-2012, 04:52 PM   #5
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Re: Please help

If they are like that, you sure don't need them. What kind of friends would they be when it really counts.

Its sad, but humans are an odd sort.. and they all seem to find their pecking order - one that puts themselves above others. No matter who it hurt or what their reasoning.

Its like those who like to call others names. Those that do this, are feeling inadequate and are psychologically trying to elevate themselves by putting others down. (Something I recall from social psychology classes from days gone by) They do not realize how it really makes them look bad, not their target. Bullys are another example.

Do you have a hobby you like? See if you can find where others meet that like the same thing and join in. Ask one of your doctors of groups in the area that may not advertize but meet on a regular bases.

Hang in there. For those people you found rude, be glad you found them before you got involved with them - you saved yourself a lot of time.

 
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:43 AM   #6
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Re: Please help

Sunni, if it's any consolation to you, I don't have many offline friends either. I do have one close friend, an ex co-worker of mine. My other friends have become virtual online ones like many of the people I have interacted with on healthboards and a few other forums that I have participate in. I feel really isolated and alone too much of the time. I feel for you Sunni. I see some of myself in you. I hope you are having a pretty good day. What really scares me is that I no longer look forward to tomorrow. I also fear getting older as I am seeing more and more decline in both my physical and mental health as the months and years go by.

Hello to all my friends on healthboards. I hope you guys are all doing ok. My life is still the same since the last time I posted. No better or worse.

Last edited by BlueSkies14; 02-16-2012 at 02:26 PM.

 
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Old 02-16-2012, 12:15 PM   #7
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Re: Please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueSkies14 View Post
Sunny, if it's any consolation to you, I don't have many offline friends either. I do have one close friend, an ex co-worker of mine. My other friends have become virtual online ones like many of the people I have interacted with on healthboards and a few other forums that I have participate in. I feel really isolated and alone too much of the time. I feel for you Sunni. I see some of myself in you. I hope you are having a pretty good day. What really scares me is that I no longer look forward to tomorrow. I also fear getting older as I am seeing more and more decline in both my physical and mental health as the months and years go by.

Hello to all my friends on healthboards. I hope you guys are all doing ok. My life is still the same since the last time I posted. No better or worse.
Hey blue check out my post in off the wall topics about mobile homes?

 
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:44 PM   #8
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Re: Please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueSkies14 View Post
Sunny, if it's any consolation to you, I don't have many offline friends either. I do have one close friend, an ex co-worker of mine. My other friends have become virtual online ones like many of the people I have interacted with on healthboards and a few other forums that I have participate in. I feel really isolated and alone too much of the time. I feel for you Sunni. I see some of myself in you. I hope you are having a pretty good day. What really scares me is that I no longer look forward to tomorrow. I also fear getting older as I am seeing more and more decline in both my physical and mental health as the months and years go by.

Hello to all my friends on healthboards. I hope you guys are all doing ok. My life is still the same since the last time I posted. No better or worse.
I have found that peeps such like ourselves seems to isolate. Many folks don't get it that we can't do this or that. Or WE feel like we are the 3rd wheel. When I was still working, all the folks use to get together and go have drinks a couple times a month or more. Then folks got transferred here or there away from the original nucleus and the gathering became less and less. When my health really began to decline the gatherings were nil and those who were left had turned into people who had become very negative. I began seeing a psychologist because my home got broken into and I was afraid to leave it and afraid to sleep at night (hyper alert). She took notice that I had isolated way back then - and this was long before I even thought I was going to venture into the SSDI world.

(Maybe it has to do with getting older???)

I think, and please understand this is JMPO, we have sorta been trained to whine about this or that as well - especially when we are in SSDI journey - because your representative/atty has said to be - and I think it is very contagious. For me a while back, when someone called to just chew the fat and asked how I was, i caught myself in mid PARAGRAPH, stopped and said, "oh heck, it doesn't matter really same ol same ol - How are you doing"?

Since then I've made myself be very conscience of talking about me and my aches and pains, even when I know they may be sincere in asking. Honestly, even I am sick about hearing about me. And unless we find folks who are similar to 'us' then we don't really associate with others who are not like 'us'. That is human nature.

No one talks to new neighbors anymore...or rarely. Things are not like back in the day... --I would not think it something wrong really, but if you do feel the isolation is more of a serious nature, then a trip to the doc is not a bad idea. I can't say I'm 'excited' about tomorrow, but at the same time, I am not thinking 'bad things' in lieu of see what tomorrow holds. I do have my dogs and a couple close friends. But to say I have the ton of friends I used to party with 15-20 years ago -- noooooooooooo. They have all gone their own way. Hell, even my brother who has his own host of problems, hasn't bothered to check on me since New Years eve day--and I've left him 3 messages since then. He lives several states away.

I don't think its 'us'. I choose to believe its just everyone is busy, wrapped up with their own life.

Last edited by Jacki345; 02-16-2012 at 01:58 PM.

 
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Old 02-16-2012, 02:06 PM   #9
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Re: Please help

I think people are busier these days and everyone is just trying to make it. Your so right about neigbors are different these days evryone is busy.

 
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Old 02-16-2012, 02:22 PM   #10
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Re: Please help

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Hey blue check out my post in off the wall topics about mobile homes?
OK Vann, nice to see you friend!

 
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Old 02-17-2012, 09:56 AM   #11
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Re: Please help

Hi Sunni123, I agree if they were real friends they wouldn't be like that. I had friends I used to work with and now I'm disabled and I don't hear from any of them. I'm working on this real hard. I have my husband, two boys and I'm going to be a grandma and I have a wonderful pitt bull named Ziggy. I have found some friends on different support groups but it seems like they come and go. I can't stay on these boards all of the time. Take care and be gentle with your self. Gentle Hugs♥ ♥ ♥
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