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Old 02-05-2004, 06:45 AM   #1
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hillarynotclinton HB User
still not divorced, im confused???

you guys know that my husband said he was leaving a couple of months ago. Well, he has partially. He spends nights at a mutual friend's house, and spends his days off here with our daughter. He has been acting really wierd lately. He calls me all the time. at least 10 times a day. he works nights so he calls me from work until I go to bed. He comes by alot as well. He is being really nice to me. He calls just to check on me and say hi. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to be physically intimate. He stopped by the house yesterday and said to me "let's have another baby". ***??? I thought he was leaving. He has even told me that he still loves me. Honestly, I just dont say anything anymore. I dont really react to these comments because Im confused about what I want now. When he dropped the bomb that he was leaving in the first place, he told me that he didnt love me anymore and was positive that he wouldnt get that back. We arent discussing it right now. I dont really want to talk anymore. Im not sure I even want him to love me anymore. Ive been working on myself alot lately. Seeing what I did wrong and Ive felt so much better since I truly got honest with myself. I know that if we dont stay together, I will be able to be in a relationship someday and do a much better job than I did with this one. I feel at peace with this whole thing. Plus, I dont know if he can give me what I need in the relationship. He took alot for granted. He never spent time with me and I want so much more than he ever gave. I want to do things with someone. I want to truly experience life with a man, not watch tv with him an let that be it. I can count on one had the amount of things we have done as a couple, and as a family over the last couple of years. it really has just been me and the kids taking trips, having fun. I wanted to share that with him. He always told me , Oh, I love you SO much, but never had the time to spend...

 
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Old 02-05-2004, 07:45 AM   #2
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hillarynotclinton HB User
Re: still not divorced, im confused???

ok and he just called me to tell me he wasnt going to stop by the house tonight before work and asked if I could please come visit him at work instead. suddenly he wants to be with me all the time. When he decided we werent working out, he wasnt calling me or anything. I dont get this at all...

 
Old 02-05-2004, 08:27 AM   #3
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supertrooper HB User
Re: still not divorced, im confused???

Hillary, it seems obvious to me that he has decided that he is in love with you. The problem is you have never loved him. Rereading your other posts and this one, I see no evidence that you ever really loved him. He needs to hear that from you.

The current situation is so confusing it's no wonder neither one can figure out what is going on. He's trying to win you back because he thinks there once was something there. He sees your lack of response as "Maybe..." The problem is you have all but decided you have no future together. It isn't fair to either one of you to keep going like this. He needs to know where he stands with you right now.

 
Old 02-05-2004, 08:34 AM   #4
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Re: still not divorced, im confused???

Hillary-
This is a tough question- but was he involved with someone else when he left and now that relationship has ended and he wants to come back?

This sounds like a very familiar pattern to me- because this is what my ex- husband used to do to me and I took it for a number of years- he would announce that he had "fallen out of love with me" would move out- we have 2 children- leave us for about 2 or 3 months, party with his friends, date, etc- I would finally come to terms that it was over- then he would start calling and coming back into our lives again, saying it was a mistake and he realized what was important etc. etc. - it would last for a few years, then it would happen again.

Just a point of view that maybe you had not considered- didn't want you to fall into that trap- once they do this they will do it again.

Take Care,

M

 
Old 02-05-2004, 10:08 AM   #5
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hillarynotclinton HB User
Re: still not divorced, im confused???

No way was he involved with someone else. And anyone who knew him would laugh at that one, cause that's just not him at all. the mutual friend is a guy, married with kids. Anyway, supertrooper, I see where you are going, but I do think I have loved him. I was afraid to admit it to him or myself for a long time, but I feel that I do love him. Its a foreign concept to me because Ive never had that before. I have a huge wall built up from past experiences, and was always afraid to show love, or even feel it sometimes. I didnt want him to know I needed him, or even cared as much as I did because I didnt want him to think I was vulnerable. I think the comments Ive made about not feeling it were a part of my defense mechanism, because that really wasnt true. I have little experience with rejection, and tend to react by pretending that I dont care. I had alot of anger towards my husband. It built up and I never let it go and in the end, that was the only part of me he was seeing. I have a huge problem with holding grudges and holding on to anger. It was literally eating me up. I havent felt that way recently. I finally admitted what I was doing, and how long this had been a problem for me and I have been able to let go of most of that. Its great because it was driving me crazy. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. When you feel that anger and hate towards someone, it hurts you so much, and doesnt resolve anything. Now this doesnt only pertain to my husband. I decided to work on my anger for ME, and noone else. Not to save my marriage. Not to win him back. I want to be a better person for me. I figured all the rest would follow. I stopped obsessing about getting him back, and it seems as if as soon as I did that, he came back on his own. Im not totally open at this point to going back to "normal" with him. I think I need to continue on with what I have been doing, and let things happen the way they have been. We both need to be totally serious about what we want so that this doesnt happen again someday. If it isnt going to work , I want to move on. I suspect it could work, though. We would both have to work hard and make alot of changes. I think I may be capable, as that is what I have been doing with myself, but I need him to meet me in the middle on this one. This wasnt caused only by me, and it wasnt caused only by him, but together we royally screwed things up. But Ive thought about it long and hard, trooper, and I do love him. In a way hes done me a huge favor, because I couldnt go through the rest of my life angry and unhappy. Ive really had to SEE myself, and I didnt like it very much. But im better for it.

 
Old 02-05-2004, 10:46 AM   #6
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Re: still not divorced, im confused???

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillarynotclinton
No way was he involved with someone else. And anyone who knew him would laugh at that one, cause that's just not him at all. the mutual friend is a guy, married with kids. Anyway, supertrooper, I see where you are going, but I do think I have loved him. I was afraid to admit it to him or myself for a long time, but I feel that I do love him. Its a foreign concept to me because Ive never had that before. I have a huge wall built up from past experiences, and was always afraid to show love, or even feel it sometimes. I didnt want him to know I needed him, or even cared as much as I did because I didnt want him to think I was vulnerable. I think the comments Ive made about not feeling it were a part of my defense mechanism, because that really wasnt true. I have little experience with rejection, and tend to react by pretending that I dont care. I had alot of anger towards my husband. It built up and I never let it go and in the end, that was the only part of me he was seeing. I have a huge problem with holding grudges and holding on to anger. It was literally eating me up. I havent felt that way recently. I finally admitted what I was doing, and how long this had been a problem for me and I have been able to let go of most of that. Its great because it was driving me crazy. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. When you feel that anger and hate towards someone, it hurts you so much, and doesnt resolve anything. Now this doesnt only pertain to my husband. I decided to work on my anger for ME, and noone else. Not to save my marriage. Not to win him back. I want to be a better person for me. I figured all the rest would follow. I stopped obsessing about getting him back, and it seems as if as soon as I did that, he came back on his own. Im not totally open at this point to going back to "normal" with him. I think I need to continue on with what I have been doing, and let things happen the way they have been. We both need to be totally serious about what we want so that this doesnt happen again someday. If it isnt going to work , I want to move on. I suspect it could work, though. We would both have to work hard and make alot of changes. I think I may be capable, as that is what I have been doing with myself, but I need him to meet me in the middle on this one. This wasnt caused only by me, and it wasnt caused only by him, but together we royally screwed things up. But Ive thought about it long and hard, trooper, and I do love him. In a way hes done me a huge favor, because I couldnt go through the rest of my life angry and unhappy. Ive really had to SEE myself, and I didnt like it very much. But im better for it.
Do you think you could take the core thoughts and feelings in this post and tell him about them? He really needs to know where you stand with him. you might assume he "knows" most of it, but I'm not sure he knows where you are in your personal transformation. He sees you acting different, but I don't think he really knows what's going on inside you. He keeps trying to come up with something that will work on you, but all he gets is "the wall".

Set up a time when you can be alone with no distractions. NO KIDS. No phone. Just you. Tell him to sit down, shut up, and listen for the next 10-15 minutes. Then let it all out. Try to be as coherant as possible, but let him see all that is going on inside you. Keep focused on what YOU are feeling and what YOU want. Be honest about what you see as the future.

Then you have to give him the same uninterrupted opportunity. I think you will BOTH be surprised at what you learn.

 
Old 02-05-2004, 11:06 AM   #7
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hillarynotclinton HB User
Re: still not divorced, im confused???

He knows. I have been honest with him. We had some conversations last week. I think its been part of my personal-growth: me being so candid. But after I told him what I had been doing, how I really felt and why I didnt show it I told him that wasnt meant to pressure him into staying. I told him that I am open to whatever he wants to do. But to make a decision eventually. I wanted to move on with my life, with or without him, regardless of what I wanted. Basically, I spilled my guts, and told him that I did these things to better myself, first and foremost. I told him that if our relationship is unfixable, that is fine. I feel good.

 
Old 02-05-2004, 11:36 AM   #8
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Re: still not divorced, im confused???

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillarynotclinton
He knows. I have been honest with him. We had some conversations last week. I think its been part of my personal-growth: me being so candid. But after I told him what I had been doing, how I really felt and why I didnt show it I told him that wasnt meant to pressure him into staying. I told him that I am open to whatever he wants to do. But to make a decision eventually. I wanted to move on with my life, with or without him, regardless of what I wanted. Basically, I spilled my guts, and told him that I did these things to better myself, first and foremost. I told him that if our relationship is unfixable, that is fine. I feel good.
GOOD FOR YOU! Did he offer anything back or did he just take it all in?

 
Old 02-06-2004, 09:21 AM   #9
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Re: still not divorced, im confused???

trooper, heres a little update. We spoke last night, and he said he still loves me and wants to make this work. I told him I felt the same way and we agreed to try. We arent jumping into it, I said I wanted to do this right, or not do it at all, and he agreed. He said he missed me and didnt want to give up. Big change from 2 months ago when he said he wasnt even invested enough to try counseling. As of now, the divorce is not going to happen. Thank god. Ive never been so miserable in my life as I was when this all happened. This has literally been HELL, and the most bleak and dismal time of my life. It was also a huge wake-up call for me. I needed this in a way, despite the torture Ive been through with all this. Ive never been so candid and honest and open with him as I have lately. It is a huge change for me, something I didnt think I could do. Im not going to take this for granted. Ive been given a second chance, but I know that I have the ability to screw it up all over again if I dont WORK at this. The nicest thing is, during our whole marriage, every time we spoke he would say "I love you". He quit that almost 3 months ago. Hes been saying it again since last night. funny how much I missed that.

 
Old 02-06-2004, 09:30 AM   #10
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Re: still not divorced, im confused???

Good luck to both of you.

I think I have something in my eye. (sniff)

 
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