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Old 02-09-2004, 09:41 AM   #1
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When do you know it's time to divorce

Any of you ladies have any clues for me? After 25 years are we supposed to just let go of the things that still drive us up the wall and make the best of it? Thankfully there are no kids involved. He's already lost both his parents, doesn't have a lot of friends, and the whole "he'll be all alone" guilt trip thing is really weighing heavily on me. He can't cook but can do his laundry. Just would like to know WHEN you know it's over for good. I'm not being a good wife because of anger and resentment. He's still the same red-neck-jerk I married almost 25 years (in June this year) ago. He hasn't changed so I guess I have. I only know that I'm so sick of the daily arguments. I am so tired of having the same fights we've been having over the years. I am ready for some peace. Could this just be another phase of marriage? Are there some of you that went through a bad spell about this same time? Just looking for validation of what's going on, I guess. Would really like to hear from 40- and 50-somethings. Thanks, cg

 
Old 02-09-2004, 10:34 AM   #2
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

I've been separated for a year after being married for 22 years. I am 46. I, too, was very resentful of his not helping out at home, even though we both work. I stayed with him longer than I should have, because of kids, and because I knew it would be extremely tight financially if I left. It finally got to the point that I didn't care if I had to live in the poor house (a slight exageration), I just needed to find me again and get away from this man. He was always angry at me and the kids, and treated us all like crap. I'd had enough. I don't know if this is similar to your situation, but I had just finally reached a point where I knew it was time. I had been unhappy with the relationship for about 15 years. Good luck.

 
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Old 02-09-2004, 01:45 PM   #3
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

I left my wife of 9 years. I had been very unhappy in the relationship for about 7 years. The only thing that was holding me there was the children which I lost I miss them terribly since they are in a different state then me. Still though it was the best thing for me to do. I would say leave him dont worry about if he can cook or anything else he will figure it out. People are very resilliant. Good luck

 
Old 02-09-2004, 03:29 PM   #4
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

[QUOTE=cowgal]
You may have less to give for now...Fighting takes a lot of energy but bottom line, there needs to be a meeting of the minds and compromise. If your both not giving, or holding back, something needs to happen...can't go on like that...

You both need positive exchange between each other. Love and commitment is a decision two people make. If your tired of the same fights day after day, stop participating in them and see where it leads. If nothing changes day after day you can't expect different results. Something needs to change somewhere. If he won't change maybe you could sever the fighting pattern, create a break in the chain and not participate anymore. It could be a bad spell but if its every day, itís not a spellÖ

 
Old 02-10-2004, 05:48 AM   #5
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

When is it time? I would say when you look at yourself and realize that you are no longer in love with your spouse and are unable to to give yourself to your spouse in a way that YOU would require from YOUR spouse. I stayed with my ex-husband way too long. When we finally called it quits, I realized that staying with him unhappily as long as I did was completely unfair to him as well as me. For the last year, I wasn't giving him my all, mentally, emotionally, or physically, and I realized that if I was in a relationship, as much as I loved my partner, if he didn't feel that way about me, I would not want to stay with him. I would want to move on to find someone who would be able to give me the love and emotional support that I need.

 
Old 02-10-2004, 07:54 AM   #6
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

Thanks to you all for the input. And it's interesting that I did in fact choose not to participate in one of the arguments Sunday night. Just told him I wasn't going to spend an hour arguing about something that neither of us could or would change and went to bed. I had prepared him 2 nice meals already that day so I know he wasn't starving. He has blood sugar issues and has to eat regularly but I suppose he got out and went to Sonic or fixed himself some cheese and crackers. I know he's as tired of having to face me as I am having to face him. He's been divorced once, was married 5 years the first time, and she was stepping out. I've never done that and never would, it's simply not right. Not that our continual bickering is right either but at least I'm not complicating the matter.

It would be a lot easier if he would make the first move to end this and then I wouldn't have the guilt. After a week of anger from him, he actually talked to me this morning when I was cooking his breakfast. Not a lot of conversation but at least it was in a civil tongue. What further complicates matters is that we have a business together. We mutually decided to sell about a month ago but to get all paid it's got a hefty price tag so it's a wait and see what happens there. I know it makes it harder on the marriage knowing that we have this business that has to be taken care of and you can't base business decisions on your marital status. Everyone just ought to have the experience of working with their spouse all day long and then going home with them at night. Anyway, I just would like for things to be different. Hard to change things after 25 years.

 
Old 03-02-2004, 04:59 AM   #7
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

I'm 35 and was in a long term relationship since my teens with two kids. I knew it was time to walk away when I would do anything to avoid sex with him and even sleeping in the same bed made me feel uncomfortable....like I was sleeping with a blood relative....someone I felt a bond with but shouldnt or didn't want to be in a sexual relationship with.

I started noticing more and more how little we had in common both intellectually and socially and started to analyze how far back he had held me all those years.

Toying with the idea of seeing other men became a viable option for the first time and once I realized I was emotionally and financially able to make the break, I did.

I LOVE IT!!!!! It's far better being single this time around than when I was younger. Sure there have been some *****ly times too I won't deny but it's not the same as when you were young. You're more headstrong and resilient.

 
Old 04-01-2004, 03:32 PM   #8
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by cowgal
Thanks to you all for the input. And it's interesting that I did in fact choose not to participate in one of the arguments Sunday night. Just told him I wasn't going to spend an hour arguing about something that neither of us could or would change and went to bed. I had prepared him 2 nice meals already that day so I know he wasn't starving. He has blood sugar issues and has to eat regularly but I suppose he got out and went to Sonic or fixed himself some cheese and crackers. I know he's as tired of having to face me as I am having to face him. He's been divorced once, was married 5 years the first time, and she was stepping out. I've never done that and never would, it's simply not right. Not that our continual bickering is right either but at least I'm not complicating the matter.

It would be a lot easier if he would make the first move to end this and then I wouldn't have the guilt. After a week of anger from him, he actually talked to me this morning when I was cooking his breakfast. Not a lot of conversation but at least it was in a civil tongue. What further complicates matters is that we have a business together. We mutually decided to sell about a month ago but to get all paid it's got a hefty price tag so it's a wait and see what happens there. I know it makes it harder on the marriage knowing that we have this business that has to be taken care of and you can't base business decisions on your marital status. Everyone just ought to have the experience of working with their spouse all day long and then going home with them at night. Anyway, I just would like for things to be different. Hard to change things after 25 years.

Which is harder, being in business with him or being married to him?
When his personality changes is his sugar low? It's not an excuse, but can cause mood changes etc.

25 years is a long time, but so is the rest of your life. Has it always been rocky? He's run a business-if he can do that, he can boil soup and tie his shoes.

I'm unaware of what you fight about but anger seems to be an issue. If you are trying to change each other, locking horns, you won't be happy with each other. If the issue are deep and you both refuse to yield, if he get's angry and refuses to control himself, something does have to change somewhere (don't have much to go on with the post).

I've known a couple that had argued and bickered through their entire marriage (longer then yours) and that's how they lived. Neither one of them wanted a change, so they still reacted to each other in the same way. I'd say it was a mismatch from the start, oil and water.
Have you ever sat down with each other and expressed yourselves without anger, heart to heart or have you both built walls to high to get there?
Change for better is possible, not easy-just possible.
If you give up-you give in...

 
Old 04-01-2004, 04:29 PM   #9
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

Being in business. I don't mind giving in so much on the home front but I find that my business decisions are just that-business decisions. He still has to bring his emotions into them and that doesn't make for smart business. His blood sugar does have a lot to do with how far he goes when he loses his temper and how quickly he loses his temper and I do keep that in mind. I will not engage if it's right before lunch or before he's eaten dinner. When tough financial decisions need to be made he needs to back up and let me do what I'm good at and live with the consequences but HE DA MAN takes over rather than good sense. It's really is hard to leave it all and not take any home with you at night. I've learned not to bring work up after 6 pm now if I can just break him of the habit we'll both rest easier. I try to take all the night calls so that he won't get so upset. If you wake him he doesn't go back to sleep easily. I on the other hand can be up a couple of hours if need be, go back and get another couple hours of sleep and still perform on time and at par the next day. Said it before, we all fight over the same 3 issues-money, sex and family- and our fights are no different. But knowing every thing I know it's still hard to remember and keep perspective in the heat of an argument. cg

 
Old 04-01-2004, 06:06 PM   #10
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

I might not be old enough, but I think when you've lost all respect for your husband, then you really know it's time to walk away. 25 years is a long time. VERY long, so I would not make any hasty decisions. What it boils down to is: can you live with him for the rest of your life? Would it be easier to be alone or with him? I realize it might be a theoretical question because how do you know that if you haven't experienced life without him? I recommend watching the movie "About Schmidt," if you haven't seen it already. Basically, everyone has flaws and things that are annoying about them. There's no exception to that. The question is, what do you consider a flaw that can be tolerated, and what is a deal breaker that you absolutely can't stand. I don't know how old you are, but you have to realize that at your age it might not be easy to find another life mate. So your decision has to be really well thought. In other words, you must be sure divorce is what you really want and that you despise your spouse so much you'd rather be alone than with him.

 
Old 04-02-2004, 06:21 AM   #11
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

Sophia, I'm impressed by your insight. 2 months ago I was ready to hit the road or at least send him packing. Guess he finally heard a little of what I've been saying and most days he backs off when I get to the point that I am ready to walk out the door. There's no need for either one of us to lose all that we've worked so hard for as long as we can cohabitate peacefully. You'd think after 25 years I'd have learned how to cope more easily but the craziness of menopause somewhat clouded my vision. One lady put it quite well when she said that when we reach menopause we lose all tolerance. She's very correct in that statement. We've even discussed taking on a 3rd partner in the business to help ease my workload, spread out the financial burden, and as a tiebreaker when it comes to business decisions. I love what I do but haven't taken a day off since July 10, 2003 including weekends and it's tough sometimes to keep motivated when I'm here all the time. Is it necessary that I be here that much? I feel that it is or I wouldn't do it. Hubby on the other hand has taken 6 weekend trips and takes off at least one day a week. The way we have divided the responsibilities allows him to do this and that really is ok with me. I'm happy for him to get away because he's better when he comes back.

As for finding another lifemate, I don't think I want one. The whole thing about divorce has absolutely nothing to do with the prospect of finding a more suitable spouse. It has to do with being respected and respecting enough each other that we both can still be who we truly are and not someone the other wishes we were. Does that make sense? Even after all this time he and I both are still evolving personally. We have to find common ground to work and live together on or mentally/emotionally we're going to end up hating each other and neither of us deserves that. We both have wonderful qualities but when you mix us up sometimes those qualities end up clashing rather than complementing. Maturing still. I just turned 48 so it's not like I'm over the hill. But the issue of trying to find someone at this point in time is the last thing I have on my mind. cg

 
Old 04-02-2004, 06:33 AM   #12
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

That's because it's not the issue in point right now. The issue in point is that you are not happy but are not quite sure what to do about it. You should sit down and think about it. Of course at 48 you're no where near old yet, but for your own sake you should try to actively pursue personal happiness for your future. If you say you are already happy, then I'll stand corrected in advance, you just don't sound so. Either way, I wish you well.

 
Old 04-02-2004, 07:04 AM   #13
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

Just a question for you.....
I can tell how much this bothers you from your posts, and I truly hate that for you. Do you love him? Some posts are very angry, but I still get the impression that he means an awful lot to you. Maybe you two HAVE just been in this rut of "reacting" to each other. Would he be willing to seek a different "reaction" from you? It is so easy to fall into patterns of behavior. And you have already been making an effort to break that by not participating in a fight. It takes two people to fight.

You also sound exhausted!! What about a vacation??? If you don't take care of yourself, it is nearly impossible to take care of others beyond a strictly superficial level. Same goes for hubby. Not to mention, that there is NO way that I could work with Dh and then come home to him at night. I love him to pieces, dont get me wrong!! But I've got to have some separation for myself!!

 
Old 04-02-2004, 07:56 AM   #14
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Re: When do you know it's time to divorce

In response to the original post. It has always been cut and dried to me.

I ask myself, " Does the thought of spending the rest of your life on your own sound better than going the rest of your life with this man, exactly as he is now?"

I give myself awhile to think about it. When the answer keeps coming up, " Yes, I'd rather die alone, than die unhappy."
That's when I leave.

 
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