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Old 03-05-2004, 03:53 PM   #1
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Gaguy HB User
Question Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Let me start. I am an assistant manager and I have an employee who is currently in the process of getting a divorce. We really get along great and have recently been "playing" more. Getting a little more "touchy-feely" with each other but nothing has happened between us. We often give xomplements to each other and she has mentioned a few times how much she appreciates my support while she is going through this.

The question is should I make the move to ask her out now, or wait until everything is done and over? Or how do I find out if she is ready to move on? Is there any way to tell if there is actually between us or is it all in my head? I already know some are going to comment on the "employer-employee" relationship but I am aware of that.

Any comments will be greatly appreciated.

 
Old 03-05-2004, 05:11 PM   #2
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Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Hi, I can give you a whole list of reasons why not to do it and very few reasons to do it...

Going through a divorce is very difficult no matter who sets out for it.
Start out as her friend...Just be there for her if you want and if she wants.
Take it from there...Consider yourself getting a new friendship and watch what happens....


 
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Old 03-06-2004, 07:13 AM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

My question is why would you want to date someone who is still legally married?

Who may change her mind and stay with the husband?
Who may share so much with you about the divorce that you'll be a reminder of a painful time and end up dumping you?
That may get thru the divorce with your "help" and then decide she hasn't had any "me-time" as an independent person and break away?

Good things are worth the wait for them to be at the best time to happen.

Let her deal with her life and close that book before starting a new one with you...

 
Old 03-06-2004, 05:11 PM   #4
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promisez HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Pretty much has been said but be a friend first. I took a year for myself after the seperation just to make sure I didn't hurt someone by being a rebound relationship. As for the employer, employee relationship, the only comment I have is that where I work if a salaried member of management has a relationship with an hourly associate, it's an instant termination for both of them. Tread carefully, especially where sexual harrassment issues fall into play.

 
Old 03-06-2004, 07:22 PM   #5
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Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Quote:
My question is why would you want to date someone who is still legally married?

Who may change her mind and stay with the husband?
Who may share so much with you about the divorce that you'll be a reminder of a painful time and end up dumping you?
That may get thru the divorce with your "help" and then decide she hasn't had any "me-time" as an independent person and break away?

Good things are worth the wait for them to be at the best time to happen.

Let her deal with her life and close that book before starting a new one with you...
Thanks. I never thought about it like that. I guess I should let her have her space and then if theres something there, it will come to pass, but if not then oh well. I will still be happy being her friend and helping her in any way that I can. As far as the employee-employer thing goes, yes that is pretty much the rule here also. I am a salaried manager and she is an hourly employee but at times it doesnt seem to matter. We are just 2 people having a good time.But I do realize we need to be more careful.

Thanks for your comments. They have been really helpful. Any more?

 
Old 03-07-2004, 12:39 PM   #6
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Knute HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

It is unwise for ANYONE in a supervisor/employee relationship to be dating, the entire divorce issue complicated matters more. Think hard about the possible repercussions!

 
Old 03-08-2004, 05:54 AM   #7
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

[QUOTE=Gaguy]Let me start. I am an assistant manager and I have an employee who is currently in the process of getting a divorce. We really get along great and have recently been "playing" more. Getting a little more "touchy-feely" with each other but nothing has happened between us. We often give xomplements to each other and she has mentioned a few times how much she appreciates my support while she is going through this.


I'm going to stay out of the employer/employee aspect because that is not what you were actually enquiring about. But as to the dating while divorced...well my view is this. Sometimes people have done all their grieving and regrowth whilst still married and are able to walk straight into a normal relationship straight after. If this was not possible, you wouldn't have so many people having affairs during marriage and then marrying that person immediately the divorce came through. Every woman loves a hero who saves her from a disastrous relationship!

 
Old 03-08-2004, 08:00 AM   #8
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Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

[QUOTE=Gaguy][QUOTE=Gaguy] Some pearls of wisdom have been shared & hope you take them into consideration…Wait until everything is said, done and over. She is not divorced so you should not consider asking her out, she's not available ! I would not interfere in this situation. She told you she appreciated your support but I would not read into it. To me, that statement could be a subtle way to reestablish a boundary with you. She does have more pressing issues to work out like her life, future and to make decisions without outside influence one way or the other. Don't overestimate her emotional stability, she's under considerable stress. Don't underestimate the relationship with her spouse. If she needs the job, she does not need entanglements at the moment. I think you are moving a wee bit too fast and should focus pursuing someone else for the time being, preferably outside the workplace. What do you think she would she say to you now if you told her how you were thinking of her at this moment? This scenario has trouble written all over it. The tone of your post leaves the impression you have your cites set, I'm not sure the question...You say you are two people having a good time, what exactly does that mean? Having a good time while she is divorcing? Something does not sound right in that so let me be frank, are you the reason she is divorcing in the first place? Has she been fooling around on her spouse? What's done with you can be done to you.

She is still married and you need to respect that unity even though they are "divorcing", having trouble, what have you. Their is a chance she could reconcile with her husband. If I were you, I would encourage that behavior and intent rather then you pursuing her. You could play with someone who is unmarried. If there is ANY chance she and her husband may reconcile, it would not be right to influence or be involved with her even if it is only on your end.

She has (I assume) enough emotional upheaval in her life and would suspect she does not need an outside romantically interested party. She needs a friend who has nothing to gain by their relationship ending. I don't know exactly what you mean when you say you are touchy feely with her but clearly you need to back up. When a judge signs the divorce decree and if by then, she has healed from it and then if she becomes interested in you and you are still interested in her then that would be a time to consider romantic involvement, but now is too soon. Start off on the right foot & keep intentions honorable. It's wrong to covet thy neighbors wife...What God has joined, let no man divide.

 
Old 03-08-2004, 08:17 AM   #9
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaguy
Let me start. I am an assistant manager and I have an employee who is currently in the process of getting a divorce. We really get along great and have recently been "playing" more. Getting a little more "touchy-feely" with each other but nothing has happened between us. We often give xomplements to each other and she has mentioned a few times how much she appreciates my support while she is going through this.

The question is should I make the move to ask her out now, or wait until everything is done and over? Or how do I find out if she is ready to move on? Is there any way to tell if there is actually between us or is it all in my head? I already know some are going to comment on the "employer-employee" relationship but I am aware of that.

Any comments will be greatly appreciated.
Well, from a GA gal to a GAguy.....I think it has pretty much been covered. There are a lot of emotions that are involved with the end of any relationship, but particularly in the case of divorce. In addition, you mentioned that she is "your" employee. Be careful!! Not only do you risk what some of the other posts have mentioned....but there are also added problems that would come out of this, assuming you two started dating, etc. I would heed the good advice that has already been offered and continued to be PLATONICALLY supportive, but would not at all encourage you to look for a romantic connection. At least not while she is still married and working for you! Yikes! You will end up posting on this board more than you would ever have wanted! Just my 1.5 cents!

 
Old 03-08-2004, 08:24 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

I would let her get over the divorce first...

You dont want to come into the picture if they are trying to patch things up. But on the other hand if you know that is not going to happen then you still want to keep your distance.

Be friends at first...This is because she has not been on the singls market for some time. Take her out on dates on a few dates and get to know her better. She will let you know when she may be ready to open up for a new relation ship.

 
Old 03-08-2004, 10:54 AM   #11
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Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

I think that only you know how over this divorce she is. You know what issues she still has etc. If she has been talking with you about it, you know what state of mind she is in. But on the other hand, if it was me I would keep my distance for a while. You never know if she will reconcile with her soon to be ex or not. i would continue being her friend and help her through this the best you can. You dont want to set yourself up to be hurt by this woman. Not that she would do it intentionally, but just be careful.

 
Old 03-08-2004, 11:01 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInLove
I think that only you know how over this divorce she is. You know what issues she still has etc. If she has been talking with you about it, you know what state of mind she is in. But on the other hand, if it was me I would keep my distance for a while. You never know if she will reconcile with her soon to be ex or not. i would continue being her friend and help her through this the best you can. You dont want to set yourself up to be hurt by this woman. Not that she would do it intentionally, but just be careful.

In addition...take one step at a time & she will guide you along until she is ready

 
Old 03-08-2004, 11:36 AM   #13
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Gaguy HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Some very good comments from both sides. And I can understand them both. The reason she is getting divorced in the first place is because her husband was hitting her. So she has been going to court to get restraining orders and such. She seems (to me) that she is over him and really wants him out of her life. That is why I was seeking advice. So I will just stay friends and support her until things are over. As others have said, she will let me know when she is ready to start dating again.

 
Old 03-08-2004, 12:35 PM   #14
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaguy
Some very good comments from both sides. And I can understand them both. The reason she is getting divorced in the first place is because her husband was hitting her. So she has been going to court to get restraining orders and such. She seems (to me) that she is over him and really wants him out of her life. That is why I was seeking advice. So I will just stay friends and support her until things are over. As others have said, she will let me know when she is ready to start dating again.
Oh honey!! This sounds like a bad bad bad bad situation to me!!! Do not get in the middle of this one! You ever hear the cops talk about how much they hate going to DV calls? There are a ton of dynamics that go along with abusive relationships. And you do NOT need to either add to them OR be caught in the middle of it. Either way, this whole scenario spells d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r to me!! Not sure if this is a pattern for her and not in any position to judge the situation entirely, but going from the bare minimum that has been offered.......stay out of it. Keep things professional. If she needs to talk, listen. But do not overstep your bounds. You'll end up with a lawsuit AND a psycho abusive ex-husband after you!! And what do you think will happen if they reconcile?? He beats her and supposedly "loves" her. What do you think he will do to you?? She needs a good lawyer and a GREAT therapist. Not a manager that is trying to hook up.

 
Old 03-08-2004, 07:34 PM   #15
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alwaystan HB User
Re: Dating someone who is going through a divorce?

Yep, keep your distance and see what happens. I agree with newlywedgurl, this one could spell disaster. Take it from somebody that went through something similar but not as many "factors", keep your distance!

 
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