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Old 04-29-2004, 10:10 AM   #1
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Question 18 and dealing with divorced parents, please help

My mom got pregnant with me when she was 19. My dad was 19 also. They thought they would get married only because of me. Not a good choice, we all know, including them. They got divorced when I was 2 years old and I've lived with my mom ever since. I don't remember my dad much between the years of 0 - 7 because he married my current step mom, Shelley and moved to Kentucky. Growing up with my mom was the lifestyle I got used to. She was my best friend. She never remarried but we lived with her boyfriend and my younger sister Brittany. I knew her boyfriend, Ron as my dad. I knew who my real dad was but he was never around. I saw my dad and my step mom around the holidays and I spent the summers with them. Last March when my dad finally moved back to our town, I decided I was ready for a change in my life. By August I moved into his house with my step mom and my two younger sisters. I didn't exactly tell my mom I was moving out and I hurt her so badly. She's gotten over it for the most part and accepted it, I still see her all the time, but we're both ready for me to come home.

Recently I totaled my car, but it was in my dad's name. Even though the law says it was not my fault, he believes that it was. He smokes marijuana behind my back and denies. I'm a teenager, of course I know what it smells like when I have friends that do it. But he does anything he can to try to cover it up. I feel like he's been taking money from me to pay for his bad habit by charging me more on car insurance. I know that my insurnace was not as much as he said it was.

I'm ready to move back home with my mom. His lifestyle is just not for me. He tries to live like a rich man and he can't afford it. I would rather live in an environment that I grew up in and only afford what I can. He thinks he's better than everyone else and he's trying to get me to be that way too.

He's paying hundreds of dollars for my graduation party and I feel like I should stay there just until I graduate. I know I'm not in the wrong for what he's done in his life or how he's treated me. But he tries to make up for the last 17 years and it's just not what I want. I want to go home.

My question is .... I don't know if I should stay there and let him keep holding on to me. Or should I go back home? I don't know the right time to do it either. Does anyone have any advice for me?
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Old 04-29-2004, 10:21 AM   #2
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Re: 18 and dealing with divorced parents, please help

You sound like a very smart person. Do what feels right for you- you are in your Senior Year and should be enjoying yourself. You know what Dad is doing isn't right- move back with your Mom. She will understand, you had to find out for yourself what Dad was like and you have- now you have a better understanding of him and what you can and cannot expect from this man. I am sure that both of your parents love you- but you need to do what ultimately will make YOU happy. Explain this to your parents and move back with your Mom. If it is easier, explain to Mom first and have her come with you for support when you tell Dad.

Good Luck with Graduation!!!





Quote:
Originally Posted by neener5151
My mom got pregnant with me when she was 19. My dad was 19 also. They thought they would get married only because of me. Not a good choice, we all know, including them. They got divorced when I was 2 years old and I've lived with my mom ever since. I don't remember my dad much between the years of 0 - 7 because he married my current step mom, Shelley and moved to Kentucky. Growing up with my mom was the lifestyle I got used to. She was my best friend. She never remarried but we lived with her boyfriend and my younger sister Brittany. I knew her boyfriend, Ron as my dad. I knew who my real dad was but he was never around. I saw my dad and my step mom around the holidays and I spent the summers with them. Last March when my dad finally moved back to our town, I decided I was ready for a change in my life. By August I moved into his house with my step mom and my two younger sisters. I didn't exactly tell my mom I was moving out and I hurt her so badly. She's gotten over it for the most part and accepted it, I still see her all the time, but we're both ready for me to come home.

Recently I totaled my car, but it was in my dad's name. Even though the law says it was not my fault, he believes that it was. He smokes marijuana behind my back and denies. I'm a teenager, of course I know what it smells like when I have friends that do it. But he does anything he can to try to cover it up. I feel like he's been taking money from me to pay for his bad habit by charging me more on car insurance. I know that my insurnace was not as much as he said it was.

I'm ready to move back home with my mom. His lifestyle is just not for me. He tries to live like a rich man and he can't afford it. I would rather live in an environment that I grew up in and only afford what I can. He thinks he's better than everyone else and he's trying to get me to be that way too.

He's paying hundreds of dollars for my graduation party and I feel like I should stay there just until I graduate. I know I'm not in the wrong for what he's done in his life or how he's treated me. But he tries to make up for the last 17 years and it's just not what I want. I want to go home.

My question is .... I don't know if I should stay there and let him keep holding on to me. Or should I go back home? I don't know the right time to do it either. Does anyone have any advice for me?

 
Old 04-29-2004, 10:29 AM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: 18 and dealing with divorced parents, please help

I have always found that moms I know are easier to talk to and more understanding than a father would be. I believe it would be a great idea if you did move in with you mom.

Your in your senior year and it would be nice to have a role model like her to guide you in the final phase before you enter the real world. Besides teaching you she is there for you. She will listen to your concerns and why you selected her to be with.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 10:43 AM   #4
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Re: 18 and dealing with divorced parents, please help

It does sound like you should move back home as soon as feasible. Something similar happened with my husband and his daughter. She moved all the way accross the country to live with us (me, dh and her baby 1/2 sister) when she was 19. Both she and her father had such unrealistic, high expectations for the way that things would work out. She ended up moving back home with her mother after 8 months. After not having a proper relationship for 18 years you cannot expect to have one overnight just by moving in with your dad. That is what my step-daughter and her father thought was going to happen, that all those years could be made up for. Well, they can't. You have to start the relationship where it is and try to move it forward rather than trying to go back and get something you never had.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 07:56 PM   #5
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Re: 18 and dealing with divorced parents, please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by neener5151
My mom got pregnant with me when she was 19. My dad was 19 also. They thought they would get married only because of me. Not a good choice, we all know, including them. They got divorced when I was 2 years old and I've lived with my mom ever since. I don't remember my dad much between the years of 0 - 7 because he married my current step mom, Shelley and moved to Kentucky. Growing up with my mom was the lifestyle I got used to. She was my best friend. She never remarried but we lived with her boyfriend and my younger sister Brittany. I knew her boyfriend, Ron as my dad. I knew who my real dad was but he was never around.
And after all this, you just up and left the one person or persons who were there for you in favor of one who never was. You left the person who you describe in your words, "She was my best friend." Do you realize or even have a clue how insensitive and selfish that was on your part to do that to her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by neener5151
I saw my dad and my step mom around the holidays and I spent the summers with them. Last March when my dad finally moved back to our town, I decided I was ready for a change in my life. By August I moved into his house with my step mom and my two younger sisters. I didn't exactly tell my mom I was moving out and I hurt her so badly. She's gotten over it for the most part and accepted it, I still see her all the time, but we're both ready for me to come home.
You really need to count your blessings for having such an understanding mother if she takes you back. You need to learn to appreciate her being there for you all through the years you were growiing up, physically anyway. If she has any faults, one is not teaching you more responsibility considering she herself had to bring you up on her own as a single parent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by neener5151
Recently I totaled my car, but it was in my dad's name. Even though the law says it was not my fault, he believes that it was. He smokes marijuana behind my back and denies. I'm a teenager, of course I know what it smells like when I have friends that do it. But he does anything he can to try to cover it up. I feel like he's been taking money from me to pay for his bad habit by charging me more on car insurance. I know that my insurnace was not as much as he said it was.
Is your father an insurance agent or something? What does his habit have to do with you taking responsibility for yourself. Find another insurance agent and pay him/her directly yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by neener5151
I'm ready to move back home with my mom. His lifestyle is just not for me. He tries to live like a rich man and he can't afford it. I would rather live in an environment that I grew up in and only afford what I can. He thinks he's better than everyone else and he's trying to get me to be that way too.
But you don't seem to have any problems accepting his offer to pay hundreds for your graduation party. So, you feel you should stay there until you graduate. Then you will up and leave again, I suppose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by neener5151
He's paying hundreds of dollars for my graduation party and I feel like I should stay there just until I graduate. I know I'm not in the wrong for what he's done in his life or how he's treated me. But he tries to make up for the last 17 years and it's just not what I want. I want to go home.

My question is .... I don't know if I should stay there and let him keep holding on to me. Or should I go back home? I don't know the right time to do it either. Does anyone have any advice for me?
I am being pretty harsh on you. I can only imagine what it is like growing up with a single parent, so you are not entirely to blame for all this. Your parents need to take a big part of the blame as well. Still, you need to do some growing up and realize everything is not all about you. You need to stop and think how your actions and decisions affect others around you before you act. After you graduate, try living on your own instead of living off your parents. It is not a cakewalk. You will quickly learn to appreciate what you have been taking for granted all these years.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 10:10 PM   #6
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Re: 18 and dealing with divorced parents, please help

Someone in the post is being entirely too harsh since it is obvious that this person had both parents in one household. You had every right to have wanted to know what is was like to live with your father. Even though your mother raised you for the most part it was brave of her to realize that you are as much a part of your father as you are her. It takes a STRONG woman to know that.

In this situation you have learned that your father is not a good role model. A person can learn a lot from the mistakes they make. The best lessons are taught through experience. You obviously were taught some responsibilty since you were paying for your own car insurance. You just found out that the person you trusted was taking advantage of you. ( In some states children under the age of 18 can not get insurance on their own. So finding your own insurance agent may not be an option for you. But do find out what your options are.)

The most mature thing to do in your situation is admit to your mom that you made a mistake, it was a learning experience and move on from there. The best thing for you is to be in a safe place and every good mother knows that. I would also tell your dad that you don't need a graduation party. If he insists on giving you the party still then take it as a celebration for the hard work you had put in the past 12 years. Your father should want to celebrate your accompishments whether or not you live with him.

The one issue I do agree with the previous poster about is after graduation don't mooch off of your parents. I think a good rule is you need to either be in school or working. No slacking. Life after high school is not easy. Good luck to you.

 
Old 05-01-2004, 09:30 PM   #7
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Re: 18 and dealing with divorced parents, please help

Yeah I understand what situation you are in. You indeed where very selfish when you moved in with your father, however if your mother will accept you back that should be covered. About your question if you should move back. Well that depends, not to be rude but you seem to only think of yourself, but forget that for a moment, how does your mother feel about all this and your father? If it wont be easy for your mother either emotionaly or finacialy then do not move, learn from this and next time in life think ahead of things. I mean think of if, your mother went through all the **** a teenager gives their parent, and when you bloomed you decided to move for more $ or whatever it was, and now this hasn't worked out so you decide to go back to your mother. Would that make her feel good? If not stay with your dad, until college, then move into a dorm or whatever.

I doubt he is overcharging you on car insurance, car insurance is high these days, very high.

Good Luck however with whatever you do, and remember to think of your mother when you make your decision, not just yourself.

 
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