"Like Ruth, I've decided to not discuss any issues with friends from this point about my relationships until I've spoken with my SO first. Communication is key if you don't want to build resentment and bitterness - which could only result in something bad anyway. If people take up practicing this lost art, maybe divorce rates could go down? Who knows..."
Hehe! I think it's something they should teach in highschool "The Art of Communication". Could save the world a lot of issues in the long run if the younger generation knew how to communicate proactively and without fear AT A YOUNGER age Imagine how good it'd be?? 17 yr olds calmly discussing why they were hurt that they couldn't borrow the car instead of screaming and slamming doors....?
Hi - I haven't read all of the posts on this thread - I originally came to this relationship board to talk about divorce, and found this thread already there. I have been contemplating divorce for some time now (I'm a 46 year old female) and it looks like that's the way I'll be going. I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I'm not interested in anyone else (and probably never will be), my husband doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or have any serious vices at all, unless you count his workaholism. So I'll give you my 2 cents worth on why I am leaning towards divorce.
I have given everything I can to this marriage, but I am plumb worn out. No, that's not it. I'm exhausted, and I can barely get out of bed every day. My husband is a workaholic, and he works six days a week from 7 a.m. until 9 p.m., and the rest of it is left to me. The house, the yard, the kids, the chauffeuring, the laundry, the cooking, the bills, and my part-time (25 hours a week) job. I also do the bookwork for his company, which he owns. My husband believes in his soul that he is doing enough by bringing home the bacon. Only, he's not bringing home enough bacon to make ends meet, (his company's sales are down) so now he wants me to find full-time work, or a second part-time job. I am reluctant to do so, because I know how things will go - he'll still work like he is now, and I'll still be expected to do it all. I just don't have it in my to do any more. So my mind starts thinking about ways to make things easier - let's sell the house, I suggest to my husband. Let's downsize and get a smaller house payment. No, he doesn't want to do that - it would be a sign of his failure to provide.
My thoughts are that if I have to work full-time, I'd be better off without him. As it is, it seems to me right now that all he provides is a paycheck. There is no other contribution to this marriage, at least from my perspective. And I could easily do without our sex life. (Sorry male readers, I'm burned out on marriage, at least the way I'm experiencing it.)
I know that his form of workaholism is a sign of denial, but when I try to get him to talk about stuff, he doesn't have much to contribute. He honestly believes that working all those hours is a good thing.
I'm just pooped, and I don't want to be married any longer if it's going to bankrupt my emotional bank account. I'd be better off solo.
I have given everything I can to this marriage, but I am plumb worn out. No, that's not it. I'm exhausted, and I can barely get out of bed every day. My husband is a workaholic, and he works six days a week from 7 a.m. until 9 p.m., and the rest of it is left to me. The house, the yard, the kids, the chauffeuring, the laundry, the cooking, the bills, and my part-time (25 hours a week) job. I also do the bookwork for his company, which he owns. My husband believes in his soul that he is doing enough by bringing home the bacon. Only, he's not bringing home enough bacon to make ends meet, (his company's sales are down) so now he wants me to find full-time work, or a second part-time job. I am reluctant to do so, because I know how things will go - he'll still work like he is now, and I'll still be expected to do it all. I just don't have it in my to do any more. So my mind starts thinking about ways to make things easier - let's sell the house, I suggest to my husband. Let's downsize and get a smaller house payment. No, he doesn't want to do that - it would be a sign of his failure to provide.
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If you leave him them you have to work full-time to make ends meet. Also, when you go back to your home or apt. you have to remember that there will always be things for you to do around there like cook, clean, yard work, ect. Leaving because you are tired may not help you here. If you leave you will be working more. Is there a love for him that just faded off?
If you are so tired then why not try communicating this with him?
Hi Jeff,
You're absolutely right, I would be doing all the same things anyway....... but without him, I wouldn't have his bookwork, his laundry, his expectations of a warm meal at 9:00 p.m. (after I've already cooked and cleaned up after one meal), his need for sex (again, sorry men, but I just have nothing left to give), and his ego to feed. And I HAVE talked to him about most of these things - he says he wants to improve, and that lasts about a day and a half, and we're back to square one. He never asks me about my day, just comes home, shows me the bills from his business, tells me who to invoice, asks for dinner, and then falls asleep watching the news. Am I in love with him? No.
Does he love me? I don't know, and the really sad thing is, I don't care. I'm just soooooooo tired of life the way it is now. This is not how a marriage should be. I know that life would be hard without him, but how much harder can it get? I already do it all. I even change the oil on the cars. He's literally never home.
This is not how a marriage should be. I know that life would be hard without him, but how much harder can it get? I already do it all. I even change the oil on the cars. He's literally never home.
In marriage people get bored and burnt out but some find ways to stick it for a lifetime. Things may never be like they first started way back when but as long as love is still visible thing can work. If I was married for over 15 years I know my attitude and lazyness may change in time and so won't my wifes but I will stay with here as long as she love me and I feel the same. You are right and there should be more support here and he should be called upon some stuff like if he misses a meal well he can make his own after work, don't make a special load of laundry just for him, and the list can go. Have you ever asked him if he still loves you?
Jeff, I think this situation perfectly answers your question about why women over 40 divorce and their men didn't even see it coming. Cog's husband is stuck in a comfortable rut that apparently works for him, and he doesn't seem to care at all that it's just not working for her. He feels it's her duty to just be happy with the way things are. Some men just don't get the concept of emotional needs. Hey, you have a roof over your head, food on the table, a warm body in your bed every night, what more do you want? Cog, have you tried all the standard stuff, talking to him, marriage counseling, etc etc? I don't get how your husband sees moving to a smaller house a sign of his failure to provide but making you go out and work full time isn't? He does sound like dead weight. He needs to get involved in his marriage again. Otherwise, there's no reason to stay if you're the only one in your marriage. Good luck to you.
Jeff, I think this situation perfectly answers your question about why women over 40 divorce and their men didn't even see it coming. Cog's husband is stuck in a comfortable rut that apparently works for him, and he doesn't seem to care at all that it's just not working for her. He feels it's her duty to just be happy with the way things are. Some men just don't get the concept of emotional needs. Hey, you have a roof over your head, food on the table, a warm body in your bed every night, what more do you want? Cog, have you tried all the standard stuff, talking to him, marriage counseling, etc etc? I don't get how your husband sees moving to a smaller house a sign of his failure to provide but making you go out and work full time isn't? He does sound like dead weight. He needs to get involved in his marriage again. Otherwise, there's no reason to stay if you're the only one in your marriage. Good luck to you.
Oh Nini, I am lucky to have this example creep through because this gave me a prospective. The only thig I didn't understand is that she was leaving him because she does it all where is she did leave she would be doing it more. But with your post it did open up the door for me to realize after trying it all and no hope is left then divorce is the only key to what we call happiness.
Hi Ninispjc and Jeff, I do appreciate your thoughts and compassion! Nini, we have been to counseling - a couple of different times. Nothing changes. The counselor once pointedly asked my husband what he gets out of the marriage and why he's married, and he answered (I'm trying to quote him here) "I like the security of coming home to a family." That is literally what he said. What happened to "I love my wife and family, and I want to be a part of their lives and grow old together." Nope, it seems to be all about security and appearances with him.
In addition to suggesting that we downsize the house, I've also suggested that we sell my car (a 2002 model) and get me a reliable old beater. I don't need fancy, I just need a safe car that will get me from point A to point B. I don't need STUFF, I just want to be an important part of someones' life. And I'm not getting any of that with him. His perspective and mine are completely different, and it's not just the male / female thing. I know of some men who treasure their wives and would bend over backwards for them. Mine thinks providing a paycheck is enough. It's not.
To answer your question, Jeff, does my husband tell me he loves me? Every day. Do I think he really knows what that means? NO.
I look ahead to the next 20-30 years and I think I would just rather curl up and die. He's not going to change. I either have to put up or get out.
Sounds like you're making the right choice. It's pointless to stay in a constitution like that (I wouldn't call it a marriage, it seems insulting almost ... ). Definitely sorry you're going through this though!
It does sound like you've done what you can, but if there's no love gained there's no love lost. You're better off searching for your own happiness then wasting your days being miserable with someone who isn't nuts about the idea of growing old with you - but rather, old with his work. :\
This is not a good situation for your kids to be in. I am sorry your kids had to be with a man like this. I can't beleive he broken thier toys. The attitude is one thing but its time to do something when he starts hurting the child(by braking toys). I am proud of you for making that decision for the divorce and hopefully things will improve for you and your children.
Imagine how good it'd be?? 17 yr olds calmly discussing why they were hurt that they couldn't borrow the car instead of screaming and slamming doors....?
... ). Definitely sorry you're going through this though!
