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Old 08-06-2004, 05:41 AM   #16
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maak823 HB User
Re: Divorce??

Good for you! I think everyone should wait until their late 20's - 30's to get married, you are more mature and ready to settle into something long term- I have a few friends that waited and boy did thier lives turn out differently than I ever thought they would- they are happier, enjoy each other and are committed to their relationship and (for some) their children. I think older is better!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
This goes back to Sophia's post about getting a family in your 30's. I want to get married latter and have kids in my 30's because I know my life will take a huge 360 between know and then. I can't predict that but I ain't doing nothing now and I hope to do something them .

.

 
Old 08-06-2004, 06:55 AM   #17
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Divorce??

Quote:
Originally Posted by maak823
I think older is better!

Older can be better but if you are young and think you can hadle all the responsibilities then go for it. I see peoples point on being more relax than older but this is all person preference.

 
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Old 08-06-2004, 07:26 AM   #18
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Re: Divorce??

Well, just wanted to chime in here.

There are several valid reasons for divorce that have been listed here, mainly any type of abuse. My first husband was abusive and I divorced his butt by the time I was 23.

The one I fail to understand is "We fell out of love but we're still friends" UH???!!! Friendship should be the foundation of any relationship, so if your already friends, and you have taken those vows, shouldn't you put in a little more effort? Loving somebody is a choice. That high you feel at the beginning of a relationship is not going to last forever. You wake up everyday and you choose to love the person laying beside you because this is the choice you made when you took those vows. That is really oversimplfying it but I think you know what I mean.

I think as a soceity we make divorce much to easy to accept. It is so much easier to walk out than it is to work on the marriage. There are times when two people should just not be together but there are also times that with a little work the marriage could be saved with a happy outcome for both parties.

I was married the second time for 11 years before my husband died. We had a great marriage, but we also worked at it. Marriage is work, it doesn't just happen.

Anyway, just my thoughts

 
Old 08-06-2004, 07:42 AM   #19
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Divorce??

Quote:
Originally Posted by caregiver

I think as a soceity we make divorce much to easy to accept. It is so much easier to walk out than it is to work on the marriage. There are times when two people should just not be together but there are also times that with a little work the marriage could be saved with a happy outcome for both parties.
Divorce is easier but if you put the finacial side to it in reality is more exspensive getting a divorce than it is to save a relationship. If the relationship is doomed then I just say get the divorce but if it can be save then why not try it.

 
Old 08-06-2004, 08:40 AM   #20
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Destea HB User
Re: Divorce??

The raise in divorce is definitely in part to the fact that it's more widely accepted - there were many unhappy marriages 30 years ago, but because of religious and social rejection as a result, most women were terrified to leave their abusive or mistreading husbands (and I'm sure there were some men in similar positions). It was highly looked down upon, so people just stayed miserable.

My mother divorced my father when she was 25-26, I was about a year and a half old. She couldn't have made a better move! They're both happily re-married and I've gained two wonderful step parents. I can't imagine how miserable things would've been for me if they had stayed together in an unhappy marriage, they just weren't matching up well.

I know a lot of people like to blame the younger generation for marrying too young, or too fast, but I get the feeling this isn't always the case. There is a percentage of early 20's somethings like myself out there who feel developmentally and responsibly ready for marriage and possibly motherhood. It is certainly not the norm, but that a better percentage of divorces are from 40-somethings women, does say something.

I think a greater portion of women in their 40's are far more independent these days, many women don't desire children like they used to, and don't 'require' a husband for financial aid or support...

But I think caregiver makes a great point, people just don't work at it. Women and men tend to to jump to "well, I don't have to deal with this, I can just get a divorce" more often than before. I wouldn't discount that there are many out there who DO work very hard, but communication is a lost art in this world it seems.

Like Ruth, I've decided to not discuss any issues with friends from this point about my relationships until I've spoken with my SO first. Communication is key if you don't want to build resentment and bitterness - which could only result in something bad anyway. If people take up practicing this lost art, maybe divorce rates could go down? Who knows...

 
Old 08-06-2004, 08:44 AM   #21
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Re: Divorce??

"Like Ruth, I've decided to not discuss any issues with friends from this point about my relationships until I've spoken with my SO first. Communication is key if you don't want to build resentment and bitterness - which could only result in something bad anyway. If people take up practicing this lost art, maybe divorce rates could go down? Who knows..."



AMEN!

 
Old 08-06-2004, 08:46 AM   #22
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Destea HB User
Re: Divorce??

Hehe! I think it's something they should teach in highschool "The Art of Communication". Could save the world a lot of issues in the long run if the younger generation knew how to communicate proactively and without fear AT A YOUNGER age Imagine how good it'd be?? 17 yr olds calmly discussing why they were hurt that they couldn't borrow the car instead of screaming and slamming doors....?

Ah... it could be great...

 
Old 08-06-2004, 08:49 AM   #23
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Divorce??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Destea
"The Art of Communication"

That would be a good thread for people that lack this

 
Old 08-06-2004, 09:42 AM   #24
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Re: Divorce??

Hi - I haven't read all of the posts on this thread - I originally came to this relationship board to talk about divorce, and found this thread already there. I have been contemplating divorce for some time now (I'm a 46 year old female) and it looks like that's the way I'll be going. I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I'm not interested in anyone else (and probably never will be), my husband doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or have any serious vices at all, unless you count his workaholism. So I'll give you my 2 cents worth on why I am leaning towards divorce.

I have given everything I can to this marriage, but I am plumb worn out. No, that's not it. I'm exhausted, and I can barely get out of bed every day. My husband is a workaholic, and he works six days a week from 7 a.m. until 9 p.m., and the rest of it is left to me. The house, the yard, the kids, the chauffeuring, the laundry, the cooking, the bills, and my part-time (25 hours a week) job. I also do the bookwork for his company, which he owns. My husband believes in his soul that he is doing enough by bringing home the bacon. Only, he's not bringing home enough bacon to make ends meet, (his company's sales are down) so now he wants me to find full-time work, or a second part-time job. I am reluctant to do so, because I know how things will go - he'll still work like he is now, and I'll still be expected to do it all. I just don't have it in my to do any more. So my mind starts thinking about ways to make things easier - let's sell the house, I suggest to my husband. Let's downsize and get a smaller house payment. No, he doesn't want to do that - it would be a sign of his failure to provide.

My thoughts are that if I have to work full-time, I'd be better off without him. As it is, it seems to me right now that all he provides is a paycheck. There is no other contribution to this marriage, at least from my perspective. And I could easily do without our sex life. (Sorry male readers, I'm burned out on marriage, at least the way I'm experiencing it.)

I know that his form of workaholism is a sign of denial, but when I try to get him to talk about stuff, he doesn't have much to contribute. He honestly believes that working all those hours is a good thing.

I'm just pooped, and I don't want to be married any longer if it's going to bankrupt my emotional bank account. I'd be better off solo.

 
Old 08-06-2004, 09:50 AM   #25
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Divorce??

Quote:
Originally Posted by cog

I have given everything I can to this marriage, but I am plumb worn out. No, that's not it. I'm exhausted, and I can barely get out of bed every day. My husband is a workaholic, and he works six days a week from 7 a.m. until 9 p.m., and the rest of it is left to me. The house, the yard, the kids, the chauffeuring, the laundry, the cooking, the bills, and my part-time (25 hours a week) job. I also do the bookwork for his company, which he owns. My husband believes in his soul that he is doing enough by bringing home the bacon. Only, he's not bringing home enough bacon to make ends meet, (his company's sales are down) so now he wants me to find full-time work, or a second part-time job. I am reluctant to do so, because I know how things will go - he'll still work like he is now, and I'll still be expected to do it all. I just don't have it in my to do any more. So my mind starts thinking about ways to make things easier - let's sell the house, I suggest to my husband. Let's downsize and get a smaller house payment. No, he doesn't want to do that - it would be a sign of his failure to provide.

.

If you leave him them you have to work full-time to make ends meet. Also, when you go back to your home or apt. you have to remember that there will always be things for you to do around there like cook, clean, yard work, ect. Leaving because you are tired may not help you here. If you leave you will be working more. Is there a love for him that just faded off?

If you are so tired then why not try communicating this with him?

 
Old 08-06-2004, 10:05 AM   #26
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Re: Divorce??

Hi Jeff,
You're absolutely right, I would be doing all the same things anyway....... but without him, I wouldn't have his bookwork, his laundry, his expectations of a warm meal at 9:00 p.m. (after I've already cooked and cleaned up after one meal), his need for sex (again, sorry men, but I just have nothing left to give), and his ego to feed. And I HAVE talked to him about most of these things - he says he wants to improve, and that lasts about a day and a half, and we're back to square one. He never asks me about my day, just comes home, shows me the bills from his business, tells me who to invoice, asks for dinner, and then falls asleep watching the news. Am I in love with him? No.
Does he love me? I don't know, and the really sad thing is, I don't care. I'm just soooooooo tired of life the way it is now. This is not how a marriage should be. I know that life would be hard without him, but how much harder can it get? I already do it all. I even change the oil on the cars. He's literally never home.

 
Old 08-06-2004, 10:12 AM   #27
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Divorce??

Quote:
Originally Posted by cog
This is not how a marriage should be. I know that life would be hard without him, but how much harder can it get? I already do it all. I even change the oil on the cars. He's literally never home.

In marriage people get bored and burnt out but some find ways to stick it for a lifetime. Things may never be like they first started way back when but as long as love is still visible thing can work. If I was married for over 15 years I know my attitude and lazyness may change in time and so won't my wifes but I will stay with here as long as she love me and I feel the same. You are right and there should be more support here and he should be called upon some stuff like if he misses a meal well he can make his own after work, don't make a special load of laundry just for him, and the list can go. Have you ever asked him if he still loves you?

 
Old 08-06-2004, 12:16 PM   #28
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Re: Divorce??

Jeff, I think this situation perfectly answers your question about why women over 40 divorce and their men didn't even see it coming. Cog's husband is stuck in a comfortable rut that apparently works for him, and he doesn't seem to care at all that it's just not working for her. He feels it's her duty to just be happy with the way things are. Some men just don't get the concept of emotional needs. Hey, you have a roof over your head, food on the table, a warm body in your bed every night, what more do you want? Cog, have you tried all the standard stuff, talking to him, marriage counseling, etc etc? I don't get how your husband sees moving to a smaller house a sign of his failure to provide but making you go out and work full time isn't? He does sound like dead weight. He needs to get involved in his marriage again. Otherwise, there's no reason to stay if you're the only one in your marriage. Good luck to you.

 
Old 08-06-2004, 12:24 PM   #29
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Divorce??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Jeff, I think this situation perfectly answers your question about why women over 40 divorce and their men didn't even see it coming. Cog's husband is stuck in a comfortable rut that apparently works for him, and he doesn't seem to care at all that it's just not working for her. He feels it's her duty to just be happy with the way things are. Some men just don't get the concept of emotional needs. Hey, you have a roof over your head, food on the table, a warm body in your bed every night, what more do you want? Cog, have you tried all the standard stuff, talking to him, marriage counseling, etc etc? I don't get how your husband sees moving to a smaller house a sign of his failure to provide but making you go out and work full time isn't? He does sound like dead weight. He needs to get involved in his marriage again. Otherwise, there's no reason to stay if you're the only one in your marriage. Good luck to you.

Oh Nini, I am lucky to have this example creep through because this gave me a prospective. The only thig I didn't understand is that she was leaving him because she does it all where is she did leave she would be doing it more. But with your post it did open up the door for me to realize after trying it all and no hope is left then divorce is the only key to what we call happiness.

 
Old 08-06-2004, 01:20 PM   #30
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Re: Divorce??

Hi Ninispjc and Jeff, I do appreciate your thoughts and compassion! Nini, we have been to counseling - a couple of different times. Nothing changes. The counselor once pointedly asked my husband what he gets out of the marriage and why he's married, and he answered (I'm trying to quote him here) "I like the security of coming home to a family." That is literally what he said. What happened to "I love my wife and family, and I want to be a part of their lives and grow old together." Nope, it seems to be all about security and appearances with him.

In addition to suggesting that we downsize the house, I've also suggested that we sell my car (a 2002 model) and get me a reliable old beater. I don't need fancy, I just need a safe car that will get me from point A to point B. I don't need STUFF, I just want to be an important part of someones' life. And I'm not getting any of that with him. His perspective and mine are completely different, and it's not just the male / female thing. I know of some men who treasure their wives and would bend over backwards for them. Mine thinks providing a paycheck is enough. It's not.

To answer your question, Jeff, does my husband tell me he loves me? Every day. Do I think he really knows what that means? NO.

I look ahead to the next 20-30 years and I think I would just rather curl up and die. He's not going to change. I either have to put up or get out.

 
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