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eightball61 05-27-2004 01:50 PM

New Life After 40
 
While reading up on a news article i stumble across and article about more women over 40 that want a divorce. It went on to say that women over age of 40 seemed more aware of problems in their marriages while men caught offguard by their divorces.

Most women said that they filed these divorces because of physical abuse, emotional abuse,and or drug and alcohol abuse. The men on the other hand said that they sought divorces because they fell out love, they had different values or lifestyles. I'd just say divorce is you are going through any kind of abuse.


I am confused on why this is..Could it be because they married young and just got sick of it after all these years? Or women are seeking more of an independant life to enjoy that last half of life? What are some of your thought?

eightball61 08-05-2004 11:56 AM

Re: Divorce??
 
I am bumping this thread up because I want to know what some of your thought are on this. With the topic we have been having lately I thought this may fit right in.

excaliburgrl 08-05-2004 11:59 AM

Re: Divorce??
 
okay jeff- i have an answer....my parents divorced after 23 years of marriage...my mum filed six months after my daughter died...my mom's reason was april's death made her realize how fragile life was and she wanted to flourish before she died...she just felt my dad's struggle with drugs and alcohol weren't worth it anymore...

Ruth6:11 08-05-2004 12:01 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
Over 40 and happy as a clam!
By the way, I do believe that part about women being more aware of problems in their marriage. We sit around and hash them out with friends while men get together & talk about sports and the weather!!
NO one should be blindsided by a divorce because the other person didn't begin discussing problems with the spouse - that they just got ready to leave and walked out of the marriage without any warning or discussion.
I made a vow to myself that I would never say anything about my marriage unless I had said something about it first to my husband.
(So far so good!)

maak823 08-05-2004 12:05 PM

Re: New Life After 40
 
Well, I have known many who have divorced, due to various reasons- it seems though when it occurs in older people (no offense!) it seems to be more of the "mid-life crisis" types of things- the wanting to experience new things, and the spouse may be reluctant to do so- or the wanting to be young again syndrome. In my case, it was a combination of things, married too young, physical / mental abuse, and a cheating spouse. I have also known people who just fell apart from each other- they remain friends, but just fell out of love and lost the "spark" that they had when they met. I don't think any 2 cases are really the same, its just really hard to know when you have found that right person. Personally- I suggest living together for a while before marriage - make sure that this is the person you can picture yourself growing old with before you make that final commitment- but nothing is for sure - you have to take risks too, so I guess its just another toss up in the game of life- and sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.


[QUOTE=eightball61]While reading up on a news article i stumble across and article about more women over 40 that want a divorce. It went on to say that women over age of 40 seemed more aware of problems in their marriages while men caught offguard by their divorces.

Most women said that they filed these divorces because of physical abuse, emotional abuse,and or drug and alcohol abuse. The men on the other hand said that they sought divorces because they fell out love, they had different values or lifestyles. I'd just say divorce is you are going through any kind of abuse.


I am confused on why this is..Could it be because they married young and just got sick of it after all these years? Or women are seeking more of an independant life to enjoy that last half of life? What are some of your thought?[/QUOTE]

excaliburgrl 08-05-2004 12:08 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
maak-that's the same thing my dad said...he thought my mum was having a mid life crisis...she may have been, but i'm not one to throw it in her face...she's remarried now and happy...and my dad has a girlfriend and he's happy....so therefore, I'M happy...

Ninispjc 08-05-2004 12:12 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
My mother was a drug and alcohol rehab councelor, and she always told me research studies she had read that said men were something like twice as likely to leave an alcoholic wife than a wife would leave an alcoholic husband. I know I'm going to get totally flamed for this, but it's been my opinion for some time that perhaps women just love more deeply than men. Women leave in order to preserve their mental or physical health. Men leave because they get bored or tired. Sex and the City I think does have a flavor of reality to it, even though it's just a tv show, in that love and relationships are really the center of a woman's life, whereas for most men, it seems to be just something they do if they have time, after all the important stuff is done. I experienced it in my own relationship and have seen it in many others, that it seems like the woman is loving for the both of them. But to answer your question a bit more fully, Jeff, if I'm understanding you correctly, you're asking why more women leave after 40 than men? Well, I think these days, women don't have to stay in bad marriages the way they did 30 years ago. We have more financial independence, more choices, more opportunities, and we are better able to take care of ourselves. We don't NEED men the way we used to, so we no longer put up with verbal abuse. Men are taken by surprise I think because there's probably no communication in the relationship, or they didn't listen when their wife tried to talk to them about problems in the marriage. I think some men don't take their wives seriously, chalk it up to her overreacting, being emotional, and it doesn't dawn on them that she would actually leave over it. My father couldn't understand why my mom was so unhappy because she had a roof over her head and food on the table, what more did she want? He just didn't get it. I think he'd be totally shocked if she ever did just up and leave one day.

maak823 08-05-2004 12:12 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
I really believe that is what happens- its good that they are happy now- glad to hear of a divorce ending happily instead of being bitter!

[QUOTE=excaliburgrl]maak-that's the same thing my dad said...he thought my mum was having a mid life crisis...she may have been, but i'm not one to throw it in her face...she's remarried now and happy...and my dad has a girlfriend and he's happy....so therefore, I'M happy...[/QUOTE]

blue_eyed_girl 08-05-2004 12:13 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
All (or atleast most) of the divorced people I know divorced younger. My a parents are the only one's on my mom's side of the family to still be married. They are in their forties. No divorces on my dad's side and he is the baby. I think it has a lot to do with how you were raised and your values.

letfayhol 08-05-2004 12:40 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
Can't really anwer that one for ya...
I divorced at 26....Ugggggg
I couldn't take the drinking, lying and emotional abuse as well as occasional physical abuse...
I think that these people in their 40s THOUGHT that they had to stick it out no matter what and years later they relaize that "hey if it aint working it aint working so get out now"
Some of it is mid life crisis... They think life has more to offer, the grass is greener etc..
Some simply do grow apart... Especially if they got married young... It's said that people usually don't have a TRUE understanding of themselves until their mid 30s to 40s... So it is possible that their likes and dislikes have changed and their partner simply can't give them what they NEED...
Many mnay factors...
It is true though that women are more independant these days... So why stick with a creep if ya don't have to...
Besides, if they havn't divorced and unhappy, it's a 90% chance that one or both are cheating anyway... Just end the pain andleave when you KNOW things aren't right...

Oh but I want to also say that people are getting married to soon and making divorce to easy... Marriage is work and IF with the RIGHT person it is worth sticking it out...

eightball61 08-05-2004 12:41 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
Wow, this grew very quick :eek:

This all ranges from mid-life crisis to just seeing how valuable life can be. I don't know much in this area because I am not over 40 nor a female. I think that is very interesting fact that they had on this study.

Personally I am scared when I hit that age because I don't want my my just coiming out and saying "well after 25 years and a mid-life crisis, I just want to be single". This does make me double think marriage and life alltogether but I have to learn to except the heartbreaks of life.

susieq0726 08-05-2004 12:48 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
I think people change when the get older, and what they thought they wanted out of life or who they loved in their 20's, isn't what they want later in life. I mean just think about how much you change from 20 to 30 to 40. (Well some of you can relate,,,those of you younguns - I think your 22, right Jeff?) Well I just turned 42 (I really only about 10 mentally :p :D ) but I know I am SO much different now than I was then. My whole life has changed. Now I didn't marry until I was 32, and my husband was only 25, but very mature (and mentally he's only 10 as well so we match!)
But my point is that people, their wants, needs, lifestyles, views etc,,change when they age.

eightball61 08-05-2004 01:18 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
[QUOTE=susieq0726]
But my point is that people, their wants, needs, lifestyles, views etc,,change when they age.[/QUOTE]


This goes back to Sophia's post about getting a family in your 30's. I want to get married latter and have kids in my 30's because I know my life will take a huge 360 between know and then. I can't predict that but I ain't doing nothing now and I hope to do something them :D .

My parents are in thier 40's and going to celebrate their 25 years together. In reality I can't understand how people can be married that long or longer and just call it quits unless you really dont get along. I rather try to work it out rather than being a grumpy ol' man that the neighborhood kids make stories about.

Ninispjc 08-05-2004 02:05 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
[QUOTE=eightball61]
My parents are in thier 40's and going to celebrate their 25 years together. In reality I can't understand how people can be married that long or longer and just call it quits unless you really dont get along. I rather try to work it out rather than being a grumpy ol' man that the neighborhood kids make stories about.[/QUOTE]

Well, according to the study you are referring to, it would be your wife who would just one day come to you and say "Jeff honey, I want a divorce." Whoa!! How do you stop that from happening if she's made up her mind she no longer wants to be married to you. I think the best way to stop that from happening is just communication. I know that's really an overused word these days, but you just need to talk to each other about the stuff that really matters. Like Dr. Phil says, discuss the ISSUES, not the TOPICS. For example, a topic that you may fight about is he insists on going out with the boys every Friday night to have his "guy time" and says he needs it and she should just understand, and she says she can't understand why he needs time away from her and why it has to be every Friday night. The ISSUE behind this topic is he's feeling suffocated and nagged, she's feeling neglected and disrespected and perhaps has a trust issue and is wondering what he's doing when he's out. Now, I don't think Dr. Phil is the end all and be all, but sometimes I do think couples don't really argue about what's at the bottom of their problems and feelings. I know my ex and I didn't. We talked and talked and talked, and never said anything that really mattered. He thought it would be better to just lie to me, and 6 years later, I'm still angry and bitter and hurt by it. So I'd say communication is what's most important.

eightball61 08-05-2004 02:25 PM

Re: Divorce??
 
[QUOTE=Ninispjc So I'd say communication is what's most important.[/QUOTE]


I know at the point her mind is made up but I will still ask if there is anything I can't do to change. That would be my sign of closure because at least I didn't give up to easily. I rather be told that than cheated on. I will agree and always stood behind communication being the strong point.


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