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Old 06-09-2004, 07:16 AM   #1
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fredrolin HB User
why divorce is morally wrong

Last night I had a revelation.

The people on this board know, my wife and I are age 40, we have been together for 10 years, and we have an 8 year old daughter.

We didn't met, fall in love and start a family; we met, had sex the first night, were casual sex partners for a year, I got her pregnant and when our daughter was almost 2 years old we got married. I am not in love or happy.
But I stick it out for the sake of our daughter and because I feel there isn't really anything else out there for me.

Anyway I was thinking last night about my daughter's existence.

Traditionally 2 people meet, they fall in love, make love and have children which is supposed to be the ultimate union of 2 people.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in God and that this is the way it should be.
I believe everything happens for a reason and that we are all here for some purpose.
Now if my marriage wasn't meant to be then why was our daughter here on earth?

I now feel that by getting a divorce if will show my child that her parents don't like each other and that her existence was a mistake. That would hurt and I am sure this is something many children with divorced parents feel.

So a divorce goes against everything I believe in. Sure I did it the wrong way but I still did it.

 
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Old 06-09-2004, 07:42 AM   #2
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maak823 HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Well Fred,
You answered your own problem- you don't believe in it. That's totally OK if you have that conviction.

I on the other hand could not see wasting away my life for another 10 years until my kids were out of the house so that they could live in the same house with both parents who didn't want to be there together.

My kids are very well adjusted they know they have 2 parents who love them deeply and spend equal time with them. It was hard during the divorce- but kids are very resiliant- they bounce back better than most adults, my only regret was that I didn't do it earlier.

I am glad that you have found a decision that you can live with and I hope that you can be happy in your marriage- since you have chosen to stick it out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fredrolin
Last night I had a revelation.

The people on this board know, my wife and I are age 40, we have been together for 10 years, and we have an 8 year old daughter.

We didn't met, fall in love and start a family; we met, had sex the first night, were casual sex partners for a year, I got her pregnant and when our daughter was almost 2 years old we got married. I am not in love or happy.
But I stick it out for the sake of our daughter and because I feel there isn't really anything else out there for me.

Anyway I was thinking last night about my daughter's existence.

Traditionally 2 people meet, they fall in love, make love and have children which is supposed to be the ultimate union of 2 people.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in God and that this is the way it should be.
I believe everything happens for a reason and that we are all here for some purpose.
Now if my marriage wasn't meant to be then why was our daughter here on earth?

I now feel that by getting a divorce if will show my child that her parents don't like each other and that her existence was a mistake. That would hurt and I am sure this is something many children with divorced parents feel.

So a divorce goes against everything I believe in. Sure I did it the wrong way but I still did it.

 
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Old 06-09-2004, 07:43 AM   #3
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SophiaM HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

I agree. Just stay married until you're dead, do what's morally right.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 07:47 AM   #4
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fredrolin HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I agree. Just stay married until you're dead, do what's morally right.

are you being sarcastic or do you mean this?

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:00 AM   #5
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hillaryb HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

lol Sounded a bit sarcastic.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:04 AM   #6
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maak823 HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

LMAO - Good one

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I agree. Just stay married until you're dead, do what's morally right.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:28 AM   #7
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Keen17 HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Heck, I know I was a mistake but I turned out to be a normal human being.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:37 AM   #8
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fredrolin HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keen17
Heck, I know I was a mistake but I turned out to be a normal human being.
Define normal.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:42 AM   #9
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csoar2004 HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Fredrolin-
Personally, I think you got it wrong. What is morally indefensible is creating a child with a woman you do not/did not love. IN other words, having sex without taking responsible steps to ensure you did NOT create another life when you clearly weren't ready.

Anyone who is NOT ready to be a parent should either a) be celibate or b) make VERY sure their sexual exploits will NOT result in a baby - and babe, leaving the birth control up to the other partner is ducking your own responsibility.

Now that you find yourself in this pickle, it is your moral obligation to make the marriage work. It's not enough to be married - any child of an unhappy union can tell you how excrutiatingly painful it is because the CHILD feels the need to be the peacemaker and it's the CHILD who thinks its parents' unhappiness is the CHILD's problem.

So get yourself and your partner (if she'll go) into marriage counseling. Stop telling yourself how bad the marriage is, but rather how good it is for your daughter to have a loving atmosphere in which to grow. Make it happen.

Focusing on the negative will simply ensure you see nothing but negatives. If you can't get into counseling, get some relationship books. Start talking to your wife. I mean give her your vision of a healthy loving marriage and ask her to help you make it so.

Time's awastin'
_________________
203/146/146 on the Fat Flush Plan for life and perky to the max!

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:10 AM   #10
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Oh boy...here's comes my Sarcasm response - I'm that 40 something woman who has baggage.

Or should I allow my 15 year old son respond to your post and Have him explain his feelings on being a kid with divorced parents. He is NOT my mistake nor my ex husbands mistake. I'll tell you alittle something too -
I was separated from my exhusband when I became preganat with our son.
We did get back together again for the sake of our son - it was not to be.
We got divorced a year later.

NEVER....NEVER, did I ever feel my Son was a MISTAKE - He was a gift from GOD and I'm am not a religous person but like you I believe in God.
WE have been great parents to our son - as divorced parents. WE has a man and woman became divorced but not ever as Parents. My son is not effected as people say about Children of Divorce. I take tons of credit for this and also applaud my ex husband for being a wonderful father to our son.
I have often said to friends and my son, with a Wink that my marriage did not work out but boy....Did I pick a hell of a father for my son!

I'm sorry, really sorry that you have a different outlook about your marriage, your life, and the welfare of your daughter - Divorce is out of the question for you then start accepting your life as is and stop dwelling on your OWN decision or to knock what divorce does to a child when you have no clue.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:37 AM   #11
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fredrolin HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

I have heard a million times "your daughter will be hurt more if you stay in the loveless marriage than if you divorce".

My wife and I rarely fight, and are very civil to each other. We are not "in love" but she is my best friend and we get along quite well.

I grew up in a household in which my father was a drunken maniac who verbally abused my mother, brother and I. At age 67 he is sober now but a miserable person leading a pitiful existence. He is dying for a drink but due to medical problems it would kill him.

Our household is very comfortable and any problems between my wife and I are kept behind closed doors.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:40 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by fredrolin

I now feel that by getting a divorce if will show my child that her parents don't like each other and that her existence was a mistake. That would hurt and I am sure this is something many children with divorced parents feel.

So a divorce goes against everything I believe in. Sure I did it the wrong way but I still did it.
Like everyone said you have answered your own questions....

By getting a divorce may show you child that but when she get older she will come to realize that you did the right thing for a divorce. The divorce would be less stress and confusion all the way around. Kids do get hurt over a divorce but they get over it. As long as they can still see mommy and daddy they are happy down the road.

A divorce may be against you will and that is your choice. You don't think you may be happy but after a while you will. You would be glad that you made that move instead of staying unhappy for ever. If thing getting better with you wife then great but think about it...

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:44 AM   #13
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Keen17 HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by fredrolin
Define normal.
I'd hope by now you'd know what society deems as normal.

Ya know, like....responsible, rational, stands on own two feet, has a decent job, a decent amount of self esteme, good morals, obeys the law, has integrity ...blah blah blah.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:45 AM   #14
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SophiaM HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Ok, Fred, let's get it straight: what is it you're seeking? We've already told you that you can either divorce, or stay with your wife and try to make things more interesting, or just accept the current situation. Seems like you're choosing to accept the current situation. That's ok. There's no wrong answer here, this isn't a multiple choice quizz. It's your life. You don't have to convince me or anyone else that staying married to the woman you never loved is morally right or not. As I said, it's your life and you will be living with the conseqences of whatever decision you make. I hope that you make the best one for yourself and your family.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 09:48 AM   #15
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eightball61 HB User
Re: why divorce is morally wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by fredrolin

My wife and I rarely fight, and are very civil to each other. We are not "in love" but she is my best friend and we get along quite well.
.

But you are not happy where you are.

I have a best friend like you do but I don't live with him

 
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