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Old 06-29-2004, 04:58 PM   #1
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Kevin72 HB User
Unhappy Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

My life sucks right now.

My marriage pretty much officially ended today with my telling my wife that I want a divorce and she agreed. I don't want to, but she hasn't wanted to be with me for some time and I can't wait around anymore. I need some closure to the marriage instead of hanging on to false hope so someday I can begin to heal.

She moved out a month ago but we were virtually seperated for a few months before that. I thought she was having an affair, or her "friendship" with a much younger guy was taking away from her being at home and she had been avoiding me to be around him. She's 30, he's 23. We've been married for over 2 years.

I had some issues with depression and finally was put on Lexapro in early May. I quit drinking as well for 8 weeks until last weekend when I went out and decided to have a few. That's when I ran into a few of her friends who told me she has been seen all over town with this loser and they were making out one night at the bar (she hardly denies any of it). I got really drunk as the night went on and when I got home (alone as usual--I kept the house), I contemplated suicide. I sat in the garage in my truck listening to music, and for some reason I closed the garage door, opened my truck window, and turned the ignition over. I don't recall how long I sat there in shock, numb, drunk--whatever, but I came to my senses and turned the truck off. The next day I golfed with friends, drank, and went to a festival with friends and drank more. When I got home the next day, my anxiety that I hadn't had for weeks hit me like a brick wall, as did the depression. I finally cried for the first time since being on the meds, so badly I could hardly catch my breath or utter words to my dad on the phone. It lasted about 10 minutes and I knew I had to just wait it out until the alcohol left my system.

Anyway, I could go on and on. I realize for the first time that I really am depressed and need the medication--but maybe more than 10mg of Lexapro. I know I can't go out drinking like that again with the emotional state I'm in. I can tell you one thing is that when I wasn't drinking and on the meds, I felt better than I have in years--I worked out constantly, dropped weight, looked and felt great. But I know now I can't mix alcohol with my meds because it basically voided out anything I had worked up to for weeks.

So I get to come home from work every night to an empty house, waiting for the pain of the impending divorce to fade with time. I just wonder if bumping up the prescription is the answer, avoiding the beer, or both. Life sucks right now but I am keeping the faith. I just thought I would never be apart from my wife and I never thought she would turn into the person she has. Heartbroken is an understatement.

How do you fill the nights in an empty house? I've really gotten to know my laptop and found some helpful websites and keep a daily journal of what I'm feeling and thinking, ending with 3 things I'm thankful for.

Thanks for reading this brief diatribe

 
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Old 06-29-2004, 08:00 PM   #2
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Stcy HB User
Arrow Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

Kevin

I feel the same way you do -- different circumstances and stuff of course. But anyway we can talk about that later if you want. Right now I am on Lexapro also. I was on 10mg and it did nothing for me so they moved me to 20mg - where i have been for almost a week now - i do think its helping, i just know i have to give it time. anyway if u want to keep in contact message me back on here. i understand -- i care -- and im here.

Thanks,
Stacey

 
Old 06-30-2004, 07:18 AM   #3
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Worrytomuch HB User
Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

Hi Kevin,
I can imagine how you must feel. I have never been married, but I have had my heart broken in the worst way. I think it may be the worst pain in the world (or at least close to it). But one thing I think you need to understand is that you are suppose to be feeling pain right now. Anyone going through what you are going through would be feeling pain. I am not in any way saying to not get help if you believe you need it. All I'm saying is that ever since ad's have become so easily availiable, people (me included) seem to turn to them any time we go through a hard time in life. I finally realized this when I lost someone very close to me. I didn't think I could handle the pain and I didn't know how I was going to move on with my life. So as usual I ran to my doctor and told him that I needed to up my dosage of Paxil. He expalined to me that I had to let myself grieve. It's perfectly healthy to cry ...and cry some more. The meds were becoming a scapegoat for me. Instead of turning to my family and friends for support, I was turning to my doctor for more drugs.
I am not putting down ad's. I know that they have saved a lot of people. I'm just saying to make them a last resort. Talk to a professional, talk to a family member, do something for yourself that you always wanted to do. Instead of covering up the pain, try to find a way to move past it.
I know how difficult this is for you. Just know that it WILL get better. Time will heel these wounds and you will meet someone you treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
I hope you start to feel better soon!
When all else fails, I try to take the advise my mom gave me when I was at my worst. Her motto was: When you're feeling miserable, just act happy. Eventually, you trick yourself yourself into actually being happy. I know it sounds crazy, but it works. I would make myself say something nice at least 3 times a day. I would make myself smile everytime I walked past some one. I would make myself call up a friend and pretend to have fun. Eventually it just became a little more natural... But it seems like you are doing a very good job with this already with your journal and the 3 things your greatful for. You're going to pull through this just fine. I just know it!

 
Old 06-30-2004, 11:26 AM   #4
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Stcy HB User
Arrow Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

kevin
its looks to me like we are online at the same time right now ( i can tell by your little green lite on by your username )
anyway i wanted to tell you that when i first started this lexapro (like about 5 weeks ago) i got on this site and your messages about the lexapro were the first i seen -- you were talking about how you were doing so good on the med and all this good stuff -- so i took my first pill and wasnt scared. i never replied to any of your messages or anything but i just wanted to let you know that you were a help to me during my "rough" time, even though you didnt even know it .... and as much as I can be, I want to be a help to you during your rough time. i think this board is a great place to help each other. i hope you are doing ok. post soon and let us know.

Last edited by Stcy; 06-30-2004 at 11:53 AM.

 
Old 06-30-2004, 12:24 PM   #5
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Thumbs up Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

Actually I'm feeling better as the day has gone on at work. I can't be drinking right now with all this pain I'm trying to work through. I do feel the Lexapro has helped a great deal and brought me through 8 weeks of seperation and sobriety with flying colors. I hit a bump in the road and drank, but now I know I can't be doing that to myself. Those 8 weeks I felt better than I had in years.

I've actually been through this whole break-up thing before, but this is the first divorce or pending divorce. I know the pain will go away, but it was so much easier back then without so many worries, such as a house and throwing away all of our memories--wedding, honeymoon, engagement party, etc...

I'll see what the doc says on Friday for my first checkup since I started on Lexie May 6. Adding alcohol to the mess I'm in already was a horrible decision--fun for a day or two, but come Sunday I was a wreck and felt defeated.

Thanks Stcy--hope you're doing well. I'm getting there, I just have to know how to take the pain and know it will go away. My anxiety is back in check now that the alcohol is gone and I've been to the gym a few times to get the old endophins flowing with some exercise. That helps a lot too--I'm down over 20lbs and as thin as I was coming out of college.

Take care.

 
Old 06-30-2004, 12:54 PM   #6
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Stcy HB User
Arrow Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin72
Actually I'm feeling better as the day has gone on at work. I can't be drinking right now with all this pain I'm trying to work through. I do feel the Lexapro has helped a great deal and brought me through 8 weeks of seperation and sobriety with flying colors. I hit a bump in the road and drank, but now I know I can't be doing that to myself. Those 8 weeks I felt better than I had in years.

I've actually been through this whole break-up thing before, but this is the first divorce or pending divorce. I know the pain will go away, but it was so much easier back then without so many worries, such as a house and throwing away all of our memories--wedding, honeymoon, engagement party, etc...

I'll see what the doc says on Friday for my first checkup since I started on Lexie May 6. Adding alcohol to the mess I'm in already was a horrible decision--fun for a day or two, but come Sunday I was a wreck and felt defeated.

Thanks Stcy--hope you're doing well. I'm getting there, I just have to know how to take the pain and know it will go away. My anxiety is back in check now that the alcohol is gone and I've been to the gym a few times to get the old endophins flowing with some exercise. That helps a lot too--I'm down over 20lbs and as thin as I was coming out of college.

Take care.
Kevin ~

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better today. You sound very positive and good today -- thats great!!

I hope that we can keep in touch. I really like talkin' to people that are going through certain situations like me -- and of course anyone that is taking the same meds as me -- it really helps. I dont have the divorce situation or anything like that (not married) .... but I do have the depression and anxiety. Its nice to talk to people that understand.

Please let me know if you would like to continue to keep in touch on here. Of course I understand if you dont.

I am SOOO glad to hear you are so positive today -- Good for you!!!

Take care!
Stacey

 
Old 06-30-2004, 01:02 PM   #7
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mouse62 HB User
Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

I'm not on the same meds (Lexapro, etc.) I just wanted to agree (at least partially) with whoever said that, while antidepressants can help, they weren't meant to take away all of the painful experiences we go through.

At my age sometimes I just bite my tongue and think, this is the s--t I've been dealt, and I'm just going to live through it, that's that. Always knowing that if I slip into true dysfunction from depression then I will turn to medicine and outside psyhcological help.

Anyway I hope you are feeling better, I don't think anyone deserves to be treated like that (hearing of spouse running around town with younger partner) , maybe you are better off. (Probably!)

 
Old 07-01-2004, 07:01 AM   #8
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Kevin72 HB User
Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

I agree, and it is starting to sink in that I deserve and can do better. I know there has to be some pain, but I am keeping positive and getting out and enjoying life without her.
Stcy--I'll keep checking back now and then. Have a good weekend -- it should be a fun one!

 
Old 07-01-2004, 10:14 AM   #9
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BlueGemini HB User
Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

sounds to me like you at least know and are determined to go the right direction with this. i wish you luck and you should really keep your time busy with friends, either online or out and about. it's the best way to heal a broken heart.

 
Old 07-01-2004, 10:47 AM   #10
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Stcy HB User
Cool Re: Depressed--impending divorce, Lexapro effects seems to be fading...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin72
I agree, and it is starting to sink in that I deserve and can do better. I know there has to be some pain, but I am keeping positive and getting out and enjoying life without her.
Stcy--I'll keep checking back now and then. Have a good weekend -- it should be a fun one!
Kevin --

Good for you!!!! Thats so great!! I am so happy for you! I hope you continue to feel better about all this - cause you are right you do deserve better, and Im glad you know that.

Did you ever end up going up higher on the LEX?? Just wondering!

Thanks for keepin in touch! Its good to hear from ya, and esp good to hear that you are doing so well.

~Stacey

 
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