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Old 09-13-2004, 06:55 PM   #1
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scared247 HB User
Unhappy HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

I am so upset and hurt. We have a 2yr old child together and he told me a week ago that he was seeing and older woman. She's 14yrs older than him and has 3 kids. All of which are under age. I feel insulted,depressed,confused,and crazy. My heart feels like its being ripped out and things are happening and I wish I could control it but I can't. We've been divorced for 1yr and during that year we were on/off. He would dangle hope in front of my face and then rip it away just like that. So of course I'm still holding on and I still care and just wish we could've worked things out. He met this woman at work where he met me. He says that they started "talking" 3wks ago but each time anything comes out of his mouth the story changes. I've seen a picture of her and she looks like she could by my mother. I don't understand!!! Why does he want her?? Why does he have to act like he doesn't care about his child or me? Why when I call him and let him talk to our child, she has to beep in and he puts us off and her first? I feel like he's making the worst mistake ever. I feel like I'm obsessed with the whole thing even though it's tearing me apart. I want to know the details but I get sick at my stomach just thinking of him with her and don't want to know anything. I've been praying about it,going to a divorce class to try and help me with it, and I've stopped talking to him as much as possible. I feel like nothing is working because each time I talk to him something more is told to me and it makes it worse all over again. He only gets his child every other weekend. It was different until he told me he didn't want anything to do with me ever unless it's an emergency with our child. So, now he's sees him every other weekend so we can have that distance. I tried to be nice to him today and let him have our child tonight but when I called I asked him if he was alone and he said "she" was in the car with him and he was going to his house. By the way he lives with his parents. HE WAS TAKING HER TO MEET HIS PARENTS!! I was and still am devistated. He says that he's not serious with this person but why is he taking her to meet his parents? I don't want her meeting my child. I know I can't stop him from doing anything like that while its "his time" but I wish I could. I feel like I'm grasping for air and there isn't any. I need some real advice. I don't know what to do. I don't know why he's doing this. Please help.

~scared247

 
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Old 09-13-2004, 07:55 PM   #2
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seawater HB User
Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

You said that you have been divorced a year. I think you need to let him go. Heís moved on. You need to do the same. If you donít, youíll be in agony the rest of your life.

Iím sure your hurt cuts to the bone. But dwelling on some fantasy that someday youíll get back together isnít the answer. It sounds like he may have dropped some hints to that affect. Heís probably scared too and looks at you as a safety net just in case things donít work out.

Focus on why you both got divorced. Maybe it might clarify things for you.

 
Old 09-13-2004, 08:02 PM   #3
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Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

Scared - I don't know if I have any advise for you, but I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a friend who went through this very thing and she went through hell. Her husband fell in love with and started cheating on her with a woman 18 years his senior, and 3 kids, and he left my friend and married this woman and turned into a total jerk. They did end up getting divorced, but who knows why men do the things they do? I think the only thing you can do right now is surround yourself with as much of a support system as you can, maybe you can join a divorce support group as well as those classes, spend time with friends and family, and do what you can to be good to yourself whenever possible. Just remember that even though his actions don't make any sense, unfortunately you can't control them. He has to go his own way and make his own mistakes. You need to stop asking why, because I found out myself there's no answer to that question, no answer that would satisfy you, anyway, I mean, think about it, is there anything he could tell you that would satisfy the why? Just focus on moving on from here and building your life and being proud of the you you are. And vent here. It does help.

 
Old 09-13-2004, 08:24 PM   #4
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Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

Lives with his parents??!! Seeing an older woman 15 years his senior? Does he want a wifey or a mommy? You need to let him go...Don't let him "dangle" hope in front of you...Divorce happens for a reason. It must be incredibly hard to deal with because a child is involved, but hopefully he will use good judgement when introducing another into the equation. If not, then you definitely know it's time to move on with your life. As long as your with your child, and your child is number one...nothing else matters. Not him, not his old girlfriend and her 3 kids...nothing...Your child is your future. He doesn't deserve you!!

 
Old 09-14-2004, 03:45 AM   #5
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promisez HB User
Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

He doesn't have to live his life trying to make you "feel good" any longer. He pays his support evidently and has been given visitation rights and those are his to do as he pleases. Be thankful he doesn't use the child as a weapon as some people do. As for the age difference, as long as they are happy together it's nobodys business but theirs and nobody but them needs "to know the details". You need to stop allowing that hope he gives you from moving on yourself. In effect, you are still in that relationship and havent grown at all as an individual. Seperate your feelings for him for a year, focus on your own growth and the right person will come along and love you for who you are and not what they think you can do for them. Positive attitudes draw positive people.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 06:21 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by scared247
We've been divorced for 1yr and during that year we were on/off.
~scared247


Thats the problem....When you divorce then that means it the last straw and you both stay away or just get back together. You both were on/off during that year and that kept you feelings still there for him. In his mind he had no intention on getting back together but you did deep down.

This is the past now and you do need to move on. Stop seeing in on/off if you havn't allready. Now go to counseling to get some help so you can heel over this and move on.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 10:03 AM   #7
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scared247 HB User
Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Thats the problem....When you divorce then that means it the last straw and you both stay away or just get back together. You both were on/off during that year and that kept you feelings still there for him. In his mind he had no intention on getting back together but you did deep down.

This is the past now and you do need to move on. Stop seeing in on/off if you havn't allready. Now go to counseling to get some help so you can heel over this and move on.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 10:06 AM   #8
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Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....



did you mean to post something?

 
Old 09-14-2004, 10:07 AM   #9
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scared247 HB User
Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

It's so easy to say all of that if you haven't gone through it yourself. It's so upsetting because he's choosing this person over his own child. I've tried to let him see our child more but he wont because he's with her now. I just feel horrible because my child is missing out on his father and I can't do anything about it.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 10:12 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

You are just hurt because he went on with someone else. I am sure he does adore his child but you both got a divorce because thing couldnt' work and as you see here even being off and on it still didn't work. This is not what you wanted to happen but it did. Have you tried counseling??

 
Old 09-14-2004, 10:13 AM   #11
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scared247 HB User
Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

Thank you all for your replies they mean a lot to me. I know I can't do anything about him seeing who he wants I just hope he realizes that his child should come first. I think he is looking for a "mommy figure" because his mom is always doing everything for him all the time and even though he's old enough to be his own man he's still a little boy with no responsibilities. When we were married we lived walking distance from his parents and he was always up there and never with "us". That says a lot huh.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 10:18 AM   #12
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Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

You are right and his child should come first but dont use the child to get him back. I am not trying to be hard here but it seems like you are trying to get him back.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 06:47 PM   #13
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Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

I'm not trying to get back at him. He told me that he didn't want anything to do with me way before he told me about the other woman. He said he only wanted me to call if it was an emergency and I can't do that. If he has him during the week I like to call and make sure he's okay and talk to him but he wouldn't allow that. He said no calls unless emergency. So, we went to the schedule that the divorce decree says he told me he didn't care. I've also tried to let him talk to his child on the phone many times and he gets a call from her and cuts him off. Our child is more important than that woman and he's putting him off. We talked about him possibly getting him once a week and he said "whatever I can get just let me know at any time" so I called him to see if he wanted him all night and he said no he was with her. It's not me keeping our child away from him its that he doesn't want to see him or talk to him whenever she's in the picture. That's his fault not mine. If he wants to be like that he'll regret it when he wakes up and realizes what he's done. I've tried and that's all I could do. I'm not trying anymore. I just wonder how her three kids (4,7,&16) are going to take it when mommy says she's seeing a guy that could be there older brother.

Last edited by scared247; 09-14-2004 at 06:50 PM. Reason: sp error

 
Old 09-14-2004, 09:48 PM   #14
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Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

As long as your ex husband is exploring a new relationship I think it is commendable that he doesn't have your son stay the night if she is there. I think that is very responsible of him. How much notice did you give him about taking your son overnight? I do disagree with him not letting you talk to your son while he is with him. You should be able to talk to your child whenever you like or whenever he likes as long as it is reasonable, such as telling your son goodnight. It is his time with your son and should not be intruded on. And as far as him dating an older woman it really isn't any of your business. As long as she treats your son well (if she has met him) that should be your only concern. It is time to move on. There is a reason you divorced. I have been there so I know what you are going through. I married my highschool not so sweet heart at 18. He cheated on me and we were divorced by the time I was 20. A week after our divorce was final he married the woman he cheated on me with. By the way we do have a daughter together. I hated the thought of her being around our child. I think deep down I thought that she was trying to take my place of being a mom. After I realized that wasn't it, it started getting a little easier to deal with. I still don't like her because she has bad morals but I tolerate her because of my daughter. You may not think so now but the pain finally does subside. Just to let you know that the right person for you is out there but he won't find you if you are obsessing at home over your EX husbands new older girlfriend. Life is too short, start living. Good luck to you.

Last edited by Soldier's Wife; 09-14-2004 at 09:51 PM.

 
Old 09-15-2004, 05:36 AM   #15
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Re: HELP!Divorced and he's seeing an older woman.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by scared247
I'm not trying to get back at him. He told me that he didn't want anything to do with me way before he told me about the other woman. .

Then why did you continue the off/on relationship after the divorce. Look deep down and tell me your feelings are gone.

 
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