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Old 02-07-2005, 09:59 AM   #1
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Ornament HB User
"Divorce"

Hello,

This is my first time on this board...And I would appreciate a few opinions, if you-all would be so kind. For the first time - in my life...I'm contemplating - getting a divorce. I've been with him for 20+ years. And for the past 2.5 yrs. - My life has turned upside down. He has become - disrespectful, inconsiderate and self-centered. He's a great father, provider and friend to his friends, but, a lousy husband...Basically, we're roommates....And I'm miserable...I know most couples divorce over money issues and infidelity. So, I'm wondering, if I'm out of line, by thinking of filing for a divorce...Of course, I have my own issues. But, do these reasons sound ligimate or is life really suppose to be this way and I should just put up with all of it. Any thoughts, experiences would be welcomed.......Thanks for your time, -ShinyOrnament

 
Old 02-07-2005, 10:19 AM   #2
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Music4All HB User
Re: "Divorce"

You did not mention marriage counseling. I would at least go through this process to be able to say you gave it a last legitimate chance and to support your own feelings on this.

The reasons you give are legitimate, but I would go this final step to offer a chance to step up or not for both parties.

 
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Old 02-07-2005, 10:34 AM   #3
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heartlandguy HB User
Re: "Divorce"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shinyornament
- My life has turned upside down.
- He has become - disrespectful, inconsiderate and self-centered.
Please clarify a few things. What is the connection between the above two statements? Which came first?

 
Old 02-07-2005, 11:51 AM   #4
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Re: "Divorce"

First of all - thank-you for your responses.

I'm sorry, I should of clarified....I just didn't want to be too wordy and overwhelm anyone. And of course, I'm stressed out over all of it.

Music4All ~ I mentioned marriage counseling to him and he won't go...He doesn't think - he has any issues. Honestly, I'm not in love with him anymore, nor do I think counseling would help, it's been going on for too long. Because, too much time has went by and neither one of us, are willing to change. Hence, him controlling me and me - allowing him to control me.

Heartlandguy ~ His disrespect and inconsideration, has caused my life to be turned upside down....I kept blaming myself - thinking I was doing something wrong - for him to treat me this way. I then believed it was me and I changed how I approached him, chose my words more carefully, tried not to nag - asked for help and he just humored (lied) to me and did what he felt like doing or did nothing at all. Then, he told me that - he won't changed and that I need to "just deal with it".....

Hopefully, this makes sense.....Thanks - for listening/reading....-ShinyOrnament

 
Old 02-07-2005, 01:22 PM   #5
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hillaryb HB User
Re: "Divorce"

Try counseling by yourself. I do believe that you have to earn your divorce. Exhaust all avenues to repair your marriage, and that way you leave with the peace of mind that comes with knowing you did everything you could to save the marriage.

That said, it sounds as if it may be in your best interest to leave. Of course, noone here can tell you what to do for sure, but I say, counseling (I know you said he would not go but a counselor may help you at least deal with him better) alot of soul-searching and preparation, and finally, if all else fails, legal counsel--make sure you have an exit plan before you leave.

Though I do not take the idea of marriage lightly, I dont think that anyone should stay in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship, if it absolutely can not be fixed. I do wish you luck. I was almost in your shoes last year, but we managed to work it out. I wish you happiness no matter what you choose!

 
Old 02-07-2005, 03:15 PM   #6
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Re: "Divorce"

HillaryB ~

Thank-you soooooooo much. I truly "felt" your words...About, 1yr. ago - I had an appt. with a counseler (to go by myself) and had to cancel it. Due to some issues - with my children. I'm just so tired of being so miserable. I'm tired of trying, it feels like - I'm trying to push an elephant up a steep hill. And I've really given up. I think part of the problem, lies in the fact that we got married - so young. I was 17yrs. and he was 23yrs. And now, I'm 40 yrs. old and people change...I'm not the same naive girl I was then and somehow I feel that he resents/hates me for that. I think he should be thrilled that I have grown into confident, determined, strong-hearted woman, however, it just pisses him off. He's not very supportive...So, now I'm tired of it all and he shows no interest in me - personally. His only concerns are his kids, his work and himself and it really just sickens me. Seems, we're not growing as a "couple", he's quite content with himself and wants nothing more out of life. But, I do. Thankx again, for sharing your thoughts....I'm glad I stumpled across this board....
Sunshine & smiles, -ShinyOrn

P.S. One more thing, I need to come up with a "plan", but besides paying off my debt....I don't know what else my plan should entale.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 07:19 PM   #7
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Re: "Divorce"

If you do leave, and have young children, research custody laws in your state. Also research things like alimony/division of property, even debt and who is responsible for paying off what. Your counselor can actually help guide you if you do choose to leave. Ive worked around several therapists and they can serve as both emotional support and also they tend to know what attorneys are good (they work closely with alot of attorneys in alot of cases). I never reached the point of coming up with and researching an exit plan, so I cant really be of much help there.

Your first step in making a decision will be therapy. I therapist can help you gain new perspective on your situation, and from there you will have a better idea of what to do. Also, keep in mind, there are alot of great therapists out there, but not all are a perfect fit to each prospective client. If one isnt working for you, you could still find one who does. Dont give up. I feel for you. I know what it feels like to have your life turn upside down, but remember, whatever happens will be a new beginning,and you will have the potential to be much happier.

 
Old 02-07-2005, 08:42 PM   #8
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kiki315 HB User
Re: "Divorce"

although im not an expert-my parents have been married for 36 years. Like yourself they married young(my mom was 18 and dad was 25). There were times where they felt like giving up. Hard times.. especially when money was low or they weren't seeing eye to eye, but they realized that these were the times they had to pull together rather than fall apart. Yes people do change, and certainly feelings can too.. but don't you deserve to give your love a fair chance?? I think its really important to talk to your spouse about your feelings.. does he know that you're contemplating leaving him?? If he knew two things could happen... he could agree with you and it would be a mutual decision in which you may have fallen out of love over the years, or he could realize hes been taking you for granted and change his ways... I'd let him know your viewpoint so he could Shape up or Ship out!

 
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