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Old 08-02-2005, 10:42 PM   #1
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Will he ever get a divorce, help!

I've been going out with a guy for 18 months, who has been separated for 10 years. We have talked about a future of living together, having kids - which he brought up early in the relationship. Early on I found out he was not divorced. I have asked him repeatedly to get a divorce during this time. Each time he says yes he will, he understands how I feel, I'll do it next week, next month. 6 months ago I thought I made it very clear that I wouldn't talk about it again, if he didn't do it soon, we did not have a future and we were over. He was in tears and to his credit he got the papers the next week, filled them in, gave them to his wife, who happened to be in a bad mood that day, who threw them back at him telling him to fill them in, and she would just sign them. We then went overseas for a few weeks and came back on shaky grounds, but now we seem to be back on track. I want to bring it up AGAIN. I'm tired of waiting for him, should I wait, should I discuss it again, should I just say I'm not seeing you again until you get a divorce. I'm nearly 40 and want to plan for a future. Help.

 
Old 08-02-2005, 11:19 PM   #2
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

You have every right to bring it up with him again.

Does he know your plans of a future with him, he should know you have been waiting. You should encourage him to fill in the spots and take a trip by the wifes to have her sign her life away.

Right now it just seems so sensless to stay married when they have been seperated for 10 years as it is.

If he doesnt get things done within a few weeks let him know one more time that this will be his final "warning" so to speak or even tell him that next time you bring it up. He should understand your position here. Saying and Doing are two different things....

 
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Old 08-03-2005, 05:50 AM   #3
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

Not only do you have a right, but you also would be very smart to bring this up to him again. You're nearly 40 and it's not fair to you that he should be taking all this time if he shares your desire to have a future together. I don't know what in the world motivates him to stay separated (i.e. in a state of "limbo") for 10 years and not get it over with and get a divorce, but it's not your problem. It looks like both him and his wife are playing some kind of a ridiculous "game," because I don't understand why she doesn't want to divorce him after all this time, either. One thing for sure: you don't want to be in the middle of it, and you've invested enough time and emotions in this man at this point. I don't think you should waste anymore time waiting because chances are, if left to his own devices, this man will procrastinate for another ten years to come, and may even die separated and not fully divorced. I think you should be firm and insist on him getting the divorce finalized ASAP. His wife throwing the papers at him is a lame excuse. I'm afraid that if he doesn't put things into motion within the next few weeks, you might have to leave him, unfortunately. Sometimes that's the only way to get a man like that off his butt and motivated. Unless, of course, you don't mind remaining in a relationship with a married man (essentially that's what he is, in a legal sense, at least) for the foreseeable future. Good luck!

 
Old 08-03-2005, 12:40 PM   #4
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

Separated for 10 years and the wife still is so mad that she throws the papers in his face? Have you asked him why it's taken so long to get the ball rolling? I know divorces can be hard and messy and scary and expensive, but let's face it, the bottom line is, when you really want to get a divorce and get on with your life, that's what you do. This guy obviously doesn't really want to get a divorce. I agree with Sophia. If you let him, he'll waste another 10 years still thinking about doing something to move forward. I think you've already let him know how you feel. The choice is yours. Do you want to find someone who loves you enough to want to be free to marry you, or do you love this guy enough to settle for being his girlfriend while he has a wife somehwhere?

 
Old 08-03-2005, 01:36 PM   #5
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

If you decide to give him an ultimatim, you had better stick to it! They don't work, unless you do. That's what I would do. Tell him if he doesn't file his divorce papers within a certain time frame (you must decide that, but I wouldn't make it more than two or three months), then you will end the relationship for good. NO IF'S, AND'S, OR BUT'S ABOUT IT! Don't let him manipulate you into staying any longer after that. He's had plenty of time to make a decision. It's now or never! Good luck.

 
Old 08-07-2005, 11:34 PM   #6
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

Thanks so much guys. Sometimes it is good to get a perspective other than your own. I think I am just weak. What you all said is all correct. I know I need to give him that ultimatum, say do it by then end of September or I will end this relationship. "SophiaM" you are right, there does seem to be some sort of game, I don't understand either why she wouldn't want a divorce to finalise things either. I was going to bring the ultimatum up this weekend past, but again didn't. Although some talk was had about moving in together, and I said well you need to get your act together don't you? He reckons by the end of the year we should be living together, but no mention was had about the divorce. I have made it very clear that I will NOT live with him if he is still married. This is eating me up big time, so I know I must deliver that ultimatum. And soon. I can't keep living waiting and hoping. "Hiya" I do love him, but I am sick of just being this girlfriend who will keep on loving him while he is still married. I do want someone to love me enough to marry me. I certainly do. Thanks again all. I will keep you posted.

 
Old 08-14-2005, 07:37 PM   #7
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

Just an update on what's happening. Last Thursday night I brought up the divorce again and how I was feeling. I knew it would cause tension, but I can't keep it all inside. I tried to make him understand and talk through things again. It was like he just didn't want to discuss it. He couldn't even look me in the eye most of the time. I asked him just to please tell me if he had no intentions of getting a divorce and to not keep stringing me along. He said it wasn't that. He seems to have an excuse every single time I bring it up. At first it was that he just never had got around to it, then it was why should he have to pay for it and not his wife, then it was he didn't have the money, then it was I will do it next week. I know we went overseas while he was in the process of finalising the papers, but now it's "well I thought we were over when we came back from overseas" (we had some major issues at the end of our holiday!). I said well we are back together now, so that isn't an excuse, and besides I had been asking him for over a year before we went overseas. Of course I got emotional and was crying and I accused him of not having any respect or love for me, if he couldn't do this one thing for me, when I have told him how much it hurts me, and how insecure I am now starting to feel, then it was over, I just couldn't continue to go out with a married man who wasn't committed to me. He reckons that he loves me, but he feels like we are starting all over again, and he is cautious of getting hurt. Which I can take on board, but it has nothing to do with him getting a divorce. I was so upset I left, he didn't or couldn't say don't leave, I will do it I promise. I had accused him of breaking promises to me, so then he said "well I won't promise you that I will do it next week or next month, cos then I won't break another promise". That set warning bells off, like he knew he wasn't going to do it. He reckons his last girlfriend, who he lived with, never asked him to get a divorce, I just said well maybe it didn't bother her, it does me. She wasn't committed anyway to him, cos she went overseas for a long while without him. Anyway, Sunday arvo I circled 2nd September on his calendar and told him this was the deadline for him getting his divorce. That's 3 weeks. I know I have to stick to this, and if he doesn't do it, leave him. It's just not fair. We have a lot of love for each other, and have no other problems in our relationship. I can't understand why he won't do this. Will let you know if he does it or not. PS it will only cost him $300 and some writing time!! No lawyers are needed. KC

 
Old 08-14-2005, 07:55 PM   #8
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

Koala-

Good luck, giving him a deadline was the best thing to do. I can see why he would want his wife to take part, but if it's going to happen it doesnt matter who pays for it, this needs to happen before the two of you can go forward in your own relationship, and he should understand this.

I hope for your sake he does get the papers signed and cough up the 300, if that's what it takes to make you happy, and help you come to the feeling that this relationship will last then he should be getting started on this asap!!

Good luck, and i hope he does the right thing here!

 
Old 08-14-2005, 08:08 PM   #9
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

KC, please don't take offense to what I will say, but.....

My husband and I were seperated for 5 years. I did file for divorce, but the papers just sort of sat there and never finalized. Even though we each had other people in our lives, we never let go of each other completely as we had 10 years behind us. We put our marriage back together after the 5 years and are fine now.

I'm not saying that your boyfriend and his wife will get back together, but I'm thinking maybe he harbors these thoughts? Or maybe she does and that is why she threw the papers at him? I mean 10 years is a long time and they should have already divided up the china!!! My husband and I had already went thru that part of it.

So are you sure they have no involvement with each other? Because when things were bad, it was my husband, who was supposed to be my ex, that I turned to and he to me.

I just wanted to point that out and I hope I don't upset you too much.

 
Old 08-15-2005, 06:26 AM   #10
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

KC, you did the right thing. He really wouldn't have ever gotten a divorce otherwise. He gives you some very lame excuses. For all intents and purposes, he's been "divorced" for ten years now, so it's not like a new situation to him and something that would cause him to be afraid of "getting hurt." Pleeeeaze. We are all afraid of getting hurt and yet we take the risk with someone we care about. It's honestly very strange that he's dragging his feet like that for so long. $300 is not a whole lot of money--he can afford it! After all, he's been "saving" for ten years, no? You can even offer to help with the paperwork, just so he has no more excuses whatsoever. If he doesn't do it now, I'm afraid he'll never do it. You do deserve a man who is free to commit to you and it's extremely unfair of him to be stringing you along and making promises he then doesn't deliver. I hope that he will finally get the ball rolling and that everything works out the way you want it to. But, if by any chance he still refuses to get divorced and you walk away, at least you know that you have tried everything and that this man was just a lost cause because he would never be able to give you the commitment you want and deserve. Good luck!

 
Old 08-15-2005, 06:34 AM   #11
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ibeeshell
So are you sure they have no involvement with each other? Because when things were bad, it was my husband, who was supposed to be my ex, that I turned to and he to me.
I was thinking that too. Are you sure there's nothing going on between them, emotionally at least (which could be worse than a purely physical involvement)? It's just very odd that she would be so upset after 10 years of being separated that she threw the papers in his face, and that he himself is not eager to get this over with, either. Doesn't make sense whatsoever. Do they have children together?

 
Old 08-15-2005, 08:25 PM   #12
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

No I really don't have any doubts about any involvement between them. She threw the papers back at him not because they were divorce papers, she just was generally in a bad mood that night and he took the brunt of it, like quite often he does. I do believe there is something there, caring etc. They were together 15 years. Married for 8 I think. Yes they do have 2 children together. He told me a long time ago that there is no love there between them, and that if it wasn't for the kids, there would be no contact at all with her. I do believe that. She has said, and others have said that he has changed since he met me (18 months ago). He used to spend a lot more time at her house, to spend time with the kids, he used to stay for dinner and then put them to bed, they were young when they split up. They are 14 and nearly 10 now. But since being with me, he really only picks them up and drops them home, perhaps only staying if he has to for some reason. Most times they get on quite amicably. Which I think is good, because I come from divorced parents and they didn't get on and its was horrible for many years. So I'm all for a nice happy environment for the kids. He doesn't turn to her for anything. I really can't summise any more on why he hasn't or won't get a divorce. The fact at the moment is that I have asked him many times and he hasn't done it. I know he is quite lazy with things, there are many other jobs/tasks that he laggs his feet with, believe me! But if I keep letting him get away with it every time I ask and every time he doesn't, then nothing will change. That is why I had to give him the deadline. They actually did all the sorting out when they split up. They used lawyers to sort the money out, kids etc. Just didn't use the lawyer to finalise the divorce papers at the same time. They sold their house, split up money, and she took his superannuation. He also pays about $250 a week on maintenance for his kids. And she still asks for money for certain things. She works too. With rent and other bills, he lives modestly. Anyway, time will tell. Thanks for your comments, it really helps. KC

 
Old 08-16-2005, 04:35 AM   #13
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

The only logical reason I can think of for all these excuses is that he doesn't want to marry you, sorry to say that, but I think it's true. If he did want to marry you, then he'd get divorced from his wife...there has to be some reason he's putting up such a fuss, and I don't think any of them bode well for your relationship, unfortunately. He could also be terrified of commitment or still involved with his wife, but I think the bottom line is that he doesn't want to marry you, so he doesn't want the divorce because then what excuse would he have not to propose to you? If marriage is important to you, I would definitely recommend that you cut your losses here and move on.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 06:34 AM   #14
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

koala, have you met his children? Spent time with them or has he kept them separate from your life with him?

Are you preparing yourself to actually end things on Sept. 3rd?
Or to go to the courthouse to verifiy that there really is a finalized divorce if he tells you that there is?

Either way you have some valuable insight into having a relationship with a separated man. No matter how this turns out you may find it helpful (and worthwhile to people here) to share your experience with others -

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 08-16-2005 at 06:34 AM.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 08:31 PM   #15
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Re: Will he ever get a divorce, help!

Yes I am prepared to "cut my losses" on 2 September. I love him dearly, but if he's not going, or isn't at, where I am and want to be, I have to move on. I'm not saying I want to marry him this minute, or that I want to move in with him this minute, but I do want that, for my fututre. I would like it to be with him, cos every other aspect of our relationship is really good. Yes maybe he is scared of that "final" commitment, so staying married is like a safey net. He lived with a previous girlfriend for 3 years and they were talking about buying a house together before she decided she wanted to travel, for months not just a holiday, and didn't consider that he couldn't leave his kids that long. He started our relationship, he wanted me, he told me he had wanted to be with me for a couple of years, I didn't know this. We were friends through a mutual friend. He told me he would be open to having kids with me if I wanted them.

I am close to his kids. He introduced them to me after the first week. We get on great. No probs there. We are involved in every aspect of each others lives. I get on great with his parents and family. We spend weekends together and at least 1 night during the week.

I have tried to let this go, and just be able to go with the flow, and things will work out. But I do know that I will never live with him, or go into any financial situation with him while he is still married "legally". And every one of my girlfriends agree wholeheartedly with me.

Advice for others, don't get involved with a married man, whether he is still with them or not, if you want more than just being the girlfriend with her own life.

 
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