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Divorce & Separation Message Board
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Old 09-10-2005, 03:23 AM   #1
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markline HB User
Ultimatum - divorcee or divorcer?

I've posted here twice before - a summary can be found [URL=http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?p=1904088&mode=linear#pos t1904088]here[/URL].

My dilema at the moment, as well as still shock and despair of whats happening is that I've got an ultimatum from my "wife"... I've got literally 48 hours to decide whether to divorce my wife or she'll divorce me. Some would say it doesn't matter who is the one actually filing the divorce - but to me, I think it would matter.

In summary, after the best part of 10 years, my wife said that it was over, has found somewhere else to live and will be gone very shortly. She also isn't even interested in trying to get things back on track.

She wants the divorce to happen immediately, and if I don't divorce her, she will divorce me on unreasonable grounds. If I divorce her, then I think I can easily come up with unreasonable grounds.

Possibly from a pride or confidence perspective, if she divorces me on unreasonable grounds (even though she admits that she couldn't really come up with any solid reasons - she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore), she would have to make up some substantial reasons to satisfy the courts... Shes told me what reasons she'd use which are not close to a true reflection of things.

I'm the one who still wants to keep the family together and shes the one taking it apart. This in itself is a big enough blow. To then be the divorcee rather than the divorcer would I think feel like another big blow - especially as the reasons who effectively be lies. It would be like kicking a man when hes already down...

I'd value anyone's thoughts as my 48 hours is getting shorter with every keypress.... The only mistake I don't want to make is to look back in X years time and realise that "emotional baggage" is due to who divorced who.

I may be making too much out of this and if you think so then please say. My mind is working overtime at the moment with all thats going on and the above may be irrational thoughts...

 
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Old 09-10-2005, 05:18 AM   #2
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Ultimatum - divorcee or divorcer?

I'm so sorry it's come to this Markline...
Personally I believe the stigma lies on the one who walks away from the marriage and will not consider repairing it at all.
Anyone who knows you (including yourself) should be quietly told that it was not your choice (I'm purposely not using the word "fault") but hers.

If I were in your shoes they would have to divorce me. Do the work themselves, pay the court costs. I'd also see a lawyer (if you haven't already). Do NOT share a lawyer no matter how much "easier" you are told that would be.

Once again, my heart goes out to you... You have every right to feel devastated.
A small voice in your ear for the future?
Please watch the level of bitterness & how deeply you allow the cynicism to get.
They are more corrosive to yourself & future relationships than to the person you were hurt by..
Hugs from cyberspace to you,
Ruth

 
Old 09-10-2005, 07:24 AM   #3
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Ultimatum - divorcee or divorcer?

I agree with Ruth, and I too am very sorry you're going through this. I can't say I've ever been in your shoes, but I think that if I was I would not want to be the one to file for divorce. I'd want to know I did everything I could to keep my marriage vows, and I didn't "give up". It sounds like that's what your wife is doing- giving up.
Personally, I can't think of a single reason why you should file for the divorce. Then again, I've never been married and don't know some of the technicalities and legal issues in divorce.

 
Old 09-10-2005, 09:15 AM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Ultimatum - divorcee or divorcer?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
I agree with Ruth, and I too am very sorry you're going through this. I can't say I've ever been in your shoes, but I think that if I was I would not want to be the one to file for divorce. I'd want to know I did everything I could to keep my marriage vows, and I didn't "give up". It sounds like that's what your wife is doing- giving up.
Personally, I can't think of a single reason why you should file for the divorce. Then again, I've never been married and don't know some of the technicalities and legal issues in divorce.
I agree with Ruth and LittleRose. I would let the person who wants the divorce take the initiative in these proceedings. It's not your choice so why should you be the one to file? Also, in the future, if you meet another woman you'd like to be serious with, I think she will appreciate the fact that you are a committed partner who did everything possible to save his marriage. I'm sorry you have to go through this, Markline. I think your wife will realize what a fool she was for leaving you one day. Hopefully by then you will be happilly involved with someone else who appreciates you and treats you well.

 
Old 09-10-2005, 09:50 AM   #5
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evy38 HB User
Re: Ultimatum - divorcee or divorcer?

I agree, make her pay the filing costs, but get your own laywer. Sounds like she wants out but doesn't want to be "blamed" for ending it. She threathens you with filing on lies, so you'll file for her. She wants it? Well, let her pay for it.

 
Old 09-10-2005, 06:20 PM   #6
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: Ultimatum - divorcee or divorcer?

Why is she giving YOU the ultimatum? She walked away, you didn't. Make her do the work, make her the bad one, because she is. That is, unless you cheated, abused or something sinister like that. Don't buy into her threats either, she can't just "make up" stories!

In some states irriconciliable differences, I know I butchered the spelling LOL, is all it takes for a divorce. Is your state different?

Keep your chin up, Mark!

 
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