Hello. This is the first time I've posted something here and am looking for some advice. I've been married for a number of years to a woman that I thought truly loved me. A little about myself if I may. I don't smoke, use drugs, and drink very little alcohol. I always provided well for my family and spent lots of quality time with them. For many years I've taken time to help others in need, now i find myself needing help. This is a very difficult spot to be in and one I never dreamed would happen to me.
My wife has always had a problem with her anger and her ability to control it. Over the years she used to berate me with foul language, name calling, threats of divorcing me, and sometimes would physically hit me. By the time all was said and done, even though I stuck to the marriage and my wife, I felt like I was in a dark hole from which I could not pull myself out of. I basically felt totally emasculated.
My wife took less and less interest in having any type of a decent sexual relationship with me even though I would do anything to please her before I would please myself. Because of my love of her, I would pretty much overlook her faults and would have done anything for her. Despite all that, she always threatened to divorce me, and always blamed our problems on me. She seemed to have a problem accepting any blame for our relationship problems. We even tried counseling on several occasions, but that didn't help. I really tried everything I could, but nothing seemed to help. I know I may not have been perfect (who is), but I never thought my wife would be loving one minute and cold the next. Kinda like a Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hide thing.
About 2 and a half years ago I found out that she was having an affair with a coworker. It really broke my heart. I confronted her and she really blew her stack. We managed to talk it out, go to counseling and, ultimately, I forgave her. Unfortunately, I found out that she had and was having two more affairs up to the time I asked her for a divorce (one affair lasted about two years). I didn't tell her I knew of the affairs because she just would have denied them. But it was the truth, she was having the them. I never gave her a reason to cheat on me, and always tried to do what was right as a husband, father, and human being. I have a job that is very honorable, perform a lot of community service, and also take care of myself physically. I don't know what else I could have done to make my wife want to have a sexual relationship with me (sometimes we'd go a month or longer without sex), or to prevent her from having affairs - atleast ones that I know of.
Due to her violence and anger issues, I was forced to get a restraining order against her. She blames me for that since she had to leave our home. She does not accept any responsibility. Before all this even happened, I found out that she called my employer and told them numerous lies in order to get me fired. Now I might be losing my job. How can she be so mean and devious? Can anybody explain why my soon to be ex-wife is like she is, and what can I do to protect myself and our child from her? Please help!
Last edited by MaleVictim; 09-16-2005 at 12:27 PM.
Reason: More likely to get advice
There could be a hundred different reasons why your wife is the way she is, from childhood traumas to something wired wrong in her brain that renders her inable to edit herself or control her anger, or some other personality disorder. But none of that is your concern anymore. The important thing for you to know is that you tried the best you knew how, and you did not cause or create her bad behavior.
If I were you, I'd set up an appointment with a lawyer asap to protect your and your child's legal rights and to do what you can to protect you both from her violence. Good luck.
Thank you for your response! Yes, I truly did try my best. Perhaps you're right about there being 100 reasons. I forgot to mention that as soon as we became "legally separated", she found herself a boyfriend. In fact, that's who she is living with. This guy may be ok now, but he had a substance abuse problem and even did some jail time. How in the world my wife could go from having a good decent family, husband, and home to having various affairs and now claiming to be in love with a recovering substance abuser / former prisoner is besides me! She doesn't know I'm aware of all this, but it just boggles my mind. My child is old enough to be aware of all this and feels sad about the things my wife has done. I did not discuss these seedy acts with my child, but these things were overheard when my wife was talking on the phone to various friends / lovers. I don't want my child growing up scarred for life because of my wife's mental / emotional problems. My wife has had a lot of counseling on her own and is even on a couple of different meds for a number of years. I guess she will always be who she is...self centered and uncaring about the emotions and needs of not only me, but more importantly, our child. I could use the support from the people on this board, and most of all, from God. Sorry if I sound like a complainer.
Hey, Just wanted to say that I am going thru the exact same thing--in reverse of the sexes tho. Happened last February, and we are doing fine now. I mean, financially it sucks, but I am way happier now that I see how unhappy I really was with him.
Getting out, getting a lawyer, doing some work on myself, and having really great friends has helped immensely. The simple point is you and your kid deserve way better, and if you're not there yet--you will be--just give it time.
I wouldn't take my H back if he were the last man on earth, but took me a while to get there. Went thru all the self blame, anxiety attacks, crying, and feeling like I would never be ok again. Then one day--almost just like that--I was all cried out and over it. He's an idiot and I wasted way too much of my life trying to make it work with an abusive partner.
I often wonder why my x treats all of us like such dirt--financially, anger wise, everything--but that fact is--it doesn't matter. I am there for my kids, providing stability, and when htey are not around--I am having a wild time socially. I hadnt been able to do that in a long time, and it feels good right now. I know I'll settle down again sometime soon--but right now it's what I need. I like the affirmation, attention, and the interaction. It's not for everyone, but it works for me a s a balance in my life--kinda getting myself back that had been squashed for so long.
Be careful tho, as I rebounded and really fell for a guy who was not right for me. He was a real liar, and it's been rough going thru the two things so close together. Now things are just casual with friends, some dates, but mostly just friends. I'm not ready for a real relationship I don't think, but keeping my heart as open as possible--while very guarded.
Are you going out at all? Do you share custody at all? How old is your child? I know this is all very difficult right now--but I do promise it gets easier and way more fun to just be yourself and not have to constantly walk on eggshells around someone. I know you know that feeling with a spouse like that--and it is going to really feel good not to have to do that anymore. It's honestly the BEST part. Take care!!
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You seem like such a loving and devoted husband and you don't deserve this treatment. It's not a punishment, though, and it's important not to think of it that way or else you will always carry around anger over it.
It sounds like your wife has lost herself. Her violence and anger problems are likely indicators of a deeper-rooted psychological problem. But like Hiya said, it could be a hundred different things that caused her behavior. You may never know WHY. All you know is she has made several poor decisions which she's most likely going to look back on with intense regret and sorrow. There's nothing you could have done differently to prevent her from having an affair. Please understand that. No human being should EVER blame themselves for their spouse's affair. Under no circumstances whatsoever is an affair an excusable thing or something you can blame on someone else. It was her conscious decision, and you were good to her. Even if you were abusive to her, a separation or a divorce should have come before an affair on her list of possible actions to take.
Divorce is a very painful thing, and even more-so when she's trying to sabatoge your job and hurt you physically! I'm in a situation right now where I have someone harassing me and threatening my job success and everything I hold precious in life. I don't know what to do or how to protect myself. At least you were able to get a restraining order and get her out of the house before she harmed you.
Remember that it will get better. Just cut her out of your life as much as you can and concentrate on a loving relationship with your child. Be thankful for that, and never take it for granted. Feel sorry for your wife. I do, and I don't even know her. That way if you feel sorry for her, you will be less likely to feel angry towards her.
I am so sorry to hear of what you have gone through. I commend you for trying to stick it out. It must have been a very difficult decision to do what you did.
Anyways, although I was not married to my recent exBF, and my relationship with him was much much shorter than yours, it seems like I was reading what I could have written with the exception of there was no physical abuse. Short of that, I was on the receiving end of much verbal abuse, the definite Jekyl and Hide personality (even though the first 6 or 7 months of our relationship was truly magical), the lies, taking no responsibility for anything, withdrawal, and then an affair.
I will tell you what I know about my ex because it is very possible your wife shares something similar.
My ex is Bipolar but I do not believe his behaviors were the result of this illness. He experienced all sorts of abuse as a child and he has never worked through these issues properly. As a result, when he is in any type of serious relationship, as soon as he hits a trigger point, things start breaking down. It can get quite confusing because one does not have to have an abusive past to display such behavior. Borderline Personality Disorder shares a lot of overlapping symptoms/behaviors and Passive Agressive personalities (resulting from something such as BP or PTSD or .....?) can also be a factor.
I do get that although the relationship with your wife is over, it helps to have some closure or understanding of the WHY's. Please try not to fall into the trap of thinking that it was your fault or you did this or that you could have fixed her. Trust me - been there, done that and STILL working on it.
Hope this helps and I do have to add, I could also be way off base. This was merely one point of view.
I would like to thank the folks that have replied to my post. You are all kind people. The reason I had to file a restraining order was because my wife threatened to kill me witrh a knife. She also contacted some family members and told one that she wanted to go into our kitchen and get the biggest butcher knife she could find and stab me to death. I wasn't so concerned with my safety as I was for my son's safety. I also knew that if I walked back into my home and did nothing, she would have called the police and lied to get a restraining order against me. Even though I would never have touched her, the police would be forced to follow through. I tried to keep things amicable during the divorce process so that she could get herself situated, but she also began spending a lot of the money from our joint checking account and never had a good reason. It was my belief that she would have eventually depleted it even though I would have ensured our bills got paid. I need to be strong for my son, who seems to be handling things better than me....go figure. Thank you all once again!
Man, much of what you posted about is what I am dealing with now... maybe not to the same degree (like many cheating partners) but a lot a like. I wish I could help, because I don't know where to go either.
Sorry that this has happened to you. It's not fair to go through.
In the a very similar situation - but without the physical abuse - but mental abuse is something that really puts your mind out.
Its really nice to see females posting to this thread as their words are for me anyway, reassuring that from a female perspective that you aren't doing anything wrong. I hope everyone's words help you.
My "wife" seems intent on destroying any hope of friendship that we could have the in future by her present actions. It looks like your wife is doing similar things - possibly out of malice, or as Hiya said, down to other deeper issues.
I'm getting a good lawyer to help protect me and my children, and I think it would be wise if you could do the same. No-one should scared for their safety, and you are right to protect your child as they are after all still a child.
sorry about what you have been going through, but I wonder are you sure about your suspicions, it can be that you are just acting in panic, fear,mistrust. If its all acurate by all means you should feel justified, but if you are acting on suspicions then you may be making things worse for you and your son... I know a friend who just went through this, but he confronted his wife, he got a denial, but with her responses and willingness to fix things he believed her.
Again, dont go on what you THINK, be sure of your facts. Was she on the computer, did you have it bugged. Did she receive multiple calls throughout the night, did she go on long weekend trips. Did you bug the phone. HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE.... For your sake I hope you are wrong, good luck.
It sounds like your wife is VERY unhappy within herself, and you being the wonderful man you were to her just made her hate herself even more, until she finds herself again if ever...you will just have to do what you have to to protect yourself and your child. Its unfortunate, but actually this happens all the time. I was in a similar situation myself, my second husband did everything for me, and I was terrible to him, I found I was suffering from severe derpession and by the time I got me fixed, we were divorced! Please take care, maybe get into some counseling for yourself and move on...SHE will either change or be miserable the rest of her life, you didn't do this to her, something or someone earlier in her life did this to her, good luck.
You sound like me except I do not believe my wife have has an affair eventhough she always falsey accussed me. We been together 10 years and have 2 kids together . She has 4 kids all grown from a previous marriage. My wife always had moods swings which up until 6 years when I got fixed I thought was due to the fact that she was always pregnant. She had plenty a miscarriage over the years which the doctor said was due to a chemical imbalance.
About 5 years ago a health care worker diagnosed my wife with biploar. She briefly took medications which ended about 3.5 years ago. We started attending church about 4 years ago and she joined many of the women groups at church. The bipolar had been managable with a light flair up about once a month just as she was going on her period.
Last night and today was something else and I am not sure I can survie it. The kids ( 9 and 6 years old) left yesterday afternoon fopr a weekend at some friends. When my wife came home around 7 pm she was in a foul mood. She started taking my clothes out of the closet and all the wares out of the linen closet.Upset and not knowing what she was doing I left to go to the high school football game. When I had came back all of my clothes were in my son room and all of the wares from thge linen closet was in my daughter room.
She said that she wanted the bathroom and the master bedroom redone. That we need to have someone knock out the wall and expand both rooms. I am not a man of means , I make just over 50k and the wife does not work. I have told her that what she wanted is too much and if we can just remoldel without knocking down walls and going into severe debt.
She would not hear it and kept clearing out the rooms. She stated that she wanted me out of the hopuse and wants a divorce.See the rage in her eyes and that she was out of control I went to call a mutual friend who in the past has calmed her down. The only other option would be to go to the police as she was throwing my stereo equipment at me and the walls along with her fouls words towards me. Just the other day she was telling me how much she loved me.
Anyhow i go to see a counselor next week as I am finding this hard to cope with. I just went into my bedroom and discovered that she had pull apart and destroyed the bathroom closet doors, pulled aparted the jewrely amorie into 8 or 10 pieces threw about 20 of my colgne bootles at bedroom walss leaving many dents in the walls, thre and broke flower vases at the bedroom walls , etc.
I am not sure what to do.We been married for 8 years, have 2 kids at home and all my income go to paying the mortgage and housebills and needs. I cannot afford to go out and rent a apartment. Yet I need to do something.
So sorry to hear what you have been going through. I have been going through horrors with boyfriends, although no children are involved, it's been more than bad enough.
Tonight I was speaking - and crying - on the telephone to the only one of my ex-boyfriends who is a really decent person and telling him some of what I have been going through since we broke up. He told me he keeps a 20p coin on the floor by his bed to remind him that most things have two sides, and that most definitely includes people.
I'm sorry if this is blunt, but if someone is treacherous, you can't really change them. If they were treacherous before, unless they go through a drastic change, they are going to be treacherous now, and probably treacherous in the future.
People who are faithful need to protect themselves from people who are not. So many people are fairweather friends, or only interested in what they can get. Sure there can be love there anyway, but of what use is it if that person is sooner or later going to betray you? It's better to find out now than after many years that someone is not who you thought they were.
It's heartbreaking when you love someone and they are not trustworthy or worthy of your love, but it's better to face up to the truth of who they are being, rather than deceive yourself that there can be any sort of a desirable future with someone like that.
There are other people out there who you can love and who are trustworthy, and it is better to be alone and wait until you find someone who is worthy of your love.