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Old 09-22-2005, 11:25 AM   #1
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I think i want a divorce

First a little background info about my wife. She was very very mentally abused by her mom. Her mom would fuss and scream at her every chance she got when she was younger. She would kick her out, and when she got all of her stuff boxed up,, her mom would tell her she was joking, when she was 16.At the time, my gf, she never did anything wrong to her mom. Her mom dragged her up the stairs by her hair one time. The second she would walk in the house, her mom would always find something to fuss about or demand, never a thankyou..

Now about my wife and i. We dated for 4 years. We have been married for about 3 and a half years. We have a 2 year old daughter, and another will be arriving in about 2 months.

My wife is acting just like her mom. Never appreciative, seems like she is always looking for something to fuss about, And negative about everything. Here is a stupid example,, my daughter loves hitting the blinds on the window and bending them,, so i put the blinds up so she couldnt get them. my wife comes home and screams and *****es sayin how it takes her like 10 minutes to get the blinds down, told my i was ignorant for doing it.. And did i know that she had problems getting them down?no. So she went around the house looking for stuff that ****** her off, and made a list of stuff she wanted me to do.

another example. We have a movie pass to blockbuster, we can rent as many movies as we want for like 25 bucks a month. She wanted me to go in and find this movie for her, and if they didnt have it, dont worry bout gettin another one. So i figured, eh if they dont have it, i will at least get somethin since im payin each month. They didnt have her movie, so i came out to the car with the longest yard. She flipped out and was ****** cause the movie looked stupid, called me ignorant again. The she sped all the way home, slammin on the breaks, and was breathing hard cause of how mad she was. lol then we got home and it was above, with the blinds..

Its like this almost every day... its always something. She says she is seeing a psych, but i dunno if she really is. I mentioned counciling, she said we didnt need it because,,,, i just do stupid things. Well,,, everybody does some stupid stuff, but everybody else dont hold a grudge about stuff and try to make the persons life miserable.

The only reason i havnt left her is cause of my kids. I dont want my kids to not have a dad in there life. I know,, i can visit, but that isnt the same. I dont feel like waiting 18 yrs befor i divorce... i gotta think about my life too. I just dunno what to do..

I find myself mad when its time to go home from work, cause i dont wanna go home. I got butterflies and a sick feeling in my stomach right now.

I called her up to ask her if she wanted me to start dinner when i get home. And the first thing she says, you tryin to suck up to me because of last night? and im thinkin, um i didnt do anything wrong.


Oh boy i want out of this relationship because it is dragging me down, but i dont want out because i am looking out for my daughter and my son on the way.

I am guessing that she is turning out like her mom because she lived with her all of her childhood. Its kinda funny, a while back my wife said,,, if i ever turn out like my mom, divorce me..... I told her a week ago that she is acting like her mom, and she just denied it and said its different, cause i do stupid stuff all the time

oh yea got another funny one for ya... one night she said,, baby can you get me a glass of chocolate milk.. of course ig to it for her. she didnt finish it, so she put it on her nightstand. In the morning my daughter came in and knocked it off of the nightstand. And my wife actually blamed me for it. She said that i shouldnt have made it for her,, or i should of at least moved it,, its so stupid

I am hoping that she is this way because of pregnancy hormones, but i dunno. It is a bit extreme


Any advice is welcome,

and thankyou

 
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Old 09-22-2005, 12:19 PM   #2
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Wow buddy, you really found yourself a winner. Maybe it was meant to be though. For she gave you the kids that you will love for the rest of your life. But, doesn't mean she was meant to be with you forever. I suspect you haven't gotten any advice cause you really don't need any. You aren't doing anything stupid, if she wants to see stupid tell her to marry me. She may poison me in my sleep. I don't even know how to work the blinds honestly. Seems like a good idea, since your daughter is bending them. You know you need to leave this relationship. I don't think counseling or therapy can fix this lady. Sounds like she is going to only get worse. Don't live your life being put down by someone that is supposed to love you. And leave her before your kids grow up and have to watch there mom call there daddy stupid. Tell her how stupid that she is acting. Or maybe show her this thread. I'm sure you will get some more replies. Can't believe she acts like that. She does have one point. You were dumb for getting her chocolate milk, doing anything nice for her seems dumb to me. Dump the milk in her face, sounds a lot smarter to me.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 12:30 PM   #3
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Re: I think i want a divorce

stang
corey is right wow..... staying and going are both bad for your kids I applaud you for being a real dad . I would make sure she is seeing a pysc otherwise she could potentially be a danger to your kids, if she wont see someone I would talk to a lawyer about your chances of getting custody of them, your kids well being is all that matters.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 12:48 PM   #4
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Re: I think i want a divorce

you're living with an emotionally sick person. that is something you have no control over but you can control how you react or not react and how your children weather this. maybe you need to stop trying, be there for the kids and don't give her any kind of reaction to her temper tantrums. she needs help and until she gets it you are fighting a losing battle. it is hard when you love someone and are between a rock and hard place.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 12:57 PM   #5
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Tell her she IS acting just like her mother, and because if this you have had it and your leaving. It's time to get her to face the facts.
Tell her you're not stupid - Just stupid for staying with her and putting up with her nastyness all this time.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 01:53 PM   #6
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Re: I think i want a divorce

When people have been abused they can sometimes turn around and do the same thing to the ones they love without knowing they are doing it.

Getting into therapy is the only way I can see this working out for both you and your children. You have to do what is right by them first and leaving them with a woman who isnt being supportive isnt best for them.

I would say let her know that she is going to damage her kids just like she was damaged .. if she cant see that she is hurting you .. then maybe she can see she is hurting them
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Old 09-22-2005, 02:09 PM   #7
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Well, obviously things like calling her dumb and tossing the milk in her face would escalate an already volatile, bad situation. You need solutions, not ways to retaliate. I'm truly sorry to hear she was treated so poorly as a child, and never got to know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved and valued and cherished. I'm sure it shaped her behavior and patterns much more than she even realizes, but it is now up to her as an adult to break the cycle of violence and abusive behavior for the sake of her marriage and her children. Perhaps it is the pregnancy and her hormones going out of whack that are contributing to her behavior. In any case, now is the time for tough love. If I were you, I'd wait until a calm, quiet moment, and then sit her down and tell her you want to keep your family together and you want to give your mariage every chance to work before ending it, but that she needs to start taking responsibility for her actions and behavior. It is hurting you and the family and it can't go on. She should first see her OB/GYN to make sure everything's ok with her hormone levels and the pregnancy. then, she needs to agree to see a therapist. Tell her you love her and the kids but if she doesn't make any move to change, to work with you to improve your marriage and her outbursts, you cannot stay. Talk to her OB/GYN to see if he or she can recommend a therapist for her or the both of you to see. Hopefully she will see that things need to improve and will take action to make improvements. Good luck to you.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 03:42 PM   #8
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Totally agree........what your wife needs is you. I know its tough but with the childhood your wife experienced, what she really needs is to be shown what real true love is all about and some really good support. She could be codependent or even be suffering from PTSD, talk to her tell her how much you love her and that you really want to make your marriage work. Tell her how you feel........and see if she will be willing to get some counseling....together. You will need to understand whats going on in her mind as well. But, don't be so quick to throw in the towel.......unless you just don't love her and look at this as a way out. Please don't take that the wrong way but you really need to take a hard look at yourself as well......and don't forget your children in all this.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 03:57 PM   #9
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Re: I think i want a divorce

I have to say this .. I dont think I would tell you to leave but my big concern here is that you say you cant take how she talks to you and how she puts you down and how she is turning into her mother and nowhere in there did you say you were taking your kids with you if you left ..

Do you want them to grow up like that? Do you want them to think that is how you show love? Think about it, I think you will see that not only do you deserve better treatment but so do your children (even if one of them isnt HERE yet)

I just dont want you to get cought up in being hurt yourself and not see the BIG picture .. get some help with it for you for her .. for everyone .. and keep us posted ... good luck!
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Old 09-22-2005, 04:08 PM   #10
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Exactly........Amen

 
Old 09-22-2005, 06:20 PM   #11
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Did your wife just start this behavior recently? Just out of the clear blue sky? Because if not, why on earth would you have EVER gotten her pregnant the first time knowing her voilent upbringing, and then a second??? You OWE it to those innocent children to protect them!! If she did just start it recently, then whoever suggested a trip to her OB is right on the money, as something is amiss.

I won't mince words here! Your children did not ask to be born! But you asked your wife to marry YOU and YOU decided to have unprotected sex and bring two children into the relationship.

You can't just pack up now and walk out because she is mean to you. Who do you think she will turn the nastiness on once you are out of the picture??? Do you want YOUR daughter dragged down the stairs by the hair at some point in her life if your wife continues on this destructive path?

I am sorry to sound so harsh, but you both need therapy! It is not just up to her to get help for herself. If you love her and your children, then you will step up to the plate and get your wife, their mother, help!

 
Old 09-22-2005, 09:36 PM   #12
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Re: I think i want a divorce

I would try to get custody of the kids. Sure sounds like she should not be raising them . And if your out of the house she will take it out on the kids more so. .

Last edited by gardenandcats; 09-22-2005 at 09:37 PM.

 
Old 09-23-2005, 06:53 AM   #13
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by imgfh
Totally agree........what your wife needs is you. I know its tough but with the childhood your wife experienced, what she really needs is to be shown what real true love is all about and some really good support. She could be codependent or even be suffering from PTSD, talk to her tell her how much you love her and that you really want to make your marriage work. Tell her how you feel........and see if she will be willing to get some counseling....together. You will need to understand whats going on in her mind as well. But, don't be so quick to throw in the towel.......unless you just don't love her and look at this as a way out. Please don't take that the wrong way but you really need to take a hard look at yourself as well......and don't forget your children in all this.
I don't think she needs you, I think she is giving up that right by treating you like crap. Most child molesters, and abusive husbands, grew up with a bad childhood. Thats too bad, but she can't take that out on you. If the situation was reversed, and your wife was a man and you were a women, I know people would say, "Leave that jerk, he is never going to change, you can't change him.". But since the husband is being abused, you need to do see whats going on in her head. I say who cares. She is who she is, and people who love eachother don't say those things. I say throw in the towel, take your kids, get a good relationship. Show your kids what a real loving relationship should be like. Her mom did this and that. Sorry, but boo hoo. My dads a raging alcholic, messed with me as a kid. So I don't drink, if I did. I have no one to blame but myself. Oh, and I wasn't advising you to throw milk in her face, just telling you what I would do. But I had it done to me as a kid, so I have no choice.

 
Old 09-23-2005, 07:22 AM   #14
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Oh, wow, what a tough situation! You sound like such a caring and responsible guy--you sure don't deserve to be treated this way. I feel a lot of compassion for your wife because I was also abused by my mother as a child in a similar way as your wife was abused. My mother screamed at me, always had only harsh words and criticism, and beat me almost daily. Any trivial, ridiculously minor thing could set her off. I know what kind of pure hell it is. And that's why I feel entitled to say that this gives your wife NO RIGHT to act like this towards you and possibly your children. I could never imagine repaying someone who is so good to me in this way. I agree with the others who say your wife's hormone levels should be evaluated, but if she'd acted like this before the pregnancy, then chances are it's just her usual personality and not the hormones that are contributing to her meanness. So, yes, I really think you should tell her to start getting therapy because her behavior is not likely to change without it. If she doesn't agree and sees nothing wrong with how she treats you, I don't see how you can stay married to her. I don't think you should leave her while she's pregnant, though. After the birth of your child, if she still refuses to get any help and still acts the same way, then you really have some tough decisions to make. How does she treat your daughter, btw? Does she scream at her also? As someone who was brought up by an abusive mother, I can tell you that if you leave, please take your children with you. Don't leave them with someone who will make their life hell; they are innocent kids who deserve a loving home and your protection. If you let this abusive woman raise them, they will grow up with just as many issues and very little self esteem. Take care, I hope everything works out for the best.

 
Old 10-17-2005, 06:44 PM   #15
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Re: I think i want a divorce

Was your wife this way before she started having kids? If not, then you have to be patient and hope that after this baby is born that she comes back to reality, if she was like this before you got married, then that is your fault too, either way, wait and see how it goes after the baby is born, if its still really bad, then she needs counselling...and maybe you do too, it won't hurt for both of you to go esp if you love each other.

 
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