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Old 10-06-2005, 02:50 AM   #1
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Thumbs up UPDATE: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Hello,

Just a little about me and my husband - - I am 39 years old and my husband is 35 years old. We have been together for 6 years, married 4 of those 6 years. We do not have any children together or on our own.

About 3 months ago my husband told me he was very unhappy in the marriage. After talking about it for an hour, he finally confessed he had fallen for another woman at work. (she is also married with a child). He said she has what he wants in his life. (I hate to admit this but over the years I have been with my husband I have gained 100 lbs). She is 115 lbs, blonde and beautiful. From what I have gathered, they have been sending emails back and forth at work. When he asked her if there was a possibility of them getting together, she said she was married. My husband told me he was embarrassed that he had even asked her such a question. He apologized to her a million times for "hurting their relationship". A month ago he did admit that it was as much her fault what happened as it was his. I guess she was making sexy remarks to him and leading him on.

My husband told me he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. That he loves me but is not in love with me. I think he is comparing that infatuation "love" with married love. Infatuation love never lasts but it is a strong emotion. I do want to point out that I have started weight watchers and have lost 30 lbs. I have promised to lose all my weight, so on and so on.

After 3 months, we are still battling this pending break up. We still live in the same house. He sleeps in our second bedroom. A few weeks ago he took off his wedding ring. The odd thing is he takes off his wedding ring at home, but puts it in his pocket when he goes to work in the morning. I think he wears the ring outside of the house but takes it off at home. (weird). He still wants to kiss, and hug before we go to bed and when he leaves for work in the morning. He also says the "I love you" on the phone and I think he means it. About a week ago, I told him that if he is not wearing his wedding ring, that I cannot kiss him anymore. He seemed hurt that I will not kiss him and continues to try to give me a hug and kiss before leaving for work and going to bed. (but he continues to not wear his wedding ring when I am around)

It almost appears he is hot when I am cold and cold when I am hot. By the way, my husband has admited to me that I am the nicest person he has ever known and that for the first time he actually wants to remain friends with an ex so it is not like I am a mean person to him. He also stated that I have lost my spunk. (when I am in a relationship I tend to be very nice but when being pursued/dating I have a spunky attitude). I am working on keeping that spunk.

I do want to add that my husband is a drama king. He is the type that is a hypochondriac and seems to love making things stressful. I do not know if he is just loving the attention right now from me and it feels good to him to be "chased". Or maybe he is just confused and taking his time figuring out what he wants.

I am confused why he has not filed for divorce since he claims that is what he wants. I know he is not waiting for me to file. My husband is the type of man that takes control, does not wait for someone else to do what he can do himself. (I hope I am making sense) Since we do not have any children, it will be an easy divorce so an attorney will not be needed. We just take what we brought into the marriage. So I know he is not dreading hiring attorneys and such. He is even stated he is going to do the filing himself (told me that after an arguement)

Any advice on my situation would be greatly appreciated. Is my husband just confused right now? Still says he is confused and at times says the marriage is over but his actions show me something different. Heck, at the rate we are going I will be thin again by the time he files for divorce/make up his mind.

Last edited by farceur66; 10-12-2005 at 02:06 AM.

 
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Old 10-06-2005, 07:01 AM   #2
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

It always takes two to tango. Would you still be attracted to the person you married if they had gained 100 pounds? Be honest with yourself. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh, but I see this happen in so many marriages. Once people get married, they relax and start taking the relationship for granted. They don't put as much effort into taking care of themselves physically once they get a ring on their finger. It reminds me of that old song called "Wives should Always Be Lovers Too". I don't know if you remember that.

It sounds like your husband does still love you, but has lost the physical attraction he once had. I can understand your feeling hurt and rejected, but try to see things from his viewpoint.

Work on yourself and getting back into shape for now. But do it for yourself, not to save the marriage. Good luck!

 
Old 10-06-2005, 07:26 AM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Experts say the happiest marriages are the ones where both partners keep an active interest in each other and make an effort to keep themselves fit and attractive for their partners. although it may be understandable for your weight gain to be an issue for your husband, it does seem superficial for your husband to just turn off and tune out over something as important as a marriage over something as seemingly superficial as your weight. I agree with GE that getting fit again will make you feel better, and you should do it for yourself, regardless of whether it changes your husband's mind or not.

It must be a very difficult situation to be in and I'm sorry it's so hard for you now. But as far as what your husband is going to do, I'd say to not even make that your focus right now. Concentrate on being the best you that you can be, and being someone you can really be proud of and feel really great about, whether or not he stays or goes or whatever. Congrats on the Weight Watchers, keep up the great work! If it were me, I'd tell my husband that I still love him and want the marriage to work, but it can't unless you both have both feet in it, and right now, it sounds like he has one foot out. So I'm going to work on myself now, and concentrate on building a life I can be more proud of. He can help me or not, but I won't put my life on hold while he decides what he's going to do. Good luck to you.

 
Old 10-06-2005, 08:27 AM   #4
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

I personally would not accept the fact that MY husband is sleeping in another room and not wearing his wedding ring (Around me) And if he is not attracted to you then he needs to get on with it. I dont care if you gained 200 lbs. He married YOU not your SIZE. My husband and I both have gained a few lbs. since we got together 5 yrs ago. The thing is I Love HIM and HE loves ME. You are too good of a person to stick around for this crap...He needs to figure out does he want to make it work or is it too late. Do not subject yourself to this kind of hurt. Be a strong woman and put your foot down. You say he misses your spunk well give him spunk!!!!!! You keep your head up an love yourself!!And congrats on losing that 30 lbs!!!!! You could lose alot more weight by losing him!

 
Old 10-06-2005, 08:46 AM   #5
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Trust me, I completely understand where he is coming from on the weight issue. I have told him I do not blame him for the way he feels. Lets face it, most men/women would have a problem with it. I regret allowing myself to get heavy, but nothing I can do about the past. I can only change the future. I am actually losing weight for myself and this has been the wake up call that is helping me do it. Regardless if my husband is around or not, I want to lose weight. I have gone through 2 failed business ventures over the past couple years and the stress/depression helped cause the extra weigh gain. I have learned a valuable lesson, no matter how stressful or depressed one gets, don't gain weight. The sad thing is, if it was not for the weight gain our marriage would be fine. Overall he is a great and attentive husband and would be considered a "catch" by most woman. I think that little office flirtation made him realize that my size really was a problem and that he would prefer a smaller woman. He says he feels guilty for the way he feels, but he also cannot change the way he has been feeling for a while.

Last edited by farceur66; 10-06-2005 at 09:24 AM.

 
Old 10-06-2005, 09:22 AM   #6
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Many people turn to food in times of stress, so you are not alone. The thing to realize is that food does not solve your problems. It's just a temporary fix. You might try a good low carb regime. It will keep you hunger at bay and make it easier to lose. Also, join a gym and start a weight training and cardio regime.

You will notice a difference in a matter of weeks after weight training and feel ten times better. It will also lift your depression. You go girl!

 
Old 10-11-2005, 12:39 PM   #7
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Thats great that you are trying to loose the extra weight, but I would do it for yourself. If you really want to keep your husband, go ahead and agree with everything that he is saying. If he says that he wants a divorce, agree with him and say I totally understand. What ever you do dont try to change his mind, this will only push him further away. I know this sounds strange, but you cant let him know that you want to work things out. believe me this will drive him right back into your arms. Also keep working out, he will be insanely jeolous to think about you looking good for other men. Be strong, hang in there, and good luck.

 
Old 10-11-2005, 01:01 PM   #8
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Why on EARTH would you keep a man who came home and said such hurtful words to you????????

I'm sorry, but are we ALL going to focus on her weight here and NOT on the fact that her a**wipe hubby told her he was in love with SOMEONE ELSE????

How can you even begin to just ignore what he said to you? Overweight or not, that is awful and shows his lack of morals. There is more to a woman then the size of her butt! So what if the office bimbo was skinny and blonde, you are his WIFE!!

Yes, you should take off your extra weight and it sounds as if you are well on your way. But take it off for you, file for divorce and find a man who loves YOUR HEART!!

You don't deserve to be treated like crap because you are carrying extra weight. He doesn't deserve a good woman, he deserves a skinny office bimbo!

 
Old 10-11-2005, 01:53 PM   #9
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

I'm sorry but I think it was mature and decent for your husband to come right out and admit everything he's unhappy about. Not many men would do that. So many would keep pursuing the woman at work and just cheat on their wives! This man is honest, and you have to admire him for that. If my bf was unhappy, I would want him to tell me the specific reasons why... that way I could fix those things.
Yes it's true that we marry the PERSON, not the SIZE... but we all have to be honest with ourselves that sexual attraction is a very important consideration! I would want to make my husband the happiest man he can possibly be every day of his life, and I would know and understand that my physical appearance needs to be maintained in order to do that. And he would do exactly the same thing for me. I think it's wonderful that you lost some weight and are moving forward with weight watchers, and it's very good of you to take responsibility for your weight gain and show understanding.
At this point, I really think you two just need some spark back in your marriage! You still have the honesty, you still have the communication, and you still have trust. Those are the hardest things to hang onto. The only thing you've really lost is the passion for oneanother. Do everything you can do to lose your weight. Be sure to work out at least 3 or 4 times a week. See a personal trainer at a local gym. They can coordinate a workout plan with your weight watchers diet and have you well on your way in no time. Also, see if he would be open to counseling. Try doing new things together as a couple. Take a vacation. Tell your husband that you want to work on the marriage and see how he responds. He doesn't seem so certain he wants a divorce at this point. I think you two are just so down on yourselves and each other that you're not seeing that your marriage still has potential! Don't give up so easily! You can do this!

 
Old 10-11-2005, 02:19 PM   #10
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
I'm sorry but I think it was mature and decent for your husband to come right out and admit everything he's unhappy about. Not many men would do that. So many would keep pursuing the woman at work and just cheat on their wives! This man is honest, and you have to admire him for that.
I think it would have been mature - IF he had done so before meeting another woman. Not after. That's the cowards way out.

I agree you should lose the weight if YOU want - but do it for YOURSELF.
Then you should toss him to the curb and take the beautiful new you and find a man who will appreciate you. Then tell him, maybe next time he will express his feelings BEFORE finding someone else to fall for.

 
Old 10-11-2005, 02:50 PM   #11
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Exactly, LostMyHeart!!! He was NOT entitled to act the way he did just because his wife is overweight. If that were the case then, any boyfriend/hubby could at anytime pursue another slimmer, more attractive female and use the excuse that his "ball and chain" at home was looking pudgy! I don't know anyone who would find that accepable.

I agree that you should look your best for your mate and he should look his best for you. But sometimes things are beyond ones control, such as her depression about two failed ventures. What happened to emotionally supporting each other thru hard times? Her weight gain could be considered hard times and what does the scum do, he chases someone else.

I recently put on weight due to drugs I HAD to take. Between the health issue and the drugs, I did nothing but sit or sleep so I was basically a slug. A few months ago I finally got my life back when I was switched to a better drug that has allowed me to function. Now the weight is falling off and I feel so much better. But my hub never once made me feel horrible. He understood what was behind my growing BEHIND!!!LOL Thank GOD it is shrinking fast!!!

This guy is a creep and he had no problems hurting you with his obsession confession. You shouldn't wait on him to file, you should do it yourself. Because, the one thing you should really think about is this, what if flirty office bimbo would have said to your husband "ok, I'll leave my hubby for you."

Where exactly would that have left you???

 
Old 10-12-2005, 01:56 AM   #12
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UPDATE: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Well... sad to say on Sunday my husband has asked me to move out. Said he is miserable in this marriage and how could I be so cruel as to continue to live in the same house when I know he feels this way. Tuesday we did not say one word to each other. Not even to say good night. I am hurting so much. I have tried so hard to make this marriage work. I have been so darn good to him and his family over the years. How can he throw me away like trash? How can he not care if he never sees me again? How can he be so uncaring? So many questions are running through my head, questions that will never be answered. Funny thing is, my birthday and our wedding anniversary is tomorrow (October 13th).

Last edited by farceur66; 10-12-2005 at 02:03 AM.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 07:31 AM   #13
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

As someone who has felt the power of the attentive woman, and been in your husband's shoes, I can tell you he is feeling very confused about his feelings right now. He loves you and may very well love this other woman. It is easier with you having no children in the picture, ( I was dealing with the weight of 4 kids in the picture.) While the other post ers, have discussed the weight issue, I wouldn't say that it is a big deal, Although I wouldn't agree with the person who said he committed to you not your size, that's not reality... we do owe it to ourselves and our mates to keep ourselves trim, but there might be something you can rebuild with because it's more than just physical with us guys.. ideally it wouldn't matter how heavy a woman gets but it can get a man off track if he finds you no longer physically attractive. back to where your husband is.. Right now a controlled seperation is in order, there's a book on it from a renowned mariage counselor on how to go about it, it's called , Should I stay or should I go". advice for couples on the cusp.. which is where you are.. I learned a ton from it. Your husband needs to figure out what he wants and my guess is , is that he may have more than just a physical connection with you. My wife was perfect too... pretty, a great mother, supportive, and yet I faced a dilemma similiar to your husbands, (although you can add the kids.. ) do I stay and try to work on something that hasn't been fulfilling due to many factors, (mostly communication issues) we tried the counseling for 6 months and a seperation of about 2 months, and I couldn't keep her in limbo any longer.. I knew I was going to be alone either way , with her or without her... I have a long road and I still feel the see saw of emotions, but you may connect with him more than just physically.. if you do , then you have a chance, we only connected physically, and to a certain degree on an emotional level due to the kids, but intellectually and spiritually and socially as well as fiscally we were so mis matched..

but back to him, get the book, do the seperation, see if he can sort it out, and you both will feel like you have some control..

 
Old 10-13-2005, 09:59 AM   #14
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

it sounds like he is manipulating you into becoming who he wants you to be. Rather than being supportive and loving toward you he is using threats of divorce to get you to lose weight. Congratulations on going to Weight watchers and losing weight, but you need to do it for yourself, not for him. He is taking the ring off around you to punish you and to make you lose the weight. Once you lose the weight it will be something else...he is a manipulator.

I suggest counseling.

Hang in there!

 
Old 10-13-2005, 04:07 PM   #15
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Re: Not quite sure what husband wants - Divorce????

Uh, ok .. so .. if she has to keep herself fit and trim to keep her husband .. is it then safe to say the asumption is your body has to remain the same to keep your mate?

What if she lost the use of her legs, or lost a limb .. is this an apropriate reason to fall in love with another woman .. does he love her or is he just interested in an ideal?

Im not saying that once you get the ring to stop bathing .. but .. body changes happen. So many people think its is not until death do us part but until I find someone better do I part.

I just think its grim.


Does forever mean anything anymore?
__________________
Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of children - The Crow

Last edited by dewdrop333; 10-13-2005 at 04:07 PM.

 
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