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farceur66 · 01-22-2006, 10:14 AM

Hello,

I have posted on this board several times about me and my husbands marriage problems (since October). The end of December my husband filed for divorce. Up until that time and even after that time we have been exclusively seeing each other, almost like dating. In Indiana there is a 60 waiting period before a divorce is granted so the divorce should go through around the 9th of February. When he filed for divorce he told me he did it so that it would force him into making a descision and that he still wanted to see me like we had normally been seeing each other (usually twice a week with phone calls 3 times a day). He would call me every morning to wish me a good day, once when he got home from work and again before he went to bed. When we were together we would hold hands, hug, love on each other and even make love. I could have sworn I saw that old spark of love coming back again. Why else would he be unable to go without talking to me or wanting to see me if he did not want me... right?

Well a few days ago he let me know he was still confused with his emotions and such. That was a real slap to my face. Today he suggested (and he stated he was only screwing himself over by telling me this ammunition against him) that the best thing for me to do is not call him, to make him suffer and feel what it is like to be without me. (of course I will suffer along with him). Keep in mind this is a guy that cannot go without talking to me on the phone.

Do you think it is odd he is still confused after all this time? Or will these last two weeks put the fire under his butt to make him stop the divorce. Will two weeks really make a difference? These past couple months have been great between us, I know he felt the same way but I guess I was wrong.

I will copy and paste a few of his letter from the past couple days so you can see exactly what he said to me (yes we also do talk about this stuff on the phone

Any input or help or advice or anything would be greatly appreciated. I worked so hard at trying to make this marriage work and truly believed I had succeeded.

**************************************** ****************
sent 1/19/2006

Michelle,

There are so many things to say and I don't even know where to begin, I
never in a million years meant to hurt you, the mere idea that I have hurt
you makes me sick to my stomach. You are one of the most special people that I have ever met.
I have enjoyed the time that we have had together so much.
I have been torn by mixed emotions for so long, on one hand I care deeply
about you! On the other hand somewhere down the road I was having a hard time being completely happy and I did talk to you about it openly. When nothing changed at first I guess I really felt like the light at the end of the tunnel was growing very dim. I became very depressed and started believing the life that I wanted wasn't going to happen. I even fell for some stupid things that gave me a false sense of hope. (That was an extremely low point in my life)

I am not going to sit here and point blame at everyone else for things that
I have done, I know that ultimately I am the one that caused this whole
mess. I am the one that felt something was missing and I am the one who
acted on those emotions. Since we have been apart I have been searching my heart and soul so hard for a sense of what makes me happy. I used to think it was crazy when people would say they were so torn between what was the right thing and what was the wrong thing to do, I can honestly say that I know exactly how it feels to be in such a confused state of mind.

One thing I can say for certain is that I have absolutely no right to sit
here and expect that you would ever want to have anything to do with me ever again. The fact of the matter is that since we have been apart I have done things during my period of self destruction and search for answers that I am not proud of,things that I cannot take back. The fact of the matter is that you deserve so much better than me! This is not some stupid line it is the honest truth, I am such a ****ing lost cause that it is not even funny! I have absolutely no one to blame but me for the misery that I live with everyday.

You truly are a class act and a one of a kind person, I am so sorry that I
caused you pain, you will never know how much I hate myself for all the pain
that I have caused you!!

I don't blame you for hating me or never wanting to talk to me again!

****************************************

sent 1/21/2006

(this was sent after I told him I would be moving to Florida after the divorce went through)

Michelle,

All I can say is that I am sorry...........
I guess now that you have told people (he is referring to my family) ,you have gotten car insurance (mean my own car insurance which is something I will need to get when the divorce goes through) and you
are moving it means that we really aren't talking anymore.
Since you really don't want to talk to me anymore I guess it doesn't really
matter if I tell you some things that I wanted to say but I will say them
anyway.

1. I think you are one of the most special people in the world!

2. I didn't mean to get to the point where I was unhappy, it was not on
purpose. It was just hard, you went from a beautiful vibrant woman that was
full of energy and life, you had dreams and you were working toward them.
Then one day you just got depressed and started letting yourself go you
gained weight and then you stopped fixing yourself up. It also didn't help
that you wore the same clothes all the time. I am not as shallow as you say
I am , this was not all about weight. All these factors together added to
it. That is why I talked to you way back when.

3. I got to the point where I was miserable and depressed alot and it really
took it's toll on me. Then I did that stupid thing at work which was
ridiculous. The whole thing was a stupid mental fairy tale that meant
nothing. All that managed to do was make me feel so extremely guilty and
worthless inside that I felt like I deserved nothing.

4.The day you moved out was one of the worst days of my life, I was so
emotional and hurt that day. Part of me wanted so bad for you to stay the
other part of me that felt guilty, depressed, worthless and ashamed felt
like I deserved all the pain in the world and everything I got!!

5. I was not using you , I continued to talk to you and see you and I did
try to work through my emotions and feelings!

6. I don't blame you for hating me and like you said you deserve better than
me, through all of my self destructing, pain, depression and hurt I have
managed to destroy myself and anything good that I had along the way. Thanks
to me and only me I have done things that are unforgivable, things that I
normally would never do. I know that I would never be able to regain your
trust and most of all and worst of all I managed to hurt one of the sweetest
people in the world.
I honestly don't think I will ever be able to fully forgive myself for this
mess!!
Like you said I deserve whatever horrible mess that I end up in!

I am sure that nothing that I just wrote really means anything to you now
but I wanted to say it anyway.

I have to admit that this period of not talking to you is going to be one of
the hardest things in the world for me, in the beginning we probably
shouldn't have talked for a while to give time for reality to set in!!

goody2shuz · 01-22-2006, 03:48 PM

Michelle ~ I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Sounds as if each of you have some personal issues to work out before you can even consider evaluating the fate of your marriage. I don't know what to advise you....sounds as if the both of you do have feelings for one another but is that enough to sustain a marrriage??? With his depression and yours love and feelings just might not be enough. Sad that the two of you couldn't work through all of this when it first turned bad.....can it be salvaged??? Well that all depends on how much you want your marriage and to be the best for one another. I know you lost alot of weight and he has sorrow for all the hurt he has caused....the thing is, are you both ready to forgive and start anew or is it just too much to rebuild something that has ben destroyed??? You husband is dealing with alot of guilt and pain for mistakes he has made and at the same time drawing out the pain of the entire situation. He seems to contradict himself......if he is really sorry and wanted to save the marriage he would do everything to show you that. That would mean not saying that you must not call or speak to one another. Doing so is saying that it is easier for him that way to make the transition into divorce.

I don't know what to say....I am a firm believer in salvaging a marriage so long as it will contirbute & support the physical, emotional and mental well being of an individual. In your case....it only seems right that you & your husband take the time to focus on dealing with the personal problems and perhaps figuring out if each of you are good for one another. It sounds as if you may be codependent upon each other and when you take the time to look at what it is that needs looking at within yourself, after you do, you may actually learn that you are far better off without one another.

Perhaps a legal separation is what you need so that you have the time to figure things out for sure.

I hope that you fel some peace and that you look into possibly talking this out with someone before you make a final decision. Even if you do go through with the divorce....it may be in your best interest to talk to someone about some of the things that your husband pointed out in his letter to you. That way you can work on the things that will help you be your best in the next relationship you are in.

Good luck ~ Goody

justinluck · 01-22-2006, 04:20 PM

What are the specific reasons that he wants a divorce? How do you feel about him? How long have you two been married? What are your ages?

farceur66 · 01-23-2006, 09:49 AM

I am still madly in love with my husband and I believe he feels for me too. We have been married 4 years, together a total of 6 years. I am 39 and he is 35. Right now he is in the confusion stage. If you click on my screen name FARCEUR66 that and go to "find all posts by farceur66" you can see all the complete details of what is going on.

Avon55 · 01-23-2006, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farceur66

When he filed for divorce he told me he did it so that it would force him into making a descision

I would consider filing for divorce a very serious step. Confused or not, he filed the paperwork, a part of him must want it. What an immature excuse!

I don't believe he's malicious, just extremely self-centered. His letters go on about him and only him and what a good sport you've been. He doesn't say anything beyond how guilty he feels and what a special person you are.

My opinion? He should find a good therapist or clergy to pour out his angst and confusion and depression. He gets emotional, and you get hopeful. I'd stop all contact, because you need to feel what it's like to be without that other person. Missing each other is a given, of course you will! But it can't be confused with the underlying issues. Once you reconnect, will he feel 'confused' and restless again in a month or 6 months?
I know you love him and want this to work out, but you really must set some boundaries. I would press on with the divorce and your plans to move to Florida. If he decides against finalizing the divorce, I 'd go along under one condition: That you move back in together ASAP, not in a few more weeks or months. Either work on the marriage or end it, you can't keep going on this way.

SophiaM · 01-23-2006, 10:48 AM

I completely agree with Avon. This man is extremely emotionally volatile and self-centered. If he cares so deeply for you, why would he want a divorce? It is a serious step, possibly one that might not be reversed. Why is he willing to take such a chance and lose you forever? He does not make sense to me. You were more than gracious and generous with your feelings when you agreed to date him during this separation period. He is just torturing you with his mixed messages. Avon is right, what if he decides to get back with you and in a couple of months pulls the same crap on you? I also think you should stop communicating with him unless he can make a firm decision to stay committed to you as your husband and begs you to move back with him.

farceur66 · 01-23-2006, 12:32 PM

I do have to agree with both of you. It seems odd to me that he thinks I am soooo wonderful, sooooo nice and sooooo special yet he cannot decide if he wants to stay with me or not. I do not personally understand this confusion thing anyway. I usually know what I want and what I want to do in most things in my life. If I am ever "torn" it does not take very long to work it out. I have decided that the chances of him stopping the divorce are very slim. Why else would he still be confused after all this time? I must say these past couple months have been very good between us and I kind of feel lead on to believe it might work. He has never said it was going to work but I was going by his actions. Why else would a man want to spend time with someone he does not want to be married to - - that is what confuses me more than anything.

farceur66 · 01-23-2006, 12:33 PM

Also I wonder if he is hidding behind the "not sure you will forgive me or I can forgive myself" thing since that is the only excuse he can come up with why he would not want me....hmmmm

SophiaM · 01-23-2006, 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farceur66

Also I wonder if he is hidding behind the "not sure you will forgive me or I can forgive myself" thing since that is the only excuse he can come up with why he would not want me....hmmmm

Personally, I think it's a BS line. He already knows you were more than willing to forgive him and give your marriage a chance. All this sounds insincere to me, sorry to say. I don't know what his REAL reason for wanting the divorce is, but I think you'll soon find out. Didn't he have an affair with someone when you two were living separately?

Avon55 · 01-23-2006, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farceur66

Why else would he still be confused after all this time?

I don't think he's confused, he just doesn't have the courage to be completely honest.
You ARE a good, kind person. He knows he's been completely unfair to you, thats why he feels so much guilt.
I am sorry you've been hurt, but you definitely deserve much better and I have no doubt you'll find it.

farceur66 · 01-24-2006, 01:48 AM

Hello,

To my knowledge he was not with another woman while we have been apart. He has a female friend that he has had for 20 years and there is nothing sexual/romantic between them. The one thing about my husband is that he is brutally honest. I am not stupid though and I realize we are separated and he could have done whatever he wanted and might have done that. I do know that there were only a few nights I did not talk to him - - which yes did put me in major panic mode. Usually 95% of the time if I call him he is home and if he goes out he usually makes a point to let me know.

I do know when he writes those emails he is depressed. He has always been more of a sensitive type of guy that shows his emotions easily - - you know how artists can be.

I will most certainly keep you all posted what happens. At this point I am ready to accept anything that comes my way. No matter what I will be okay.

SophiaM · 01-24-2006, 08:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farceur66

One thing I can say for certain is that I have absolutely no right to sit
here and expect that you would ever want to have anything to do with me ever again. The fact of the matter is that since we have been apart I have done things during my period of self destruction and search for answers that I am not proud of,things that I cannot take back. The fact of the matter is that you deserve so much better than me! This is not some stupid line it is the honest truth, I am such a ****ing lost cause that it is not even funny! I have absolutely no one to blame but me for the misery that I live with everyday.

Ok, I was mostly referring to this passage, and a few others where he keeps repeating he did some "horrible thing" while you were apart. Maybe I'm overinterpreting this, but it sounded somewhat alarming. Also, when a guy says you deserve "so much better than him," most likely it is the truth. You DO deserve so much better!

Ruth6:11 · 01-24-2006, 08:46 AM

I thought the same thing about what those "horrible things" implied.
And I have to laugh at Sophia's wise comment, because I had a couple guys tell me along the way that they weren't "good enough for me" - and it did turn out to be true!

farceur66 · 01-24-2006, 10:17 AM

I also agree about the "things I have done during my self destruction and search for answers that I am not proud of..." sounds odd to me also and did when I read it. I did ask him about it but he says he does not want to talk about it. Whatever he did not require 100% of his time since I was able to get him on the phone most of the time. Plus he is NOT into one night stands so that is out. Maybe he put a personal ad on the internet or he answered a few or whatever. No matter what, he will not tell me what he means by "horrible things".

BTW he sent me a short email this morning wishing me a good day so I do not know what he is doing.

farceur66 · 01-24-2006, 10:18 AM

He also keeps saying he has caused a big mess and he will need to clean up his mess or something like that. I am confused what he has done now.

Autrichelle · 11-14-2010, 07:35 AM

Hey dear.

Your husband doesn't really know what he wants yet. Sorry to say that.
I honestly think that the best thing to make him realise how important you are in his life is to give him time and space.

I know it won't be easy but if you really want him to know your value in his life and respect you, you have to face the reality.

Plan to do something else,go shopping, visit some friends and relative in the mean time, learn something new that will take your time; so that you won't feel so lonely. Pray God also, only him as the right answer for both of you.

And even when he will come back later (because he will come back, he loves you), don't make yourself too available. Give him some hard time too.

But most of all be sincere and firm with him. You will have to tell him that if he is not sure yet about his feelings, he should leave you alone, it is not time to please him here, if not he will never stop this game and will keep playing with your feelings as he is doing now.

Being firm with him will wake him up of his deep sleep, when he will realise that he may loose you if he doesn't the right decision which is cancelling the divorce and approve you as his wife for ever.

But, if the divorce is what he really wants, don't please him, he will regret it later on. you can't force someone to stay with you...

All the best !!!

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