I have posted on this board several times about me and my husbands marriage problems (since October). The end of December my husband filed for divorce. Up until that time and even after that time we have been exclusively seeing each other, almost like dating. In Indiana there is a 60 waiting period before a divorce is granted so the divorce should go through around the 9th of February. When he filed for divorce he told me he did it so that it would force him into making a descision and that he still wanted to see me like we had normally been seeing each other (usually twice a week with phone calls 3 times a day). He would call me every morning to wish me a good day, once when he got home from work and again before he went to bed. When we were together we would hold hands, hug, love on each other and even make love. I could have sworn I saw that old spark of love coming back again. Why else would he be unable to go without talking to me or wanting to see me if he did not want me... right?
Well a few days ago he let me know he was still confused with his emotions and such. That was a real slap to my face. Today he suggested (and he stated he was only screwing himself over by telling me this ammunition against him) that the best thing for me to do is not call him, to make him suffer and feel what it is like to be without me. (of course I will suffer along with him). Keep in mind this is a guy that cannot go without talking to me on the phone.
Do you think it is odd he is still confused after all this time? Or will these last two weeks put the fire under his butt to make him stop the divorce. Will two weeks really make a difference? These past couple months have been great between us, I know he felt the same way but I guess I was wrong.
I will copy and paste a few of his letter from the past couple days so you can see exactly what he said to me (yes we also do talk about this stuff on the phone
Any input or help or advice or anything would be greatly appreciated. I worked so hard at trying to make this marriage work and truly believed I had succeeded.
**************************************** **************** sent 1/19/2006
There are so many things to say and I don't even know where to begin, I
never in a million years meant to hurt you, the mere idea that I have hurt
you makes me sick to my stomach. You are one of the most special people that I have ever met.
I have enjoyed the time that we have had together so much.
I have been torn by mixed emotions for so long, on one hand I care deeply
about you! On the other hand somewhere down the road I was having a hard time being completely happy and I did talk to you about it openly. When nothing changed at first I guess I really felt like the light at the end of the tunnel was growing very dim. I became very depressed and started believing the life that I wanted wasn't going to happen. I even fell for some stupid things that gave me a false sense of hope. (That was an extremely low point in my life)
I am not going to sit here and point blame at everyone else for things that
I have done, I know that ultimately I am the one that caused this whole
mess. I am the one that felt something was missing and I am the one who
acted on those emotions. Since we have been apart I have been searching my heart and soul so hard for a sense of what makes me happy. I used to think it was crazy when people would say they were so torn between what was the right thing and what was the wrong thing to do, I can honestly say that I know exactly how it feels to be in such a confused state of mind.
One thing I can say for certain is that I have absolutely no right to sit
here and expect that you would ever want to have anything to do with me ever again. The fact of the matter is that since we have been apart I have done things during my period of self destruction and search for answers that I am not proud of,things that I cannot take back. The fact of the matter is that you deserve so much better than me! This is not some stupid line it is the honest truth, I am such a ****ing lost cause that it is not even funny! I have absolutely no one to blame but me for the misery that I live with everyday.
You truly are a class act and a one of a kind person, I am so sorry that I
caused you pain, you will never know how much I hate myself for all the pain
that I have caused you!!
I don't blame you for hating me or never wanting to talk to me again!
sent 1/21/2006 (this was sent after I told him I would be moving to Florida after the divorce went through)
All I can say is that I am sorry...........
I guess now that you have told people (he is referring to my family)
,you have gotten car insurance (mean my own car insurance which is something I will need to get when the divorce goes through)
are moving it means that we really aren't talking anymore.
Since you really don't want to talk to me anymore I guess it doesn't really
matter if I tell you some things that I wanted to say but I will say them
1. I think you are one of the most special people in the world!
2. I didn't mean to get to the point where I was unhappy, it was not on
purpose. It was just hard, you went from a beautiful vibrant woman that was
full of energy and life, you had dreams and you were working toward them.
Then one day you just got depressed and started letting yourself go you
gained weight and then you stopped fixing yourself up. It also didn't help
that you wore the same clothes all the time. I am not as shallow as you say
I am , this was not all about weight. All these factors together added to
it. That is why I talked to you way back when.
3. I got to the point where I was miserable and depressed alot and it really
took it's toll on me. Then I did that stupid thing at work which was
ridiculous. The whole thing was a stupid mental fairy tale that meant
nothing. All that managed to do was make me feel so extremely guilty and
worthless inside that I felt like I deserved nothing.
4.The day you moved out was one of the worst days of my life, I was so
emotional and hurt that day. Part of me wanted so bad for you to stay the
other part of me that felt guilty, depressed, worthless and ashamed felt
like I deserved all the pain in the world and everything I got!!
5. I was not using you , I continued to talk to you and see you and I did
try to work through my emotions and feelings!
6. I don't blame you for hating me and like you said you deserve better than
me, through all of my self destructing, pain, depression and hurt I have
managed to destroy myself and anything good that I had along the way. Thanks
to me and only me I have done things that are unforgivable, things that I
normally would never do. I know that I would never be able to regain your
trust and most of all and worst of all I managed to hurt one of the sweetest
people in the world.
I honestly don't think I will ever be able to fully forgive myself for this
Like you said I deserve whatever horrible mess that I end up in!
I am sure that nothing that I just wrote really means anything to you now
but I wanted to say it anyway.
I have to admit that this period of not talking to you is going to be one of
the hardest things in the world for me, in the beginning we probably
shouldn't have talked for a while to give time for reality to set in!!