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Divorce & Separation Message Board
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Old 02-20-2006, 05:44 PM   #1
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Deena_05 HB User
Issue w/ divorced parents.

I'm 19 years old and my parents got divorced around 3 months ago.
My dad cheated on my mom, and you know, he never used to do anything for me, and he practically disowned me as a daughter. I don't want a relationship with my dad, never have and never will, but occasionally my dads side has family dinners which I attend, uncomfortably but I attend, because I feel bad lying to them about why I don't want to go. Each time I do so, or each time I happen to be around my dad for long periods of time, my mom gets so ****** off with me, and each time she calls me fake and you know, this, that and the other thing.

Well, yesterday was my 19th birthday, so my dad called and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner...I said yes. Not because I want to be chill with him, but just for the hell of it, really.

I just got my back, and my mom is sitting over here criticizing me and calling me fake, and telling me I'm defending my dad.

I'm tired of this, I'm not on anyone's side, or defending anyone. I want her to stop being so messed up, and have my dad stop asking me to do anything the FEW times he does (I haven't seen my dad in like, a month anyway) so it doesn't need to happen to me anymore.

I feel so put in the middle of their situation and I hate it. I'm not trying to make anyone mad, I'm not trying to be fake, and I'm not since I don't want a realtionship with him.

I can't tell them to stop because I've tried and they won't...
I can't keep doing this though. I refuse to keep making people mad just by saying "yes" or "no" to something

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or anything, but I'm really hurting right now...

Thanks...

 
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Old 02-20-2006, 06:02 PM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: Issue w/ divorced parents.

I'm so sorry you're stuck in the middle. It's a shame when divorce gets this ugly. I understand your mom being so angry with him since he cheated on her, but they should both love youl more than they hate each other. Have you tried just saying something calm and simple, like "I'm sorry dad hurt you so badly, but he's still the only dad I have. He's not my favorite person right now either, but he's my family, and I shouldn't have to write him off forever to keep peace with you. You guys need to deal with your own stuff without putting me in the middle" and go up to your room and just let her know you won't listen to any of that and won't be a party to it anymore. Perhaps family counseling would help? Do you think your mom would be up for that? I wish you best of luck in this hard transition.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 06:08 PM   #3
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LadyShriver1 HB User
Re: Issue w/ divorced parents.

This is definitely an issue where you're not going to be able to change them...you can only change how it affects you. There are a lot of things in life that aren't always pleasant, but still need to be done, and maybe spending time with your Dad's family is one of them. I found when I had trouble with my mom, that if I always answered everything totally calmly that eventually she quit. If she accuses you of taking sides, try keeping your voice totally calm and even and saying "Mom, I'm not choosing sides, I'm doing what I feel obligated to do." She may ask why you feel obligated or say that you shouldn't, but at this point she'll probably at least raise her voice. If you can keep calm and simply restate "I'm sorry that it's upsetting to you mom, but I'm not willing to forgo what I see as an obligation. I wish you would respect that." it'll help...eventually she'll feel like she's being childish. The trick is to be able to do it and keep the emotion out, because Mothers can be VERY aggravating, can't they? But...Hiya is totally right about that..if that's not enough, quietly get up and leave the room. If there's no one to fight with, she can't very well have a one sided argument. If she follows you (as my mother was prone to do) again, say that the discussion is finished, and get up and leave. Hope this helps...

Last edited by LadyShriver1; 02-20-2006 at 06:11 PM.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 06:19 PM   #4
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Deena_05 HB User
Re: Issue w/ divorced parents.

It does help, thank you.

I'm calm when it comes to these situations, so I'm not sitting there screaming my head off, but she just won't back off! I'm beyond frustrated. I've been trying to get myself out of the middle for 5 years, but it hasn't happened yet. I just don't understand how I've taken sides or have been fake?! I told my mom too, I'm not even taking her side, I just have morals, I know the difference between right and wrong. Still in all, this happens every time. I do not want to go the rest of the time I live at home where she is going to cause me grief because I happen to do something she doesn't like, like say hi to my dad.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 06:35 PM   #5
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Issue w/ divorced parents.

Hi, Deena I agree with the others. Try not to make your mom's comments to elicit too much emotion....the fact is that both of them created you out of love and will always be a part of your life and you must let them both know it. Neither one should be pressuring you into what time you wish to spend with the other.

Time will make it better......in the meantime let your mom know in no uncertain terms that your father is part of your life period!! And give her lots of (((HUGS))) to remind her that you do love her. She needs to know that.

~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-20-2006 at 06:36 PM.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 07:11 PM   #6
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Deena_05 HB User
Re: Issue w/ divorced parents.

Thanks for all the support. I've really needed it. I'm glad that some people understand where I'm coming from! lol. Thanks a lot. Really. <3

 
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