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Old 02-22-2006, 12:37 AM   #1
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farceur66 HB User
Now that the divorce has gone through, what do I do?

Hello All,

I know that sounds like a silly question. My life right now is depressing. I am almost 40 years old and I am starting my life over again. I still live with my father (have since the seperation), I sleep on my fathers living room floor, pretty much live out of boxes and get dressed in the garage. I have no desire to date, or such so my love life will suck for quite some time. I will have to change my last name on all my documents, and start life over from scratch. I know, what I am going through is a common thing. It still doesnt mean it is easy. I have tried to remain best friends with my ex but that does not satisfy me. In the end, he is the one that decided to end the marriage. He is the one who thought I was not worth being married to. His life has remained pretty much the same. Has the same great job, lives in the house we once lived in together, has all the same luxuries in life that I am without.

Just thought I would express a little how I feel.

Thanks for listening

 
Old 02-22-2006, 03:35 AM   #2
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charlatans HB User
Re: Now that the divorce has gone through, what do I do?

awww hun i understand this must be so difficult...yes, divorce is a common thing but that doesnt make it easy...it sure is one of the most difficult events of ones life, dont be hard on yourself. how youre feeling is normal and youll get through it eventually...it may not seem like it now, but you will. there will be good days and there will be bad days but remember youre defiantly not alone in this...
i can only suggest seeing a counsellor, trying to move out into your own place, keeping busy and this is a must- you need to start doing new things and meeting new people. start to get out and about... this may seem difficult to do at first but youve got to do it, it really helps...take up a new sport, new hobby etc take a long holiday? i think thatd be great...if you can that is. its easier said than done but try not to think about the divorce/marriage anymore...you will think about it but try not to, do everything you can to keep your mind off it...in my opinion i think you should cut off contact with your ex...if you want to moan or have sometihng cleared up then post here. please take care and keep posting here x

 
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:45 AM   #3
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: Now that the divorce has gone through, what do I do?

Dear Farceur66,

I just wanted to post to let you know, I am almost 39 and my husband decided to end our marriage last February. We have two kids, a home together, and I was a stay at home mom for the bulk of our marriage. There was another woman. I didn't eat or sleep for about two months. I was a basket case, really.

OK--so there's a little backround. I decided one day, a couple of months into it, that I was crying for what SHOULD have been, not what WAS. That I COULD be happy again, and my kids deserved all of me, I deserved all of me again. That very day, I got a therapist, lots of books on healing, anger, self improvement, building self esteem, and really finding out who I was again---and discovered--I had lost who I was, and it just might be interesting to find out again. I had been wife, cook, maid, mom, daughter, worker, but ME?? Nope, Laurie had left the building!!

I got a giant sheet of poster board and got all the magazines I could find--got some stacks from friends, cuz I didn't do that for myself either!! I started flipping thru, trying to find anything that I LIKED. I word, a look, a place, an outfit, etc.. Before this exercise, I didn't even know what my favorite color was....now I know it's definitely red. I realized I wanted to feel pretty again, sexy, attractive. I realized I needed new clothes, a new outlook, that I wanted to go to Ireland, and that being single again was going to be an adventure I couldn't wait to get started on.

Made a list of all I wanted to do. BIG and small things. Off the wall things. Feelings I wanted to feel again. Sky diving to learning to meditate. Body cleansing to scrubbing down my house. Hugging a monkey. Seriously, the beauty is, no one has to see it, no one has to know the silly things you wanna do, but you.

I reconnected with old friends, and made new friends like a small child would. Literally sought people out that brought me positive feelings, and cultivated friendships. I worked out like crazy. It makes you feel empowered, and the visual benefits speak volumes to you--and everyone around you. I realized I got to feel that "falling in love" feeling again--that it could happen, and it was something I was never going to feel again, had I stayed married!! WOO HOO!!I got to have that again, and I was doing nothing wrong.

SO, I did. Rebounding probably, and got my heart a little broken, but hey!! It could happen. Heart fixes itself--how weird?!! Sex for the first time with someone new was amazing. Thought it would be weird---NOT. Great. Liberating. Someone wanted ME--I didn't have to walk on eggshells and kiss any rear end to get it, we just wanted eachother--like good old passion---remember THAT?

Still have issues to work on, for sure. SOme anger, some rejection issues, but I am aware and working all the time. We are scarred, and sometimes our scars will show. I got a great settlement, child support, alimony, the house, half his pension and 401K, and that made it a bit easier. (why in the heck does this man have your home???)

I have my boyfriend's birthday party going on at my house this weekend, with tons of new friends. He's hot as hell, gorgeous, and turning 22 this Saturday. SO see---you can do whatever you want now. You can be whoever you wanna be. You can be YOU!!!Time to put new phrases into your life and in your head like, "Eat my dust." and "get ready, here I come!" and "lookout world, I'm back!!" Tell yourself every single day, you are worthy of being BLISSFULLY happy--and nothing less. It's all about you right now...what are you gonna do about it? HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 02-22-2006, 05:58 AM   #4
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farceur66 HB User
Re: Now that the divorce has gone through, what do I do?

WOW Laurie864bla, you nailed it. What you said is right. I am going to start doing things for ME - - things I have always wanted to do. I must start living my life to the ultimate. Is your ex looking at you now and thinking...hmmmmm?

My husband has the house because I did not want it. Alot of mortgage and very little equity makes for a disaster in my opinion, plus what do I need with a 4 bedroom house and a large yard that needs constant mowing - - forget that. I do not have any children so it was a simple divorce.

 
Old 02-22-2006, 07:42 AM   #5
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: Now that the divorce has gone through, what do I do?

.....and YES!!! My X checks me out all the time. Makes stupid excuses to come by, etc... Even called me the other night, crying he had blown off his whole life and all he ever wanted. I was nice, but it was only because I have really worked on not being bitter--just knowing what I want--and it's NOT him. I calmed him down, and then said, "I wouldn't take you back if you were the last man on the planet....ever. Know this, move on, and get help so you can give unconditionally for your children. We are over."

I knew right then and there it had come full circle, and that I was OK!! It feels great to grow at our age, hon. Really, it has been one of the best times in my life. I have so much fun now, have plans every single time I have time to myself--(and you don't have kids!!! Your time is all yours!!!) I go out for coffee when I am free with the girls, I get massages, I tan a bit for some color, I bought a bunch of new clothes that were SEXY--not functional!!Made myself look cute--every single time I went out of the house.

I had guys checking me out just driving. It was so weird, but they can smell the attitude when you feel good and happy!! I didn't really look all that different--just felt it, and trust me, they flock. Know you don't want that right now, but it feels good to just be desired a bit, and it feeds the damaged ego. We all like to be wanted, liked, whatever--go out looking good--always. I told this to my best friend who is recovering from cancer. SHe started and her awareness of her body, what looked sexy, what made her feel good--all changed. Her and her hubby of 11 yrs are having sex all the time again--and she didn't change another thing--just taking pride in herself. It's sexy!!!

Just hang in there, you will find your own way--but you have to push yourself a little each day. What worked for me, may not help another, and you will have to find what works for you. Personally I think a hot, nasty roll in the hay with someone who is SO not ur husband was a great step for me. HA HA!! Others would say it's shallow, immature, whatever. Like I said, whatever works for you. (see, I had no passion for a long time--so to me, this was a need. I discovered something in the process.-always learning going on.. I am a very passionate, physical person. Never again would I settle for someone who wasn't. EVER!)

SO, make ur own way. When it sucks, it always gets better soon. Be sure to keep us posted on ur progress. This is exciting! I'll toast you at my party this weekend and know you'll be that happy soon. Promise....

 
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