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Old 03-19-2006, 02:46 PM   #1
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alleycat2 HB User
Don't want a divorce but It came to mind

When I met my husband we did something together at least once a week. As we dated we had some problems because he was always paying attention to his brother and suddenly I was out of the picture most of the time. We fought about it and I thought things were resolved with the lack of attention problem and now that we are married it creeped up again. I practically have to beg him to do anything with me! Doing something together use to me a romantic dinner out or a movie. Now my husband thinks it means eating dinner at home together, coming home to me every night or watching t.v. in the same house but it separate rooms. Even sleeping in the same bed is considered doing sometime together. He has no problem hanging out with the boys playing poker or fishing on the ice all day. I have been asking him for 5 weeks to take me to a movie and we still haven't gone! I have tried acting like I am busy and don't care to spend time with him. He comes around suddenly and wants to do something but why should I have to beg him or trick him into wanting to spend time with me? I want him to do it willingly and have it be his idea for once. He gets extra money and what does he want to do certianly not spend time with the old ball and chain, but spend it on minnows for ice fishing. Since he's laidoff he can fish everyday all week while I am at work which he pretty much does, but now he takes off on weekends too. I am pregnant and really want my baby to have a father around and if I have to beg for attention now for myself, what will it be like for my child? I want to work this out considering this is probably our only major problem in the marriage? I need help?

 
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Old 03-19-2006, 04:07 PM   #2
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: Don't want a divorce but It came to mind

How much of what you posted here have you told your husband? I mean, does he really understand that the issue is "doing things together" and not just being home? Does he really understand how it makes you feel? Does he really understand your concern about him being an absentee father to his child? If not, you really have to spell it out for him. If you have told him everything you posted, you have only two choices 1) accept things the way they are 2) tell him things have got to change or else.

 
Old 03-19-2006, 05:30 PM   #3
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Crystal^Tearz HB User
Re: Don't want a divorce but It came to mind

I agree with tiger. We cant assume men know what where thinking or feeling you have to draw it out to them. After you have poured your heart out to him and tell him everything your are thinking and feeling then it leaves you with the 2 options tigger said 1- accept it 2-give him ultimatiems. So try communicating with him let him know you want to sit down and talk about things. Donít walk away without trying all your options.
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Old 03-19-2006, 05:50 PM   #4
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Lexi4529 HB User
Re: Don't want a divorce but It came to mind

Is it possible for the two of you to find some common ground, something you can do together?
A few years ago, I had a similar problem in my marriage. My husband was very wrapped up in his work and in a Kung Fu class he takes five times a week; I was working full-time and going to school at night; we hardly saw each other. We have totally different sets of friends, and rarely socialized as a couple.
I decided we needed to find an activity we could do together, both as a couple and as a family (with our kids).
What we started doing, it sounds silly but we started playing board games on weekends. We discovered that we both really enjoyed Scrabble, Risk, monopoly and other games. And our kids like it too. So now at least one night a week, we stay home, order take-out, and play games. Sometimes if we get tired of that, we all watch a movie together on pay-per-view.
My husband and I have also discovered some sports that we enjoy doing together; bike riding, in-line skating, and taking long walks.
It's difficult, because the things that really interest him (martial arts) don't appeal to me at all. And I'd be really unhappy if I started taking martial arts classes just to please him; I'd really resent that.
And the things that interest me (political activism, my creative writing group) don't appeal to him, and I wouldn't want him to join just to please me; he'd be bored stiff and end up resenting me.
The trick is to find things you have in common, and can do together.
And also to give each other space to do the things you enjoy doing separately.
I wish you the best of luck in working this out.
I think you are wise not to bring children into it, until you figure out whether or not it can be worked out.
I know too many women who are married but who are raising their children like single moms, because the fathers are simply uninvolved.
And that is not fair to the mother or to the children either.

 
Old 12-01-2010, 08:15 PM   #5
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hlnorg HB User
Thumbs up Re: Don't want a divorce but It came to mind

I am in agreement with the posts so far. You must both work together to find common ground and you must communicate what you have communicated here with him.

The one thing that I would add is that you make it a sit down time (like a date but just to talk about this issue) not just a talk while you are both doing something else. If you both sit down and look in each others face while you talk about this, I believe he will think about what you are saying more seriously. This need some undivided attention.

All the best!

 
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