Hi guys.Well tonight the stuff hit the fan.As most of you know my dh & I have had this messy marriage going on for a long time.And as most of you know everything has come to a head very recently. My main concern has about our children 10 & 6.Our daughter (10) Has been my biggest worry she is VERY bright (& I don't just say that b/c I'm her mom.) and also very senesitive.Well she and I were at the table tonite playing poker and out of the clear blue she asks me if my dh & I are getting a divorce Well I nearly fell off the chair.As so many of you know I've been fretting over this topic.Don't forget I just filed the begining of the week so we have a LONG road ahead of us.....
At this point my DD & I went to were my lovely cheating husband has been sleeping & I woke him up saying that he best get up b/c the 3 of us need to talk.I am a FIRM believer in honesty,which as we know ,he has none.Well she knows everything and that the "unfaithfullness" was with my best friend who she knows very well.She has been calm cool collected,there were some tears,anger but more over alot of talking.She was very specific in her questions and I/we tried to be as honest as possible without giving to much info.
So now what we decided to do was put off telling our 6 yr old till later ,he already has anger issues and I feel there's a great benifit to counselling for the both of them as well as myself.Any other ideas are more then welcome.....Thanks
This is never easy, I know my girls benefitted quite a bit talking to a counselor about the divorce. They were 7 and 3 at the time. I read a few books about children and divorce, and I joined a support group at the church I was going to at the time.
Remember, they will go through the stages of grief also , just like you will. Don't be surprised if one day they are fine, the next they are mad at you, the next their dad. It's normal.
My youngest seemed to endure the divorce pretty well, until my first time trying to date. She told the guy, " Get out of our house, you're not my dad!" I thought I would die! She's 17 now, she thinks that's a funny story.
Hang in there
I heard that the worst part of divorce for the child is them having the belief that it was somehow THEIR fault. Thus when I went through it myself and my son wanted to know what happened (age 5), I told him the truth. I too was worried that perhaps I'd given him TMI but he adjusted really well -- TOO well as a matter of fact, and that always had me concerned. He didn't question me much, but when he did I was always honest in answering.
A few years later my son and I were watching a program on divorcing families and the effects on children -- something on the learning channel. There was a couple getting divorced and they kept everything pretty much quiet, only telling the children that "mommy and daddy can't live together anymore, but that we love you all very much". The show went on to offer similar tips on how to communicate with your child in such a situation. Later, it was discovered that the children in that particular family had problems adjusting (psychological AND behavioral), and so they went on to talk about how to get help for children on how to deal and cope with the effects of divorce.
After the program was finished and as I sat there feeling rather guilty, my son turned to me and asked me what the REAL reason was that those parents divorced. I asked him what he meant and he said that they never once explained to the children WHY they couldn't live together anymore and WHY they fell out of love with each other! That those kids are going to "be stuck always wondering the truth, and when it'll be their turn that someone will fall out of love with them"! Then he gave me a big hug and thanked me for being honest with him from the beginning, and said that it meant alot to him that I felt he was capable of handling the truth. I said that after watching the program I felt like I had done everything wrong and that maybe one day he would get "sick" because of what I told him. He replied with, "Mom what do you always tell me? That you can handle anything as long as it's the truth, but if you don't know the truth you can't handle it can you?"! Then he went on to say that "Parents who don't tell their kids everything think their kids are stupid". I asked him why he would say that and he said, "Well if you don't tell someone the truth it's like lying, and what's the first thing you say if you know someone is lying to you? ~ "What do you think I am - STUPID??" !!! He also said that alot of kids at school with divorced parents are sad not because their parents are split, but because they believe their parents think they are dumb.