Anyone else have an "emotional divorce"??? - Divorce & Separation Message Board

Kymberlee · 07-11-2006, 02:02 PM

Hey,there! I've been thinking about this for some time. My bp husband and I have an "emotional divorce". What I mean by that is this: We live together, are married by the eyes of the law and that's it. We do NOT have sex, we do not talk about our day, we rarely eat together or do anything together for that matter. We live like we are just roommates. Anyone else live this way with their spouse? I feel like I'm single, except I can't date!!!

Does that make any sense to anyone??? It sucks! That's why I keep telling myself I won't live like this forever! I deserve so much better...and then I think about my marriage vows. "In sickness and in health..." But if my husband refuses to even try to get better...I wonder...what choice do I have? Does anyone else think about things like this or is it only me?

KYM.

rosequartz · 07-11-2006, 02:11 PM

kymberlee - please don't stay in this situation for too much longer if he's not willing to change. like I told you yesterday, I knew if I had a kid, I'd be raising a kid to think that's how you treat people. Your child is learning a lot just by observing. You don't want him to grow up and think that's what marriage is.

samandtola · 07-13-2006, 09:30 PM

TOTALLY RELATE! My husband and I are almost never intimate and I feel trapped all the time. I know its not his fault but its frustrating and I feel very much alone emotionally and psychologically. I have a new baby and it seems like this should be a time where things are exciting and wonderful and instead I have to deal with the total, complete lack of affection. I have to beg my husband for sex and I feel like its not even worth it because there is no passion to it --- it's just me getting upset, him giving in and just laying there waiting for it to be over. How romantic...I get jealous of my friends who have normal sex lives with their spouses all the time. I tell them even and they have no clue what I'm talking about. They just tell me "do this do that" and they have no idea that he truly is screwed up. He doesn't have any drive. Why should he want sex like the normal male?! Any advice from someone on my end?

Very Green · 07-14-2006, 05:38 AM

Samandtola: I find the 'drive' ebbs and flows dependant upon what mood he is currently experiencing. If he's depressed, well, forget it! If he is stable, life is great, and if he is manic, life is great! Is this what you have found, or is this a permanent problem? Could be that the arrival of a child has helped exasperate this issue. Some men can find it hard to view their partners as lovers, once they become mothers. My brother is not bipolar, but did experience this issue with his wife when she had their first child. It took him awhile to equate the Mother (his wife), with the person who had been his lover.

Just a thought. Could be completely wrong

I suppose it depends if this is a recent change, permanent, or ebbs and flows. If it is permanent, and has been for a while, then Kym and Samandtola, how on earth do you cope? Kudos to you both for standing by them. I have issues with self esteem, and a permanent situation like that would be emotionally crippling for me.

TTFN

Kymberlee · 07-14-2006, 08:28 AM

Hey, Sam & Very Green! We have NOT had sex for almost 2 years!!!

Sam, I used to have to 'beg' for sex or any affection, too. It was terrible and made me feel like I was dog doo-doo. My self esteem was in the gutter, too. My husband is non-sexual (with me, anyway!) He told me last week that he's here to take care of his son, as soon as he's 18, then he's outta here! Isn't that nice???!!!

I'm getting to the point that he totally turns me off, anyway. There is NO way I'll beg him again! I'm just not that desprate!

He called his PDOC yesterday to see if he should start taking a new drug! I guess he needs to take one more blood test for his hormone level to see if it's "causing" the depression. Yeah, right! Whatever! You talk about being in denial! All I can say is that I'm getting a job this fall when my son will be in school full time and then I'll go from there. There is NO way I'm living like this forever! No love, no sex, no laughter...just it's all MY fault! I'm not even sure how I feel about my 'husband' anymore...Kym.