Hey,there! I've been thinking about this for some time. My bp husband and I have an "emotional divorce". What I mean by that is this: We live together, are married by the eyes of the law and that's it. We do NOT have sex, we do not talk about our day, we rarely eat together or do anything together for that matter. We live like we are just roommates. Anyone else live this way with their spouse? I feel like I'm single, except I can't date!!! Does that make any sense to anyone??? It sucks! That's why I keep telling myself I won't live like this forever! I deserve so much better...and then I think about my marriage vows. "In sickness and in health..." But if my husband refuses to even try to get better...I wonder...what choice do I have? Does anyone else think about things like this or is it only me? KYM.
kymberlee - please don't stay in this situation for too much longer if he's not willing to change. like I told you yesterday, I knew if I had a kid, I'd be raising a kid to think that's how you treat people. Your child is learning a lot just by observing. You don't want him to grow up and think that's what marriage is.
TOTALLY RELATE! My husband and I are almost never intimate and I feel trapped all the time. I know its not his fault but its frustrating and I feel very much alone emotionally and psychologically. I have a new baby and it seems like this should be a time where things are exciting and wonderful and instead I have to deal with the total, complete lack of affection. I have to beg my husband for sex and I feel like its not even worth it because there is no passion to it --- it's just me getting upset, him giving in and just laying there waiting for it to be over. How romantic...I get jealous of my friends who have normal sex lives with their spouses all the time. I tell them even and they have no clue what I'm talking about. They just tell me "do this do that" and they have no idea that he truly is screwed up. He doesn't have any drive. Why should he want sex like the normal male?! Any advice from someone on my end?
Samandtola: I find the 'drive' ebbs and flows dependant upon what mood he is currently experiencing. If he's depressed, well, forget it! If he is stable, life is great, and if he is manic, life is great! Is this what you have found, or is this a permanent problem? Could be that the arrival of a child has helped exasperate this issue. Some men can find it hard to view their partners as lovers, once they become mothers. My brother is not bipolar, but did experience this issue with his wife when she had their first child. It took him awhile to equate the Mother (his wife), with the person who had been his lover.
Just a thought. Could be completely wrong
I suppose it depends if this is a recent change, permanent, or ebbs and flows. If it is permanent, and has been for a while, then Kym and Samandtola, how on earth do you cope? Kudos to you both for standing by them. I have issues with self esteem, and a permanent situation like that would be emotionally crippling for me.
Last edited by Very Green; 07-14-2006 at 05:43 AM.
Hey, Sam & Very Green! We have NOT had sex for almost 2 years!!! Sam, I used to have to 'beg' for sex or any affection, too. It was terrible and made me feel like I was dog doo-doo. My self esteem was in the gutter, too. My husband is non-sexual (with me, anyway!) He told me last week that he's here to take care of his son, as soon as he's 18, then he's outta here! Isn't that nice???!!! I'm getting to the point that he totally turns me off, anyway. There is NO way I'll beg him again! I'm just not that desprate! He called his PDOC yesterday to see if he should start taking a new drug! I guess he needs to take one more blood test for his hormone level to see if it's "causing" the depression. Yeah, right! Whatever! You talk about being in denial! All I can say is that I'm getting a job this fall when my son will be in school full time and then I'll go from there. There is NO way I'm living like this forever! No love, no sex, no laughter...just it's all MY fault! I'm not even sure how I feel about my 'husband' anymore...Kym.
Kym, if this has been the situation for two years, then i sseriously think you need to consider leaving. It sounds like you get absolutely nothing in return for your devotion and support. Life aint great at my end either, and my partner wont take his meds, but when he is stable, he apologises for what he puts me through, and is the most loving, sweetest guy ever. If this wasn't the case, I would be a complete mental case by now. No matter how good a person we are, we all need love and affection from time to time.
Maybe threatening to leave might shake him up a bit? Or perhaps you could record him on video for a couple of days, and play it back to him, to try to make him see who's behaviour is causing the tension?! Extreme maybe, but might be worth it?
It's killing me to read these posts Kimberlee, I was living with a "husband" that acted more like my child. I helped him through his rough times (he was diagnosed with depression, but his violent rages make me think not).
And when he got better, I figured it was O.K. Like you, I begged for sex, I cried, I even hit him once because he shoved me right off the bed.
I used to get so mad because I hated to be rejected, and if I could not hurt him, I would go try to hurt me instead.
I got tired of being shoved away, literaly and emotionally. He said he loved me, bu tit did not even sound like he meant it. I started thinking he liked me around as a convenience and he was comfortable because I took care of him. I was the one making a bit of money to pay the bills and buy our food.
When I signed up for the Army everything changed for me. He did not like that. We were living like you said, as roomates. when I came back from Basic training, I had learned that there's a whole world out there, and I can do so much more then just "getting by". When I got back, his lack of emotions had burnt me out so much taht I moved into the living room. I just could not keep hearing him tell me not to touch him and to get on "my side" of the bed.
I used to be a topless dancer, I paid the bills and was able to go to college while taking care of him. One day, I was changing my clothes at home, I tried to do this where my ex could not see me because he usually acted like he was either embarassed or offended by me. But this time I did not bother to go hide. He looked up and said "I can't believe anyone would pay to see that". That really hurt!
I cannot believe that I had crowds of men that were more than willing to have me, and the only one I wanted did not.
I finally had enough, and I told him I was leaving. That was it, I've had it. I wanted a life, I wanted a family, and I realized I was never going to have that. I was living around what he wanted, even though I was not getting anything back. I just wanted some affection, which I did not get. We got a divorce after 10 years of marriage.
I did leave, and I found a wonderful man, that loves me ant shows it all the time. He is very sweet and I never have to beg for anything. Nobody should ever go through something like that. You are much better than that. You deserve love, and that is why you were married in the first place, right? for love.
I know you have a child to consider, but that child is just going to feel the emotions (or lack of) and it will affect him too.
I know you will be a great mom, and you can do it by yourself. My mom raised me by herself and she was great.
Strawberry hill & Very Green...thanks for your insight & advice! I have plans that as soon as I start a job this fall and get some money together--if nothing changes(if he still refuses to get the help he needs) THEN I will feel like I can file for divorce. Right now, it's very hard to do that with no job & no money. I have a child that has to eat, live and go to school--there is a whole lot more to consider when you have a kid. If it was just me, I would have been gone a long time ago. I've stayed in this marriage for a long time--probably alot longer than most! A lot of my friends have told me the same thing after hearing my story. He is very sick...no doubt! I have finnally started to tell him that his so-called 'threats' DON'T scare me anymore. ("I'm gonna leave you! ETC. ETC. ETC.) He is so clueless as far as $$$ when we do finnally spilt. For awhile, he thought that I would move out and just hand over the house to him!!! LOL He'd better come outta that dream!!! He told me last week,"Well, since I'm always pushing you away from me (that's what you say) why don't YOU move out???!!!" Oh my gosh! I think he's living in fantasty island!!! LOL He's just so out there!!!!!!!!!!!!