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Old 08-24-2006, 07:39 AM   #1
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Waiting out a divorce

So I've been seeing a married girl the last few months, having been told that she is separated from her husband. I've been having doubts about her sincerity because she is still living with him... so I told her I couldn't handle the situation any more and suggested that we go back to being just friends. Nevertheless, she has remained very affectionate towards me and asked me today whether I have serious feelings for her. I replied that I can't let myself get too attached to someone who doesn't seem available. She then informed me that she is filing for divorce this week and said that I should just ask her directly if I want to know what's going on.

I don't feel it's my place to quiz her about the progress of her separation/divorce and find it odd that she didn't feel the need to tell me about her plans before today. I really care about her, but I'm also turned off by the way she has handled things. Why should it take her 3 months to get to the point of filing for divorce, when she was supposedly separated when I started seeing her? Her husband is no angel, from what I've heard so I don't feel badly for him. Still, I can't help feeling that she was sneaking around with me while making up her mind. Is it foolish to get involved with someone in the midst of a divorce?

Last edited by nkfrisk; 08-24-2006 at 07:42 AM.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 08:30 AM   #2
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

nkfrisk, don't know if I can be of any help but I too am in a similar situation though my shoe is on the foot of being the one wanting out of my marriage. If you read my post you will understand my situation but the reason I have been holding out on divorce is the guilt of hurting her. We have been married for close to 5 years and leaving is a very tramatic thing to have to do. For some, they have to wait unti the time is right, whatever that may be. Have you asked her why it has been so long. I too have someone waiting for me and has voiced her insecurities of my delay. She was from a past relationship from 6 years ago that I never really fell out of love with. But that adds pressure to the situation as well.
I don't know her situation and what has brought her to the decision of divorce, but being in that position, she must be doing this for herself and not anybody else. Becareful of that initial love high your on right now, I know it all too well, hence the 3rd marriage. That part of the relationship does fade. My suggestion is this, give her the time and space to decide what she really wants to do, you may wait as long as you can or wish too and if your meant to be togehter it will happen, if you pressure her into getting out, it could cause resentment later down the road, especially if she's still unsure of her feelings. Like I said,, she has to want to do this for herself. Whether or not your in the picture.

 
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Old 08-24-2006, 08:52 AM   #3
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

Gee, hate to sound BLUNT here, but if she will cheat on her husband with you, dont you think she would cheat on you? Doesnt sound like a very truthful person if you ask me.
If someone is separated...they are NOT living together

 
Old 08-24-2006, 08:58 AM   #4
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

She may be separated from him emotionally but physically she is still living there so it is not a true separation. You did the right thing by breaking it off. You should tell her to come see you when she has left her husband. Actions speak louder than words so no matter what she tells you, don't believe it til you see the results. You said her husband is no angel, so she has a reason to leave so why doesn't she? Something is keeping her there.

I have to say that someone who will cheat with you will cheat on you (Dr. Phil's philosophy).

 
Old 08-24-2006, 10:31 AM   #5
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

"If they'll do it with ya....they'll do it to ya!!!!" Anyone that doesn't believe this is in denial IMO. Seriously, what about a cheater do you find remotely attractive? To me it's like saying, "Hi! I'm so and so...and I'm too much of a skeethy coward to face life alone for any length of time, so can you just cheat with me til I grow half a backbone?" eewwwww!!!! Three heads couldn't be a bigger turn off. It should insult you when a married person wants you to be with them. IMO--They are just looking at you saying, "hmmmm...you've got some poor self esteem and not much of a life. Wanna get some sloppy conditional seconds from me? Are you into loneliness and no commitment??Into being at most seond best?? Then you are for ME!! woo hoo!!"

 
Old 08-24-2006, 10:57 AM   #6
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

[/QUOTE]IMO--They are just looking at you saying, "hmmmm...you've got some poor self esteem and not much of a life. Wanna get some sloppy conditional seconds from me? Are you into loneliness and no commitment??Into being at most seond best?? Then you are for ME!! woo hoo!!"[/QUOTE]

LMAO. But it's all true. Don't bother with her, otherwise you'll just end up spending a lot of time wondering and worrying for nothing.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 12:08 PM   #7
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

Sounds like she is making sure she has another man on the hook before she leaves the one she's with. If I were you, I'd drop her like a bad habit.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 04:42 PM   #8
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

Plain and simple, just tell her to call you when she's filed, and someone ( her or the husband) has moved out. If she hasn't done those things, don't talk to her.

As far as the saying " once a cheater, always a cheater". I don't agree. I cheated on my ex ( granted, it went on for only a week, then I confessed) I have never cheated since then.

 
Old 08-25-2006, 12:03 AM   #9
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

People who are in the middle of a divorce are fine to get involved with. I'm waiting for my divorce to become final and I have a boy friend. Although, my ex and I haven't lived together for nearly 7 months.
Some people who are divorcing don't want to move out of their house because of the thought that if they leave, when the property is being divided they won't get a fair shake. Also, are there childen involved in this marriage, that could also make it difficult to separate the household. Does your girlfriend have a job and the ability to get a place to live, let alone the money it takes to file for a divorce? These could all be factors as to why she's still living there. Or if she's afraid of her husband. You say he's not a good guy, why? Is he abusive? well, that could be another reason why she's not getting the whole thing going.
You shouldn't have to quiz her on what she's doing, I agree with that. But it sounds like if the topic comes up she's willing to talk. Maybe she doesn't want to go on and on about her divorce to you because she doesn't know how much you want to talk about it. To be angry or mistrustful of her because you expect her to know what questions you have is wrong.
Sounds like all you need to do is ask if you have a question, instead of waiting for her to volunteer the information.
Not seeing her until she's filed is a perfectly fine thing to do, but talk to her, see what's going on and i you guys have a future. If you care about her as much as you say you do, you should want to help her if you can.
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Old 08-25-2006, 12:53 AM   #10
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

Wow! Some of you guys are pretty harsh. I don't really buy the "if she did it with you, she'll do it to you" rule. I don't know a lot about their marriage, but the cheating and other slimy things started with her husband. She got married quite young and says it was a mistake. When i started seeing her, she said she had been separated from him for months, but still living together (in separate rooms). The reasons are mostly financial and partly I think she is embarrassed to face her family and friends. She says that her husband started asking for another chance when he realized she was seeing someone else, but she has no feelings for him anymore. I sympathize with her, but I'm also puzzled by why she doesn't volunteer more information, and why it took her so long to file for divorce.

 
Old 08-25-2006, 07:13 AM   #11
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

Just try to remember when she tells you about her life, with her H, living arrangements, cheating, etc.... you need to be saying to yourself,

"SO SHE SAYS." You really can't fully trust a person that cheats. Period. By the very nature of what they're doing, they're liars and manipulators with out much integrity and morals. Just my opinion...but I think the attitude of, "Well--I'm special....she won't do that w/ ME!" is a very, very niave or denial type of attitude. If someone smokes, they are a smoker. If someone drinks they are a drinker. If someone cheats they are a cheater. If someone lies they are a liar. The high of being "in love" keeps us from this reality. But love is reciprocal, honey. It's not being treated as a mushroom----you know, being kept in the dark and being fed bull****!!

 
Old 08-25-2006, 07:40 PM   #12
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

Okay...Sounds like a lot of people are judging your girl without living in her shoes. Wow.
NKFRISK...You answered your own question in your last post. If she's worried about what her family and friends will think and she has financial reasons, then that's why she has taken so long to file for divorce. Hell! I stayed with my ex for 5 years after he cheated on me. Five years!! Because of worrying what my family and friends would think of the situation, what they would think of me since I was cheated on, like I did something wrong and what they would think of him. Isn't that rediculous?. Fear of that situation holds a lot of power sometimes.
I personally don't look at the relationship you and her had as cheating. Technically, yes on paper it is cheating because she's married. But she's told you she has no feelings for her (soon to be) ex. They are under the same roof, but not "together".
My suggestion stays the same, let her know that you are there for her any time she wants to vent or talk about what's going on in her life. You don't have to quiz her about things. Tell her you want to be kept informed so that you can understand what she's going through.
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Old 08-26-2006, 03:41 AM   #13
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Re: Waiting out a divorce

Thank you for your feedback Fireball. I'm kind of surprised by how judgmental some respondents have been, without know the whole story. It was her husband who cheated on her, leading to their separation. There is more to it than that. She filed for divorce this week and her husband is moving out this weekend. My only unease was with how she hadn't been filling me in on what was going on. I certainly don't think she's been deceiving me.

 
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