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Old 10-01-2006, 03:22 PM   #1
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Pianoman1959 HB User
Question Divorced, Confused, and Depressed

Let's see. I was married for 23 years. The marriage had plenty of serious problems that were unresolvable. I filed for divorce about three years ago. Since leaving and filing for divorce, it seems that my life is more screwed up than when I was married. I even find myself debating about reconciling with my ex wife, who still loves me and wants me to move back. I know that divorces are painful and people don't generally bounce back overnight but I am having increasing doubts about my decision to file for divorce in the first place. I was "stuck" in a dysfunctional marriage and felt that if I had any chance at happiness, I had to get out and move forward with my life. Instead, I am stagnating and becoming increasingly depressed. I did have my own apartment for about a year, made some attempts at meeting someone, but had little success. Actually, at age 47, I have found the dating scene to be dishonest gameplaying nonsense. A few weeks ago, I became so depressed that I couldn't even function and am now living in my parents back room. It seems that while I was married, my life had some purpose. Now, I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I had hoped to eventually meet someone that I am semi compatible with. Frankly, the entire ordeal has made me sick... and yes... I am the one who left the marriage in the first place. Now, I am too depressed to meet anyone and get past the first date. Any advice, comments???

Last edited by Pianoman1959; 10-01-2006 at 03:23 PM.

 
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Old 10-01-2006, 04:11 PM   #2
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Re: Divorced, Confused, and Depressed

Ask yourself if things were all that bad or did you just think that the grass would be greener on the other side of that hill? If your EX was causing much disfunction in your life then you really do need to try and move on...there are worse things then being alone...or so they say anyway... Marriage isn't a "chair of bowlies"...and has to be worked at. Would it be the end of the world to try and make a go of it again...many couples divorce and end up back together again after it's all said and done. But remember the reasons that you divorce and weigh the odds(was she really so bad?)...good luck!
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Old 10-02-2006, 09:37 AM   #3
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Arrow Re: Divorced, Confused, and Depressed

Hi Piano-

I think that maybe you're looking to move or get a change of scenery externally to fix internal stress or unsatisfactory feelings. Quality of life is decided from within and results follow with a lead time, like how exercize is followed by visible results months after consistant effort.

Don't passively hope that getting back together with your ex wife will make you happy. Instead, set up a schedule of action items to promote sustainable results in your mood and happiness, and have faith this will come with time/ effort.

Either way, you'll have to take steps in the right direction for happiness, with or without your ex wife.. there's no other way. Good Luck

Last edited by whiteslopes; 10-02-2006 at 09:37 AM.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 06:15 PM   #4
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Re: Divorced, Confused, and Depressed

Hey Piano.
When I read your post, I was like WOW.
I am at the stage of wanting to get the hell out of dodge. This has been YEARS in the making and I know I have to.
Yes, life does suck sometimes, but hey, right now you need to go to the doc and get on some anti depressants. Join a counseling group or an online group. Depression like you are describing is serious. I know. Been there done that. I got so bad I didnt even want to get out of bed to bathe. And that is disgusting!
I am 48 and I know I HAVE to make my change SOON. IF your life sucked with her, write down the pros and cons. Bet ya the cons win...Mine sure does.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 06:21 PM   #5
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Re: Divorced, Confused, and Depressed

Well I just read some of your previous posts....I guess you are already on meds. Sorry....
Hey, better go get em changed then cause something aint too right there. I took a long time to level out. I am on Celexa and doing perfectly well. As soon as I get rid of my PITA I will be just fine.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 07:38 PM   #6
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Re: Divorced, Confused, and Depressed

Dear Pianoman,

I too felt similarly approx. 18+/- years ago. I too left my dysfunctional, abusive marriage and I even have my baby in tow. I was also very depressed. Our divorce was like our marriage, bad. It took about 2 years for me to be able to go out and trust again and actually be able to enjoy another person's company. If your objection is to find another mate and hopes that woman would make you happy, you won't find her.

Single life is very lonely, so is marriage life. I know I'm going to sound cliche here, but happiness comes from within. Nobody can give you happiness. Only you can give yourself that feeling. A person can be lonely in a crowd.

I don't know the details of your circumstances, but speaking from experience, attaining happiness is an ongoing task. It's something I'd trained myself to think. As one old saying goes, to attain happiness, you must make someone else happy. I love volunteering and helping out people. And that's just one of the things that makes me happy.

I hope you can find a therapist to help you through this. That's one of the things I seeked to get myself out of the rut I was in.

I hope you find peace.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 11:23 AM   #7
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Thumbs up Re: Divorced, Confused, and Depressed

Thank you for your responses. I start starting taking Effexor, which seems to be helping me. It's difficult to make important decisions when in a state of severe depression. Generally, we all make the wrong decisions under those circumstances. Returning to my ex would be a mistake. As difficult as it can be at times, it's best to move forward. I battled for years about leaving the marriage and left for very valid reasons. Returning to a dysfunctional marriage would hardly be a good move. With divorces, we can only do our best to land back on our feet again. Eventually, I'll meet someone...but I have to get my ducks in a row. Thanks again for your replies.

 
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