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Old 03-16-2007, 03:40 PM   #1
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Dealing with divorce

I wasn't sure whether to post this in Anger management, relationship health or this one so here goes. Mods please move if you think this is the wrong forum. It's a long one but I don't know how to help.

Also before I start I have to emphasise my brother (41) has an excitable personality, can rant and had a heart attack at age 36 (probably due to his personality) but has never ever lifted his hand to strike anyone in his life.

In July 2006 my brother discovered his wife of 15 years was having an affair and was devastated particularly given the fact that 17 years ago he had to be there for her when it came out that her dad was being unfaithful to her mum.

There is no hope of reconciliation and my brother has remained in the marital home with his wife and kids (9 and 7) on the instructions of his solicitor whilst the separation has been getting sorted.

His in-laws have frequently told him they think he should leave and have no concern for his devastation. As an example of their indifference - last September brothers wife had serious car accident (her words not mine) with the kids and her mum inside, luckily no-one was injured but the car was badly damaged. My brother found out about it when he came home from work and her noticed her car wasn't in the driveway. Neither his wife, his mother-in-law nor his father-in-law bothered to call him and tell him the kids were involved but they were ok. My brother thought he had a good relationship with them and frequently did various tasks for them throughout his marriage.

Well it looks as though he will be moving out some day soon and over the past couple of weeks he has become more and more angry and depressed.

His issues are:

1. wife has consistently and coldly refused to discuss contact with the kids directly with him referring him instead to her solicitor and he is stuck with what is apparently the average access of every Tuesday 5-8 pm and every other weekend Friday afternoon to Sunday lunchtime until the contact issue gets to court and that won't be until he is out of the home.

2. He is devastated by his in-laws attitude to him since this all came out

3. House prices are so high here even with the amount he gets when wife buys him out he will have difficulty getting 3 bedroom property to suit the kids.

4. He is having huge huge difficulty dealing with his church's views/rules on what he can/can't do as a Christian man separated from wife. i.e. must only associate with fellow Christians, he is still married until divorce finalised and definitely no sex until divorce finalised. He is so angry with his wife and the church for this position.

His head is going round and round in circles and he is alternating between rage and despair ending in tears and I'm worried that he will get himself into such a state that he will have another heart attack and then he will lose any chance of increasing his contact with the children.

Can anyone please please advise me how to help him get through this without him losing it completely and jeopardising his contact with the kids. He keeps telling me he had lost everything, which he hasn't, but I can't get through to him and I'm trying to bolster his confidence but he is falling apart.

 
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Old 03-16-2007, 05:03 PM   #2
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Re: Dealing with divorce

Sounds like the divorce from hell. I've been thru a divorce but thankfully my ex wasnt the reincarnation of ***** during that time, but it was still a stressful time. You're right, all this extreme stress cant be good for his heart. It's really hard to control yourself in a time like that. There are just so many raw emotions to keep in check and it sounds like she's doing a good job of running him thru the meat grinder. Maybe he can get prescribed a sedative or something to help relax him when he's really worked up. Probably a good chance he's not sleeping well, too. Maybe something to help him sleep. And of course, there's always counseling. It always helps to talk it out. I hope it works out the best it can for him.

 
Old 03-17-2007, 03:41 AM   #3
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Re: Dealing with divorce

I have told him to make sure he gets something from the doctor to help him cope. Apparently he had been taking something and it ran out a few weeks ago and if that's true it's frightening to see what going without it has reduced him too. He's just falling apart and it's hard keeping him focussed on the most important points which are his kids and their contact with him after he moves out.

I'm lucky and have a happy marriage and although I think I understand how hurt he is I can't help him with the rage. Does this eventually get better with time?

 
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