Most of you know my story..its long, confusing, and painful for all people involved. I am interested to hear from anyone who has finished a relationship/marriage due to a severe episode. I am interested to find out, when and how it all got finalised. When did it all get settled (ie property etc)?
Did it get sorted whilst you were still manic, or do they only get sorted after this time? Reason I ask is not to bring up past negative memories for everyone, but to try to figure out when this will all get resolved. I dont want to escalate a situation if I can avoid it, however in my case we both need to move on in our lives.
I dont want to spend unnecessary time $$ and energy fighting my bp manic xspouse to resolve this. (He doesnt want to settle, he just wants to fight and destroy me) I do need my life back though. He is now been manic for over four months, nearly five.
Should I go into a holding pattern and wait for the crash (just defending the lies legally) so that it can be resolved quickly and more reasonable (but who "knows" when he will crash, "if" he will crash, and how long it will take to reason with him. OR should I go in hard, to try and get this resolved as quickly as possible (knowing full well he will try to drag it out, and throw many more lies, and manipulation my way)
In my case, it has been a pretty horrific time, as with some others on this board. I am certainly aware that my case is not the norm, so I dont want to make any generalisations. I dont want people to think that I am angry (perhaps at the illness) or cruel, I just need to have a life. I feel like he is holding my life hostage at the moment - and I need some space of my own.
Thanks for any feedback all. Hopeing that today is a day of promise and new opportunities, for everyone.
Re: Divorce when manic - how did it all get sorted?
Dear SuddenlyHere: You're not alone. I am going through the same exact thing and can relate wholeheartedly when you say you feel like you are being held hostage and in a holding pattern -- because you are, as I was am.
My unmedicated BP spouse served me with divorce papers in November last year. He was at the peak of a manic siege, which lasted 7 months (normally lasted about 4 months in the past). He has cycled down quite a bit but not completely. This episode has been all over the place.
Like you, I was positioned in the waiting pattern, counting the days until he crashed and I could then breathe and take things forward. It is senseless and useless to try and deal with someone in his nastiest manic. That's where the hostage feeling takes place. You just have to let it run its course, that's my suggestion - from personal experience.
Spouse started the divorce, then said it was a "big mistake" after he started cycling down, but I am taking the ball and going to complete it. To spare you the gory details, these past 7 months have been H***. I am going tomorrow with my disclosures, etc. and move it a step forward. Unfortunately, he has refused to leave the house, even though he about gave me and my son nervous breakdowns. It's all up for negotiation at a very soon date, I hope.
You can try to go in head first, but I caution you because you know how impossible it is to try to talk, let alone reason, when someone is in mania. don't go there if you don't have to. Wait it out, then move. In the meantime, get your ducks in a row, so you will be prepared. Good luck, I feel for you very much..
Bipolarbear (formerly Tahoe One)
Last edited by bipolarbear; 03-21-2007 at 07:38 PM.
Re: Divorce when manic - how did it all get sorted?
Hello Suddenly & BipolarBear,
Well - all three of us have spoke quite a bit over the last couple months since our situations are so much alike. I feel for both of you being still wrapped up in the nightmare. When my wife has gone manic in the past and the rocket boosters start firing the first thing she wants to do is run from the marriage. As we all know by now I was already 10 miles ahead of her this time and certainly probably help trigger the mania from my pressure to do something about the problem or I was gone. It's almost like she was upset this time because I was the one asking to end it.
My wife's mania feeds off certain ingredients and without them she is certain to crash. The main ingredients are a (1) fresh new relationship, (2) Cash or credit to spend like crazy, (3) New everything (Car, house, boyfriend, Job, cloths, furniture) (4) Enabling friends and family and (5) A sense of power that she can destroy someone else (Me).
Now this all started back in early September when I knew that if she continued to blow money and not work I was heading for a certain financial disaster. I told her that she either faced the reality of her BPD and started working or I would be leaving, as I would not be working into my 60's due to her irresponsibility for her actions and the BPD. Of course, unmedicated BP's can not tolerate very much pressure like this, which I was very aware of and naturally by mid-October the mania was setting in.
She got a new job where her BP sister is her boss !! That whole deal there is a disaster waiting to happen. She had the new boyfriend and did a 2nd mtg on our rental property which gave her the cash she needed. She reconnected with enabling friends and family and was ready for a battle with me she was certain to win at the words of her attorney.
Now - Here we are in mid-March and most if not all of her ingredients have dried up. The money is all gone, her boyfriend has lost his new car smell, many of the friends have went by the wayside, her sister is cycling to depression with her husband about to leave also. Her parents are about to file for bankruptcy and move 800 miles away. Basically all she had left to keep it going was the battle to beat me. She made one last ditch effort to crush me by filing a BS motion trying to strip me of visitation and I showed her that I wasn't playing games any longer. She and her lawyer looked ridiculous in court and we had it won within 20 minutes hands down. I actually stuck around to hear the ruling to see the look on her lawyers face.
The judge completely dismissed their motion and ended up giving me 50% custody, which was more than I walked in the door with. My wife was crying and right at that moment I think she was thrown right off the manic mountain. Less than 48 hrs later she became my best friend, as she knew I would most likely demolish her in court. She immediately wanted to settle and what she offered was far more reasonable than what I had offered just 2 weeks before.
I'm sorry I've rambled on for so long here but I think if you can go on full force offense showing them they are playing with the wrong person you might get it over sooner than you think but I mean full force offense without any cracks in the armor. I did it and my divorce is all but finalized when it looked just 2 weeks ago this could go into May-June.
Of course, now she wants to be my best friend as she knows having me for an enemy would not be good for her at all and she's cycling down since all the ingredients for her mania are gone. She will crash to full blown depression within 8 weeks with how well I know her. Suddenly, I would go on all out offense, be nasty and show him your not f---ing around any longer with his BS. He needs to see your hurricane coming at him for a change and I bet he'd think twice or at very least it would start to chip away his mania.
To much writing for what I was trying to say but it might help to see the chain of events that led to my wife letting me go. Both of you need to be released from the prison we called a marriage NOW!!!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
Re: Divorce when manic - how did it all get sorted?
How and when depends partly on the law in your country. In the UK for instance, if the split is ammicable you must wait 2 years from the date of separation. However if one party has grounds for divorce you only have to wait for a period of 6 months.
In my case my wife had grounds. I left in March 2004 and a few days later commited adultry and when on a spending spree with a young girl who I lived with for a 6 week period. I ended that relationship and then asked my wife if I could move back in July. However my wife discovered I was back in contact with the girl who was back in Austrialia and kicked me out in the September. It was difficult to get our relationship back on track as I was rapid cycling for a period that was to last over 18 months.
I lost my job at xmas and went into hospital to be treated with clinical depression for over a month. Then in March I was served with divorce papers. The additional stress of the divorce accelerated the rapid cycling and I became very confused at that time. I wanted to save my marriage but could find no way of breaking down the pattern of argueing we had fallen into. I asked my wife why she had chosen now to serve me with the papers. She told me that she wanted to protect her self financially from any excessive spending due to mania. During the divorce I later found out that she had met someone else who she is shortly due to marry, so that decite didn't help the process.
Our combined assets were valued at 3.3 million pounds. However 2 million of that were in the form of shares in her family business which were hers b 4 I met her and provided her with an income. Against legal advice I ruled that these should be excluded from any settlement.
Through a legal freind she found herself the best rated solicitor in the area. I was fed up with fighting and asked her to suggest a solicitor who hers got on well with and appointed her. We then asked them to make an offer which was ca. 15% of the remaining 1.3 million and just enough to buy a 1 bedroom flat. Her position was held for months until we went to hearing before a judge. During this period I was not alowed to see my children without her present because of my health and at every visit she would try and send me on a guilt trip that I did not deserve anything because of the way I behaved.
On two occasions I gave in and went to my solicitor to instruct her to accept the offer as I had just had enough. On the first occasion she threatened to resign and on the second wrote a long letter pointing out that I would do so ignoring her advice and covering her company against any come back. In the end i decided to take her offer and we went to court costing us both even more money.
After just 20mins b 4 the judge he gave an indication where he thought the settlement should be. Both parties went away, my wife increased her offer substaintially I immediately accepted against the advice of council. And my ex and I went off and had lunch. Months of stress, extra fees etc. and I would have settled for less earlier had it not gone to court.
My advice to you has always been protect the financials first. But if you can wait for the mania to subside before proceeding as it is likely to get real nasty if you don't.