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Old 04-05-2007, 10:42 AM   #1
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Exclamation Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

My wife and I have only been married just shy of 5 years. There have been some money problems that I could have fixed by selling a rental property I owned but I was stubborn and didn't. Other things to, she didn't feel "wanted". Anyway, I let her go out for "girls night" (this was before she even filed for divorce) and met this guy who she had an affair with for about a week then told me she was "done".

She's since moved out with her 8 year old to a girlfriends house and seeing this guy every moment she can get. I got very jealous and angry at her for about a week or two then calmed down and wrote her a letter appologyzing for my behavior and that I was really terribly hurt by her seing this guy and if she would please consider "us" again. She's been away with him for the past 3 days, calling home to check in on our sick 3 year old and we've talked also during her checking in. I'm trying to get more family time with her and our two kids together doing something fun like we used to so that I can re-establish a friendly relationship with her that will, I hope, grow into more and she will consider reconsiling. She has already made plans for her and her new boyfriend to meet my 3 years old on Saturday at dinner only after she's known him for two month. I'm not happy about that. I'm still very jealous. She did say that we could all go out on Monday night together, but I don't want her introducing my 3 year old to him. She says to me it's "not just a fling" and that she might "even marry" him....that kills me. I am completely in love with my wife and and desparate to keep her away from this guy and win back her heart. HELP!!!! ME!!! PLEASE KIND PEOPLE. I've given her some space and even wrote in my letter that I can't keep her from seeing this guy but if he makes her happy than I'll just have to learn to accept that and move on. He's going away for 4 month on a business trip at the end of May and won't have any contact with her....That seems to be the only time I have to really try and reconnect with her, only she's going to be housesitting for him at his house in the mountains.

Anyway I'm rambeling, sorry....I desparately need some input from you smart and kind people. I want my family back so bad, I want my wife and lover back more than anything.

Thanks

 
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Old 04-05-2007, 10:56 AM   #2
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

I seriously can't imagine what you're going through. I feel so sorry for you. I'm not great at advice, but it sounds like to me that you're doing all that you can do. Writing her letters, talking to her, what more is there? I praise you on your strength during this because I know that I couldn't be as strong as you seem to be. Just keep standing on your feet and never give up. Explain to her that she is breaking up a family where children are still young and that rushing to be with this guy isn't wise. If she needs space, give it to her. Maybe space will be what saves the relationship because it'll give her time to think. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you get your family back.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:04 AM   #3
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Thanks for your reply. I've been trying to give her permission to be with this guy but she just keeps making more and more plans with him that involve doing things with our kids, in essence, creating a new happy family...and that just kills me. I can't push too much because then it will just cause an argument and I don't want to go there at all anymore. I"m just going to have to settle for dinner on monday and let it go. I want to plan and spend quality fun time with my family, maybe I should just ask her what her schedule is for the next few weeks and plan something out before she plans some thing with this other guy.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:05 AM   #4
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

keep the communications open. don't let yourself get into a blame throwing frenzy. the more you push her to come back the further away she will run. i know this cause i tried the same thing with my stbxh. i wrote letters, emails, called and begged. but the more i tried to pull him closer the further he got. the best thing you can do is be patient till the new bf lv's for the trip. then you will have the chance to work on your relationship. even then, don't push her. and if she is willing to go out with you and the kids then take every chance you can get.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:12 AM   #5
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Well my first comment is based on the fact that she left and only took one of her children. I would never do that.
Second, I hate to say this because your hurting, but you can't make someone love you and you can't control the actions and emotions of another person. If she has made up her mind to be done with you and get a divorce, she's made her choice.
It's sounds like things were on the edge for her long before the girls night out.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:15 AM   #6
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Yeah, you're right, she did say that she'll have more time to think about it when he leaves, however, in the meantime she getting so deep with this guy, introducing him to our kids, spending every amount of free time with him and sleeping over at his house even after work. She's completely thrown herself into his world and is aparatly, in love, with this guy...at least that's what she's implied by saying that this isn't "just a fling" and that "we might even get married". AAHHHHHHH. That just breaks my heart and gives me little hope that she'll even seriously consider us reconsiling. I'll do what I can to wait until the end of May but in the meantime it's going to be a cat an mouse game everyweek to fend for her time. I just want to establish some good, happy times together, going to the zoo, picnics at the park, going to the museum or something fun...not just going to dinner. Any other suggestions are deeply appreiciated especially from a womans view.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:20 AM   #7
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Hi Jim,

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly

I agree with tarheel247's advice. You just want to keep the communications going, even if it is just "hi, how are you?". As hard as it don't push her because you will only push her further away. She is clearly hurt and upset and handling it very badly and is using this guy to fill some void. I'm willing to bet that in time it will fade and she will realize that the grass isn't greener.

Wait until this guy goes on the four month business trip with no contact (Is this guy for real? Sounds like a line of crap unless he's in the military or something.) and then you can work on things uninterupted. You both need time to clear your heads, obviously a lot has happened. Try to spend some time with your kids and making sure they are doing okay. I'm sure this is tough for everyone, but the more calm you are with everything the better off your kids will be.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:50 AM   #8
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

I'm sorry you are going through this, Jim. I am as well. My wife is filing for divorce for NO other reason than that she just doesn't want to be married anymore. The facts of the matter is, no matter how hard you try, . . . and I agree that anyone should try (as I did, sending letters, cards, expressing my love and care for her), . . . however there comes a time when you have to let them go. If they fall flat on their face and end up hurting themselves, there is nothing you can do about it when they don't want you in their life anymore. It is an extremely tough thing for you to go through, I know this first hand!

Here's what is the most true statement during these times. . . . . People deserve to be with someone who is TRUE to them, respecting the vows they committed to on their wedding day. A true test of character is seen when times get tough, and when a person chooses to leave a committment for less than legitimate reasons, that shows the lack in their character. True love will remain faithful! Counterfeits will pull out.

*disclaimer - a person who is abusive gives up the rights to complain when their spouse leaves.*
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Old 04-05-2007, 03:29 PM   #9
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Thank to all of you. I am truely hoping that this thing with this guy won't last, that the initial passion will fade and that I can win her back when he's gone for those 4 months. I'm going to plan some family camping trips, day and weekend outtings, bike rides, trips to the river...all stuff that we love to do that I let my wife handle the planning on...which I think she really kind of resented. So I'll be the man now and make those plans and hopefully the romance will blossom from there. She found this guy becuase she was looking to fill a need that she wasn't getting in our marriage at the time, her not feeling wanted. I can only hope that some good family time and a renewed look on life from me will paint a better picture for her. I'm still open for suggestions from all you smart people. You've all been wonderful to me today. I feel like I may have a whole new lease on life now. I love my wife and kids more than anything on earth!

 
Old 04-05-2007, 10:44 PM   #10
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

I had another questions for you all:

it sounds like she's considering moving from her girlfriends house where she's staying now and planning on moving into this guy's house to house-sit for him while he's away. That's going to be kind of difficult to deal with because while he's away, she'll still be sleeping in his bed, seeing pictures of him (and possibly them together) in his house and feel some connection to him eventhough they won't be speaking for 4 months. How the heck to I contend with THAT! It's like just because she's staying at his house she'll feel like Big Brother is watching her and she'll be reminded of him in a more intimate way. Any thoughts / comments / suggestions..... Thanks you guys, really!

 
Old 04-06-2007, 05:18 AM   #11
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

I know you love her with all your heart but you do need to remember something. You took vows to stick together in good times and bad. Some bad hit and she ran to the comfort of someone else rather than try to work on your marriage. She may see the error of her ways and come back, or this could be a major character flaw.

As hard as it is maybe you should just try to work on yourself and your happiness rather than find ways to win her back. I mean, if you can save your marriage that is great, but unfortunately it will never be on your terms. She is showing herself to be very selfish and unforgiving and is enjoying the attention she is getting from you. Maybe after some time alone you may see that you deserve a woman who sticks by you no matter what. I know that is hard to see right now, but maybe in time it could happen. Just don't sit by and wait for her to come back because that day may never come.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 06:01 AM   #12
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

she is an adult and can move in with whoever she wants. so you need to approach this subject lightly. i would suggest asking her not to move in to his house with the kid(s) until she knows for sure they are going to be together for a long time. tell her that the separation between you two and the possibility of divorce is hard enough on the kids as it is. but it would just confuse them more if mommy was moving in with someone so soon. anyone would tell her to wait till she is for sure about the relationship when kids are concerned. so you have a valid arguement. but don't make it into an arguement. try to "discuss" it with her in an adult manner.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 06:04 AM   #13
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Don't let her give you false hope. All her actions point to the fact she is moving forward with this new man. People have a tendancy to tell other people what they want to hear instead of how they really feel. She knows your hurting right now and may be telling you things to (A) make it not hurt so much or (B) telling you something to keep you off her back.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but it could be the cold-hard truth. I agree with the poster that told you to work on yourself.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 07:06 AM   #14
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Thank you happymom, tarheel and susieq for your input. Yes I think she's telling me what I want to here because she knows i'm hurting. I've stopped yelling at her and have calmed down since before I wrote her this long letter admitting my part in her leaving and I think she will do anything to see that I have something to look forward to...her "considering us" and "thinking about it".

She's planning on intoducing our 3 year old to him tomorrow and that just kills me. It tells me that she's more confident about a future with this guy and that he's a permanent part of her life now. On the other hand, she's telling me that she will "think about it" and consider us too but all the while she's off spending her time off on this little mini-vacation with him for the past few days up at his mountain home doing whatever. We've talked on the phone in the past few days about our 3 year old because he's been sick and the conversatioins have been very friendly because I'm trying to put a happy spin on things. When I was at the store the other day she said to me on the phone after asking about our son and my telling her he's been doing much better, she says' "I love you, you're the best husband and father in the world", I told her I loved her too and thank you. She then said something about I can count on you with him and that's why you're mainly his primary care taker because I can count on you. The conversation ended very nicely but it did leave me with a false sence of security because it just seems like she's giving me mixed messages...again. I just want to back her into the perverbial corner and say, make up your mind, him or me!?...I'm tired of all the game playing and your saying one thing but continuing to do another with your actions. I'm afraid that when he leaves for his 4 month trip that they're going to make some kind of vow to each other to remain true to one another because he and she knows that I'm vying for her attention and to get her back. There's so much running around in my head. I asked her if we could spend more time together, both family time and her and I together. She said sure and "I know you don't want to here this but "he" is leaving in a few weeks and maybe we could all go campining or somthing like that?" I thought at that point, great, that's were we could really connect as both a family and possible a couple and become lovers again. Again, I'm just afraid that she's going to be anticipating my advances on her and she's going to say, I'm with him now or something like that. I just won't know until I try...I know how I'm sounding right now, obsessed by all this and I am. I just want my wife back, my family back and a chance to fix everything I screwed up. I'm trying to think positively about the outcome but she keeps acting in ways like getting more insconsed with him even to this very moment and, again, her plans on introducing our son to him tomorrow. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH. I just want to scream.

At the same time, I am continuing to better myself by eating more (I've lost 16 pounds and I'm not a big guy so it really shows) and excersing and looking really hard for a new job. I'm enrolling in summer school to get more education on a new career path I've chosen. I'm trying to get out and meet new friends by going to interest group meetings... so I am trying to better myself.

Would you all suggest that I ask her if when he leaves for this 4 months if they'll be taking a break from each other or if they've agreed on some kind of commitment to each other? She knows that I want her back and probably anticipates my really pouring it on think when he's gone...which I plan to but don't know if I should give her opportunity to give me some false sense of security by telling me "yes" we'll be on a break to give me some hope and keep things calm between us or "no" we're a coulple now and we're not seeing other people closing the door on any advances that I may be planning that she's more than likely anticipating? I really just want to play my cards right here, she really means everything in the world to me. She's the mother of our son and the woman I still want to grow old with....I just pray that she sees that this guy isn't all she thought he was...I've been told that over time, she will probably see thisbut I just want it to be sooner than later.

Okay, sorry I've rambled for quite some time now...Thank you again for your input, your perspective helps and I'm trying to brace myself for the worst but in the mean time I'm still going to try and fight for my wife back, it's not something I can just give up on without a fight and your collective input helps me to both protect myself and understand what's happening from a different perspective since I'm too close to the situation. Thanks again for letting me go on like this.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 08:00 AM   #15
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Re: Trying to win my wife back after she filed for divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim1961 View Post
Thank you happymom, tarheel and susieq for your input. Yes I think she's telling me what I want to here because she knows i'm hurting. I've stopped yelling at her and have calmed down since before I wrote her this long letter admitting my part in her leaving and I think she will do anything to see that I have something to look forward to...her "considering us" and "thinking about it".

She's planning on intoducing our 3 year old to him tomorrow and that just kills me. It tells me that she's more confident about a future with this guy and that he's a permanent part of her life now. On the other hand, she's telling me that she will "think about it" and consider us too but all the while she's off spending her time off on this little mini-vacation with him for the past few days up at his mountain home doing whatever. We've talked on the phone in the past few days about our 3 year old because he's been sick and the conversatioins have been very friendly because I'm trying to put a happy spin on things. When I was at the store the other day she said to me on the phone after asking about our son and my telling her he's been doing much better, she says' "I love you, you're the best husband and father in the world", I told her I loved her too and thank you. She then said something about I can count on you with him and that's why you're mainly his primary care taker because I can count on you. The conversation ended very nicely but it did leave me with a false sence of security because it just seems like she's giving me mixed messages...again. I just want to back her into the perverbial corner and say, make up your mind, him or me!?...I'm tired of all the game playing and your saying one thing but continuing to do another with your actions. I'm afraid that when he leaves for his 4 month trip that they're going to make some kind of vow to each other to remain true to one another because he and she knows that I'm vying for her attention and to get her back. There's so much running around in my head. I asked her if we could spend more time together, both family time and her and I together. She said sure and "I know you don't want to here this but "he" is leaving in a few weeks and maybe we could all go campining or somthing like that?" I thought at that point, great, that's were we could really connect as both a family and possible a couple and become lovers again. Again, I'm just afraid that she's going to be anticipating my advances on her and she's going to say, I'm with him now or something like that. I just won't know until I try...I know how I'm sounding right now, obsessed by all this and I am. I just want my wife back, my family back and a chance to fix everything I screwed up. I'm trying to think positively about the outcome but she keeps acting in ways like getting more insconsed with him even to this very moment and, again, her plans on introducing our son to him tomorrow. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH. I just want to scream.

At the same time, I am continuing to better myself by eating more (I've lost 16 pounds and I'm not a big guy so it really shows) and excersing and looking really hard for a new job. I'm enrolling in summer school to get more education on a new career path I've chosen. I'm trying to get out and meet new friends by going to interest group meetings... so I am trying to better myself.

Would you all suggest that I ask her if when he leaves for this 4 months if they'll be taking a break from each other or if they've agreed on some kind of commitment to each other? She knows that I want her back and probably anticipates my really pouring it on think when he's gone...which I plan to but don't know if I should give her opportunity to give me some false sense of security by telling me "yes" we'll be on a break to give me some hope and keep things calm between us or "no" we're a coulple now and we're not seeing other people closing the door on any advances that I may be planning that she's more than likely anticipating? I really just want to play my cards right here, she really means everything in the world to me. She's the mother of our son and the woman I still want to grow old with....I just pray that she sees that this guy isn't all she thought he was...I've been told that over time, she will probably see thisbut I just want it to be sooner than later.

Okay, sorry I've rambled for quite some time now...Thank you again for your input, your perspective helps and I'm trying to brace myself for the worst but in the mean time I'm still going to try and fight for my wife back, it's not something I can just give up on without a fight and your collective input helps me to both protect myself and understand what's happening from a different perspective since I'm too close to the situation. Thanks again for letting me go on like this.

You have to be careful about when he's gone. I find it impossible for them not to communicate at some level while he's away. My husband goes away for 6 months at a time but we still communicate. The other thing that she may do is simply occupy her time with you just to pass the time while he's away, and as soon as he returns, you're out of the picture. I have seen this happen time & time again. She will be bored and you will be there to fill the gap until he comes back. This will really give you a sense of false hope and make everything worse.

 
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